Today, I introduce a new feature here at the Cracked blog: The Celebrity Quotes Quiz. Here’s how it works. I give you both the celebrity AND the quote. That’s right. Both!

“What’s the challenge then?” you say. (Actually, you’re probably just saying, “Oh crap! Another post by Gladstone? Is he going to make fun of The Beatles now? When will Cracked fire him. Now where’s my crystal meth?”) In any event, the challenge will be to guess WHAT the celebrity is talking about.

Ready? Then let’s begin. Our quote comes from Academy Award winner Denzel Washington:

Washington says, “I was getting a little bored just sitting in the trailer, waiting for my part. And looking down the line I’m thinking, there’s gonna be a day maybe when they don’t call as much.

“Really, I’m surprised it took this long. It’s just curiosity. Not wanting to settle. Wanting to learn something new.”

What’s the Denz talking about?

1. His bi-curious exploration of homosexuality borne from his fear that one day the ladies will stop calling.
2. His new fascination with heroin, borne from looking down a line of coke and fearing that some day his dealer won’t call.
3. His belief that Kurt Cobain was a talented composer of several very catchy pop rock songs who served as the poster child for the entire grunge music primarily because he was the best looking guy in Seattle and his music was the most accessible to the masses

So which is it? Give up?

Oh, okay, the correct answer is none of the above. He was just talking about starting to direct movies because some day he may no longer be cast as an actor. But how fun is that? Not very fun. Sort of like this post, I’m afraid. On the bright side, it’s just about Christmas so you’re probably not reading this anyway. Hmmm, still, I feel bad. Is there something I could do to make it up to you? How about this:

Best I could do. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Awesome Video Of The Day

Pretty Much The Coolest Fucking Thing I’ve Ever Seen In My Life

Not long ago, virtual reality wasn’t really much of a reality at all (unless you had access to a CAVE or were watching The Lawnmower Man). We’ve come a long way since then, and now some guy named Johnny Lee has figured out a way to turn a regular TV and a Wiimote into, like, the coolest thing of all time.

It would be pretty easy to make fun of this guy for being kind of a dork, but you know what? He’s like a thousand times smarter than I am, and while I’m sitting here making dick jokes and snarky little remarks, he’s furiously coding some awesome new program that will one day produce amazing new video games that I, the retard consumer, will then purchase. Then I’ll be staring at my TV with infrared lights strapped to my glasses, ducking and weaving around the living room like “whoaaaa.” Then my girlfriend will walk in and be like “you look like a fucking dork.”

Hubris sucks.

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Unless your name is Alan Parsons or Trevor Horn, Phil Spector owns your ass when it comes to producing hit songs. Just a sample of his body of work:

Unfortunately, that last part tends to be the only one people focus on these days. That’s why I’m going to bet his recent speech at Ike Turner’s funeral was more of a diversionary tactic than anything else. In case you’re unaware, here’s a brief rundown of Ike Turner’s career:

I’m not saying those two facts have anything to do with one another, I’m just broadly implying it.

Spector did a good job spreading the shit around, insulting Tina Turner, Oprah Winfrey, Whoopi Goldberg, and Eric Clapton. I guess he just really hates menopausal black women.

That, or the fact that in the later seasons of Next Generation, Whoopi totally sucked up all of Riker’s screen time. No, wait, that’s why I hate Whoopi Goldberg.

Spector called Tina Turner’s book (and the resulting film) “pieces of trash,” credited Ike with “making her the jewel that she was,” claimed Ike could “play circles around Eric Clapton, and Eric knew it,” and said he had “an ambivalence about Oprah Winfrey.” Well, I think we all do Phil.

But when you get down to it, what did the accused murderer love so much about the drug-addled wife beater? In his own words “He never, ever bothered me. He never interfered with me. He never got in my way.”

And we all know what happens to people who get in Phil Spector’s way.

Welcome to another edition of Cracked Science Corner! (!!!!11!!) Today, we go behind the headlines to explore some fascinating new research that will turn you from a confident know-it-all into a sniveling pile of incertitude, all within a few mind-blowing seconds. Because as it turns out, approximately 90% of what you believe is crap—at least medically speaking, according to a recent study of commonly-accepted medical b.s.:

Reading in dim light won’t damage your eyes, you don’t need eight glasses of water a day to stay healthy and shaving your legs won’t make the hair grow back faster. These well-worn theories are among seven “medical myths” exposed in a paper published on Friday in the British Medical Journal…

Other myths busted—hey, that gives me an idea for a show—include the notion that hair and nails grow after death (which is thought to have originated with photos of Joan Rivers), that we only use 10% of our brains (it’s actually closer to 0%), and that eating turkey makes you drowsy (it actually has an effect similar to an ecstasy/crack speedball).

But the list failed to mention these additional myths, which are just as widely accepted, and just as false:

• Walking barefoot in public restrooms makes you thin and causes your albums to sell really well
• Marrying your adopted stepdaughter makes you a better film director
• Smoking marijuana does not make you vote for Ron Paul
• Believing 9/11 conspiracy theories causes mental retardation (turns out it’s the other way around)
• Bashing beloved rock legends for an easy blog post makes you popular
• Doing speed while pregnant makes your babies faster
• Having gay sex with gay men in restrooms makes you gay (it actually makes you cool); and finally,
• Reeding Cracked make you more smarder

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Ian Cooper is a frequent contributor to the Cracked Blog. For more of his thoughts on what a bad person you are, visit his website, Wrapped Up Like a Douche.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Surfer On The News

There’s something about this guy that makes me want to take him home with me and keep him as some kind of weird pet. I feel like he probably can’t really take care of himself. I could keep him in my storage closet or something and only open the door when I want to hear something hilarious, then reward him with slices of pizza and bags of weed.

You know how you’re only supposed to give fish a little bit of food because they’ll eat until they explode? I feel like it’s probably exactly the same deal with this guy, so I better make sure to only give him a little bit of pizza at a time. Otherwise he’ll just keep eating pizza, and then he’ll paddle out into the ocean, get a cramp in the middle of a sick barrel and get totally pitted.

I do NOT want it to be my fault that this guy gets pitted. Seriously.

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Seeing as the Writers Guild of America has opted out of writing for or attending the Academy Awards and Golden Globes, and the actors just might stand in whiny defiance alongside them, we may find out.

Honestly, I wouldn’t know; I hate awards shows with a vitriol that can only be harbored by those desperately jealous of award winners. In my life, I have won the following:

And at the conferrals of all above awards, I never once got the chance to make a speech, although if I had they all would have all gone like this:

“Fuck all of you. None of you believed in me. You all laughed! Well, NOW who’s holding the fucking 15-Dollar Payless gift certificate, you cunts?!” Then I’d Macarena off, bitches on either arm. Also, I’m Batman.

My point is, the fact that the writer’s strike may result in the Academy Awards and Golden Globes being even shitter, more pompous, and more irrelevant than usual is the first thing that’s got me really excited about it. Of course, it’s also keeping The Daily Show off the air, so it’s kind of a toss-up.

But, at least until such time as I am eligible for an award, I proudly support the WGA and their noble struggle for fair pay. Apologies to all those comedians whose only work has just been taken away from them. I’m looking at you, Billy Crystal.

3D Realms has released a new trailer for Duke Nukem Forever, apparently in a last-ditch effort to avoid losing their status as most ridiculous gaming monstrosity.

For anyone who hasn’t followed this story heatedly from its outset (I’ve had men on it from day one…that’s what she said), Duke Nukem Forever is the proposed sequel to a fairly decent FPS that sounded as if it would have been staggeringly, mind-blowingly decent if it were released in 1997 when it was meant to be.

Then, for reasons even my own strapping team of investigative web-journalists have failed to uncover (one guy thought it was because of the Jews, but he’s been fired), the game was delayed. And delayed again. FOR TEN YEARS.

The news here isn’t so much that the game got delayed into oblivion—a lot of games die that way—but rather that 3D Realms will occasionally trot out some video footage of the corpse to try and keep the thing alive, like a digital Weekend at Bernie’s.

Here’s the teaser in question, which features some quick cuts of derivative-looking aliens, a homoerotic wraparound of the Duke flexing his guns, and some metal thrash guitar circa 1994.

Frankly, the teaser they released in 2001 (here lovingly recut by an adoring fan) had a lot more going for it.

Sure, their heads are square, but you’ve got a shrink gun, a donkey being eaten by a sandworm, and even a minecart ride. And we all loved Donkey Kong Country, right?

The new version just looks like another FPS, which would kind of be suicide when the market’s used to games like Half-Life 2 and Bioshock. Of course, 3D Realms is certainly aware of this, which is why I predict Duke Nukem Forever (when ultimately released in 2012) will have the following innovative features:

Finally, I leave you with this video, in which the Duke achieves his highest form of existence as a perpetrator of criminal harassment and impetus towards nervous breakdown. Skip to 4:30 if you just want to see the part where a human being crumples under the tremendous weight of Duke’s balls of steel.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Old Man Goes Nuts In A Car Wash

One time I broke my antenna off in a car wash. I had the stereo on and didn’t really think about it, and then when I got out the thing was hanging by a thread over the side of the car. The radio still gets decent reception, but I guess I would have preferred to keep the antenna attached. Maybe if I’d noticed that it was getting destroyed I would have done something about it. You know - like go completely fucking insane and destroy my entire car.

According to the internet (or more specifically, the video description from Break.com, which seems like a reliable and accurate source to me), the police report said the “old” guy in this video “went nuts” when he realized he had lost his glasses. It doesn’t make it clear if he lost them inside the car or in the car wash itself, but either way I don’t think this reaction would really solve anything. Unless your goal was to blow up on YouTube, figure out a way to monetize your newfound celebrity, and use the money to buy some new glasses. In which case you’re a visionary genius and probably not the type to lose your glasses in the first place.

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It’s time once again to shed your worldly concerns about depressing issues like the global warming whatsit, the War on Whatever, the subprime mortgage doodad, and the fact that you had to scavenge your children’s Christmas presents out of dumpsters (after scavenging those dumpsters out of larger dumpsters)—and ease your furrowed brows with the soothing inanity of the Unnecessary News. It’s hypoallergenic, pre-digested, and guaranteed to work gently by morning. So let’s get crack(ed)in’:

Subliminal Huckbertising: Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has been accused of flaunting his religion in a campaign ad which featured Huckabee in front of what appeared to be a floating cross. However, a spokesman insisted the imagery was accidental, saying, “it was supposed to be a burning cross!”

Be Niece, Until it Is Time to Not Be Niece: Although Jamie Lynn Spears has confirmed that she is indeed “with child,” older sis and parenting expert Britney is refusing to believe it:

… Hours after the news broke on Tuesday, the troubled pop star dismissed the reports. In video footage posted on TMZ.com, Spears is heard telling the paparazzi, “She’s not. My sister is not pregnant.”

However, Britney’s denial actually fits quite well with her preferred philosophy on children: “If you ignore them, they’ll go away.”

Dohertyshambles: The rock band Babyshambles, which is rumored to be among the front-runners for a 2008 Grammy in the category of “Outstanding Performance by a Group whose Lead Singer Has Banged Kate Moss,” was forced to scrap a recent show early after their beloved crooner Pete Doherty took ill:

Doherty… managed to perform eight tracks with his band before he was forced to leave the stage, insisting he was too sick to continue. The troubled star is alleged to be suffering from a bout of flu, which caused him to vomit and faint backstage.

… incidentally, “flu” is British for “drugs.”

There’s nothing funny about the December 13, 2007 murder of two LSU graduate students. It was a heinous and needless crime. And heavens knows this blogger has never mined tragedy for a cheap joke.

So as a public service, I’m reprinting the sketch of one of the suspects:

Attention, all Cracked readers, if you see former Democratic Congressman and current Chairman of the Democratic Leadership Council, Harold Ford, Jr., please alert authorities immediately.

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Gladstone writes for Cracked and others. Go to Wayne Gladstone Lives in Maine to see all his published stuff, links to his other worthless endeavors, and his full name and state of residence.