Jersey Bros, Phantom Time and Yet Another Open Call For Letters: The Friday Nooner (EST)!
Awesome Video Of The Day
WOAHHHH!
I pitched the executives at Animal Planet recently about a new reality show called “Raw Jersey.” It would follow the travels of five gentlemen down the New Jersey shoreline in search of the finest girls, the most bumpin’ clubs and the strongest hair gel that money can buy. It was gonna have it all: sex, drugs (rohypnol & steroids), partying… inexplicably, they turned it down. And they wonder why their ratings are in the shitter, right?
After that I tweaked the pitch for the Discovery Channel and changed the name to “DNA Files: Jersey Uncovered.” I billed it as an edutainment program about how even though we’re all different people, we all share the same DNA. It’s amazing enough that chimps and humans share 99% of the same DNA, so I thought it would be even more striking that we, as normal human beings, share a whopping 100% of our DNA with these guys. Bafflingly enough, Discovery wasn’t interested either.
Needless to say, VH1 wasn’t too keen on “Behind The Douchebags.” I guess I’m not cut out to work in television.
The Best Conspiracy Theories Ever
Awesome Conspiracy #1: The Phantom Time Hypothesis
Nuts And Bolts: The Early Middle Ages (614-911 AD) never happened. It is currently the year 1710.
Evidence: Perhaps unsurprisingly, not a whole lot. Heribert Illig (who initially proposed the theory) claims that there isn’t adequate archaeological evidence from that period to prove that it happened. He points to a vast conspiracy perpetrated by Otto III (a Holy Roman Emperor) and Pope Sylvester II, and says that a discrepancy in the Gregorian calendar (implemented in 1582 AD) helps to seal the deal.
Plausability: Pretty high, if not for the fact that years typically occur directly after the year they precede. Meaning that 614 AD happened right after 613 AD, and 615 after 614, and so on, right on through to today. Illig’s hypothesis has actually been refuted by pretty much everyone who has ever heard it on countless grounds: archaeological records, literary sources, counting tree rings and astronomical calculations to name a few. That’s not even to mention the fact that Illig never gave any sort of credible motive to account for this 1400-year-old conspiracy, meaning they would have done it, what? Just for shits and giggles? The whole thing makes my brain hurt, honestly. It’s Friday - who needs some shit like this to kick off their weekend?
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November 16th, 2007 at 12:42 pm
The only thing that would have made that video better is to see them sideswiped by an 18-wheeler so that’d I’d have the piece of mind that people like that wouldn’t be able to make more people like that.
As far as phantom time theories go though a few hundred years is pretty weak. DISCLAIMER: I’m not trying to start a religious debate or anything I’m simply stating this as a fact about what this group of people believe because this does make them the proprieters of the most massive phantom time thoery conspiracy. I already said my 2 cents about religion in the Banana/god’s existence/athiest’s nightmare blog. That being said…..
Early creationist christians believe that the world was created in 4004 BC so their phantom time theory is losing BILLIONS of years of time.
November 16th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Did you know that bananas believe that Banana God made them in His own image? It’s a fact.
November 16th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
The same disclaimer as noted above applies to this: also noteworthy to add is the early creationists’ belief that any evidence of evolution, etc is a conspiracy by the devil himself. So, we have here the ultimate conspiracy: a conspiracy that is being hidden via a conspiracy being run by Satan. Probability: definite. You may not know it, but not agreeing with the early creationists means you are in fact the devil himself as well. So, don’t listen to me because telling you this, in fact, means I am Satan himself.
November 16th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
Also, Jersey bros are stupid.
November 16th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
Sorry Ross. Point taken. The conspiracy section was just better fodder for talking about. There’s not much more about the Jersey Brother’s you can say other than they’re stupid. I thought my remark about basically wishing they would die so they couldn’t procreate was enough to iterate that point. But, the conspiracy to hide a conspiracy that is ulitmate phantom time theory would be fun and relative to the post. The fact it does have a religious basis is coinscidental.
But, yes, the Jersey bros are stupid and I hope and don’t care if they die because:
1.) though they do not directly affect me, they could create more that could potentially affect me and my plans to take over the world via deadly tesla coils or creating and becoming the head of my own religion
2.) they are not part of my monkeysphere, and, to paraphrase Ron White, I’m 3rd generation don’t give a fuck about them
November 16th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
the best part about this video is at the end when you see that they are driving a hyundai.
November 16th, 2007 at 2:14 pm
As a native Jerseyan, I feel it’s my right to defend our motherfuckin’ state, bro, because you don’t even know, so don’t even pretend you do.
Honestly, we’re not all as dumb as you thi- Oh fuck, I just stabbed myself in the eye with a hot dog. Can someone call my family?
November 16th, 2007 at 4:43 pm
As Van Wilder himself once said, “There definitely wasn’t a middle ages… Why? Just ‘Cuz!”
November 17th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
‘The Early Middle Ages (614-911 AD) never happened. It is currently the year 1710.’
That would explain Amish Country.
SUUUWISHH!
November 17th, 2007 at 11:56 pm
As someone who was born and bred in NJ, I can tell you 99% of those “Jersey Guys” that act that way are indeed transplanted New Yorkers. Dear Lord they are obnoxious and clog up our damn state. And brain surgeons they are not-lets pay $8 in tolls and waste who knows how much in gas and come to NJ to save $3 on sales tax.