by Michael Swaim
Jones Soda has always offered some odd flavors. I’m a fan of Sweet Potato, and a rabid opponent (based on principle, not flavor) of Antacid. They’ve continually expanded the boundaries of chemically induced flavor approximations, becoming second only to Jelly Bellys in their ability to fool my tongue into thinking I’m tasting a food that I most certainly am not.
But with their new Christmas and Hanukkah packs, they’ve finally gone too far. It’s as if the guys who choose their flavors decided to intentionally spit in the eye of God with flavors so inherently unnatural, I wouldn’t be surprised if drinking them caused an instant interest in stem cell research.
The heretical Christmas-themed flavors are as follows:
Sugar Plum. Jackpot. Straight out of my Christmas dreams. Jones, you’ve done it again.
Egg Nog. Okay, not usually a soda, but still a beverage. I’m intrigued.
Ham. Salty, savory, not really what I want washing down a candy cane, but you did pull off Turkey and Gravy, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.
Christmas Tree. What? What?! First of all, there’s only one way I’ll ever know if it’s accurate, and I’m not really into mouthfuls of green spines. Secondly, it’s either going to taste like liquid mint toothpaste or wood, and neither are striking me as appetizing at the moment. If I were given a Christmas Tree-flavored soda for Christmas, I’m fairly certain I would put the glass bottle to good use, smashing it on a handy table and gouging the heart out of whoever tried to insult me with such an affront.
And the Hanukkah pack doesn’t show any more promise:
Chocolate Coins. Well, chocolate really, right? Because I’m hoping there aren’t bits of foil floating in it. And as we all know from Japanese import sodas, chocolate can be done, but usually not as well as you’d hope.
Jelly Donut. Hey, if you can pull this off, I’m there. Not sure what it’s got to do with Hannukah, but then again I’m not Jewish so maybe there’s a part of the Seder where they squeeze out the contents of jelly donuts to represent the Exodus.
Apple Sauce. Uh-oh. I think I see where you’re going here. Please, don’t.
Latkes. That’s what I was afraid of. And you just know kids are going to mix the Latke and Apple Sauce sodas together. Jones, you’re tempting a generation of kids into traumatizing taste experiences. If you hate us so much, why not just release Poison and be done with it?
It’s brilliant marketing really. No one can resist trying a disgusting food at least once, and that’s all they need to make their filthy lucre. Hell, I’m talking shit about them right now, but you can bet your ass I’ll be trying each and every one of them, if only to spit them out and yell “Jesus, it’s exactly as terrible as I imagined it would be.”
In that spirit, and in the hopes of receiving some sort of royalty check down the line, may I suggest the following sets of equally terrible Holiday-themed flavors?
Halloween: Black Licorice, Candy Corn, Milk Duds, Handful of Pennies
Valentine’s Day: Chalk Hearts, Construction Paper, Whitman Sampler, Obligatory Sex
Easter: Grass, Eggs, Pastel, Christ’s Resurrection
Flag Day: Stars, Stripes, Spangles, Brass Pole
Kwaanza: Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
This entry was posted
on Monday, November 12th, 2007 at 8:00 am and is filed under Christmas, Hanukkah, Jones Soda.
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
November 12th, 2007 at 9:40 am
I have been curious what the good doctor tastes like for quite some time now. And no, I don’t mean I want to blow him.
November 12th, 2007 at 10:25 am
That’s like those Yankee candles that smell like “The Festival of Lights”. I do not know what the fuck Hannukah smells like, but apparently…lights have a smell. And the Yankee candle company has bottled it.
November 12th, 2007 at 11:24 am
donuts are friend in oil.
oil, menorah, miracle…
November 12th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
I have 5/6ths of a six-pack of Candy Corn soda sitting in my fridge from two Halloweens ago. The color is somewhere between urine and antifreeze, but I’m saving it for the earthquake, just in case.
November 12th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
Jones already did candy corn for Halloween. Not only did the flavor prove the haters right (this coming from a candy corn fan), but I spilled a little and my hand was stained yellow for a week. That just ain’t natural.
November 12th, 2007 at 1:57 pm
Was turkey and gravy really good? I’m intrigued to say the least.
November 12th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
I thought the Antacid soda thing was a joke. Not so, unfortunately.
As for the turkey and gravy soda, according to that link, it “smelled like liquid dog food.” Sounds great.
November 12th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
I drink like 2-3 cans of soda a day (it’s my coffee), and if I ever drank some of those, I think I’d puke my stomach out. No, not the contents of my stomach. I mean literally my stomach would be so offended that I tried to put something like that into it that it would burst out like the alien and run away. It would then decide to hunt down the makers of the soda and spit stomach acid on them. Yada Yada Yada.
November 12th, 2007 at 9:41 pm
These flavors are just not exotic enough for me. I wish Jones could fit my needs. Im not saying that Dr. Martin Luther King wasn’t good, tasted a bit like the Dr. Pepper with a hint of buckshot, but that concentrated civil rights leader was not on par with my needs. When I say exotic, I mean exotic. What I need is anaconda flavored soda, and no not anaconda in the sir-mix-a-lot sense of the word but in the Jennifer Lopez menacing way.
Also I would like concentrated President Theodore Roosevelt, because I’ve got a feeling Teddy soda would be thick, musty, and mustachioed.
Now if you’ll excuse me I need to plan for total domination of the Jones Factory. Also I need to plan how to get out of my parents basement.
November 12th, 2007 at 10:43 pm
Catholic Holidays Sampler Pack: communion wafer, Juicy Juice (the grape kind), inherited sense of shame
November 12th, 2007 at 10:44 pm
I’m hoping the liquid dogfood description wasn’t found on Jones’ own website, but I wouldn’t be surprised. They really push the morbid curiosity factor.
November 12th, 2007 at 10:59 pm
They should get some sort of tie-in with various wide-release movies. You know, Willy Wonka : Everlasting Gobstoppers, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape : self-titled, Super Troopers : marijuana, anything by Eli Roth : cornea fluids
November 13th, 2007 at 1:02 am
The Kwaanza suggestion was the best. laughed pretty hard.
January 19th, 2008 at 9:58 am
pick up women…
how to pick up women the right way…