Apple’s Got Your Back, Fatass
Are you an obese person with a busy schedule? A “fatty on the go” as it were? Are you constantly finding yourself late to important fat guy functions—taking the middle seat in airplanes, sweating, wheezing—because of the inordinate amount of time it takes to order a burger?
Well, Apple is planning to change all that, with their newest groundbreaking technological innovation. Believe it or not, the rumored software would allow users to order food WITHOUT EVEN BEING IN A RESTAURANT. Sounds impossible, I know, but there it is.
By sending complex “digital wireless signals” or “codes” through the very aether itself, Apple’s whizz-bang (and patented) system will, as if by magic, allow you to purchase and spur the production of a lunch order while driving to the restaurant, so that you can stuff your gullet with the carcinogen of your choice as quickly as humanly possible.
Unfortunately, Apple has yet to patent a system that would allow the food to come to you, eliminating the need for in-store pick-up, but I’m sure the innovation wizards are hard at work on a solution right now.
Inspired by these pioneers, these visionaries, I have invented some systems of my own, which I hope to patent as soon as Apple invents something that lets me patent things from home. Behold, innovations the likes of which the world has never seen:
Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes hilarious videos as writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
January 2nd, 2008 at 8:38 am
But Michael! The article says you wouldn’t have to STAND IN LINE!
Apparently Apple is guaranteeing that every restaurant they partner with will become more skilled from the top down, and the presence of a new gadget will install competent managers, efficient workers, and restaurant employees who don’t call out sick once every three or four weeks. I went to the link you provided, expecting you were exaggerating the stupidity of this. You were actually being charitable.
January 2nd, 2008 at 8:39 am
Awesome. I totally can’t see this being used to prank restaurants. Good job Asspple!
January 2nd, 2008 at 8:57 am
American restaurants already serve food at the speed of light. Dining out is supposed to be a pleasure, people; you’re supposed to savour the food, the ambience, the company … You’re supposed to have a wait for your first course while you nibble delicately on olives and build up an appetite. You’re supposed to pause for a cigarette and another glass of wine and charming conversation while you savour the flavour of your starter. And after you’ve had your main course, you are supposed to sit around and relax late into the night over coffee and fine liqueur. We’re not even at the cheese course yet! Make time for the pursuit of pleasure, America! What’s wrong with you?
January 2nd, 2008 at 9:22 am
Bluestocking, why don’t you “savour the flavour” of my balls? Americans don’t have the time, money, or inclination to dine the way you describe. We have kids to feed and take care of, not dogs to leave at home with a bowl of chow.
January 2nd, 2008 at 9:41 am
Maybe that’s why you seem so randomly, pointlessly aggressive. If you’ve got time to comment on an internet humour website, one would assume you’ve got time for a nice meal. Anyway, back to work for me - Corgi food doesn’t pay for itself, you know.
January 2nd, 2008 at 10:11 am
One would assume incorrectly that I have time for such things, when I spend perhaps 15 to 20 minutes a day on Cracked, and you described a four-hour social affair. Wine? Cheese? Nibbling delicately on olives? Coffee and Liqueurs? What demographic do you think reads this site? We don’t get a lot of elderly British ladies commenting at this site, so I’m sorry if I was rude, ma’am.
January 2nd, 2008 at 10:20 am
Fuck. You know what? I can’t believe I hijacked this thread with this antagonistic bullshit. Funny blog entry, too. Shit, the BBC’s The Office is the best TV comedy in history, so it’s not like I, you know, hate limeys.
I’m just sore because some restaurants still won’t cook my 1.5-pound burgers rare, and when you weigh 620 pounds, it makes it almost impossible to feel full. Thanks, Apple! You truly have my back!
January 2nd, 2008 at 10:57 am
There is no real advantage to this until a restaurant won’t even need a visit to dispense the food. When the day comes they can transport the meal directly, safely to your stomach, anywhere in the world, that’s the day the human race will clearly be doomed by sloth and excess.
January 2nd, 2008 at 11:11 am
Hey, does Apple have an arrangement with any liposuction clinics? You know, to offset the weight gain from when Yacko’s prophecy comes true? They could even call it iSuck.
January 2nd, 2008 at 11:12 am
Come to think of it, how is this any advantage to, say, calling ahead and ordering a take-out meal? This isn’t an innovation!
January 2nd, 2008 at 11:15 am
“A computer applet that occasionally reminds the user when it will be time to renew and update the applet.” hahahahahahahaha funniest ever
January 2nd, 2008 at 11:18 am
kingmoney: dude, I think that was the whole point of the joke.
January 2nd, 2008 at 11:25 am
why can’T you order sushi or vegan meals as well?
January 2nd, 2008 at 11:58 am
Because steve, restaurant counter staff like to have the opportunity to laugh at you in person.
January 2nd, 2008 at 12:29 pm
It will really get funny when some bored 13 year old makes a spambot that makes occasional orders in every restaurant in the US and the lawsuits against apple start coming in.
January 2nd, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Am I reading the article right, or does it sound like Apple are patenting a whole new system/device which has the specific function of wirelessly ordering food? How exactly would this differ from, say, using the wireless function on your iphone to order your food over the internet?
Apple must be just making any old shit up now, surely?
January 2nd, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Oh, I’d just like to add that this device might hand the impetus back to the USA in the sprint (well…more like a fast waddle I suppose) to be the fattest nation on Earth. Last I heard, the UK and particularly my native Scotland were catching up, but since we lack the technological firepower of America then maybe you guys will still be numero uno fatties.
January 2nd, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Yeah! U-S-A! U-S-A!
January 2nd, 2008 at 8:10 pm
The comments are more funny than the original topic.
January 2nd, 2008 at 8:39 pm
Funyuns
January 2nd, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Fuck you, Rob! NOTHING’S more funny than the original topic!
January 2nd, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Swain, you with QEII’s tits was funnier than the original topic in this post. Hands down!
January 2nd, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Swaim I meant. Edit function, people edit, function!!!!!
January 2nd, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Yeah, but what they don’t tell you is that you have to surgically install an iGullet in your stomach, because the food served is not compatable with standard human digestive systems!
January 2nd, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Why not just hand deliver needles filled with fat and inject it straight into people’s vains? Its basically what they’re trying to do here right?
January 2nd, 2008 at 11:56 pm
Or needles full of heroin.
OMFG, I am so off to patent that right now. Don’t you dare steal my idea bitches.
I think I’ll call it the iDie.
January 3rd, 2008 at 8:11 am
Andy, how about calling it the iPassOutInAnAlleywayOutOfMyHeadAndDrooling.
Or the LSD version: iSeeSomeInsaneShitDuuuude
January 3rd, 2008 at 8:28 am
Ross, those names aren’t catchy enough. The obvious name for such a product would be the iJunkie
January 3rd, 2008 at 8:35 am
Or the i’Mbroke
February 3rd, 2008 at 6:01 am
computer games compatable with windows vista…
yes indeed……