Trapped! A Harrowing Tale of Survival
Summer after summer, Hollywood trots out disaster survival movies filled with natural horrors like asteroids, volcanoes, twisters and Helen Hunt. But I ask you: where’s the reality? Where’s the gritty, in-your face truth? I want a disaster survival movie that smacks of honesty, of the here and now.
I want a disaster survival movie about being trapped in an elevator.
Imagine the pulse-stopping terror: a mother and daughter cleaning team, stuck for the weekend in an elevator. No cell phones, and no food except for two cough drops and six aspirin tablets. Can cannibalism be far behind?
And this is no ordinary stopped elevator. This elevator is on the bottom floor. Of a two-story building! There’s literally thousands of pounds of mortar and cement piled above them, just waiting to collapse!
The story’s got everything:
Plus, the production costs are basically nil, leaving you free to devote all of your budget to landing the big-name star that’s going to make being trapped in an elevator over the weekend the Oscar-bait it’s meant to be. May I suggest Selma Hayek?
And remember, just because it’s based on a true story doesn’t mean you can’t take some artistic liberties. Maybe the elevator is haunted. Maybe the mother and daughter are also long-lost siblings. Hell, maybe the building has three stories! That, or the whole thing’s in danger of being obliterated by a nearby volcano.
Get on this, Hollywood. It’s another guaranteed box office winner. I mean, imagine how cathartic it will be for audiences when they relive the women’s rescue at the hands of a courageous employee of the building who cleverly “overheard them yelling and called a rescue crew.” You can’t write stuff like that!
Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes hilarious videos as writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
January 7th, 2008 at 8:28 am
It could be set in an elevator in an luxurious apartment building where Judi is the rich lady who lives there and Selma the poor cleaning maid (she will be nominated for an Oscar). The movie could spend some time establishing that they hate each other, so they will have a chance to become friends in the elevator, finding out along the way that eating and shitting are common needs for all people… Shit, I’m pitching this to a producer! Do you guys know anyone?
January 7th, 2008 at 8:46 am
I don’t want to spoil your fun (no, actually I do), but such a film already exists. It’s called “Abwärts” (Down). http://german.imdb.com/title/tt0086846/ But, hey, I’m all for a remake starring Selma Hayek, Natalie Portman and Megan Fox.
January 7th, 2008 at 8:51 am
Swaim, this might be your funniest post. I just LOL’d while reading it on my blackberry on public transportation. Also, no joke, I’m on a train experiencing delays so I’m trapped too. Also I’m having sex with Salma Hayek and Judi Dench.
January 7th, 2008 at 10:26 am
Ha! Another fine post. Check this: what if the courageous employee calls his supervisor instead, scored to ominous, foreshadowing music? Then the audience’ll be all: “Oh no, dickhead, just call 911, what if your supervisor’s a villian?”
But then the supervisor just says, “Thanks, Larry, I’ll give the fire department and maintenance a call right away. Keep talking to those poor women, and reassure them help’s on the way.”
I think that’s a writing technique called “False Suspense” or “False Conflict” or something like that. It’s an asshole move by a screenwriter, and it insults the audience. But it’s great for a couple minutes of screenfiller, and the audience will love it because they’re masochists, and love shelling out money for stuff like that.
January 7th, 2008 at 11:07 am
‘Hell has two stories’, and a volcano…you are a goddamn genius.
Funniest post ever. See that? I have succumbed to Cracked’s overuse of the superlative. What I mean to say is, that was a damn funny post.
January 7th, 2008 at 11:35 am
With last names that end in “owski” and “wicz”, they probably weren’t Latina. But Swaim’s racism has blinded him.
Also, don’t forget to leave out hot sex scene between Judi Dench and Selma Hayek.
January 7th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Well done, Swaim
January 7th, 2008 at 2:26 pm
I’d just like to thank you for that picture of Salma Hayek.
The picture of Judi Dench……hmm…..not so much.
January 7th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Bennett, you should’ve seen Judi Dench when she was a sprightly 55! Rowr!
January 7th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Selma Hayek is quite possibly the finest woman on the planet.
January 8th, 2008 at 6:54 am
Salma Hayek has breasts blessed by God, according to this website, so a lesbian encounter between her and Judi Dench would cause Judi to turn back into a 22 year old.
January 8th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
I’ve already seen a haunted elevator movie. It was called “the Lift”, a European movie. It was ridiculously horrible, and played out like a rogue cop movie.
January 9th, 2008 at 1:27 am
Salma Hayek is not that great. Just thought that had to be said.
January 9th, 2008 at 5:25 pm
@Kinkmonkey: The Lift is a Dutch film, and actually quite a classic in this country, being the first Dutch film published for international release. [/useless trivia]
Great post, btw.
January 10th, 2008 at 1:31 am
Please spell my name correctly - it’s Salma, not Selma.
January 10th, 2008 at 5:10 pm
I was talking about “Selma Hayek” my cleaning lady. Who is this Salma you speak of?