When they came for our free music, I said nothing, because I used Bittorrent.

When they came for our free TV shows, I said nothing, because I have a DVR.

When they came for our free movies, I said nothing, because, again, Bittorrent.

But now they come for our pornography, and no longer can I remain silent!

No longer can I stay my typing fingers while the rights bestowed upon us by our very broadband connections are whittled away, parceled and sold off before our very weeping eyes, flaccid penises, and parched vaginas!

I have paid for pornography, friends. I have paid and paid: my time, my sense of self-respect, my meaningful human relationships. But to pay money?! Such a thing cannot, nay SHALL not come to pass!

Today, I say, we band together! We, the anonymous minority, the faceless throng, must march together, hand in sweaty, sticky hand, towards those who would thwart our will!

Vivid Video, you who nursed us from tender young goslings into full-grown Internet perverts, wings proudly fapping in the sun, we beg you: end this madness!

Jameson!

Tai!

Devon!

Carrera!

Thai! (I have an Asian thing)

These ample fruits are not to be hoarded, but spread with joy to all comers!

Besides, we all have Limewire, so stop spending time filing lawsuits when you could be finishing Post-pro on Where the Boys Aren’t 27.

NERDY AUTHOR’S NOTE: The preceding manifesto contained four sex puns, two of which are probably more subtle than they should have been, and one of which is so condescendingly obscure that he should be beaten for including it. He apologizes, but could not resist.

Did you hear?! w00t has been named the word of the year by Merriam-Webster! I wish I had some sort of short exclamation I could use to express my joy! Oh wait, I know: HOORAY!

As a side note, this marks the first time a word comprised partly of numbers (the O’s are traditionally zeros) has been put into the Dictionary since 2003’s inclusion of “Sk8r Boi.” The Definition? “(N.)-One who wasn’t good enough for her / But now he’s a superstar / Slammin’ on his guitar / Does her pretty face see what he’s worth?”

In all seriousness, I’ve got to say this is something of a troubling sign. I’m all for gamer slang; anything that keeps a barrier of understanding between them and me is all right in my book. But the fact that it’s gaining mainstream acceptance gives the linguophile in me a shiver of fear, and a vision of a day when l33t is the U.S.’s official language.

To be fair, Merriam-Webster’s word of the year is chosen by Internet ballot, so it makes sense we’d be seeing things like “truthiness” and “blog” start making the rounds. But is that really what we want? Do we really want the same folks who create entire online encyclopedias just to chronicle their “hilarious” labyrinthine subculture deciding the direction the English language is going in?

And by “hilarious,” I mean roflcopter lolcat zomg kekeke!!!1!!one!!I’m hilarious!!!

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live in a world where when I drop a bag of groceries while walking home from the store, there are good odds that someone walking by will mutter “you just got RickRoll’d.” Sure, it sounds cool now, but trust me; it’d get old REAL quick.

To that end, I hereby nominate a word of my own creation for the 2008 word of the year:

Roflrift-(N.) The point in human history at which language becomes so fractured by subculture slang and the rapid invention of new words that no human being is capable of communicating intelligibly with another, and the world is thrown violently back into the Dark Ages.

And believe me, The Roflrift is coming.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Elektro: The Smoking Robot

Robots are everywhere these days: assembling our cars, detonating our landmines, and freaking out our cats. They’re simplifying our lives in new ways all the time, taking over tasks that we’d rather not do ourselves, and while that’s great news for those of us that are too lazy to freak out our own cats, let’s face it: despite their functionality, today’s robots are a total snoozefest.

It was a different story back in 1939, when Westinghouse premiered Elektro at the New York World’s Fair. Weighing in at 265 pounds, Elektro “spoke” off of pre-recorded 78 rpm records, had “eyes” that could distinguish between red and green light, and could walk on command. He also smoked cigarettes and knew a handful of terrible pick-up lines.

Today’s robot manufacturers could learn a few things from Elektro. Why can’t they make a Roomba that’ll hit on my girlfriend, or smoke cigarettes, or do anything cooler than SWEEP MY FLOOR? You’d think between the advances in technology and decline in morality that we would’ve come up with a really awesome robot by now, one that can kick ass, talk trash, cook food and literally shit out awesome new next-gen video game consoles. Instead we’ve got Roomba, the magical plastic disc that can sweep your floor. If Isaac Asimov were alive today, I’m not sure if he’d be bummed out or relieved. Although I’ve never actually read any of his books, so I guess that makes sense.

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Providing new evidence for the theory that the American entertainment complex will never produce another original idea again, NBC has once more reanimated the putrid corpse of one of your cherished childhood memories and will proudly display this unholy monstrosity to the world this February under the bastard name of “Knight Rider.”

The movie-and-possibly-series is going to star a bunch of young hotties with fake boobs and chiseled abs who will no doubt bring an “extreme” edge to the show, in order to appeal to the 18-29 year-old braniacs who read magazines like Maxim and Leathertits and drink that Coke with nicotine in it or whatever which the show’s advertisers are so desperate to attract.

Also joining the (extreme) fun will be a middle-aged sometime-actor named David Hasselhoff, who I’ve never heard of but who apparently achieved minor internet celebrity this year due to an entertaining video of the shirtless man engaged in a sensuous embrace with a chicken sandwich, lovingly filmed by his adoring daughter.

But the real stars of the show are bound to be the cars:

The three cars to be employed in the series include the KITT Hero—a Ford Mustang Shelby GT500KR that is playing the part of the everyday Hero car with 540 horsepower; the KITT Attack—a super high-speed version of the Ford Mustang Shelby GT500KR Hero car that transforms into Attack mode with the help of air-ride technology and specialized body parts—and a KITT Remote, which is a driverless Ford Mustang Shelby GT500KR version of the Hero vehicle.

… all of which will be available on eBay shortly after the show’s cancellation after three episodes (and replacement with “Law & Order: Spoiled Cheese Unit”).

So for the right price, you’ll then be able to say, “KITT, go pick up my stupid family,” and the car will happily drive out of a truck’s butt and take over all your most hated chores while you slowly grow deeper into the folds of your couch and await the premiere of “Airwolf 2008.”

So Fox News is running a report on their website that tauts home remedies for medical ailments. Specifically, they recommend rubbing garlic on your skin to combat athlete’s foot and jock itch.

So ladies, next time you’re at the grocery store and you see an anxious guy in line with a bulb of garlic, odds are good that there are four reasons you don’t want to have sex with him:

1. He has jock itch
2. He has athlete’s foot
3. He reeks of garlic, and, most importantly,
4. He believes what he hears on Fox News.

Seriously, Fox News, this is the science you wanted to support? Every day you find a new disingenuous way to question the validity of global warming, but you’re completely sold on the garlic. Hey, you know what else is good for ending all your fungal worries? Drowning to death in a melted glacier.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Dr. Gene Scott Is Angry, Loud

Sometimes I feel like I’m not passionate enough about anything. I don’t have a heartfelt belief in any sort of supreme being, I eat factory-farmed animals, I don’t recycle… when someone asks me if I want to donate a dollar to the blah-blah-blah foundation I usually say “Nah - I’m good.”

TV preacher Dr. Gene Scott (star of Werner Herzog’s God’s Angry Man), on the other hand, might have had TOO MUCH passion. From the looks of it, it made him ornery.

“Delivering long, sometimes rambling, sermons and biblical scholarship, Scott became known for his quirky stage persona as much as his preaching skills. He frequently employed comical props — including an ever-changing assortment of headgear and hats — chomped on cigars, occasionally swore, and played clips of pretty young women dancing during breaks in his presentation.”

I’m not going to pretend to understand what it’s like to be a lunatic televangelist (something I doubt I will ever experience firsthand), but it seems to me that Dr. Scott did it with about as much style & finesse as you possibly can. It’s like he was channeling Jesus, the Devil and your violent, brain-damaged, alcoholic uncle all at the same time. Only louder and angrier and more focused.

Oh - and way more terrifying.

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Considering some of the offensive Halloween costumes I’ve paraded in front of my friends and expected them not to sock me in the face, I feel a little awkward calling these kids douchebags for dressing as Virginia Tech victims. But, as it is my solemn duty to decry idiocy, here goes: what a couple of fucking douchebags.

Living proof that what happens on Facebook doesn’t stay on Facebook, these kids got their photos snapped at a party in October and it’s taken the last two months for the turds in question to float to the top of the toilet bowl that is national media outlets. And as you’d expect, everyone took turns saying how outraged they were and then showering attention on them.

Let’s drop the pretense for a minute here: they’re college students; they’re going to do dumb shit and piss everyone off. What even I can’t forgive, however, are the kids’ utterly terrible excuses, which I now present in order from least to most offensive:

Because clearly only the first iteration of a national tragedy is really tragic. I mean, how many times can a public building be bombed before it just loses that “tragic punch?” Oklahoma City? Tragic. The World Trade Center? Snore. It’s been done, man! Where’s the zazz?!

And did you notice the steady slide from principled rebellion to defensive whining? It’s probably on account of the hundreds of “detailed” death threats from Virginia Tech alumni that they’ve been receiving, including promises to curb them and “lynch” them. I’d be scared too; if Virginians have proven anything, it’s that they know how to lynch a guy.

The amount of attention they’ve received is somewhat staggering, considering how utterly stupid this all really is. If I thought being retarded on Halloween would get you this much publicity, I would’ve posted my own pics months ago. Let’s see, there was the year I went as a bloated Hurricane Katrina victim, then the next year I was a Holocaust survivor (losing all the wieght was a bitch), and this year I showed up as that artist’s rendering of Baby Grace.

Keeping up the violent sobbing and cries for mercy from my attacker all night was pretty tiring, but the warm grins on everyone’s faces were well worth the effort.

Top that you PSU sons of bitches!

The legendary supergroup returned to the stage last night after a three-decade absence, to rave reviews—and as you can see in the footage above, they even tried out some new material! Congratulations, guys, on showing you’re never too old to rock!

Awesome Video Of The Day

Terry’s Chop Shop

Proving once again that you can find pretty much anything you want on the web is Terry’s Chop Shop, a blog dedicated to, well, chopping stuff. It’s about time, too. I’m actually kind of surprised it took this long. According to his “About Me” section:

“Ever since I was a boy I have had a burning desire to chop. Some call it an obsessive compulsion, others have told me i’m clinically insane. But for me it’s simply a release. When I have my axe in my hand and i’m ready to slice open an inanimate object to see what’s inside, it’s like I go somewhere else - I call it the choppy place.”

Fair enough, Terry, but I think I could have told you what was inside that CLEAR GLASS PERFUME BOTTLE. I can relate, though - ever since I was a little boy I’ve had a burning desire to stack tiny pieces of plastic next to historically significant landmarks. When I do it, it’s like I’m in my own little world - I call it “the stacky place.” You’ve inspired me, Terry, and as soon as I get enough video together I’m going to launch my own blog. I think I’ll call it “Ross’s Stack Shack.”

Thanks for the boost of confidence, Terry. Now go chop some shit up.

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As you’ve probably heard, the Nintendo Wii is once again going to be very difficult to find this holiday season. Anxious shoppers are camped outside stores right now, chasing rumors of fresh Wii shipments. The handful that are available on E-Bay are going for 50% markups. And it seems that every other day a mainstream media outlet is telling the story of another frantic parent, desperate to obtain a Wii to replace the soiled Tickle-Me Elmo doll that no longer captures their children’s imaginations.

At first glance, this isn’t a terribly interesting story - nothing more than a byproduct of the ever-growing consumerization of Christmas, another reminder that the world we live in grows nastier and meaner every day. Typical holiday cheer stuff really.

But if you venture into some of the damper video game forums around the Internet, you can find a few people suggesting that Nintendo has deliberately kept supplies of the Wii tight in order to artificially generate free publicity and buzz for their machine. They reason that since the Wii has been in short supply for 12 straight months, this can represent nothing more than black-hearted malice on the part of Nintendo – the sort of anti-consumer malice normally associated with sinister American companies, like Microsoft or Frito-Lay.

“Not so,” counter Nintendo supporters, speaking from the carpeted floor in their parents rec rooms, “for to deliberately keep Wii’s in short supply, Nintendo would be losing money in sales. No amount of free publicity could make up for that,” they add, straightening their stained Yoshi t-shirt.

Another answer remains largely unspoken, given that it doesn’t fall neatly into the “NINTENDO IZ EVIL / NOES THEY ARE GOD FTW” cadence of modern online discourse: Nintendo may simply be incompetent. The short supply of Wii’s is due to Nintendo trying to make as many Wii’s as possible, and failing, possibly via some sort of I Love Lucy style conveyor belt shenanigans.

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