This week, while Ross is in the mountains of Mexico training for his new role as a Cracked columnist, we’re counting down our favorite Nooners from five to one. And we are at #1, Ross’s favorite and one of the great moments of voice over narration ever caught on film.
Awesome Video Of The Day
“OH MY GOD! CASNADIAN DESTROYER!”
On a first viewing without any context, today’s video is pretty so-so: Some kids attempt a “Canadian Destroyer” in their backyard and look stupid. Go ahead and hit play. It’s only 10 seconds long - I’ll wait.
Finished? Ok, good. Now you might be wondering to yourself, “Why did the kid scream “PARANOIAAAAA!” at the end there?” Don’t worry - the uploader was kind enough to explain it in the “About This Video” section:
“ok this is our second destroyer but i have to talk about the announcer,camera guy.ok thats our frend carney and he wanted to rhyme something with canadian destroyer and he sounded like an idiot,i know he sounds gay too but try to pay attention to the move”
I don’t know why, but watching it again armed with that knowledge makes it about a thousand times better. It helps that his name is Carney, I guess, but mostly I just like the fact that he screamed “PARANOIAAAA!” because it was the first thing that popped into his head that rhymes with “Destroyer.”
Two problems there: First of all, “paranoia” DOESN’T rhyme with “destroyer.” Secondly, even if it did rhyme it still wouldn’t make any sense. Carney, if you somehow end up reading this, here’s a list of post-Casnadian Destroyer taglines that work a little better:
Pointless Blog Roundup
Pointless Blog #3: Barcodepedia.com
Today’s entry isn’t necessarily a blog per se, but it’s so spectacularly yawn-inducing that I thought it would be a crime not to mention it. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Barcodepedia.
It’s exactly what you think it is.
Did you know that the ISBN number for the 2007 Lord of the Rings Calendar is 0768877857? What about the Samsung SpinPoint 200 GB internal hard drive? EAN13 - 8808979495238, just in case you were wondering. Thanks to Barcodepedia, the internet finally has a place to keep all those pesky barcodes. Because, you know, that used to be such a problem.
Who in the name of God are these people uploading barcodes to this website?! User Ian13 is their #1 contributor with a whopping 340 barcodes added (Biography: “I am a barcode fanatic. Just the site for me!”). DJLarZ is tied for 2nd place with 273 barcodes under his belt (Biography: “I work in a gas-station, so I have access to a lot of barcodes.”).
These are clearly sad and damaged individuals, but thanks to their hard work and dedication, if I’m holding a product with a barcode on it, I don’t have to spend a bunch of time reading the packaging to try and figure out what it is. Instead, I can just boot up my computer, point my web browser to Barcodepedia.com and type the barcode into the search box! What convenience!
Take this weird glass container full of cold, carbonated liquid I’m drinking, for instance. Rather than look at the label on the front of it that clearly says it’s a bottle of Sapporo, I can simply type in “0 8797500350 2″ and find out that I’m drinking… umm… a Six-Seater Portable Bench (Black).
The future is now, people.
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
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June 10th, 2008 at 7:23 am
Oh, that will hurt them! Even the big strong man I met @____PlusMeet.c o m cannot stand still! I am a sexy big beauty and I am seeking my Mr. Right @ PlusMeet.c o m__, where many big boob women, big booty women and big manful guys meet and seek fun&love together!
May 29th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
We all know that plan “B” stands for bone Britney or is that plan BB?
May 28th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
Correction, Britney Spears and Mel Gibson who were both in Costa Rica at the same time as I. Yes, in fact, I did hook up with both of them. I gave them a stern talking-to on behalf of all my fellow Crackedonians.
I fear my pleas for them to enter lives of hermitage may have fallen on deaf ears, though. If you never hear from, or about, them again, then you’ll know my work is done. If you see either of them in the tabloids, don’t worry; I have a plan B.
Yes… plan “B” will work out quite nicely.
Hmmm, hm heh heh, ha ha haa haaaa haaaa haa!
May 28th, 2008 at 2:57 pm
I tried to tell them it was Casnadia, and did you hook up with Britney Spears who was suspiciously in Costa Rica the same time as you? Hmmmmm?
May 28th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
During orgasm, I typically honk like a bull moose. It’s a bit muffled by the moose mask, but Mrs.glendoor42 knows it means “Who needs love when I have you?”
And yes, we all know it is in fact Casnadia. I believe I’ve more than educated the Americans of Cracked about many of the important facts of Casnadian life.
May 27th, 2008 at 8:24 am
Haha, 12 Pack has mommy issues…..
May 26th, 2008 at 11:15 pm
All hot women have fat guy friends because they are all soulless, evil, torturing hags. No woman is happy unless she is making some poor bastard’s life miserable. Which is exactly why we men have to say strange things when we “release” upon them. My personal favorite is “EXCELSIOR!” But who knows, that could change if I move out of New York…
May 26th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
No he is right its Casnada, and most hot chicks have fat friends so when they get too drunk someone will save them form the losers that attempt to pick them up at the bar. Basically the fat friend is the protection from cracked.com bloggers.
May 26th, 2008 at 12:09 am
Why is it that every hot chick has a fat friend? I mean, why does god have to make life so tough for wing men? Click here for a funny take on “the fat friend.”
May 24th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
In all actuality, I believe it’s Casnadia.
May 24th, 2008 at 9:55 am
“Just trying to help. Love,
Canada”
I think you mean Casnada.
And this is the best nooner by far.
May 24th, 2008 at 6:46 am
i’m surprised that no one has noticed that the kid on the left is clearly dead
May 23rd, 2008 at 11:02 pm
I have to agree with Gladstone. “Casnadian” is definitely my favorite part. Great nooner, Ross.
Also, I’m glad to see that of the 20 or so anonymous respondents to this post, Carney–as well as several people who know him–have all managed to appear here to set the record straight on topics as deverse as “Carney’s weight” and “Carney’s sexual preference.”
Kudos
Oh, and by the way, I like to yell “Boom goes the dynamite!” after I orgasm…although its often muffled and hard to hear because I like to wear a monster mask during sex
May 23rd, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Dear Americans:
“Foyer” is pronounced “foy-ay”.
It’s a little like “ballet”, or “buffet” where the ‘t’ is silent.
Just trying to help. Love,
Canada
December 26th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
“nigga face?”
alyssa flood?
December 2nd, 2007 at 6:43 pm
Whoa..slow down, Ex-girlfriend. You can’t say such words as “turns” and “still” in the comments. There are people that are still offended by such words, as it turns out. I know, in the heat of the moment your brain just turns and turns and turns and turns, but still.
As for me, after an orgasm, I usually yell out, “OMG! It still burns!”. I probably should see a doctor, but I hope turns out fine on it’s own.
Oh yeah, and Carney told me to tell you “You are a stupid head”. Ouch, burn.
November 24th, 2007 at 10:31 pm
he is fat ass homo, and i cant believe i went out wiht him and made him cry when i bok up with him, and i still cant believe i went out with this fat mother fucker. and he is gya gya gay gay and i hope he turns gay anf gets even fatter. He is a little cunt ass nigga face asshole.
November 18th, 2007 at 8:19 pm
carneys a fat fucker that everyone that knows him hates.
November 11th, 2007 at 6:56 pm
On the whole yelling out things in the heat of passion…has a rather tasteful ‘here i go, clear the entranceway honk honk,’ gone out of fashion?
Bombs away perhaps?
November 10th, 2007 at 11:44 am
This is perhaps the greatest series of comments ever written. If anyone goes to his myspace page and reads his comments it puts the video (and Carney’s life) into such greater perspective. Cracked, thank you for bringing this into my life.
November 9th, 2007 at 10:20 pm
Exuse Me, But I Am the Real Carney. And Im Not The Best poet. It was the 1st thing that came to mind. My 1st Name is ryan and i appreciate your Concern But Im Fine.
if you like Add Me add me at
Myspace.com/stop_carney_time
thanks again.
-Da real carney
November 9th, 2007 at 9:40 pm
wow this is to much… more things to make fun of him about ahhahah
November 9th, 2007 at 9:36 pm
Hi im the kid taking the,uh “Cusnadian Destroyer” in that video.And Ryan Carney the camera man.
November 9th, 2007 at 9:31 pm
the kid who did this, his names ryan carney and he goes to my school and he wears really tight shirts and hes a fruit
November 9th, 2007 at 2:29 am
I read cracked.com from work since my job is dull. The proxy firewall blocks Barcodepedia.com as “Adult Content”… Cracked.com works fine though…
November 8th, 2007 at 6:35 pm
I prefer to sing The Carpenter’s “Superstar” while crying softly at my bottle of Johnson’s Baby Oil.
November 8th, 2007 at 10:49 am
I prefer to scream “WHAMMO!” after orgasm, personally.
November 8th, 2007 at 3:24 am
I was thinking the same thing Party On, but then I realized it isn’t sung in english, it’s sung in british. Having said that, I’m resolved to shout PARANOIAAAA following certain acts henceforth. These acts include: Tripping, parallel parking, and orgasm (is sex includes a second person). Just one more way my life has been vastly improved by the Daily Cracked Blog.
November 7th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
Well…for the older crowd, if you know the lyrics to The Kinks song Destroyer, it makes sense:
Paranoia, the destroyer.
Paranoia, the destroyer.
November 7th, 2007 at 3:30 pm
I’m afraid you’re both confused. Casnadia is a small principality situated on the Wisconsin/Saskatchewan border. We are noted for our destroyers and horseshoe crab fisheries.
November 7th, 2007 at 3:16 pm
casnadian is what cracks me up most
November 7th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
disregard that…didn’t have the sound on…Carney is the confused one apparently
November 7th, 2007 at 2:19 pm
casnadian? is that a typo? it’s canadian destroyer… or is it part of the joke? i am confused :-/
November 7th, 2007 at 2:18 pm
yeah, perhaps with such a name, he would be more suitable working in some kind of fayre, or ‘Carnival’ is you will
November 7th, 2007 at 1:27 pm
That’s why you should never let a kid named Carney be your camera man/announcer.
November 7th, 2007 at 1:17 pm
How pissed would you be if you risked paralysis to pull of a bitching move and then heard the dick with the camera shout paranoia like a jackass.
” PARANOIAAA!!!!!!!”
“Dude, what the hell, did you just shout paranoia?!”
“I…. I thought it would ryhme”
November 7th, 2007 at 1:09 pm
“OH MY GOD!!! CASNADIAN DESTROYER!!!”…
“… MY AUNT LIVES IN LA JOLLA!!!”
“… I BANGED DIANE SAWYER!!!”
“… I’M A GOLDEN STATE WARRIOR!!!”
“… I ALSO BANGED BILL MOYER(S)!!!”
November 7th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
this is my favorite nooner.
November 7th, 2007 at 12:40 pm
To be fair, there is probably some legitimate purpose to which a searchable bar-code registry coud be put, assuming that the bar codes were accurate, which they are almost assuredly not.