Awesome Video Of The Day

Movie Trailer: Teeth

Rather than try to explain this trailer, I’ll let the movie’s website¹ do the talking for me:

High school student Dawn works hard at suppressing her budding sexuality by being the local chastity group’s most active participant… A stranger to her own body, innocent Dawn discovers she has a toothed vagina when she becomes the object of violence.

I’m all for going to see a movie about Vagina Dentata, but the critics are already tearing this film apart. I’m talking, of course, about the vicious panning the trailer has received in the comments on YouTube:

“rofl, ok so she has a evil vagina? rofl nasty, maybe she has herpe’s” - justintfan

“MAH VA JAY JAY IS EATIN MEH!!!!” - Swifted17

I think they’re being needlessly harsh on this flick. Remember when There’s Something About Mary came out and everyone was freaking out about the infamous semen scene? Now there’s a wad in someone’s hair in pretty much every movie that comes out. Teeth could - no, WILL - do for Vagina Dentata was Mary did for money shots. Factor in the current superhero trend that’s going on and, if nothing else, you’ve got an awesome new female villain for pretty much every 2008 summer blockbuster.

¹ Yes, this is a real movie, and yes, it was screened at the Sundance Film Festival.

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The overwhelming response to my recent post regarding the Nigersaurus, “cow of the Mesozoic,” made it painfully clear to me how ill-equipped the average human is to survive a dinosaur attack. There was talk of shooting Japanese gowns with BB-guns, a children’s television show starring a lizard, and other nonsense that would be equally useless should a T-Rex drop in and fuck up your shit.

And because I care so much about my readership, I’ve scoured the net for the answer to the question mankind has been asking itself since the first caveman rubbed two stones together and was instantly devoured by a wandering Tyrannosaur: How the hell do you kill one?!

Below, three scenarios you may not find so unlikely…when they happen to YOU.

Feasible T-Rex Death Scenario 1

You’re minding your own business, tagging a herd of African elephants for an ecological conservation program, when out of nowhere a prize Tyrannosaurus Rex bursts from the herd and makes straight for you. All you have on you is a pocket knife, a mylar bag of tagging equipment, and a Barret M82A3 loaded up with depleted uranium or tungsten-cored rounds.

Your best bet: Cut a small strip of mylar from the bag with the knife, and use it as a makeshift blindfold on the Rex. Tyrannosaurus Rex’s follow their prey by sensing movement, and if they are unable to see you, they will wander off, bored.

More Than Plausible T-Rex Death Scenario 2

You and the family are out enjoying a day at the beach, when out of nowhere a Great White Shark leaps from the waves towards your precocious son Max who has been playing at the shoreline. Just before it swallows the tyke whole, an aquatic T-Rex snaps it out of the air like so much appetizer, then aims for the main course: you.

Your best bet: A Tyrannosaurus skull is as think as a phalanx infantryman’s shield, so you’re not going to be able to tackle this thing head on. As it charges, roll to the side, simultaneously pulling your umbrella out of the sand. Hurl it, javelin-like, at the spot just behind the right shoulder. This will down the Rex instantly.

Almost a Certainty T-Rex Death Scenario 3

The drug deal has gone south. Guillermo opens fire with his AK and bullets are flying everywhere. Oh, did I forget to mention? Guillermo is a fucking T-REX.

Your best bet: One word. Helicopter.

If you fear other types of T-Rex encounter, feel free to post a brief description below. Myself or a member of the community will be happy to let you know how to best protect yourself against nature’s walking abattoir.

Jude Law—who recently stunned audiences everywhere by edging out reigning champion Ewan MacGregor for the coveted title of The World’s Most Precious Man—has learned a thing or two about himself in the year since the fact that he cheated on then-fiancée Sienna Miller with a portly nanny became public.

Specifically, he’s discovered that the best way to learn is through not learning:

There’s no regret. You can’t regret. I mean, I’ve felt regret but I’ve also refused to allow regret to sow a seed and live in me because I don’t believe it. You feel it, it’s like guilt, it’s like jealousy, it’s like all those horrible things and… You’ve just got to snip them and get them out, because they’re no good. Because if you regret, in a way, have you learnt and moved on?

Some would say, my dear Jude, that perhaps you have this exactly backwards, and that it is by actually regretting that you learn and move on. Because otherwise, what you’ve learned is that you’re a cheating bastard, and what you’ve moved on to is a future of more cheating bastardness. Which is fine with me, of course, but I warn you that the nannies will get portlier and the fiancées less trusting as time goes on.

However, I really do think Mr. Law may just have created the next big thing in celebrity apologies:

“Now, ladies and gentlemen, kids, Mom, Dad, Mr. President—the important thing here is that the animals in question are receiving treatment, the Girl Scouts have declined to press charges because none of the witnesses could be located, Mistress Marmalade has graciously agreed to offer refunds for the dildos, and the deposit on the clown suit more than covered the damage to the hot tub—so as far as this unfortunate incident is concerned, I could feel regret, but if I did, how could I really learn and move on?”

Awesome Video Of The Day

Aiko: The Worst Fembot Ever

Le Trung, founder of Project Aiko¹ is eager to prove to the world that his fembot isn’t CG smoke & mirrors. “It’s real,” he says. “You can touch it.”

Designed to do “basic stuff” like give directions to the bathroom, “cancel your going to the movie” and “pain sensations,” Aiko is well-suited to do most of the things your average consumer would look for in a fembot. Most things, that is, with one fairly major exception.

Maybe this makes me a pervert, but I always kind of figured that people who are in the market for a fembot are looking for something to have sex with. That being said, Aiko seems like a bit of an ice princess. If I’m going to have to fight with her to even get to second base, then maybe Aiko isn’t the right fembot for me². Also, that wheelchair gives her a sort of polio vibe that I’m not entirely comfortable with. I’m going to assume she’s still in beta³… and I’m NOT going to make the joke I was going to make about marketing her as a product called “Paraplegic RapeBot 9000.”

That would be tasteless.

¹ From ProjectAiko.com: “If you have any old or new clothes that you don’t need, you can donate to Aiko. She has been wearing the same clothes for months. Height 151cm Bust: 80cm Waist: 57cm Hip: 84cm”

² If I was in the market for a fembot, which I am NOT.

³ Listen for the Windows error ding five seconds into the video to further reinforce this assumption.

⁴ This sure is a lot of footnotes for a blog post about having sex with robots, isn’t it?

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It’s nice to see Heroes has finally gotten its teeth back. These last three episodes have booted the first six right in their collective crotch. Although one might suspect that the impending writers strike caused the show’s creators to accelerate the pacing for the abbreviated season, I don’t think that’s what’s happened here. As I understand it, only one episode was retooled to be a potential season finale, and that’s still to come. So this abrupt change from tedious death march to fast paced roller coaster of intrigue was planned from the very start of the season. It’s almost like the writers forgot everything they knew about pacing. One can only guess what the rest of this season would look like if it wasn’t interrupted. Eight episodes of Maya & Alejandro in a hot air balloon anyone?

One thing I really enjoyed about this particular episode was its limited scope. Only three subplots were present this time, with one of them taking up the vast majority of the screen time. This felt like a much better arrangement than past episodes this season, where five or more separate subplots got juggled back and forth, none getting more than a few minutes of screen time. I’d even tolerate the Wondertwins for half an hour, if by the end of it they finally did something.

More things we learned: (after the jump)

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Dear Mr. Gervais,

I understand you turned down a chance to work in Woody Allen’s next movie, saying “Woody Allen isn’t Woody Allen anymore.”

Hey, you’ll get no argument here. Woody Allen hasn’t had a good movie since 1994 — a great one since 1985. On the other hand, shut the fuck up. This is still Woody Allen. Y’know, Bananas, Take The Money And Run, Sleeper, Annie Hall, Manhattan, Purple Rose of Cairo. Does he really have to do another thing?

And I’m sorry, am I missing something? Aren’t you the same guy who agreed to appear in Night at the Museum? Based on that, should some up and coming comic ignore the genius and hilarity of your work on The Office and Extras? Oh, yes, Ricky just isn’t Ricky anymore.

There’s no doubt that something has gone very wrong with Mr. Allen. And there’s no reason you should suffer through his latest Brit-fetish script, but, come on, you’re English. How about a little tight-lipped discretion? Unless you were making a joke? Y’know, one of those cringe-comedy things you excel at? Because, you’re right, it is almost laughably uncomfortable that a guy who’s generated two excellent sitcoms would feel the need to shit on a 70-year-old comedy legend who’s written books, plays, stand-up, and five of the greatest movie comedies in the history of cinema.

Good one, Ricky. You still got it.

Awesome Video Of The Day

A Classic Middle Eastern Practical Joke

One time I drew a boner on my friend’s car with a bar of soap. That was probably the craziest prank I’ve ever pulled. Oh, and one time at a sleepover we put a kid’s hand in warm water, but he didn’t even pee his pants or anything, so we poured the water in his ear and punched him in the stomach. I thought we were pretty wild, but that was before I learned about the ol’ “bringing a full-grown lion to your friend’s party” gag.

This video serves as definitive proof that people in the Middle East are hard as nails. Sure, they might be running away in sheer terror, but cut them some slack - IT’S A LION. If anyone has President Bush’s email address, please forward this video to him. Maybe if he sees what passes for practical jokes over there he’ll reconsider this whole “War On Terror” thing.

Stay tuned for the hilarious retaliation video where they hold the guy who brought the lion down and put a live cobra down his robe.

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As a child of Jurassic Park, I still get a rush of adrenaline when one of my pals from the San Diego Junior Archaeological Society calls me on the phone I had installed just for the purpose (it’s shaped like a Dimetrodon) to tell me about a new species.

Imagine my disappointment, then, when I was informed by a decidedly glum Tommy Franklin (Junior Dino-Cadet, Pteranodon Unit) that scientists have just discovered a dinosaur dubbed “the cow of the Mesozoic era.” I was so upset I dropped and shattered the commemorative Dr. Hammond glass I’d been holding.

A cow?! Dinosaurs are meant to strike awe and fear into the hearts of man, not remind them to pick up some brisket on the way home. Lest you think I’m overreacting, here’s a side-by-side comparison of the Nigersaurus and some other, more deserving animals granted the title “Dinosaur.”

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According to a recent survey, 76% of Cracked readers believe that the Earth is about a hundred years old and was created by Superman, our nearest planetary neighbors are Vulcan and Endor, the Moon is in Uranus (get it?!), and Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes is better than the original (”because of the ’splosions and boobs”).

In order to rectify this shocking state of misinformation, I hereby inaugurate a new feature which will provide for both the edutainment and infocation of you, the readers, and prepare you for exciting careers in the scientific field (as janitors): Cracked Science Corner!!!!11!! So let’s begin by examining three big sciencey stories in today’s news.

First up is the revelation that a previously unremarkable comet in our solar system has apparently OD’d on Comet Growth Hormone and is now bigger than the sun:

A comet that has delighted backyard astronomers in recent weeks after an unexpected eruption has now grown larger than the sun. … “It continues to expand and is now the largest single object in the solar system,” according to astronomers at the University of Hawaii.

It’s natural at this point to ask, “Should I be freaking the fuck out?” Well, you came to the right place, my friend, because I am the one person who will give you the answer straight up: Absolutely God damn right you should be freaking out. It’s bigger than the damn sun, for crying out loud! I would advise you to a) immediately begin giving away your most prized possessions—such as your complete unopened set of first-series Transformers cards and collection of bizarre Japanese porn—preferably to me, b) frantically try to carry out your most outrageous sexual fantasy, no matter how illegal, immoral, or unsanitary, and c) tell your mother you love her, even if you don’t really mean it because she never bought you those Crunchberries you wanted so very badly. As a matter of fact, tell her to stuff it.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

WOAHHHH!

I pitched the executives at Animal Planet recently about a new reality show called “Raw Jersey.” It would follow the travels of five gentlemen down the New Jersey shoreline in search of the finest girls, the most bumpin’ clubs and the strongest hair gel that money can buy. It was gonna have it all: sex, drugs (rohypnol & steroids), partying… inexplicably, they turned it down. And they wonder why their ratings are in the shitter, right?

After that I tweaked the pitch for the Discovery Channel and changed the name to “DNA Files: Jersey Uncovered.” I billed it as an edutainment program about how even though we’re all different people, we all share the same DNA. It’s amazing enough that chimps and humans share 99% of the same DNA, so I thought it would be even more striking that we, as normal human beings, share a whopping 100% of our DNA with these guys. Bafflingly enough, Discovery wasn’t interested either.

Needless to say, VH1 wasn’t too keen on “Behind The Douchebags.” I guess I’m not cut out to work in television.

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