The Only Thing I Ever Took 10 Years to Make was my Son Cody, and he was Equally Disappointing
3D Realms has released a new trailer for Duke Nukem Forever, apparently in a last-ditch effort to avoid losing their status as most ridiculous gaming monstrosity.
For anyone who hasn’t followed this story heatedly from its outset (I’ve had men on it from day one…that’s what she said), Duke Nukem Forever is the proposed sequel to a fairly decent FPS that sounded as if it would have been staggeringly, mind-blowingly decent if it were released in 1997 when it was meant to be.
Then, for reasons even my own strapping team of investigative web-journalists have failed to uncover (one guy thought it was because of the Jews, but he’s been fired), the game was delayed. And delayed again. FOR TEN YEARS.
The news here isn’t so much that the game got delayed into oblivion—a lot of games die that way—but rather that 3D Realms will occasionally trot out some video footage of the corpse to try and keep the thing alive, like a digital Weekend at Bernie’s.
Here’s the teaser in question, which features some quick cuts of derivative-looking aliens, a homoerotic wraparound of the Duke flexing his guns, and some metal thrash guitar circa 1994.
Frankly, the teaser they released in 2001 (here lovingly recut by an adoring fan) had a lot more going for it.
Sure, their heads are square, but you’ve got a shrink gun, a donkey being eaten by a sandworm, and even a minecart ride. And we all loved Donkey Kong Country, right?
The new version just looks like another FPS, which would kind of be suicide when the market’s used to games like Half-Life 2 and Bioshock. Of course, 3D Realms is certainly aware of this, which is why I predict Duke Nukem Forever (when ultimately released in 2012) will have the following innovative features:
Finally, I leave you with this video, in which the Duke achieves his highest form of existence as a perpetrator of criminal harassment and impetus towards nervous breakdown. Skip to 4:30 if you just want to see the part where a human being crumples under the tremendous weight of Duke’s balls of steel.
December 20th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
Was that 10 years in utero? My condolences to your wife. (I mean beyond the obvious condolences.)
December 20th, 2007 at 5:03 pm
She’s not my wife per se. I like to think of her more like a repository for my seed. A jar, if you will.
December 20th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
and “she” obviously doesn’t read Cracked.com.
December 20th, 2007 at 5:17 pm
That’s how I like to think of her too.
December 20th, 2007 at 5:37 pm
I’m guessing that “she” probably doesn’t read much of anything.
December 20th, 2007 at 6:31 pm
ZING!
December 20th, 2007 at 7:17 pm
Either she was gestating for 10 years or there was a single defective yet Rambo sperm that eventually made it to its destination after ten years. Poor Cody. His determination may yet compensate for his lack of ability, winning him the love from his father that he so desperately covets.
December 20th, 2007 at 9:45 pm
Hey, how about some comments about the post instead of about my ugly son?! Believe me, he doesn’t need the encouragement.
December 20th, 2007 at 10:14 pm
Must look like his Dad, and uh the link to the lady having the nervous breakdown was funny as hell.
December 21st, 2007 at 1:13 am
I still think this is the Jew’s fault.
December 21st, 2007 at 1:24 am
Everything is the Jews fault.
December 21st, 2007 at 1:43 am
I remember Duke Nukem. I played it through like 30 times. That was mainly cause I was a poor bastard that could only afford one game, but still it rocked! Now finally the sequel is here. HOT DAMN! I think I’ve saved up enough to afford my second game. Does anyone know if this will still run on my Pentium 1? Or should I finally upgrade to the Pentium 2? Either way my family is going on a diet.
December 21st, 2007 at 6:36 am
I almost clicked on that “realdoll” link before I figured out what it probably is (not safe for work, in other words).
I remember playing Duke Nukem back in the day. But have they really been working on the game for 10 years? Fucking hell!
December 21st, 2007 at 9:48 am
Sad to say it, but 3-D Realms would be waaay late to the party releasing a Duke game now as it was back then. FPS’s have moved beyond the B.J.” Blazkowicz’s and Quake protagonists that Duke Nuken was intending to parody, (and on a larger scale, action movie heroes like John McClane and “Dirty” Hairy Callahan.) The humor would need a serious update, (along with Duke himself) to be relevant and engaging as a game. That’s not to say an effective modern FPS spoof couldn’t be done! It needs to take the approach of Shaun of the Dead, (as in being a satire and a damn good zombie movie at the same time). Games he’ll need to parody now: Halo, Half-Life, BioShock, Call of Duty games, etc. while using one of these game’s engines at the same time!
Ok, nerd moment over, you may now go on with your lives.
December 21st, 2007 at 1:21 pm
Do spoof games still make money? I remember seeing Boogerman and Conker’s Bad Fur Day and thinking “yeah, in the glorious gaming future, no one will be able to scrape together the money to produce that.” Except Psychonauts; that game rules.
Also, the Real Doll FAQ page has some of the best, and presumably frequently asked, questions about rubber sex toys EVER.
December 27th, 2007 at 1:15 pm
I agree that the teaser looked kinda mediocre - Duke just doesn’t look like Duke anymore! But 3D Realms is still 3D Realms, consisting of mostly the same people, so I think they’ll get it right in the end.