Jetpacks, Boredom and The Classiest Headline Ever: The Friday Nooner (EST)!
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Jetpacks Are Boring
There was a time that I would’ve said having a jetpack would be unconditionally awesome. Who needs concrete plans when you have a jetpack, right? All you have to do is float around 50 feet off the ground, aimlessly firing thrusters and going wherever the winds blow.
That’s what I used to think, anyway, but these days the idea of having a jetpack doesn’t really do much for me. I guess it would be alright, but 50 feet isn’t really that high in the grand scheme of things, and not NEARLY high enough to consider “soaring majestically.” Plus, what am I going to be soaring not-so-majestically over, anyway? A parking lot? Maybe an IHOP if I’m lucky? I’m sure it would be fun to fly around with it for a little while, but after the initial novelty wears off all you’re really left with is an awesome-but-impractical mode of transportation that will most likely eventually kill you.
Chances are I’d blast off, and it would be cool for about 15 minutes, and then I’d be like, “Alright - what now?” Then I’d land at the local hipster bar to show off my cool new jetpack, but I’d have no idea how to lock it up, and all my friends would go inside. They’d be like, “You alright?” and I’d be like, “Yeah - I’ll be there in a minute.” Then I’d strap back in and fly around for a while, all alone, until I started getting text messages like “where you @?!” or “u comin bro?” Then I’d throw the thing in a dumpster, go to the same shitty bar I always go to, and get a drink. It’d be a night pretty much like any other, except I’d have gotten there with a jetpack. The future is now, and guess what? It’s just as shitty as everything else. Buy me a beer.
The Greatest Headline Of All Time
Newspapers are having a really hard time staying afloat these days, but if everyone took a lesson from the New York Post and wrote headlines like this from time to time I think everything would probably work out just fine:
It’s my duty to make jokes as a Cracked blogger, but honestly, what can I do with this one? They pretty much covered all the bases in a mere 5 words. People talk a lot about how bloggers are quickly replacing mainstream journalists, but this is proof that there are some things best left to the professionals. You know - like writing unbelievably tasteless headlines… for obituaries. Stay classy, Post.
December 14th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
I saw that headline, and I wasn’t sure whether to cringe or laugh, but I was in some place in between…..Is there a word that describes how I feel? Is there a word (seriously) that describes something that is funny, but you just can;t laugh at?
If there’s not, I say we start a grassroots movement to make that word the Websters word of 2008
December 14th, 2007 at 12:37 pm
I think you’re feeling crinaughter.
December 14th, 2007 at 12:44 pm
If you had a jet pack though you could fly while drunk which would probably be more fun than sitting while drunk when you puke on the people down below.
Best headline ever.
December 14th, 2007 at 3:19 pm
I was mostly confused by the quotation marks around “beats”. I kept thinking of scenarios in which Mr. Turner could have killed his ex-wife in a fashion described as beating, but not requiring an actual literal pummeling. I came up with the following:
A feverish cake mixing contest in which Tina eventually collapsed from exhaustion.
Tina Poisoned by a gift basket of tainted beets, courtesy of Ike, followed by typing error by Post copy editors.
Beatbox tournament in which Ike so severly shames Tina (old school) that she dies of the embarassment.
Some sort of mutual masturbation scenario I don’t even want to consider.
December 14th, 2007 at 6:55 pm
Yeah, jetpacks, who needs’em? Now K.I.T. I could still use, just without his damn smarky condocending voice.
December 14th, 2007 at 8:25 pm
You’re right, because K.I.T. would use his SNARKY, CONDESCENDING voice to tell you what an idiot you are. Then he’d laugh. Wait, do robot cars have senses of humor? I sure hope so. And if they don’t, they should. Get on that, Honda.
December 15th, 2007 at 6:20 am
Yep, cos wife-beating is high-larious.
Actually, it is.