Awesome Video Of The Day

Japan’s Dreaming Of A Weird Christmas

With all this talk lately about green energy, I think it’s high time we start seriously considering electric eels as viable sources of clean energy. If all it takes is one eel to power your Christmas tree this year, then all you’d need to host an awesome holiday party would be one extra eel to power the stereo, a few more for the fridge, TV, and karaoke machine, and maybe a little one for the doorbell. You know - so you’ll know when the guests show up. Tell everyone to come around 9:30. That should leave you plenty of time to drive your creepy eel-powered car down to the pet store to buy a whole shitload of eel food.

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With the release of its Wikipedia-killing user-generated infocenter site Knol, Google hopes to at long last officially own the entire Internet, rather than merely by unspoken agreement as it stands today.

Knol, named after a “unit of knowledge,” and NOT a bastardization of the hyena men from Dungeons and Dragons as I’d originally assumed, is looking to be pretty fantastic, and Google is sparing no hyperbole in the lead-up to its launch:

There are millions of people who possess useful knowledge that they would love to share, and there are billions of people who can benefit from it. We believe that many do not share that knowledge today simply because it is not easy enough to do that.

Yes, clearly it’s far too difficult for the average person to share their knowledge on the Internet. That totally explains this Wikipedia entry. And this one. And THIS one. And these comments.

But inane PR posturing aside, Knol does have some key differences from Wiki that might make it worth your while, or doom it to crash and burn. For example, they’re going to incorporate Google AdWords and allow authors to get paid for their Knol pages based on how many hits they get.

On one hand, this could mean a lot of incentive for knowledgeable people to post valuable information. On the other, far more likely hand, this will mean that the phrase “Nude Pics of Scarlett Johansson” will have 1,300 entries, all promising you the absolute nudest pics if you just click this external link right here.

Naturally, that link will take you to the author’s other Knol entry page about pirates, ninjas, zombies, their fights with Chuck Norris, and anything else they think will bring in the hits.

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I’m not ashamed to admit it, I’m a big fan of Yahoo News Photos. Rarely a day goes by that I don’t get some form of entertainment or edification out of a visit to their pages, whether it’s adorable pictures of an eight-limbed superbaby, or fashion show highlights where you can sort of see somebody’s hoo-hah. But today had such a bumper crop of quality items that I just had to share them with you. Let’s begin!

Mmmm… succulent deadly terrorist scallops. That looks like the most delicious, butter-drenched national tragedy I’ve seen in a long time.

Above, a passenger waits to pass through one of LAX’s new high-tech airport security stations. (Alternate caption: “Claudia Suarez, the new head of the National Transportation Safety Board, has bold ideas about improving airline security. There’s just one problem: she has to get past La Migra first.”) And finally:

I honestly have no idea why nipple this photo would be on the is that the right place for a nipple “most viewed” list—after all, it’s giant weird nipple several years old, that particular nipple pointing right at me couple isn’t married anymore, and it’s not a very nipple is scaring me good picture of Ms. Anderson’s face, what with I will never sleep again those big sunglasses. I’m stumped.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Colin’s Bear Animation

I watched this video like ten times before I realized I should turn the sound on. I have no idea how many times I watched it after that, but I know it’s still every bit as kickass as it was the first time. Hang on - I’m gonna go watch it again.

Yup - still rules.

According to the “About This Video” section:

“This video was created by a third year Game Development student at UOIT. This is the final animation for an Animation Arts class. My friend Colin used all the techniques that were taught by this professor. And as you can see, he made the best animation with what was taught.

I know this was an attempt to throw some sass at a less-than-stellar professor, but considering the current state of video games I think the industry should actually give this video some thought. If I had $50 and a choice between this and yet another boring WWII shooter, I have a pretty good idea of where my money would go:

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So VH1 compiled its list of top 100 songs of the 90’s, and wouldn’t you know it, Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit topped the list. How surprising. Living through Nirvana’s adulation while it was occurring was annoying enough, but watching Cobain rise to the status of a Lennon or Hendrix in death borders on unbearable.

Don’t get me wrong, “Smells Like Teen Spirit” is a damn catchy tune. And in their short time Nirvana was able to put together a string of fine pop rock songs.

But they didn’t do anything that hadn’t been done before. And Cobain never pretended he did, openly acknowledging that Smells Like Teen Spirit was his attempt to write a Pixies song. At other times, he referred to Nirvana as the Cheap Trick of the 90’s . Some have said that was an attempt a humility. Others say it’s proof that this depressed martyr didn’t understand the extent of his genius. I disagree. I think it sums up Nirvana pretty well. Both groups were fronted by blonde-haired, blue-eyed pretty boys who penned some simple, straight-forward pop rock songs. And, hey, there’s nothing wrong with that. I like Cheap Trick. Nirvana too.

But Nirvana’s main accomplishment was to make a style of music —they neither invented nor expanded— cool. They made it okay again to be lo-fi and aggressive, and they did it in a way The Pixies or Screaming Trees or Mudhoney couldn’t. Because Curt Kobain was cool. He had a cool attitude. And, most importantly, he was really good-looking — something noticeably lacking from some of the aforementioned bands. I mean, Christ, which is Cobain and which is Brad Pitt?

So, I’m sorry, but Cobain doesn’t get Lennon or Hendrix status. I will put him in league with Jim Morrison, but then again, that’s another guy whose legend is based on looks and personal charisma at least as much, if not more, than the music.

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Gladstone writes for Cracked and others. Go to Wayne Gladstone Lives in Maine to see all his published stuff, links to his other worthless endeavors, and his full name and state of residence.

Former boybander and current openly gay has-been Lance Bass told reporters that he was paranoid about his sexual orientation while he was in NSync:

“I was always watching what I said, what I did. You would learn so many things throughout the years, like, gay people do this and gay people say this. I remember one time someone told me that if you say the word ’so’ a lot, that’s a tell that you’re gay. I was so afraid to say the word ’so’ in anything I did! That’s how crazy things got for me.”

Wow. So Lance was so scared of being outed he stopped saying “so.” And, yet, he walked around with this haircut:

And he was a member of this band:

Clearly, poor Lance was confused during that tumultuous time. Here are some other things I’m guessing he did to hide his sexuality:

• Messed up choreographed dances on purpose.
• Tried to turn straight by staring at Joey Fatone.
• Refused to have sex with Lou Pearlman like the other guys.
• Told female groupies that “flaccid” was the hip, new “erect.”
• Only let Justin get to third base.

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Gladstone writes for Cracked and others. Go to Wayne Gladstone Lives in Maine to see all his published stuff, links to his other worthless endeavors, and his full name and state of residence.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Death From Above

Winter. To some it means Christmas, hot chocolate in front of the fireplace, wrapping a scarf around a snowman’s neck and sledding down a picturesque hill. To me personally, though, it means putting my life into the hands of fate and hoping I don’t get hit by a giant falling chunk of ice.

If you live in a city where it snows, then you’ve probably seen those “CAUTION: FALLING ICE” signs they put on the sidewalk outside of skyscrapers. I’ve never really understood the point of those: if the ice is gonna fall, it’s gonna fall. I’m convinced that getting hit by falling ice would kill you instantly. It would be painless. All these signs do is create the pain of anticipation without actually preventing anything. They should use these signs to apologize ahead of time just in case you get hit. You know, like “CAUTION: THERE’S NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT ALL THIS FALLING ICE,” or “CAUTION: LIFE IS A TOTAL CRAPSHOOT.”

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Isabelle Dinoire, the wold’s first non-filmic face transplant recipient, has released step-by-step photos of her recovery. The ones above have been tastefully edited by yours truly to try and prevent anyone screaming and running away from their computer, but you can check out the grislier version aqui.

Honestly, considering she got her face shredded by her dog Resident Evil-style and had it replaced with the face of a brain-dead organ donor, she’s looking pretty damn good. I mean, ideally you’d get to choose the face you wanted, maybe something in the recently-dead celebrity area (I’d go for Aaliyah).

But as they say, dog-mauled Frenchwomen on the brink of death can’t be choosers. All things considered, she could have gotten a lot uglier:

Her first order of business now that she’s fully recovered? Killing the shit out of her dog.

For those of you living in primitive, over-seas, possibly Australian lands, you might not be familiar with the sudden onslaught of consumerism that overtakes America in November. Immediately after Thanksgiving, people across the land venture out of their dwellings for days and weeks on end, purchasing everything they see, all in a futile attempt to celebrate the birth of their Pagan lord, Jesus. It’s horrific.

Consequently, November, and it’s sequel, December, are some of the biggest months of the year for the retail industry. Video game retail sales are no different, and unsurprisingly, tend to spike abruptly in these two months. Below we present the video game sales data for November, courtesy of the NPD group. As always, if used properly, this data will back up any argument you want it too.*

*up to, and including “Don’t shoot, here are five excellent reasons why I’m in bed with your wife”

Hardware Sales (lifetime in brackets)

Nintendo DS 1.53 million (15 million)
Wii 981K (6 million)
Xbox 360 770K (7.9 million)
PSP 567K (9.5 million)
PlayStation 2 496K (40 million)
PlayStation 3 466K (2.5 million)

Software Sales

360 Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 1.57 million
Wii Super Mario Galaxy 1.12 million
360 Assassin’s Creed 980K
PS2 Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock 967K
Wii Wii Play (w. Remote) 564K
360 Mass Effect 473K
PS3 Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare 444K
Wii Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock 426K
360 Halo 3 387K
PS3 Assassin’s Creed 377K

Percentage gain over October sales:

Wii: 89%
Xbox 360: 110%
PS3: 285%
DS: 232%
PSP: 98%

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Jetpacks Are Boring

There was a time that I would’ve said having a jetpack would be unconditionally awesome. Who needs concrete plans when you have a jetpack, right? All you have to do is float around 50 feet off the ground, aimlessly firing thrusters and going wherever the winds blow.

That’s what I used to think, anyway, but these days the idea of having a jetpack doesn’t really do much for me. I guess it would be alright, but 50 feet isn’t really that high in the grand scheme of things, and not NEARLY high enough to consider “soaring majestically.” Plus, what am I going to be soaring not-so-majestically over, anyway? A parking lot? Maybe an IHOP if I’m lucky? I’m sure it would be fun to fly around with it for a little while, but after the initial novelty wears off all you’re really left with is an awesome-but-impractical mode of transportation that will most likely eventually kill you.

Chances are I’d blast off, and it would be cool for about 15 minutes, and then I’d be like, “Alright - what now?” Then I’d land at the local hipster bar to show off my cool new jetpack, but I’d have no idea how to lock it up, and all my friends would go inside. They’d be like, “You alright?” and I’d be like, “Yeah - I’ll be there in a minute.” Then I’d strap back in and fly around for a while, all alone, until I started getting text messages like “where you @?!” or “u comin bro?” Then I’d throw the thing in a dumpster, go to the same shitty bar I always go to, and get a drink. It’d be a night pretty much like any other, except I’d have gotten there with a jetpack. The future is now, and guess what? It’s just as shitty as everything else. Buy me a beer.

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