Let’s Play: Who Had the Worst Christmas?!
Well, the 25th has come and gone, and for those of us destined to ascend to Heaven come Rapture, that meant Christmas (Sorry 85% of Cracked readers, but according to this book here, Jews burn).
The details of my own Yuletide celebration are too involved and heroic to relate here, but suffice to say Disney has acquired my likeness rights for the upcoming straight-to-DVD featurette Michael Saves Christmas.
But now that the carols have all been sung, the halls undecked, and our gay apparel stowed tastefully our of sight, only one thing remains to fill our souls with the fading warmth of the Season: our shitty, shitty presents.
Now, because my Mom occasionally reads this blog, and because I actually needed them, I’m going to go ahead and say that I truly appreciated the socks and underwear I received this year (not a joke). But, there’s no arguing that opening a series of small, soft packages filled with cloth can fail to impart that certain thrill that runs through a young man’s body when he gets, say, an N64 for Christmas.
And that got me thinking: there are a number of you out there who read this thing (at least eight, judging from the comments), and I’m betting some of you got presents even shittier than mine.
Well, now’s your chance to share that pain with the world, and probably get zinged appropriately. Consider it a group therapy session, or just a way for me to make myself feel better about the thirteen pairs of dress socks I will now be wearing to all family functions.
Let the whining commence!
December 27th, 2007 at 4:32 pm
i got a caddyshack bobblehead. i have never seen caddyshack.
December 27th, 2007 at 5:01 pm
The Table-Mate® II.
I’m 19….
December 27th, 2007 at 5:08 pm
I long ago resigned myself to getting dad gifts (i.e. clothes, ties, cologne, underwear, socks and tools, if you’re lucky. This is what I got this year clothes, cologne and some tools. No socks or ties. My bitch is what I didn’t get, something I have asked for, for the last three years. A damn Force FX Lightsaber. Any one will do except the Yoda one, it’s to short. Even the gay purple Mace Windu one will do.
I have been asked for three years now what I wanted and have said verbatim the previous statement, without the damn. How simple is that? What do you want? A fucking light saber, that’s what I want. What do I get clothes, underwear, cologne and fucking tools? Now granted the LED headlamp and the battery operated crescent wrench were pretty cool, but they ain’t no fucking lightsaber.
The problem is my wife is a grown up and cheap and can’t see spending 150 to 200 dollars on a toy for her emotionally and mentally retarded, soon to be 40 year old husband. My position is that I have been a good husband, good father and have spent the last 21 years of my life serving my country, and if I want a fucking lightsaber I deserve it.
But hey , I’m not bitter. I’ll just buy one my damn self.
December 27th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
My mom got me a stash-belt. It’s a belt with a zipper on the inside to stash shit. Wait… I guess that’s pretty cool, but somewhat strange, as she strongly dissaproves of my drug use.
December 27th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Jon, mind cluing me in on what a Table Mate is, and how the II version differs from the I?
December 27th, 2007 at 6:11 pm
I always thought the girl in that video was phoning in the excitement so she would get noticed.
December 27th, 2007 at 6:17 pm
Well I’d like to inform Gladstone that I received the Nirvana Unplugged DVD and it was a GOOD xmas. About getting clothes as a gift, I guess it’s cool, unless you wanna fuck up some kid’s holiday by giving him a polo shirt or something… for him to play with, I presume. Another pretty cool way to fuck up children is to give them something like an Ultra Robotron 5000 with no batteries in sight ’cause it didn’t cross your mind that electrical toys need batteries.
December 27th, 2007 at 6:30 pm
i got a magic kit. i’m 12 years over the top advised age on the box, so i’ve never used it for fear of dangerous wizardry only to be attempted by children.
thanks gran.
December 27th, 2007 at 6:37 pm
My mom bought me the “Paul Potts” CD this year. For one, I don’t think I’ve bought a CD for myself in the past 5 years and secondly, this guy is mega-lame. He was an “opera singer” (I write that in quotations because he’s another one of those people with little-to-no training and I feel this is one of those areas that deserve some pretention) who was discovered by Simon Cowell. *PUKE*
Considering my mom drove 3 hours to buy me the Thundercats Layer (which was way ahead of its time and likely would have cost the same amount as buying Kyrgyzstan that year in 1987) when I was 4, this was terribly saddening. To make it worse, I was really hung over from the xmas eve party we had at my family home and I puked my face off at 4:30am and had to clean about 2 bottles of red wine and shots of tequila off my mom’s bathroom floor and walls.
Even though I got lots of other great things from my family, I associate the seemingly unrelated story about projectile vomit experienced that morning with the Paul Potts CD. I’m frightened that should I ever play this CD, puppies will be randomly slaughtered and angry tics will fly out of my nipples.
December 27th, 2007 at 6:39 pm
Table-Mate® II is the perfect portable table for anything you would use a table surface!
Use it for eating, as a lap-top computer table, a study desk, reading, writing, drawing, board games, models, puzzles, arts and crafts, trade shows, gardening, serving table, table to hold a computer keyboard…or anything else you can possibly think of!
• Slides right up with just one finger until it touches your body
• 2 minute assembly without any tools or fasteners
• Ideal for people in limited space environment like students or the elderly
• Folds into a semi-folded position for storage next to a chair or completely folded configuration for storage under a sofa or in a closet.
• Tables stack next to each other in semi-folded position ideal for anyone with mobility problems or anyone recovering from an injury, illness or operation.
I have no clue how this was a great improvement over the first. Over the summer my grandparents bought this for my great grandparents who could use something like this, apparently my “just being nice” comment was too nice. On top of this they asked my mom to buy it for them seeing as how we live in Maryland and they live in Michigan. My mom knew better, but still bought it…. Oh, they even sent her a coupon to use to buy it…
December 27th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
HAHA. I think table mate takes it so far.
MattYVR: in a similar vein, I have a bunch of “classic” humor DVDs and cheap compilation CDs people keep giving me after I tell them I’m an aspiring comedy writer. Harry Shearer’s collected SNL skits, a Dean and Martin clip episode (since when do they devote an entire DVD to one episode of a show?), et al.
December 27th, 2007 at 7:52 pm
Christmas sucked, but then I read this:
http://www.buffalobeast.com/122/50mostloathsome2007.html
And I was happy.
December 27th, 2007 at 10:50 pm
heathenish, I sorta don’t get the connection with xmas sucking and that article
December 28th, 2007 at 12:35 am
from three of my aunts/uncles i got the exact same ugly gray aeropostale sweatshirt, all a size too large.
also from my granpa i got the jim gaffigan dvd, the same one he bought me for my birthday a few months ago.
December 28th, 2007 at 1:21 am
I believe heathenish may be a spambot, or at the very least an insufferable tool.
December 28th, 2007 at 2:12 am
Heathemish, I know fuckin comedy. I mean I read Michael Swaim at least once a day. You can almost call me an expert. That was not even remotely funny. It was kinda sad though. Someone actually put all that effort into writing that bowl of dog turd.
As for Christmas. I’m here to laugh in you losers faces….HAHAHAHAHAHHA…HA…HA!
I had an AWESOME Christmas! I got mainly Xbox 360 games! Yes threatening peoples lives does work. Try it next year!
December 28th, 2007 at 3:40 am
Concert ticket/s and a series of hilariously crappy joke gifts.
Like a tin of biscuits and the scottish bagpike anthology on cd.
December 28th, 2007 at 3:47 am
I got a dead family friend.
Last year I got a break up and a dead grandma.
Also, a lightsaber would be seriously fucking cool. What is wrong with your wife? Now I want a lightsaber.
December 28th, 2007 at 5:21 am
MattYVR: I honestly thought Paul Potts was a joke name. Didn’t anyone maybe think there could be a link between Paul Potts and Pol Pot? I mean ones a Welsh opera singer and the other is a Cambodian dictator, but still. It’s a little bizarre.
I got a beanie hat. It doesn’t really fit very well.
December 28th, 2007 at 6:00 am
Guess what, Adrian: You don’t own comedy. I and several thousand folks on the web think that list is fucking hilarious, and I can even spell and employ punctuation appropriately.
December 28th, 2007 at 8:14 am
Me. I haven’t received anything this christmas but a pack including CD, headphones and a tshirt, and that, I earnt it as a prize in a webpage.
No kidding, no one has remembered me this christmas, and now Santa is officially banned from entering my house.
Well, maybe the problem is, here in Spain we give our presents January the sixth, the day when the three weirdos gave lil Brian the presents. At least we’re not following a pedophile in red dressed by cocacola. Or something like that.
December 28th, 2007 at 8:48 am
I love you, heathenish. I wanna have your babies and make love to them with my penis.
December 28th, 2007 at 10:01 am
Other than the 14 Robotech DVDs… I guess I really can’t complain when I start off like that. Many days of warm, happy nerding will follow, I’m sure.
No lightsaber, though.
December 28th, 2007 at 10:02 am
I would love to put a light saber through my eye right now… I hate being at the office at 6am. At least I have Zwarte Piet and the kid-kicking to keep me company.
Although Christmas vacation is short and my family bought me fascist propaganda from Simon Cowell, I can watch Youtube videos because I asked our IT guy to install flash on my computer
Has anyone seen any of the Brenda Dickson over-dubs on there?
Firing up Youtube on the 23rd was a great present when I saw that there are now 4 Brenda Dickson vids. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dO65OlAhEJg http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hKwIXugCWw (those are my favs)
If I get bored of that, I can watch the neti-pot commercial over and over. Nothing says Merry Xmas like nasal irrigation. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzK9Gn4E_Eg
I know that’s an older vid–both suggestions are, but they are my favourite of 2007.
December 28th, 2007 at 10:19 am
My stocking contained a small tin of breath mints (I think my parents are trying to tell me something), a candy bar that I can’t eat because I’m allergic to nuts, and a small box of “Viva la Revolucion!” matches straight from Mexico.
I also got shoes, and a 119-piece tool kit with some pieces missing.
If it wasn’t for the bottle of Tequila that also came straight from Mexico, this holiday would have been a total bust.
December 28th, 2007 at 11:30 am
glendoor42, can i donate some money towards your lightsaber fund? i felt your frustration to the core of my heart!!! all i wanted was a futurama bender wind-up robot. that was all i told anyone that asked me what i wanted. but i didn’t get it. man, sometimes you just gotta buy what you want yourself!
December 28th, 2007 at 11:55 am
Which is why i’m wearing in my brand new Converse All Stars.
And why my sister simply cannot pick up pre-christmas hints.
December 28th, 2007 at 1:39 pm
This turned out to be way more depressing than I’d hoped.
But if we can all band together and get glendoor a lightsaber, it will have been worthwhile. Seriously, can we like, threaten your family or anything like that? Just say the word.
December 28th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
My parents bought me seat covers…for the car I don’t have…for the one I am still saving $4000 to buy. Thanks guys!
December 28th, 2007 at 2:25 pm
This year- I got laid off so Wamu could right off the losses for ‘07 along with 3500 other people. Then at the x-mas party for work the valet put $350 damage to my car, and the seafood at the xmas party had me pissing out of my ass for 2 days. All in all-a real bang-up Christmas for sure.
December 28th, 2007 at 5:06 pm
Thank you all who were concerned about my plight of the lightsaber. I greatly appreciate the offers of help. I hope that you all will be happy to know that I ordered one this afternoon off the Internet. I got it for $99.00 plus S&H
For some strange reason my wife left me in possession of her debit card. I don’t do banks or banking shit. ( all my money goes to her account and rightly so, she understands the concept that just because you have checks DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE MONEY, this simple premise tends to elude me, but I do happen to know how much money WE have, the premise of WE tends to escape her) So in two to three days shipping time I will have a Master Replica Force FX Darth Vader model from Episode IV. I’ll some be smiting Sith and/or Jedi, depending on my mood.( Mostly I will be tormenting my dogs)
This is how Ralphie must of felt.
December 28th, 2007 at 8:19 pm
Glendoor42, you gotta promise us your own rendition of the Star Wars Kid with your new lightsaber.
December 28th, 2007 at 9:25 pm
In November of last year my parents got divorced and then in December everyone in my close and extended family moved no less than 1700 miles away from me. (Maryland to Colorado)
This year I got a 32″ LCD HDTV, so it all evens out.
December 28th, 2007 at 10:32 pm
Oh I also just found out my great gradma died like 4 months ago and no one told me.
But seriously, HDTV!
December 29th, 2007 at 6:28 am
Glendoor42, i insist, INSIST DAMNIT, that you track down the pizza ninja (if he’s still alive) and get him to kick down your door with his club foot screaming ‘lightsabreee, lightsabre, demand lightsabre or fight for honour!”
If you’re family aren’t traumatised, they’ll certainly get the message.
December 29th, 2007 at 8:36 am
HaHaHaHa!!! Naw, there ain’t no need for the pizza ninja. Trust me , my family’s plenty traumatised from living with me all these years. I can be a real joy to be around. On good days I’m kind of like the dad on That Seventies Show. On bad days I’m kind of like R. Lee
Ermey in Full Metal Jacket…. with PMS…. and on crystal-meth….with a stick up his ass.
BTW I bet you cut a right smart figure wearing your beanie and your Converse All Stars.
Please tell me that your beanie has a propeller on it. That would just make my day.
December 29th, 2007 at 8:38 am
And my lightsaber was mailed yesterday and will be here monday. At least according to
UPS and we all know UPS is never wrong.
December 30th, 2007 at 1:11 pm
I got a box of soda crackers, a small block of sharp cheddar and a bottle of generic Mountain Dew-type soda, worth a grand total of 4.79 cents at the local Save-A-Lot.
December 31st, 2007 at 3:15 am
I think I had the very worst Christmas ever. I was fixing dinner for my family when I flat-out collapsed. I felt like I was one of those marionettes that had the strings cut from me. Sure, I knew how to land so I didn’t hit my head, but I was conscious enough to refuse to let others help me up. Then, after finishing dinner, I packed up the leftovers and we spent a few hours in the ER. I had a blood sample taken, an IV stuck into my left hand, and I was connected to a monitor while I waited for the results of my blood test. Result: a slight case of anemia brought on by fatigue and stress. And it’s not like I’m ancient–well, relatively speaking maybe for some 45 years IS ancient, but I know others much older than me…like my mom, who still drives semi trucks. But I digress.
Anyway, my Christmas was one of the worst I endured, second only to the year my grandmother died on Christmas Day back in 1980. So I guess you could say that for Christmas, I got anemia.
December 31st, 2007 at 11:33 am
I got bedding, which I asked for, because I don’t get to spend a lot of time in bed, but I would like to be able to enjoy the limited time I get. I did ask for hard drugs and a hooker, but you can’t always get what you want. My friend Jason got a shrimp ring and a box of condoms. Which sucks because A) he just moved to Edmonton and doesn’t know anyone so his chances of needing condoms are pretty slim and B) who gives someone a fucking shrimp ring for christmas? Overall, I don’t think anyone had a worse Christmas than Jason.
December 31st, 2007 at 7:18 pm
Six pair of socks, a t-shirt with last years joke on it, a pair of boxer shorts that say “Slow Man Working” (a hint, perhaps?), my girlfriend’s autistic daughter with a mad case of the ChocoTrots for the entire week, my own case of it for the rest of THIS week, and only one day off for Xmas.
January 1st, 2008 at 1:14 am
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!! AND WAR… DAMN….EAGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
January 1st, 2008 at 11:34 am
…nothing…i got nothing…
well, thats for now anyway, theres a ps3 on its way, thanks to my mom, but il be selling/returning it because she got ripped off…and the reason it didnt come on christmas day was because she waited until 2-3 days before christmas to order it…women…
January 1st, 2008 at 4:09 pm
antispamdinista, at least you can take comfort in the fact that you didn’t spill a vat of boiling water over yourself after falling over.
January 1st, 2008 at 4:58 pm
So I love to draw (a lot) so I asked for a pile of art materials. I got an eraser…
January 1st, 2008 at 8:36 pm
I think the best one so far is the death bar with nuts. I received, among other things, a door mat that says, “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit…look who’s here!” no joke. Sadly, I laugh every time I look at it so you could say it’s growing on me.
January 2nd, 2008 at 9:33 am
My brother and I have a longstanding agreement - our gift to eachother is to not get eachother gifts. This is the best gift ever, saves us so much trouble. Both of us just go buy whatever we want on our own anyway…
January 2nd, 2008 at 9:34 am
Someone did get me a nice gift certificate to B&H photo, though, which was great. All I need is camera gear anyway.
January 5th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
Well, I still remember back when I was ~7 and CDs had been in fad for, oh, maybe 6 months. My sister got a boom-box with a tape-player and CD player. I got her old one with just the tape player. No joke. I actually got my sister’s refuse for Christmas. (Hanukkah but I digress)
March 5th, 2008 at 4:16 am
I got an iPod Touch :D! Lolz, I picked it out myself because my dad is hopeless otherwise…
But, my New Years sucked ass. I spent it in a hospital recuperating from my skiing (And snowboard) induced concussion.
Being as young as I am (12)=Awesome prezzies