They Grow Up So Fast.
As a CRACKED blogger, it is sometimes my unsavory duty to bring you news that will no doubt leave most of you in tears, and the rest in a suicidal frenzy. Shia LaBeouf, star of Transformers, I, Robot, and my dreams, was arrested this week, shattering the hearts of millions of mothers everywhere.
But don’t worry; Shia “where’s” LaBeouf has not completely forsaken the angelic image and boyish innocence that have made him our collective darling. Yes, he was arrested, but at least he made sure he was arrested for the most innocuous celebrity crime ever committed, and in the most adorable way possible.
What did Shia do? He was charged with criminal trespassing after refusing to leave a Walgreens drugstore. Not a whorehouse, not a gun shop or heroin pavilion, a Walgreens. And for not leaving. Hey Mr. Policeman, if Shia “tripthong” LaBeouf is refusing to leave your vicinity, you thank your lucky stars and swoon appropriately. That’s like arresting a teddy bear for littering chocolate kisses at your feet.
Below, a picture of the arrest, during which Shia vainly tried to fend off arresting officers with a hastily-grabbed toilet brush from aisle 7.
In the process of getting arrested, Shia reportedly “didn’t interfere with any customers” and inflicted “no property damage.” Isn’t that the cutest thing you’ve ever heard? It’s like a puppy gnawing on your shoes; sure, he shouldn’t do it, but come on, he’s not hurting anything and JUST LOOK AT THE LITTLE GUY!
Some even speculate that Shia’s cry for help was fallout from his broken heart over ex-girlfriend Rihanna, pictured below.
Clearly, Shia was in the Walgreens looking for a card and Whitman’s sampler to win the girl back, and wouldn’t be deterred from his mission. Let it go, Shia. She doesn’t deserve you.
In hopes of putting this all into perspective, I leave you with a list of crimes Shia “it means ‘the buff’ in French” LaBeouf is now guilty of:
November 9th, 2007 at 8:20 am
Oh man Swaim, not you too..
November 9th, 2007 at 9:22 am
I agree with Justin up there, but seriously why is this one even news? He’s not getting drunk, exposing himself, making sex films, making horrible TV shows, getting some girl pregnant, going to dog fights, etc.
I’m also a little confused though. Isn’t walgreens 24 hours? How can you trespass for not leaving a store that never closes?
In any case, if this is the worst he’s done so far, he’s way ahead of the game.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Were they closing? I know some Walgreens close at 10PM, but seriously, why is that a crime? That’s not a good prison story, he needs to think one up, fast. Less “I was hanging out at Walgreens” and more “I raped a bear in the middle of the 101″ Oh, wait, that’s what they threw Christian Bale in the slammer for.
November 9th, 2007 at 2:10 pm
I was asked to leave a Starbucks.
At closing time.
Hardcore man, hardcore.
November 10th, 2007 at 11:22 am
Whoa, whoa, WHOA! Was that a fucking jab at Christian Bale, Morris? Are you trying to imply that Bale is anything shy of a faultless stand up citizen of the Universe?
Do you have any idea where you are?
November 10th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
No, it was inplying that Bale is so badass that he’ll have sex with whatever and whenever he wants, as he is above typical codes of ethics held by humans.
November 10th, 2007 at 6:28 pm
I have been banned from several libraries, take that in your pipe and smoke it.
Although to be fair…I was stealing books….
Oh and his name means ‘the BEEF’ you arse.
November 13th, 2007 at 10:31 am
What part of the post makes you think Swaim doesn’t know that?
November 19th, 2007 at 7:04 pm
My heart was also broken when I heard of my little Shia’s arrest.
“But I’ll never fault him for it once we are married.”
March 10th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Makes sense! Nice article! I’ll Digg right away….
April 23rd, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Of course, you know that LeBeouf means “the beef,” and Shia claims that his whole name translates rougly to “bring on the beef!” Yeah, I sometimes think that when I see him, too. He is delicious, and the manager of that Walgreens is stupid. But the point is, Shia has a new movie coming out, and it’s an Indiana Jones movie! With Harrison Ford (who, btw, could spend the night drinking in a Walgreens picture-frame aisle and no one would call the frickin’ cops), so screw Walgreens, I’m gonna see that movie!