What If I told you that one of the sexiest women in the history of film was looking for a young male escort? That she was willing to pay you just to be her date. And what if I showed you her photo?

Man, that’s a sexy lady. A come hither stare. Smoldering sensuality. Classy, yet seemingly not adverse to some sado-masochistic ass play. Sounds great you say, but something is troubling. This diva looks familiar. Is that… could that be… Good Lord, it’s Lauren Bacall:

So forget about the first photo because it’s the 2007 Lauren Bacall who’s in the market for a male escort.

But does that have to be a dealbreaker? I mean, you could still tell all your friends you bedded down with a movie star. You could have something in common with Humphrey Bogart. And, hey, you’d still be getting paid for sex, and that’s something, right?

Well, maybe you wouldn’t have to have sex. Maybe you could watch her feed her 600 cats or listen to stories about blowing Louis B. Mayer. Oh, I don’t know.

I do know that aging is incredibly depressing because Lauren Bacall was stunningly beautiful. And now even though she’s in her 80’s, she’s probably aged as well as is humanly possible without having your skin all pulled and Botoxed. And still, she has to pay men to keep her company. That’s a drag.

So if any of you strapping young Cracked readers are up for the job, why not leave your testimonials in the comments below? Maybe you can make a love connection. What do you have to offer Ms. Bacall? Please specify your favorite 40’s movies, likes, dislikes, and penis size.

Awesome Video Of The Day

I Have A Bad Case Of Diarrhea

I always thought Japanese people were total badasses, what with the Shogun warriors and the Seppuku and all that, but apparently I was all turned around on the subject. It turns out that Japanese people are actually huge sissies who call an ambulance every time they get diarrhea.

Shouldn’t the whole death-before-surrender thing come into play here? If you’re Japanese, doesn’t checking yourself into a hospital for your explosive diarrhea bring shame upon your family or something? Maybe I’m misinterpreting this whole thing. Maybe they’re trying to learn the English for “I have a bad case of diarrhea” because they assume that traveling to an English-speaking country means they’re almost certainly going to have to say it at some point. In that case, though, I’d assume that a Japanese person would pretend they DIDN’T have diarrhea to avoid imposing on anyone. You know - because it’s rude. On the other hand, so is blasting diarrhea all over a bench at a bus stop. I’m pretty sure that’s a rule of thumb no matter what country you’re in.

Then again, what do I know? This video was the first time I’ve ever seen a Japanese person in my entire life.

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Rodney King, to many, is the ultimate symbol of a long, seething corruption and misuse of oppressive force that has dragged down our society and put us into a state of undeclared war with our neighbors. His beating by four white LAPD officers and their subsequent acquittal sparked massive riots, and King went on to become a touring speaker on the issue of racial discrimination and police brutality.

And what’s Rodney King doing these days? Getting shot in the back while riding his bike away from would-be thieves. Drunk. I’m really hoping he parleys this incident into a speaking tour as well, because it sounds way more interesting than racial equality.

At the end of the article, you can find an exhaustive list of the ways in which King has failed to live up to his accidental role model status, but highlights include:

In short, he has done everything in his power since the time of his beating to convince me that he should have been beaten. Maybe not for the reasons he was beaten, but the point is he had a beating coming. Maybe a few shotgun pellets to the back will convince him it’s time to ease up, but I’d put better odds on another PCP-related vehicular manslaughter attempt.

In a move that shocked no one, China recalled another defective product this week. The twist this time is that the product was a children’s toy called Aquadots, and the minor defect was that they are coated with the date rape drug.

Frankly, I’m having trouble believing this wasn’t intentional. Tiny pill-shaped pellets coated in roofies and sold to American children? We’ve either got a lot more to fear from the Chinese than we thought or a lot less, because their toy manufacturers are clearly either evil or retarded, and I wouldn’t rule out both at this point.

But honestly, what were they thinking? There’s no market for this product. Do you know how easy it is to get a kid drunk? All you need is like a thimble of Glenlivvet, not some fancy toy-pill.

The worst/best part is that in their official apology, the manufacturers apologized for “damaging the ‘Made in China’ label during the Christmas season.” THAT’S how devoted to industry the Chinese are.

Look, China, it’s fine if you drug my son. Hell, if I didn’t break out the Nyquil now and again I’d never get a full night’s sleep. But at least apologize for doing it, and not for hurting your country’s GNP.

On the plus side, Aquadots are now selling for hundreds of dollars apiece on eBay to frat houses across the country.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Who Knew That Canadians Make The Sweetest PSAs EVER?

Usually when I pick out a video to post for my Nooner, I’ll watch it over and over and over again, picking out every possible nuance that could possibly be used to comedic effect. I scour each and every frame for subtle facial expressions, looking for a glimpse beneath the surface, trying to figure out what it MEANS. Then I make a dick joke and go play video games.

Today is different, though, because I refuse to watch this video more than the half dozen times I just did. It’s pretty grim, but it’s also a highly effective PSA: the next time I’m a hot, upwardly-mobile, about-to-be-married Canadian chick carrying an enormous pot of boiling hot water, I’m going to be very careful.

Maybe our Canadian readers can clear something up for me: Are you guys constantly slipping on grease and suffering third-degree burns up there? Is this such a problem in Canada that it actually requires its own PSA? Here in the States we have PSAs for stuff like meth and teen pregnancy and domestic violence and stuff, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen one addressing the importance of CLEANING UP AFTER YOURSELF. Do you guys live in some sort of utopian wonderland where the biggest problem you have to worry about is slipping and falling? Does universal health care make everyone totally reckless or something? What’s going on up there?!

Also: How’s hockey going? No, really. I’m not making a joke here - I actually want to know. Please tell me how hockey’s going.

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It’s been an interesting week here at the Cracked blog; my fellow writer Gladstone took some hits after posting a joke about the resemblance of a police sketch of a murder victim to the mascot of a certain humor magazine (which coincidentally was the inspiration for a knock-off franchise which would, years later, give birth to this very site).

Criticism was somewhat intense; phrases such as “maggot snot,” “pathetic excuse for comedic writing,” and “I’ll make you paint a sketch in your own blood” were thrown around. Which is fine—I believe it was Ben Franklin who said that the tree of great comedy websites must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of tasteless bloggers and commenters with poor spelling. Or words to that effect.

I felt somewhat guilty, however, since I believe I’ve done much worse in the past. You see, before we came to the happy pastures of Cracked, Mr. Gladstone and I used to ply our trade for a (sadly departed) site where the police sketch/Alfred E. Neuman joke would have rated fairly low on the offensiveness scale. To share just a few examples of the depths of comic depravity I was willing to plumb in those crazy days of my squandered youth, I’ll have you know that I…

• Suggested that the President’s tears for fallen soldiers were really due to the cancellation of “The O.C.”
• Asked whether Anne Frank was “Hot or Not”
• Reminded readers that even amidst the sadness of the Virginia Tech shootings, there were still hotties to be found
• Wrote a post on a woman accused of placing her child in the microwave titled “Baby, Baby, Don’t Get Cooked on Me“
• Created a cut-out sign for teenage fans inviting R. Kelly to pee on them
• Cured readers of the desire to look at celebrity crotch-shots by surprising them with pictures of national tragedies
• Used a story about corpse mutilation in Somalia to make a joke about “I Love the 80s“

… and last but not least:

• Went out of my way to declare my dislike of Sinbad when he was rumored to be dead, then mourned said rumors when they were sadly laid to rest.

However, lest you believe that the space where my heart should be contains only an icy, desperate void, I’ll have you know that I am not completely without compassion. For example, I waited for three entire hours after Anna Nicole Smith’s tragic demise to create this graphic:

Everyone who gets hard from being severely disappointed is gearing up for the Led Zeppelin reunion. Arguably the greatest rock band of all time is going to perform on December 10, 2007 with Jason Bonham filling in for his deceased father on drums.

And just to make sure it lacks the fire, intensity, and polish of the original Led Zep recordings, they’re making some changes:

Led Zeppelin have been forced to rearrange their hit songs for their upcoming reunion concert - after frontman Robert Plant struggled to hit high notes in rehearsals. . . .

 

A source tells British newspaper The Sun, ‘He and guitarist Jimmy Page have had a few heated discussions about the upcoming gig. Jimmy is a bit rusty and Robert has been struggling with the high notes. To avoid any embarrassing vocal wobbles with the world watching, they decided it would be best to transpose the songs in a lower key.’

Wow. I can’t imagine the degree to which Plant’s voice has fallen to pieces because even in his prime, Plant could NEVER hit his hight notes live. Go rent Song Remains The Same and fast forward to Ramble On. His paint-peeling shrieks have been replace by a lower octave warble. He sounds like Elvis. Or listen to some of Houses of the Holy (particularly Song Remains the Same) and tell me they didn’t speed up the tape. Either that or Alvin from the Chipmunks took some guest vocal spots.

Don’t get me wrong. Plant is one of the greatest and most important singers in the history of Rock, but at the end of the day, he’s just an accidental genius. Unlike John Paul Jones and Jimmy Page who were trained studio musicians, Plant was some half-wit, squealing in the blues tradition and spouting nonsense lyrics or lines he stole from The Lord of the Rings. And it was great. Zep’s first five albums are five of the greatest Rock albums ever made. It just worked, which is odd, because usually it’s a bad sign when your frontman takes off his shirt and starts singing about Mordor.

So there you have it. Robert Plant is an intellectually-impaired cheeseball who can’t even pretend to cut it live anymore. And, oh, and in case I case I haven’t sufficiently enraged die-hard Zep fans, I should mention I banged your mom.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Shao Lin Xiao Zi (Translation: Little Boy What Punches Yer Face In)

When I was 7 years old I used to do moves like this all the time. The only difference was that I was doing them in a carpeted living room in Skokie, Illinois instead of in front of an epic mountain range at a Shaolin temple in China. Oh - and it looked like absolute garbage. Maybe that’s because I had no formal training whatsoever and a completely sedentary lifestyle.

I’m not a kid anymore, but I’d bet you dollars to dojos that this kid could fight his way from one US coast to the other and annihilate pretty much anyone he encountered. Dude can do the splits and bang his head on the ground and all kinds of crazy crap; do you really think he’s gonna have a problem mowing through a couple hundred thousand pasty, flabby Americans? We’ll be all “Awww, look at him meditating in his little pajamas.” Then his eyes will open and he’ll be all “AIEEEEE!” and that will be the last thing you ever see. We need to keep this kid off of American soil. Seriously.

And you wonder why China is the next global superpower. Even their CHILDREN can murder you.

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Were you able to load this post? Consider yourself lucky. A new study has shown that as early as 2010, loading a thick, content-rich post like this one (note the use of multimedia to the right and above) will crash the Internet faster than the Hindenburg flying through an electrical storm.

Why? Because you broke it.

Flashy Myspace pages featuring wall-to-wall gifs and the music of Kenny G, endless Youtube uploads of QVC clips, all just to fuel some pathetic humor-farm’s crass attempt at entertainment…the list goes on.

Quite simply, there’s too much Internet, and not enough tubes to hold it all. To make the metaphor as clear as possible, imagine we’ve got eight things and, like, three tubes. And each tube only holds two things.

Get the picture?!

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Neverending stories of impending global catastrophe, ecological disaster, and geopolitical meltdown got you down? Well, friends, set aside those difficult-to-digest plates of unpalatable facts and get ready for some less intestinally-distressing fare, because it’s time once again for my roundup of all the news you absolutely, positively, don’t need to know at all. Let’s get to it!

Bindi Irwin, Hip-Hop Mogul: Australia’s favorite fatherless child is refusing to let her dad’s unfortunate ascension to the Great Crocodile Pit in the Sky hold back her own burgeoning career, and plans to release her first rap single next month. With lyrics like “I’m afraid of grizzly bears, but don’t you see/Grizzly bears should really be afraid of me,” the song is sure to be a hit, but Bindi has a warning for any potential haters out there: “You muthaf@*$in’ stingrays tryin’ to get in my path/Don’t be surprised when you get a shotgun up your ass. G’day, muthaf#*%ers.”

Amy Winehouse Kills Again: The rampaging tornado of whirling drugs and crusty makeup known as Amy Winehouse has claimed another innocent victim—this time, a harmless hamster. The adorable, formerly live and pooping hamster met his fate at Winehouse’s hands last year at the apartment of Palladium singer Peter Pepper, who said, “I’d been to bed, but Amy had stayed up and was still going strong and had drunk the drinks cabinet dry. The next thing I know, (the hamster) bites me, runs off and Amy says she’ll catch it… But I went to put a plaster on my finger and by the time I came back, Amy said she’s put it to bed and it was sleeping. But just hours later the hamster was stone cold and hard.” (This is believed to be the last time Winehouse made anything hard.) How many more victims must this menace claim before someone puts a stop to her reign of terror and lousy soul music? Who will protect us and our pets? (As an incentive to any drug dealers who may be inclined to put her out of our misery, I should add that Winehouse’s body mass is now thought to consist of at least 40% pure cocaine.)

Alba Gives Regards to Broadway: Jessica Alba, who would be the very definition of my perfect woman if she were only unable to speak, has decided to show off the artistic range she displayed in such cinematic tours de force as Honey and The Fantastic Four by taking on Broadway. The star is set to appear in the role of Karen in David Mamet’s classic “Speed-the-Plow.” (In a bonus bit of unnecessary news, it turns out that David Mamet and Sidney Lumet are not the same person.) However, Mamet is rumored to be customizing the play to showcase Alba’s unique talents, as indicated by his revision of the script to a one-page sheet consisting of the words “Enter KAREN, naked. Two hours pass. CURTAIN.”

[More Unnecessary News here.]