So apparently everyone’s saying these pics prove that Miley Cyrus aka Hannah Montana aka the underage girl that 500 Cracked reader trolls began masturbating to today, likes to have gay sex.

I have to admit it’s pretty convincing evidence. She’s on the floor; there’s another chick there; they’re sharing candy a la Lady and the Tramp. That’s all the proof I need. I mean, if these photos didn’t prove that Miley Cyrus likes to have hot gay sex in hotels with anonymous girls who are also underage, then why would I be masturbating?

I should point out (to the FBI) that “masturbating” is my word for blogging. (But in case you don’t believe me, you should know that sometimes Michael Swaim comes to my house and downloads things to my computer I know nothing about.)

In truth, I agree with Miley who calls these pictures innocent. After all, if these pictures make you gay, the deep tissue massage I gave Lex Friedman to get the blogging job would make me super gay. And I’m not gay. I masturbate to barely illegal Hannah Montana pictures. (Masturbate = Blog). (Until I chafe).

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Gladstone writes for Cracked and others. Go to Wayne Gladstone Lives in Maine to see all his published stuff, links to his other worthless endeavors, and his full name and state of residence.

It’s all right everyone. You can put down the torches, pitchforks, and Jew-nets; the baby Jesus has been found.

Yes, the Florida Jesus taken from a community center last week has been recovered, thanks to the aid of a GPS device embedded deep within Him.

There are many reasons to celebrate: restored sanctity, the triumph of justice, and the sad irony that the thief was an eighteen year old girl who lived across the street and is now in jail on $3,500 bail for stealing a statue worth $1,200 ($800 for the statue, $400 for the GPS).

Clearly, this harsh, financially burdensome punishment of an innocent prank is, in the acronym of the Chosen, WJWD.

But one thing about this story troubles me, and it’s something I think the Palm Beach Post has overlooked at their own peril. By implanting an electronic device into our Lord and Savior, these people have successfully created the world’s first robotic Jesus.

Crude, yes, but with a little imagination, one can see the horrifying consequences ten, twenty years down the line, when the Jesus-bots finally decide they’ve had enough and start hurling electrified crosses and stigmata-rays.

And to make matters worse, it was a baby Jesus statue. And who’s going to have the stones to gun down a baby? All you have to do is hesitate, and His laser eyes are on you.

Hey kids! Let’s play Headline Mad-Libs!

Becomes:

Becomes:

I don’t really have much more to say about the article itself—near as I can tell, some snot-nosed brats tromped through the mud with a greasy ex-con in a sweltering mascot costume looking for a fat bearded man hired from a street corner that morning. You know, Christmas.

All I want to draw your attention to is this list of schools who participated in the event:

Participating schools included: Ysgol Clocaenog; Ysgol Cyffylliog; St Asaph VP infants School; Ysgol Caer Drewyn, Corwen; Ysgol Llandrillo; Ysgol Maes Hyfryd, Cynwyd; Ysgol Ysbyty Ifan; Ysgol Llangwm and Ysgol Dinmael.

Based on this list (which is my second ever impression of the Welsh people in any sense), I have concluded that Wales is a country populated by Cthulhu Cult members, bent on bringing the Destroyer out of his Eternal Slumber and dooming us all.

Our only hope is a vast army of robot Jesuses to stave off the ancient monstrosity. Now there’s some Holiday entertainment I’d pay to see.

Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes hilarious videos as writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

Well apparently Kate Moss was the most popular celebrity on eBay in 2007, with 30,481 items relating to her sold on the internet auction site.

Wow. that’s an odd stat, but i will accept it as true for two reasons. I got it from Starpulse and they are never wrong, but, more importantly, because I own all 30,481 items. 2007 was a busy year for me. Here’s some of my favorite purchases:

A Kleenex used and discarded by Kate Moss containing mucuus, cocaine, and what’s left of her septum.

An autographed copy of a self-help book entitled “Why Woman Who Aren’t Nearly As Beautiful As Some People Say They Are, But Still Attractive, Date Some Of The Most Hideous Men On The Planet, Specifically, Pete Doherty”

A piece of watercress she nibbled on from 1993-1996

A break-up letter to Johnny Depp reading, in part, “Piss Off you TV loser. You’ll never be a big star like me.”

And, perhaps my favorite, a picture of Kate’s famous Obsession print ad with a special sexy message:

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Gladstone writes for Cracked and others. Go to Wayne Gladstone Lives in Maine to see all his published stuff, links to his other worthless endeavors, and his full name and state of residence.

Awesome Video Of The Day

The Hottie and the Nottie

On a first viewing you might be thinking to yourself, “Dear God - this looks like the worst movie of all time,” or maybe “This is what’s wrong with America,” but you know what? I think The Hottie and the Nottie is going to turn out to be one of the great love stories of our time.

Basic plot: A guy wants to hook up with a “hot” chick (played by world-renowned sex-haver Paris Hilton) but first he needs to find a mate for her “ugly” friend (played by the unbelievably hideous Christine Lakin). Hilarity ensues, I’m sure, but you know what else probably happens? I would bet you guys money that at some point in this movie the guy learns that beauty is only skin deep, decides that the “hot” chick (Paris Hilton) is actually kind of a bitch, and then realizes in the last 30 minutes that he’s fallen hopelessly in love with the “ugly” chick.

I know it sounds completely fucking insane, but I bet that’s what happens in this movie. With unexpected plot twists like those, I think this could easily be the sleeper hit of 2008. You know - because you wouldn’t think that the main character would hook up with an “ugly” chick, but then he does and it’s crazy because you totally figured he’d end up with the “hot” chick.

Oh, and it also has Paris Hilton in it, who everyone has seen have actual, real-life sexual intercourse. That can’t hurt either.

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In a stubborn, lagging acquiescence to the ceaseless tide of technology, the British Royal Family has officially acquired a Youtube channel and begun releasing videos, including the Queen’s annual “Christmas Address.”

Naturally, this transition to a new medium was not without complications, but as you can see from the compiled clips below, the old gal seems to be adapting quite well. Long Blog the Queen!

Well, the 25th has come and gone, and for those of us destined to ascend to Heaven come Rapture, that meant Christmas (Sorry 85% of Cracked readers, but according to this book here, Jews burn).

The details of my own Yuletide celebration are too involved and heroic to relate here, but suffice to say Disney has acquired my likeness rights for the upcoming straight-to-DVD featurette Michael Saves Christmas.

But now that the carols have all been sung, the halls undecked, and our gay apparel stowed tastefully our of sight, only one thing remains to fill our souls with the fading warmth of the Season: our shitty, shitty presents.

Now, because my Mom occasionally reads this blog, and because I actually needed them, I’m going to go ahead and say that I truly appreciated the socks and underwear I received this year (not a joke). But, there’s no arguing that opening a series of small, soft packages filled with cloth can fail to impart that certain thrill that runs through a young man’s body when he gets, say, an N64 for Christmas.

And that got me thinking: there are a number of you out there who read this thing (at least eight, judging from the comments), and I’m betting some of you got presents even shittier than mine.

Well, now’s your chance to share that pain with the world, and probably get zinged appropriately. Consider it a group therapy session, or just a way for me to make myself feel better about the thirteen pairs of dress socks I will now be wearing to all family functions.

Let the whining commence!

Awesome Video Of The Day

The Three Layers of Zwarte Piet

Christmas might be behind us, but I think this video of Zwarte Piet kicking some kid in the face transcends the holiday season.

There are three layers to understanding why this 12 second video is funny. I have some time to kill right now, so I’d be more than happy to walk you through them if you’re interested.

Zwarte Piet (aka Black Pete) is a black slave from Spain who was emancipated by the Dutch Santa Claus (Sinterklaas). Rather than enjoy his freedom alone, he opted instead to accompany Saint Nick on his travels. If Dutch children are good, Zwarte Piet will bring them presents. If they’re bad, he’ll “stuff them in his huge dufflebag and spirit them away to Spain.” That is the first layer.

To continue the grand tradition of Zwarte Piet, the Netherlands have to embrace institutionalized minstrel shows. That’s the second layer in a nutshell.

The third layer is the fact that a kid gets kicked in the face. I’m not sure if that constitutes its own layer of hilarity, but even if it’s just two layers total I’m pretty sure this video is still hilarious. You know - because foreign cultures are weird and it’s funny when kids get kicked in the face.

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Usually we leave the blogging up to the experts (that guy who assumes everyone has an unhealthy obsession with porn, and that other guy who assumes everyone has an unhealthy obsession with Starpulse) but Cracked.com’s Editorial We had to take a moment to share some big news with you (that’s right We get capitalized and you don’t. Start a multi-billion dollar humor operation and then we’ll talk).

CRACKED.com announced today that a full .25% of their website’s traffic comes from web surfers using Apple’s iPhone.

“We couldn’t believe it when we saw the numbers in Google Analytics,” Cracked assistant editor David Wong said. “For every 100 people that visit CRACKED, one-fourth of one of them is iPhoning it up. Probably just the head, one arm and maybe part of the torso. It’s really the only way they can log in, the poor, deformed freaks.”

Editor Jack O’Brien expressed little surprise at the website’s veritable iOnslaught of iTraffic. “The typical Cracked.com user is a man on the make. He needs his comedy in numbered lists because he’s busy closing deals and having sexual intercourse with women,” O’Brien said before putting down the company’s ad pitch script to push an intern’s head into a fart.

Editorial assistant Dan O’Brien predicted that, “In the future when everyone in the world has an iPhone, one fourth of the world will be visiting Cracked every single day,” though, given O’Brien’s history with wildly inaccurate predictions, (flying cars in ‘93, bears that can teach math by ‘97, and a gay, robot president in 2004,), this comment should be taken with a grain of salt.

The Cracked staff expressed tentative plans to ask Apple for “a cut of some of that iPhone loot.” Steve Jobs could not be reached for comment.

Fresh Prince and whitey’s favorite black man, Will Smith, is fuming that comments he made about Adolf Hitler to a Scottish newspaper were taken out of context.

Will made this comment:

“Even Hitler didn’t wake up going, ‘let me do the most evil thing I can do today.’ I think he woke up in the morning and using a twisted, backwards logic, he set out to do what he thought was ‘good.’ “

As a result of these comments some gossip blogs ran stories that Will Smith thinks Hitler is “good.”

Of course, he didn’t say that. And of course, it must be upsetting to hear people say you dig a genocidal monster. But can I just say Will had this coming?

I mean, even online, everyone knows you don’t drop the H-bomb. It’s the lamest, most hackneyed metaphor in every flame war. It’s always misinterpreted, and always unconvincing. Talk about playing with fire.

But maybe that’s just it. Maybe Will likes the controversy. So here are some more suggestions for Will —that while technically not offensive— will lead to huge controversy:

Tell Al Jazeera that Mohammed Ali isn’t that great.

Tell Ebony magazine that he doesn’t not believe that black actors aren’t inferior to white ones.

Tell High Times that he forbids Cherry Garcia in his house.

Tell Cracked readers that Kurt Cobain was a talented songwriter who is wrongly extolled as a genius of the Lennon or Hendrix caliber.

Tell FoxNews anything.

In the wake of The Daily Show and Colbert Report leaving the air, I understand many of you have turned to the CRACKED Blog as your primary source of current, gripping, relevant news. In order to punish that impulse, I present the following reports on what’s been going on with whales lately.

And what have those mammoth maritime mammals been up to? Not getting killed by the Japanese, for one. Defecating in our oceans for two. But let’s go back to the other story for now (For more on the whale poo issue, see my article in December’s National Geographic Magazine entitled “Destination Defecation, Population: Poop”).

Due to international pressures, the Japanese have agreed to forestall the planned killing of fifty endangered Humpback whales, but are going through with the slaughter of over a thousand other, more plentiful whales.

And believe it or not, the whales are NOT for scarfing; no, they have giant squid brains for that. The Japanese research institute backing the voyage claims the whales are “vital to [their] research [on making a whale-human hybrid capable of wading ashore U.S. beaches and devouring surfers and sunners by the maw-ful].”

So who’s the hero here? The International Whale Council, which finally convinced Japan to leave the Humpbacks to their humpbacking. For the sake of our collective joy, I encourage all of you to imagine that the IWC is a governmental body whose members are whales. Other little-known government bodies dedicated to preserving our sea life?

In other whale-related news, recent fossil evidence suggests that the modern whale is not descended from the Hippo, as has been assumed, but rather from Indohyus, an extinct deer-like creature the size of a raccoon:

In other words, whales got faaaaaaat.