Killer Dogs, North Korea and MC Hammer: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
Awesome Video Of The Day
Terrifying Police Dogs
I’m not totally sure where this video is from, so I’m going to be sure not to commit any crimes ANYWHERE for the rest of my life. It seems like it was probably shot somewhere in Eastern Europe in France, but I’m not risking it - the mere idea that these dogs exist somewhere on this Earth is enough to keep me on the straight and narrow.
Did you hear that guy screaming?! Did you see the dog running straight at the guy shooting at it? I can’t think of a single crime that would be worth attempting to pull off if I knew that I might have to deal with one of those things. The only way these dogs could be any more terrifying would be if scientists were able to modify their genes to make them poisonous, and I’m pretty sure that’s just around the corner, too. My prediction: global crime rates will fall dramatically over the next few years. Y’know… because of all the poisonous dogs.
(Yet Another) Wildcard Week!!!
The Internet Is Getting Weird, Crowded
A few days ago, North Korea announced that they’re starting a website to promote foreign investment in their country. I guess it’s KINDA funny for a country with with no internet access to put up a website, but ordinarily I wouldn’t mention a story like this - oppressive regimes seeking foreign capital can be great comedic fodder, but I’m not nearly smart enough to make a joke about it.
But THEN I read that MC Hammer is launching a website too, and I was like, “Oh schnap! This is gonna be like shooting fish in a barrel!” It’s called DanceJam.com, and he hopes to turn it into the YouTube of dance videos. The only problem? There already is a YouTube of dance videos.
It’s called YOUTUBE.
I don’t know much about internet technology and servers and wires and whatnot, but it seems to me that if things keep going at this rate (TWO new websites in ONE week?!) then the internet is going to run out of space pretty soon. That’s why I think that North Korea and MC Hammer should go halfsies on a domain together. Why can’t there be ONE website that attracts foreign investment to North Korea AND shows videos of kids doing all the coolest new dance moves? It’d be cheaper, it would attract twice as many people as either of those two websites would on their own1, and it would promote international cooperation better than the UN could ever hope to. The kids could do their little dance moves to music with lyrics about North Korea’s manufacturing capabilities or something. I think it could be a hit.
And while we’re at it, I think Google and Netflix should join up so when I search Google for Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome it starts playing immediately in my browser. And Craigslist’s casual encounters section should merge with Peapod so I can shop for groceries and seek anonymous sex partners at the same time. Oh - and the anonymous sex partner should get delivered to my house with the groceries. See? I’ve got all kinds of great ideas for websites. Maybe I should be a “consultant.”
1 Because the number of people interested in dance videos is exactly identical to the number of people interested in investing in North Korea. Fact.
January 3rd, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Just FYI, shooting a police dog is the same a shooting a police officer (because the dog is considered a police officer). You could potentially end up being executed for killing or attempting to kill a police dog.
January 3rd, 2008 at 12:21 pm
With these particular dogs, Nick, I think that would be a non-issue. If you tried to shoot one of these they would chew your face off WAY before anyone had a chance to execute you.
January 3rd, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Those are shots of French police training dog exercises. As you can see, they`re pretty effective. Just for the record, French police make the (world famous) LAPD look like civil rights leaders by comparison. You don`t screw around with these guys.
January 3rd, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I’m just saying on the occassion you think about shooting a police dog, you’ll not only need plastic surgery, but afterwards you could be executed.
January 3rd, 2008 at 1:12 pm
I wonder when they’ll start implementing the RoboDog Program in the States. If so, climbing a fence will no longer mean that a criminal has gotten away as these cybernetically enhanced canines can easily clear a 15 foot high jump are trained to aim directly for the family jewels in the process.
I prefer to keep my anonymous sex and dairy separate, but i do appreciate the suggestion.
January 3rd, 2008 at 2:23 pm
It might be better in the long run just to shoot yourself before one of these poisonous RoboDogs latches onto your T-bone steak of a throat.
January 3rd, 2008 at 2:48 pm
I’m pretty sure they can’t execute you for killing a police dog.
It’s not a human, therefore it is not homicide. However, I can buy that you could get much higher penalties than that than shooting Lassie.
January 3rd, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Toxic, I say you test out that theory. Send me the results.
January 3rd, 2008 at 4:48 pm
I shot the police dog,
But I didn’t shoot the lolcat.
January 3rd, 2008 at 8:25 pm
My neighbor was a k-9 unit officer and according to him you can’t get the death penalty for killing a police dog, but you can get life in prison because a police dog is considered a “peace officer”
January 3rd, 2008 at 10:22 pm
I take back everything I ever said about the French.
January 3rd, 2008 at 10:47 pm
just so you know the last sentence is a transition to the next part of the documentary which says :
From the passion of dogs to the passion of explosives !
Hell yeah, unleash the dogs with explosive charges !
January 4th, 2008 at 9:05 am
Russians would do that in WW2. They would strap high-explosive charges onto dogs and train them to hunt under tanks for food, then detonate the charge.
January 4th, 2008 at 9:38 am
Honestly though Scott, what would be worse? A painless death or a lifetime of watching your back so you don’t get shanked or ass-raped? I’ll take the painless death. So, if I ever go on a shooting spree I’ll be sure to aim for the humans instead of the dogs.
January 4th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
What really creeps me out is the matter-of-fact way you guys talk about this. It’s as though you are all actually considering this a threat to you. Is everyone on Cracked really a criminal?
January 5th, 2008 at 9:28 am
kingmonkey, I live in constant fear of police dogs. The government KNOWS me, man, and they’re AFTER me, man! See, I saw, like, this fuckin’ “Loose Change” video on Google, and these college dudes are all “Holy Shit, the government’s behind 9/11″ and I’m like, “SHIT, GUYS!”
I’m a very extraordinary person, and a threat now that I’m armed with the TRUTH, motherfuckers. Try tellin’ that to my fuckin’ mom, though, am I right?
January 6th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Hey, Justin did your tinfoil hat fall off? If you need another, I have plenty to spare.
But seriously, if anyone thinks that the government is capable of a massive conspiracy like being behind 9/11, hiding evidence of UFO’s and the Kennedy assassination, does not know a lot about the government and how it works. Which is to say not well, at all. I know
I spent 21 years working for them.
January 6th, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Glendoor, I think your sarcasm detector fell off.
January 6th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
No it didn’t, it is the third button to the left on my tinfoil hat.
January 6th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
I don’t really have a tinfoil hat, but if I did, my big thing would be CHEMTRAILS. Or RIGGED VOTING MACHINES IN FLORIDA AND OHIO.
January 7th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Yeah, the dogs are incredibly tough and all, but—-isn’t it just a bit easier to just shoot the guy?
Much easier to train your weapon on a guy than to train your dog to do it FOR you—but then, they’re French, and what’s sensible and straightforward and frankly obvious somehow remains elusive.
February 21st, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Yeah, but where’s the drama? If you shoot a guy, you can’t see the bullet, it’s just like “BAM” and the dude’s down, but if you sick a dog on him… the theatrical possibilities are endless.
The news reports could play crazy war drums in the background as the dog chases the dude, but if it’s a bullet, you’d barely be able to play one note before it hits the dude. And if it misses, then what? But rest assured, a big badass dog won’t miss.