As a child of Jurassic Park, I still get a rush of adrenaline when one of my pals from the San Diego Junior Archaeological Society calls me on the phone I had installed just for the purpose (it’s shaped like a Dimetrodon) to tell me about a new species.
Imagine my disappointment, then, when I was informed by a decidedly glum Tommy Franklin (Junior Dino-Cadet, Pteranodon Unit) that scientists have just discovered a dinosaur dubbed “the cow of the Mesozoic era.” I was so upset I dropped and shattered the commemorative Dr. Hammond glass I’d been holding.
A cow?! Dinosaurs are meant to strike awe and fear into the hearts of man, not remind them to pick up some brisket on the way home. Lest you think I’m overreacting, here’s a side-by-side comparison of the Nigersaurus and some other, more deserving animals granted the title “Dinosaur.”
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Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
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September 28th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
NIGGERSAURUS
August 4th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Velociraptors you could take down with a shotgun. Like, ACTUAL Velociraptors. Not the JP ones. 12 gage probably would be the best. They’re easy. Unless of course they get lightsabers. Then we’re fucked.
T-Rex… RPGs. Blow big chunks out of the bastards. Doesn’t matter if there’s 4-5 dinosaurs, because as long as you have 2 or more RPG launchers, you can take them all…. Again, unless they get lightsabers.
July 6th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
well guy lets stop looking at the dinosaurs as if they were movie monsters. for one t-rex can see you when your not mving. also climb into a log. the t-rex’s servival instincts will kick in and it will probly leave you alone to avoid injury to its self sence your only a small snack to it. the exspection to this rule would be if you were near is nest. its theroized they were worse than bears when it came to protecting their young. next the rptor would follow you no matter where you hid and like the t-rex could out run you hith ease. also you are a small meal to a raptor so it would want you. next fire arms vs dinosaurs. raptor skin was like cow hide but their hollow bones and small frame would make it easy to kill wih modren day mid to high calibier weaponrey. for raptors i would recamend any rifle calibier .308 or greater in size. for hand guns a magnum higher than .357 or a .45 ACP. personly though if i were fighting raptors id be using a M14 chamberd in .308 and the smith and wession .500 magnum revolver. now a ginst a t-rex you might as well poke it with a stick if you plan on using somthing lower than a .50, and dont even bothe with a pistol. its skull wuold be about X15 times harder than that of the cape bufflo. if you hunt large game in you know those guys are tough as nails. for a t-rex i would recamendsetting up a tower 80ft above the ground and using a BOYS anti .55 calibier anti tank rifle from WW1 or an RPG/TOW misslie system. also dont count on a t-rex being alone. packs of them have been found together consisting of up to 4 or 5 of the dinosaurs. being about a hundred times more dangrous than any creature on earth today i would stay away from them if they were ever reserecurted.
May 10th, 2008 at 11:04 am
Womens Plus Size Clothes…
I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you….
March 10th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
I’d prefer reading in my native language, because my knowledge of your languange is no so well. But it was interesting! Look for some my links:
December 12th, 2007 at 4:54 am
phTheDude: The debate as to whether T-Rex was a hunter or scavenger is as yet unresolved. Fingers crossed, my friend.
Bluesheep: It was actually stegosaurus that had a walnut-sized brain. T-Rex’s brain was bigger than ours (still pretty small for it’s body size, but Rex wasn’t no dumbass).
By the way, velociraptors may be tiny, but their relatives Deinonychus cut a stature closer to those badass motherfuckers in JP. And then of course, there was Utahraptor: eye level with Yao Ming, 23 ft long, with claws on their feet longer than your hand. And don’t forget, they hunt in packs.
December 9th, 2007 at 8:21 am
Fucking anakin killing all the goddamn jedi… now we have no hope.
November 26th, 2007 at 8:12 pm
Sorry for the double post.
November 26th, 2007 at 8:11 pm
What if the velociraptors had lightsabers? THEN WHAT WOULD WE FUCKING DO ?
November 26th, 2007 at 8:09 pm
What if dinosaurs had lightsabers? Then what would we fucking do?
November 26th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
Didn’t it come out a couple of years ago that the T-Rex was actually a carrion eater? Like a vulture?
Which is… kinda lame really.
Re: Pete:
The size of Turkeys? Also kind of lame. I agree with you however, an 8 foot scorpion is totally badass.
November 24th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
If Tyrannosaurus skin was bulletproof, it would have been fossilized.
November 24th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
That whole acid-spitting Dilophosaurus thing is a really bad myth propogated by Jurassic Park. While larger than they appear in that movie, they were pretty small, and in no way spit acid.
Also, they were part of the Triassic period, not Jurassic.
Fucking Steven Speilberg…
November 24th, 2007 at 6:51 am
Um, Jurassic Park was scientifically speaking, a bigger mound of dino crap than the one Laura Dern sitcks her arm in up to the shoulder.
Velociraptors were fierce hunters, they were also the size of turkeys.
Imagine being attacked by a flock of turkeys, even though Turkeys can be quite fierce at times and have clawed feet, strong wings and sharp beaks, you’re still more likely to die laughing after having kicked a few birds in the spleen.
Far more fun is the fossil of the 8 foot fucking SCORPION they recently dug up.
November 21st, 2007 at 2:17 pm
Personally, the idea of velociraptors with feathers is not less terrifying, its MUCH MUCH more terrifying. Imagine walking in the park and having a flock of velociraptors swoop out of the sky at you and carry you off someplace to be eaten. Slowly. Fuck. That.
November 20th, 2007 at 10:28 pm
Yeah, Karl, but if a person got shot with a bunch of bb’s he’d be like “Owww! Motherfucker! This Sucks!” And contemplating saying “Fuck This!” What with our expanded cranial capacity and all. But a T-Rex would probably be all reptilian about it and shit, which would make him even MORE dangerous.
November 20th, 2007 at 2:23 pm
Plus why wouldn’t the T-Rex just knock down the watchtower you were in? He’s not just gonna kick it while you fire into him with a machine gun. I think people are underestimating the Dilophosaurus. The fucker has range and having acid eat through your face HURTS. The thing probably pees on you while you’re laying on the ground contemplating the face-melting you’ve just received.
November 20th, 2007 at 3:28 am
I remember watching some show about grizzly bears where a hunter said you need a very large-caliber rifle to kill a grizzly, and even then you have to hit it right or it might not go down. A big grizzly weighs 1000 lbs, while a tyrannosaurus weighed 15,000 lbs (looked it up). It seems like even if you really unloaded on a t-rex with a machine gun, and even if the bullets did pierce the skin, it would just be too massive for the bullets to have an effect. I doubt you could hit anything vital with all that muscle and whatnot in the way. Like if a person got shot with a bunch of bb’s. We need to get the scientists working on an answer to this!
November 20th, 2007 at 3:25 am
I cant beleve i’m doing this…
id say what makes you think a t rex would bother with you you? it would be like you chasing all over the jungle, busting down a musame and getting pin cushined for a twinkie. i say that unless your weight is in tons you’r probibaly below his radar. as far as the gun killing him, you may not be able to get out enough actual damage before he got you. a heavy winter coat will stop a 9mil witch is why the cops in maine carry compact .357’s, witch will bounce off a moose’s skull. no, i think you want something in the anti tank range. even if you do kill it with a heavy machein gun it may not really notice until its two late. not mutch inthe way of a cetral nervious system (remember: walnut) and i’d think t rex was on the busness end of that fight or flight stuff.
now the raptors. if they came after you, youd react. you’d be afraid and you’d run. any one would. cats like to play with their food. im think’en you’d have a similar problem as the croc conundem, you know, its not the one you see that kills you. i bet it would be over before you really had a chance to react.
November 20th, 2007 at 1:38 am
I’ve determined that the methane farts of these ancient dinosaur cows caused global warming which killed all the dinosaurs. It also made polar bears swim sometimes. Fucking cow dinosaurs. When will they learn?
November 19th, 2007 at 11:41 pm
Sam Neil would know the answers to these questions; I wonder why he hasn’t responded yet. Don’t tell me he doesn’t read Cracked. Besides, I’ve been dying to ask him how Laura Dern was in the sack. And what about scary sea-dinosaurs like Ichthyosaurus or Plesiosaurus? At lest on land you can run or hide; if you’re in the water with one of them you’re fucked.
November 19th, 2007 at 10:15 pm
Also, the latest paleontology theory is that velociraptor had feathers. This definitely wreckts its coolness factor quite a bit.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Velociraptors
November 19th, 2007 at 9:59 pm
Well… someone has the be the cow of the dinosaur world, right?
November 19th, 2007 at 9:47 pm
And the T-Rex will chomp up three raptors. Sure, raptors will tear you to shreds…if you are stupid enough to go into their territory.
Where you gonna hide thats safe from a T-Rex?
November 19th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
Sure the T-Rex strikes fear in your heart, and will most certainly annihillate you if you run into the bathroom, but what you all seem to forget is that velociraptors can OPEN FUCKING DOORS. KITCHEN DOORS!!!!
November 19th, 2007 at 6:58 pm
yeah, and it had one of dose uhm fanny packs cuz it kept its change inn there and uhm
whent to the cafateria and opened the fanny pack but uhm paid with a food stamp and then uh the kids would be like… food stamps? where did you get them. nobody pays lunch
with foodstamps common
November 19th, 2007 at 6:41 pm
I love you, Michael Swaim. I’m at my office playing around on the internet and look what I happen to come upon! For those of you who don’t know Michael, he is a genius. And a damn fine actor, writer and director. He’s my favorite Trigorin I have ever had the pleasure of mounting.
I did a report on the dimetrodon in the first grade. The report itself was shaped like a demetrodon. Awesome!
November 19th, 2007 at 4:23 pm
Maybe it was one of the uncool dinos. The type that other dinos made fun of. Had to wear glasses at an eary age. Plus braces and the uber cool head gear at night. A Dork dino.
November 19th, 2007 at 2:51 pm
Japanese-robe wearing lizard… give him a sword and you got a kid’s cartoon show.
November 19th, 2007 at 2:09 pm
Thanks, actually i appreciate it.
Ahem.
You could always practice with a Komodo dragon and a BB gun.
Although some sort of Japanese-robe wearing lizard does sound quite cool
November 19th, 2007 at 2:00 pm
Damn it… gotta correct myself on this one… can’t correct someone and not be correct myself… *Komodo
November 19th, 2007 at 1:56 pm
At the risk of sounding like an asshole, it’s “Kimodo” dragon. Kimono is certain type of clothing.
November 19th, 2007 at 1:41 pm
Oh, and let’s not forget… a T-rex can’t see you if you don’t move.
November 19th, 2007 at 1:39 pm
I think bullets would pierce it. It would be like shooting through leather. I’m pretty sure dino skin isn’t as tough as kevlar. Maybe you piece of crap revolver or something couldn’t get passed the fatty layer, but today’s high powered rifles would easily get through. So, if you shot it enough in the chest that would probably work. If you wanna go for a head shot, I’d use an armor piercing bullet to be sure to get through the skull.
November 19th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
Velocirators vs. Predators vs. Robocops - in space.
November 19th, 2007 at 1:26 pm
What do they use to kill Elephants? Surely that’d work against a T-Rex as well?
But the ‘raptors would be pretty fucking formidable. They’re like the “Aliens” of the dinosaur world, but without the acid blood.
There’s Hollywood’s next crossover film right there - Jurrasic Park vs. Aliens.
November 19th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
You could always practice with a BB gun and a Kimono Dragon.
November 19th, 2007 at 11:35 am
Wait. Is that true? Can someone who knows please verify that a T-Rex’s skin can withstand bullets? Because if so I need to wet myself.
November 19th, 2007 at 11:12 am
yeah, but how tough was the t-rex’s skin? Would a machine gun even pierce it? Would you need like a grenade launcher and wait til it opens its mouth? By the way, I love the description of what the T-Rex’s name means. These days you couldn’t name a dinosaur “Tyrant Lizard King” without the PC police reminding you that there were probably female T-Rex’s too. At which point you really wished you had a pet t-rex for the sole purpose of eating the PC police.
November 19th, 2007 at 11:05 am
If you were in some sort of watchtower I think you could probably kill a T Rex with a machine gun. They weren’t ROBOTS or something. It would just take a lot of bullets, that’s all.
You could also set up a tripwire and cross your fingers - if a T Rex fell down it would probably have a hard time getting back up - have you seen those stupid little arms they had?
November 19th, 2007 at 10:58 am
These are EXACTLY the kinds of comments I was hoping for. Thanks, guys. And since this is the internet I’ll clarify: that’s not sarcastic.
November 19th, 2007 at 10:57 am
That’s true, but say you have a machine gun? Then I fancy my chances against a couple of raptors. All a machine gun’s gonna do to a T Rex is piss it off. Unless you manage to shoot its eyes or something, but that’s gotta be pretty tough at the best of times, near impossible when he’s bellowing a mighty roar right at your face.
November 19th, 2007 at 9:00 am
I think velociraptors are scarier than the T-rex. Like a t-rex would just kill you in one bite, a raptor disembowels you first and then continues to devour you alive. And, you know when the t-rex is coming. The velociraptor sets a freakin’ trap for you and then ambushes you.