Starpulse And Wide Open Ass???!!!
I’ve often blogged about my disdain for Starpulse.com. They like to create a four sentence story from one Associated Press celebrity quote, and give it a pun-laden headline that almost always incorrectly summarizes the content. So, for example, Tom Hanks might tell reporters at a movie premiere that he was late to the event because he was stuck in traffic and they’ll dress it up like this:
Life in the Slow Lane for Hanks?
Hollywood superstar Tom Hanks almost missed the LA premiere of The Golden Compass last night, blaming traffic conditions. Some had speculated that the star of Forrest Gump and The Green Mile might not make it to the event, but Hanks ultimately showed.
“Sorry, I was stuck in traffic,” Hanks told reporters as fans looked on from behind the velvet rope.
Hanks was accompanied to the event by his wife Rita Wilson.
But lately, it seems there’s a new Starpulse in town. They’re trying to feature more in-depth articles, and, bless their hearts, the results are adorable. No, wait. Not adorable. I mean maddeningly inept.
Like this latest gem: a feature they like to call They’re Related?!
Please note that the question mark and exclamation mark are Starpulse’s, not mine. The average English-speaking reader would be expecting an article about secret or unknown family relationships between people in Hollywood. Something to justify the use of such wacky punctuation. Right? I’m sorry, I mean Right?!
But that’s where you’d be so very wrong. Because I shit you not, these are the three secret Hollywood relations that Starpulse has uncovered:
- Ron Howard and Clint Howard.
- Dennis Quaid and Randy Quaid.
- Sylvester Stallone and Frank Stallone.
Yarp. They profiled three brothers ALL OF WHOM HAVE THE SAME LAST NAME! I’m sorry. I don’t really have a joke here, but HOLY CRAP that doesn’t even qualify as phoning it in. Did anyone NOT know these guys were related? I was expecting something a tiny bit less obvious like Nicolas Cage and Francis Ford Coppola or Jason Schwartzman and Talia Shire, but this? But this?!
In any event, I’m so disgusted with Starpulse that I will continue to link my posts to them only about 80-85% of the time. I’m sorry, I just feel that strongly about it.
December 5th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
Fantastic post. I think you made the world safer and really brought those guys down a notch.
December 5th, 2007 at 4:49 pm
You know who else is related, it turns out? That stupid President Bush guy who screwed up the country, and that really smart guy who’s president now!
December 5th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
This post is racist.
December 5th, 2007 at 5:04 pm
They should do Peter Graves and that guy from Gunsmoke.
Actually, they should make them fight to the death.
December 5th, 2007 at 5:14 pm
He wishes the post were racist. Then he’d be rollin’ in comments like us.
December 5th, 2007 at 6:08 pm
Ian– I don’t understand your comment. that is all. (btw I’m a fan of Bush, and as one, have become sick of people who still think its funny to make fun of him. Granted, he’s screwed up sometimes, but anyone who likes him, and has stuck with him for seven years, isn’t going to suddenly see an antiBush joke and slap their foreheads and go “Duh! Its suddenly all so clear now! How come I didn’t come to this conclusion the last seven hundred times Jon Stewart made that joke? (?!) How foolish of me.” It stopped being hip almost a year ago, and I think it especially lost its edge after the entertainers, try as they might, couldn’t prevent him from being re-elected in 04. They were defeated by the buffoon they so hated, and yet continued on as though nothing happened.
sorry,
December 5th, 2007 at 6:33 pm
I read on, eagerly expecting a close parenthesis, but alas, none was found.
Also,
December 5th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
It shouldn’t even be called “They’re Related?!”, it should be called “Check out this successful person’s shitty brother!?”
December 5th, 2007 at 7:10 pm
thedude, I think you mistake my intentions; I’m not interested in converting Bush supporters, nor in being “hip,” nor in bemoaning previous elections, nor in finding new opportunities to use the word “nor.” I just enjoy shooting the proverbial retards in a barrel sometimes, and your man just keeps crawling in there.
December 5th, 2007 at 7:41 pm
yeah, sorry about that parenthesis. I realized I opened it, but then I opened that quote, and I got mixed up…sorry.
And don’t give me that “retards in a barrel” line. There are so many more retarded people you could be spending your jokes on. Its not like Bush is even newsworthy anymore, and yet people continue to joke about him.
Also, Bush did not screw up the country. Little known fact: When a Republican is president, every single thing that happens that’s bad is his fault, but when a Dem is president, every single thing that’s good that happens is because of him. Usually the numbers of good and bad things stay about the same. If the media keeps wishing a recession on us, its going to happen, despite the fact that the economy is pretty strong.
December 5th, 2007 at 8:22 pm
Jason Schwartzman and Talia Shire are related? Son of a bitch!
That’s too random not to be true.
Then again, you could say the same thing if someone said “Jason Schwartzman is nailing Talia Shire.” So really…
December 5th, 2007 at 8:23 pm
I can’t believe this post got hijacked into Bush country. And Swaim, I don’t need to be racist to get comments. I take the high ground and pick on murdered children.
…PS: ( I was picking on the sketch artist)
December 5th, 2007 at 8:24 pm
Talia Shire is his mom.
December 5th, 2007 at 10:26 pm
George Bush is related to Jeb Bush.
December 5th, 2007 at 10:26 pm
?!
December 5th, 2007 at 10:29 pm
The picture at the top looks kind of like Kid Rock.
December 5th, 2007 at 10:54 pm
Talia Shire is Jason Schwartzman’s mom, and he’s nailing her?! What has this country come to? (I blame Bush.)
December 6th, 2007 at 1:08 am
God i love pissy political humourless posting. Makes me glad there’s someone more petty and dense than me out there.
And i’m a gibbering simpleton
December 6th, 2007 at 2:39 am
Mr. Preacher Man, just take a deep breath and step down off your soapbox. Everything is gonna be ok. You probably don’t even remember what you started talking about in the first place, but it’s alright, we still love you. Shhhhh, shhhhh. Sleep. Let all those nasty thoughts just fade away.
Ok, kill him.
December 6th, 2007 at 10:57 am
How is it not newsworthy that the president of the United States is below average intelligence? He’s still president, isn’t he? He’s still stupid, isn’t he? You’re saying it was newsworthy for six years, but it definitively stopped being newsworthy at some point last year? Are we supposed to stop caring that the president is incompetent because the joke is stale?
December 6th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
This is my favorite part: “There are so many more retarded people you could be spending your jokes on.”
Yay! Let’s make fun of the special olympics!
December 6th, 2007 at 4:33 pm
“I was expecting something a tiny bit less obvious like Nicolas Cage and Francis Ford Coppola or Jason Schwartzman and Talia Shire” Actually, you could also have noted that Schwartzman is related to Coppola and Nick cage is related to Talia Shire. Shire is Coppola’s sister, which makes Coppal Schwartzman’s uncle, and Cage Shire’s nephew.
December 6th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
… and they’re all nailing each other.
December 7th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
….amd he said “The Aristocrats!”
April 24th, 2008 at 4:34 am
This post is way, way too old to be commenting on. That is the disclaimer.
I just wanted to say that “Bush Hijacking” would be an awesome band name.