A Golden Opportunity For Your Penis… If It’s Good At Rationalizations
What If I told you that one of the sexiest women in the history of film was looking for a young male escort? That she was willing to pay you just to be her date. And what if I showed you her photo?
Man, that’s a sexy lady. A come hither stare. Smoldering sensuality. Classy, yet seemingly not adverse to some sado-masochistic ass play. Sounds great you say, but something is troubling. This diva looks familiar. Is that… could that be… Good Lord, it’s Lauren Bacall:
So forget about the first photo because it’s the 2007 Lauren Bacall who’s in the market for a male escort.
But does that have to be a dealbreaker? I mean, you could still tell all your friends you bedded down with a movie star. You could have something in common with Humphrey Bogart. And, hey, you’d still be getting paid for sex, and that’s something, right?
Well, maybe you wouldn’t have to have sex. Maybe you could watch her feed her 600 cats or listen to stories about blowing Louis B. Mayer. Oh, I don’t know.
I do know that aging is incredibly depressing because Lauren Bacall was stunningly beautiful. And now even though she’s in her 80’s, she’s probably aged as well as is humanly possible without having your skin all pulled and Botoxed. And still, she has to pay men to keep her company. That’s a drag.
So if any of you strapping young Cracked readers are up for the job, why not leave your testimonials in the comments below? Maybe you can make a love connection. What do you have to offer Ms. Bacall? Please specify your favorite 40’s movies, likes, dislikes, and penis size.
November 30th, 2007 at 4:59 pm
Cut her some slack, she’s like, a hundred years old. Plus, every time you ate her out, you’d be tasting the unfiltered Pall Malls that Bogie smoked. Give me a TARDIS to go back to 1943 and I’d go for it. But then Bogie would kill you.
November 30th, 2007 at 6:45 pm
I actually did feel bad about this post and cleaned it up a bit. I actually think this is more offensive than the Alfred E. Neuman joke. Whereas that made a joke about a nonoffensive thing (bad sketch) that was ASSOCIATED with a horrible, horrible news story, this post started out just kind of sticking it to Bacall for being old. Now it’s a semi-moronic, pseudo-insightful reflection on the harsh realities of aging. At least I didn’t get any facts wrong.
November 30th, 2007 at 7:32 pm
You know how to apologize, don’t you, Gladstone? You just put your lips together and blow… me.
November 30th, 2007 at 8:30 pm
He’s gotta do it with his lips together? Wow, I didn’t know “needle dick” was an actual condition.
November 30th, 2007 at 9:15 pm
Lauren B., that was pretty damn clever.
November 30th, 2007 at 10:30 pm
Knock knock?
Who’s there?
I would fuck a legendary, albeit old actress.
I would fuck a legendary, albeit old actress who?
I would fuck a legendary, albeit old actress…HARD.
November 30th, 2007 at 10:50 pm
Homsar FTW.
December 1st, 2007 at 3:13 pm
“Hmmm… Lauren? Are you wearing sandpaper lingerie?”
“Honey, I’m not wearing ANYTHING.”
Ewwwwwwww….
Can we swap Lauren Bacall with Raquel Welch? I know she’s not 80, only 67, but I would still pick her up from the assisted living home, take her to a nice early-bird dinner at the cafetorium and then cuddle up in front of ‘Matlock’ reruns under a hand-knitted afghan…
Oh, and then I’d show her who the REAL ‘Kansas City Bomber’ is!
December 1st, 2007 at 3:28 pm
I’m sorry Vitajex, much like the cafeteria where you intend to take Racquel, there are no substitutions.
December 2nd, 2007 at 4:11 pm
WAIT, SO YOU’RE SAYING SHE SHOULD HAVE PAID ME?!!!
Damnit.
December 2nd, 2007 at 7:25 pm
Huh, I thought she was dead. Then again, if I don’t hear about a celebrity on the news for more then six months, I assume they’re dead and move on.
December 2nd, 2007 at 7:26 pm
Also, twelve inches.
December 2nd, 2007 at 8:38 pm
Of course I’d let her do me with a strap-on; I mean I wouldn’t even be looking at her anyway. That WAS what we were talking about…right? Right? Oops. Really, though; if we could cut all the lights out except for one illuminating the FIRST poster of her so I could stare at it while in the saddle, I’d tag it. The question is, could she handle all five inches or would I have to wear earplugs to avoid the screaming? Really though (one more time); of course I’d do it. She’s freakin’ Lauren Bacall.
December 2nd, 2007 at 8:46 pm
Jonathan! Self-effacing humor in a comment! Wow. We can’t get enough of that here at the Cracked blog. Well done.
December 2nd, 2007 at 10:10 pm
Thank you, thank you. It just so happens I don’t happen to have a job, either (hint, hint). College doesn’t count; I’ve been going there since the 1st Bush was president (and I don’t mean Reagan’s last years when Nancy was in charge).
December 3rd, 2007 at 2:34 am
How sexy she is! i just heard someone said on Yahoo group that if u wanna have such a woman, u can register to become a member of an online site sugarmommymeet.. you know the site is a rich women seeking fun site. Sugar mommy and sugar baby… if it is true!
December 3rd, 2007 at 7:04 am
Eddie. Spam is not an ESL endeavor.
May 21st, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Looking good comes and goes. You’re young, you can look good. Beauty is both in the eye of the beholder and comes from within. Sorry for the sorry words here, but I’d be happy and lucky to spend time with Miss Bacall.