Bill Nye, The Restraining Order Guy
Beakman must have been overjoyed this week to learn that arch-rival and Tucker Carlson of government-required children’s educational programming Bill Nye was undergoing severe marital and legal problems. Beakman always was one for Shadenfreude; he used to beat off while Lester mopped the lab.
Giant rats and masturbation aside, Nye’s ordeal is pretty spectacular. He surprised his girlfriend with a spontaneous wedding, then when he found out the marriage license wasn’t valid, decided to call the whole thing off. You know, because the mild hassle of getting some paperwork refiled sort of kills the whole true love thing.
According to Nye, THIS happened next:
Nye says his distraught ex-wife-that-never-was poured a toxic liquid into the garden behind the house they both owned, a substance Tindall later said was weed killer. Nye took out a restraining order against her. He says she was “dressed in black and wearing a black hat” and “she fled on foot when I called her name.”
There was an allegation that Tindall intended to throw poison onto Nye’s face or sprinkle it in his eyes.
Once you’re done cackling at the mental image of Bill Nye getting poison sprinkled in his eyes, try and appreciate how awesome some of the finer points of this set-up are: Nye’s ex dressed up as the black spy from Spy vs. Spy, Nye weeping over his beloved roses, and Tindall the concert oboist loping off through the suburb, bottle of empty poison in her sinister black-gloved hand.
I also can’t get over how Nye treats the whole thing like an experiment on his show. Upon “investigating” the herbicide, he reportedly concluded that is was “quite toxic,” and could have theoretically soaked into his vegetable garden and then gotten into his food. I assume he deduced this by setting up a control garden and treating a series of test gardens with various levels of the poison. Yay science!
Now all it needs is some wailing electric guitar and wacky sound effects to keep the kids entertained and it’s ready for the KPBS afternoon block:
December 5th, 2007 at 8:44 am
Where is your God now, Darwinists?!
December 5th, 2007 at 9:21 am
I think you need to clarify your question. Are you implying that Bill Nye is the Darwinists’ God? Or, are you trying to be facetious with asking about a “God” that most hardcore Darwinists wouldn’t believe in anyways? I’m quite confused at what you’re implying.
In any case, Bill Nye does have some interesting info. I doubt he came up with it himself, but I remember some fact like this: with the amount of air that goes in and out of a person’s lungs through a lifetime means you have about a 1 in 10 chance per breath to take in the same air that some famous person in history has before you.
December 5th, 2007 at 9:43 am
I was always more of a Mr. Wizard person.
December 5th, 2007 at 10:04 am
This is my favorite blog post ever. Beeeeeeeeeakmaaaaaan! Man I loved that show. I’m glad he finally got one over on Nye. Don’t see Josie, Liza or Phoebe attacking him with acid. Man he was such a pimp.
December 5th, 2007 at 10:09 am
As someone who always had a soft spot for Nye, I was so upset when I heard he got a restraining order. Because I thought somebody got once against HIM. And I was wondering what the poor guy could be doing to terrify someone that much.
But hells yes. Bill Nye needs to protect himself from the crazy bitches that always be throwin’ themselves at him.
Ahem.
December 5th, 2007 at 11:51 am
Wow, another Beakman fan. Greetings good sir. I believe we are the only two.
Hey, did you know the original Josie does like all the girl voices on South Park now?
December 5th, 2007 at 12:49 pm
True Story:
In his college years at Cornell, Bill Nye was a notorious party fiend. One particularly boozed-up night, Mr. Nye attempted to climb from the second story of his dormitory to the third, on the exterior of the building. He fell down and broke his arm. When found with compound fracture by concerned party-goers, his first words were, “More Beer!”
I swear on my mother’s and/or grandmother’s grave that this story is 100% accurate. Except for maybe the compound fracture part, i don’t know in what manner Mr. Nye’s arm snapped.
December 5th, 2007 at 2:09 pm
I had no idea. Wonder what Lester is up to now days.
December 5th, 2007 at 2:13 pm
I just looked him up. He’s apparently making DVDs writing books and is a Harvard graduate with a degree in English literature. This is the most respected Rat of all time in my book.
December 5th, 2007 at 3:11 pm
That news made my week. Hail to you rat man, wherever you are.
December 5th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
I found his site. Maybe you can interview him. See how a rat survives in this day and age with only an English degree.
http://markritts.com/
December 5th, 2007 at 5:15 pm
Bill Nye the Science Guy gets lye in the eye. Aye yi yi!
Which was the show with the hot chick lab assistant? Both shows were on when I was in college so I was usually stoned/drunk/hungover/tripping/all of the above while I watching it.
December 5th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
Wow, that was a way better headline than mine. Do you want to write for a humor blog by any chance?
December 5th, 2007 at 5:35 pm
Sorry, I’m too busy editing The New Yorker.
December 5th, 2007 at 5:36 pm
ZING ZANG ZUNG!
December 5th, 2007 at 6:06 pm
Hahahaha, I effing hate bill nye.
This is awesome.
December 5th, 2007 at 7:02 pm
Bill you can do so much better. You don’t need her. I’d forgotten how hilarious this guy was til he showed up on Most Smartest Model. Science IS awesome. Also, he’s a genius. Wiki it.
December 5th, 2007 at 8:36 pm
I am such a geek that at age 39 and holding I still tivo Beakman and Bill Nye shows and make my son watch them with me. I LOVE you Bill.. and always will. Science is so sexy.
December 5th, 2007 at 8:46 pm
News Flash, geezer: You either like Bill OR Beakman. Not both. The edutainment science wars still rage on.
December 5th, 2007 at 8:49 pm
“Nye’s ex dressed up as the black spy from Spy vs. Spy, Nye weeping over his beloved roses, and Tindall the concert oboist loping off through the suburb, bottle of empty poison in her sinister black-gloved hand.”
Cue dramatic opera.
December 5th, 2007 at 9:40 pm
Damn straight. We need to make a Beakman VS Nye website or something. Have people vote. Then rig it so Beakman wins.
December 6th, 2007 at 4:04 am
It’s like my mama always said, you can’t trust a man who wears a bow-tie.
December 6th, 2007 at 4:36 am
bill! bill! bill! bill! bill! bill! bill! bill! bill! bill! bill! bill! bill! bill! bill! bill! bill! bill!
December 6th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
(soothing female voice) Science Rules.
December 6th, 2007 at 11:19 pm
I liked both for completely different reasons.
I loved Beakman cause I laughed hysterically at it.
I loved Bill Nye cause I actually learned things, and I always loved the Science Songs to popular tunes. “Whatta Brain, Whatta Brain, whatta mighty good brain…”
I don’t remember learning any science from Beakman, just laughing at him and Lester and whichever Girl was currently on (Josie was the best imho.).
I always loved on each show how they made fun of each other too.
So I learned from Bill, but Beakman made me laugh. Thanks to both of you, for making my childhood educational and funny.
December 8th, 2007 at 7:56 am
maybe bill was also crazy. maybe she was trying to kill the roses and he thought she was trying to poison the garden. i dunno. i couldnt post my comment on the cbs story so i posted here.
by the way, that comment earlier was funny:
Snidely Whiplash Says:
December 5th, 2007 at 5:15 pm
Bill Nye the Science Guy gets lye in the eye. Aye yi yi!
Which was the show with the hot chick lab assistant? Both shows were on when I was in college so I was usually stoned/drunk/hungover/tripping/all of the above while I watching it.
Michael Swaim Says:
December 5th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
Wow, that was a way better headline than mine. Do you want to write for a humor blog by any chance?
Snidely Whiplash Says:
December 5th, 2007 at 5:35 pm
Sorry, I’m too busy editing The New Yorker.
hahahahha
January 24th, 2008 at 11:09 am
Cat Deeley…
I Googled for something completely different, but found your page…and have to say thanks. nice read….