Fox News Science Fun!
by Gladstone
So Fox News is running a report on their website that tauts home remedies for medical ailments. Specifically, they recommend rubbing garlic on your skin to combat athlete’s foot and jock itch.
So ladies, next time you’re at the grocery store and you see an anxious guy in line with a bulb of garlic, odds are good that there are four reasons you don’t want to have sex with him:
- He has jock itch
- He has athlete’s foot
- He reeks of garlic, and, most importantly,
- He believes what he hears on Fox News.
Seriously, Fox News, this is the science you wanted to support? Every day you find a new disingenuous way to question the validity of global warming, but you’re completely sold on the garlic. Hey, you know what else is good for ending all your fungal worries? Drowning to death in a melted glacier.
December 12th, 2007 at 4:28 pm
touts?
December 12th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
Ouch! He’s got you dead to rights, Gladstone.
December 12th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
Ouch
December 12th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
Why don’t you report on the cool story on foxnews.com mainpage?
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,316592,00.html
GLOW CAT!
December 12th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
And I’m sure Al Gore would tell you that fungus, like every single other thing ever, would only get worse with global warming.
December 12th, 2007 at 4:49 pm
And if you’re going to talk about the stupid things that newspeople say and do, you’d have to monitor Keith Olbermann 24/7.
December 12th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
Boooo thedude! Yay Olbermann!!!! And for the record, no, I’m not willing to argue about this, I’m just spouting a vague opinion with a lot of gusto. What can I say? The guy has charm.
December 12th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
Wow, the FOX News joke series. That hasn’t been funny in like….damn has that ever been funny? What, is Rosie writing for Cracked now.
December 12th, 2007 at 5:18 pm
Damn it! Foiled again by incorrect punctuation.
December 12th, 2007 at 5:28 pm
The thing that strikes me most about this piece is that a member of the Cracked staff did the following….
a) Got a picture of a dude drawing attention to his coin purse, meaning that someone either already had this picture, or Google searched for “Nut sack”
b) Got a picture of Mr. Bill O’Reilly, probably through the same methods as a)
c) Placed the picture of Mr. O’Reilly in such a way that there will only be a minimal amount of visible scrote
I’m pretty sure all of that trumps garlic-ball-rubdowns in terms of sadness
December 12th, 2007 at 5:33 pm
Mr. Swaim- Olberdouche is a sportscaster and has no business announcing the news.
December 12th, 2007 at 5:34 pm
Wow… I had no idea the majority of readers and commentators of Swaim’s articles were right-wing morons from Texas. Learn something new every day…
Never stop Google image searching for nutsacks, Swaim. Nutsacks are funny every time.
December 12th, 2007 at 5:39 pm
Yep, we’re the morons because we don’t think O’reilly=ballsack is funny.
December 12th, 2007 at 5:40 pm
Right-wing morons from Texas, but you want more searches for nutsacks. Yeah…
December 12th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
Bill O’Reiley is a “huge blubbering vagina.” So O’Reily has more of a “right” to do the news then Olberman? By what criteria? I have just as much right to do the news as those two assholes. At one point is a man spouting is bullshit opinion to lobotomized audience news? I guess if that is the case then cracked.com is fucking CNN.
Also, what is with the gnarled crotch shot? did they guy have scabies and then dip his balls into posion oak?
December 12th, 2007 at 5:46 pm
Also, Gladstone wrote the post, not Swaim. Look who’s the A student.
December 12th, 2007 at 5:50 pm
Potz, omgz you read maddox and agree with everything he says? Congratulations! Yes, O’Reilly is an asshole, but that doesn’t mean that Olbermann isn’t? He’s an idiot, he doesn’t know facts, and he constantly misreports everything.
December 12th, 2007 at 5:51 pm
It’s an easy mistake to make. I DO Google for nutsacks A LOT.
December 12th, 2007 at 6:12 pm
The Dude-fine they’re both assholes. What does that prove, that maddox, and you are both right? Awesome. But what a fucking dumbass rebuttle. “What an article on how dumb O’reiley is? What about Olberman?” What about him? Everything you said about Olberman can be said for O’reily. Maybe if Olberman was rubbing his balls with garlic anfd calling everyone pundits and dare I say-LIBERALS, then the article would have been about him.
Fox News only crime that it is barley news, it’s also shitty entertainement.
December 12th, 2007 at 6:27 pm
It’s funny how quickly the comments on an article about garlic and jock itch turned to discussion about Olberman ,O’reilly and Googling nutsacks.(Which sounds more disgusting than it should,well maybe not)
December 12th, 2007 at 8:12 pm
Actually Bill O’Reilly always comes up when you type nutsack into googfle image search.
SUCKIT!
December 12th, 2007 at 8:58 pm
If you do use the Garlic cure for jock itchery, you can take comfort in knowing Vampire Prostitutes will not want to give you blow jobs.
I don’t know about you guys, but I sleep easier knowing that.
December 12th, 2007 at 10:08 pm
Hey dumbas…er..thedude, it’s really O’reilly = itchy ballsack. This is a website for humor. Remember? I’ve yet to see YOU contribute a single funny comment, you whiny Red-Stater.
December 12th, 2007 at 10:37 pm
I googled “jock itch.” Also, global warming is real. Seriously, dude. Come on. COME ON.
I think Olbermann is an unqualified pseudo-journalist, but i do not believe he is part of an entire network conspiracy to assist the Republican party through deceit.
Accordingly, my wrath is reserved for Fox.
December 12th, 2007 at 11:36 pm
I miss the funny this site used to have that kept drawing me back.
Can you please bring it back in time for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Atheism Awareness day? That would make my day, and that of so many more.
Thanks in advance.
December 13th, 2007 at 1:44 am
Not to get too much into the scuff, here, but I gotta agree with Ibh…thedude, i see you on nearly every blog and your devil’s-advocate, lone martyr conservative d-baggery probably is the single greatest common factor among all the heated arguments on this thing…take it to the political forum on craigslist, man
December 13th, 2007 at 6:30 am
Wyatt,
Just out of curiosity, tell me some articels on the old new Cracked that you really enjoyed.
December 13th, 2007 at 9:30 am
I google jock-itch too, and I found my dream woman on site called sugarmommy.com. she rich and she help me with my jock-itch too. Work much better than garlic or pasting picture
picture of Bill O’Reilly on my balls to drive evil jock-itch spirits away.
December 13th, 2007 at 10:47 am
its a pretty shitty conspiracy if every single person sees through it. lbh-ouch, calling me a red-stater made me realize that the only possible way I ever get my news is by jerking off while watching fox news at the same time. Its the only way I can get off. Also, when liberals call me a red-stater, that’s awesome too. FYI, I barely ever watch tv, and I haven’t watched fox news in ages. I’m simply defending them because I’m sick of one-sided political insults. Spread it around, assholes. Just because you agree with the shitty scumcrap that comes out of Olbermann’s mouth doesn’t make it any less shitty. Maybe learn to open your eyes to another side of the argument and you won’t sound a million times less ignorant than the red-staters who you hate so vehemently.
December 13th, 2007 at 10:48 am
And if you don’t believe Olbermann is part of a network conspiracy, then you’re not looking right. If you were on my side of the tracks, you’d want to blow your brains out when the pseudo-journalists at MSNBC claim the best republican candidate is Ron Paul. That’s a conspiracy to fuck up the Republican party.
December 13th, 2007 at 11:36 am
Interesting that thedude apparently had no problem being called “whiny”. If you can’t grow a sense of humor how ’bout tryng to grow a pair instead ? Itchy ones. (ps. I don’t watch O’Reilly or Olbermann, I’m not a liberal and I don’t hate anybody. You’re just annoying)
December 13th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
Hey thedude, so if I start paying attention to your side of the argument I “won’t sound a million times less ignorant than the red-staters you hate so vehemently.” It takes a big man to admit their wrong thedude. I respect you for that. Unless your trying to say one would sound a billion times less ignorant?
December 13th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
I’m not even sure what the question was Matt. I was saying that leftists always assume Republicans are retarded rednecks, but all I ever see from them is ignorant rhetoric saying that Republicans are retarded. There are no intelligent ideas, and when the only thing you have to say is that someone else is stupid, then you are more stupid then they are.
I’m saying that if you viewed CNN and MSNBC from a conservative point of view, you would see how extremely biased they are. For example:
Chris Matthews recently postulated that the writers strike is a good thing for Hillary because then late-night comedians won’t get to make fun of her. He thinks they go after her because she is “so pure and good.” Yep, no bias there. I think everyone in the world can agree that the only reason anyone would make fun of Hillary is because she is “so pure and good.”
Also, everyone in the world can agree that, as Olberdouche often likes to point out: “Bush should be hanged for war crimes, sir.”
Yep, that’s a mainstream network if I’ve ever seen one.
December 13th, 2007 at 3:06 pm
thedude-so you haven’t watched Fox News in ages but yet you defend them in their current format. I guess you just watch MSNBC so you can spit at your t.v. And anyone that uses bullshit insults like “liberal” is just telegraphing their menatl punches. Fuck it! Stop reading this tripe and just refer to Jackson’s post.
December 13th, 2007 at 4:36 pm
Hey, you know what else is good for ending all your fungal worries? Drowning to death in a melted glacier
Ahem, Gentlemen i believe i have solved the supposed global warming Issue. I hereby request that congress issues free swimming lessons to all members of the united states of america. PROBLEM SOLVED.
December 13th, 2007 at 5:12 pm
Wait. A comment about something I WROTE???? wow.
December 13th, 2007 at 5:38 pm
Damn, I just clicked on Gladstone’s name and it took me to his website where I saw that I was guest #6586. That one more little click of the counter is just going to encourage him to write more liberal propaganda for all of his communist-bastard followers to rally around. Damn my curiosity.
December 13th, 2007 at 6:49 pm
Monkey, I’m so hoping you’re being wildly facetious when you call contempt for Fox News “liberal propoganda.” Please?
Because, actually I blog all my liberal propaganda here .
December 13th, 2007 at 7:31 pm
Gladstone, you have followers now? When the hell did this happen? Amass them, for the time to march on Washington is NOW!
December 13th, 2007 at 7:33 pm
Also, Gladstone, in reference to your propaganda blog: FUCK FUCK FUCK! WHEN WILL THE MADNESS END?!
December 13th, 2007 at 9:26 pm
Gladstone,
Things that I enjoyed on the old/new cracked. I’m not really quiet sure, but it was before the website had the facelift. There just seemed to be some sort of life that was fresh and vibrant, and the endless possibilities and potential awesome-ness
I just got kinda sick with all the lists such as ‘9 Sci-Fi Captains That Wear Funny Hats’, or ‘Cars that deserve more than four wheels’. I particularly found the George Forman parody hilarious, what Michael Ian Black Wrote was ‘off the wall, no reason in particular to be published’ necessary, and…. I don’t know what else to say. It seems like the new stuff has taken away from the greatness of the older material.
I’d hate to see this site just become a new thing that does nothing but make pop culture/80’s references. But, then you are aiming to entertain the majority, and not the individual.
December 13th, 2007 at 10:59 pm
I hear ya, Wyatt. I understand you think this post sucks, but I don’t think it sucks in the same way that you think the other stuff on the new, new Cracked does.
As someone who usually writes satire and not actual researched articles, I was more comfortable with the old format. Nevertheless, I probably enjoy the same percentage of articles under each format.
December 14th, 2007 at 3:43 am
Thanks for responding Wyatt. You should tell everyone you know to begin a non-stop email campaign to get satire and editorials reinstated. You sound like a humor writer’s ideal reader.
December 14th, 2007 at 6:54 am
It’s funny that many conservatives think Chris Matthews is a left wing liberal considering he voted for Bush and has admitted to voting republican many times and that liberals think he is a conservative because he voted for Bush and also how he treats many conservative guests on his show (i.e. the opposite of “hardball”).
And this whole thing about bias on news shows– these people are not journalists. They are talk show hosts and pundits. They’re supposed to be biased. They’re supposed to give you their opinions and–depending on how much integrity they have–either be rational and level-headed or gigantic douches. Usually douches get more ratings.
Having said that, and this is to “thedude”, how do you know Chris Matthews wasn’t saying the words “so pure and good” the same way you are, with cynicism and sarcasm? Or maybe he’s saying that’s how those comedians view her. People with strong biases, especially in politics, see things that they want to see. I always felt Chris Matthews was more of a conservative to be honest.
December 14th, 2007 at 3:44 pm
You know, i hate to lower the tone but all i really noticed about that picture is that guy has REALLY well-groomed fingernails.
December 14th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
I consider myself a fairly high-minded humor reader, but even I would be excited to read an article entitled “9 Sci-Fi Captains That Wear Funny Hats”.
December 14th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
Mr. Gladstone, Mr. Swaim, I think you now have a challenge, my friends. Find 9 pictures of Sci-Fi captains who wear funny hats.
I’ll even help you out. There is an episode of Firefly where Mal wears a bonnet (the episode is ‘Our Dear Mrs. Reynolds’), and Star Trek: Insurrection has a scene where Captain Picard is given a head dress. It was when they initiated the primitive culture like frat boys do into a fraternity, but instead of having to streak campus and do gay stuff, they actually gave the initiating party a funny hat (use this line. MUST).
The race has begun.
December 19th, 2007 at 7:42 pm
wyatt just attempted humor, which was actually funny in the we’re-laughing-at-you sense
January 2nd, 2008 at 7:19 pm
I am now convinced that thedude is a secret alter ego of my ex room-mate who recently found Jesus, went insane, and moved to Virginia to bomb Planned Parenthood. Give me a call Chris, I want my spatula back!
March 9th, 2008 at 9:58 am
I’d prefer reading in my native language, because my knowledge of your languange is no so well. But it was interesting! Look for some my links: