Awesome Video Of The Day

Lex Luger Loses His Shit

Interviewing wrestlers must be hard. They probably give you a long list of things NOT to do when you first get the job, like keeping food in your pockets or looking them square in the eyes. Still, I’ve gotta hand it to this guy: He managed to keep his cool in the face of utter catastrophe.

I’ve also gotta hand it to Lex Luger: He did his best, all things considered. But unless this clip was being aired live, why in the name of God did it get out?! Did this meet the producers’ and directors’ general standard of excellence? It’s usually pretty high in the world of professional wrestling. The only explanation I can come up with is that the cameraman was slated to film an anti-steroids PSA the next day and decided to kill two birds with one stone.

(edit: A friend of mine - one who actually follows wrestling - says this video is “Tron Guy old.” Hopefully there are still a handful of people who haven’t seen it.)

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Fuck T.I. and P. Diddy. Here I was deciding who’s coolest based on what kind of weapon they used, totally forgetting the three cardinal rules of public altercations: location, location, location. Anyone can gun down a rival gang member on a street corner in a ghetto. Anyone can punch someone in the face at a club. But it takes a special kind of badass to pick a fight in a waffle house.

Think about it: a waffle house is a place of contentment and peace, where one goes to be filled with thick, sweet syrup and dense batter. This is not a place for violence. Only a truly cool individual, dedicated to the art of public fistfighting, could wild out in such an establishment. A truly cool individual like Kid Rock, self-proclaimed Rock and Roll Jesus.

Mr. Rock is no stranger to the old ultra-violence, having punched a DJ in the face at a strip club in Nashville and getting into a scuffle with Tommy Lee at the VMA’s. But with this waffle house brawl, he seems to have taken it to the level of a true visionary, actually predicting the fight beforehand during an interview with CNN. Now we know the truth: these fights are not merely the spontaneous expressions of a man with poor impulse control, they are the masterworks of an artist who works exclusively in the medium of fight.

My hat is off to you Kid Rock, coolest of the cool. Maybe if the real Jesus had had some of your vision and foresight, he wouldn’t be regarded as such a pussy nowadays. Oh, by the way, not to call you out or anything, but in your new song “So Hott,” you misspelled the word “hot.” I wouldn’t bring it up except that it kind of makes you sound like a retarded hick, so you might want to fix it before the album gets released.

If you check out the CRACKED forums, you’ll notice a lot of heated debate about “Sin,” the proprietor of the defunct tv-links domain, having his site shut down and being sued for copyright infringement. In case you hadn’t guessed or are pretending not to be an accomplice, tv-links used to post links to thousands of hours of up-to-date TV shows and movies, all for your viewing pleasure (and a tidy advertising profit).

First of all, if you don’t want to look suspicious, don’t name yourself Sin. It can only refer to a base act of human corruption or the world-devouring monster from Final Fantasy X, and neither association is going to help your public image much.

Secondly, as that forums thread proves, there is a lot of controversy among Internet citizens about the ethics of the case, all of it centered around complex metaphors that don’t hold much water. The debate goes something like this:

From these arguments, only two reasonable conclusions can be drawn:

1. The new season of Heroes is as addictive as crack cocaine.
2. Gang members are missing out on the huge profit-making potential of “guy you pay to tell you where to find a drug dealer.”

As neither are very helpful, I’m going to try my best to put this whole thing in perspective. Shocking revelation after the jump.

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Awesome Video Of The Day

Old Man Falls Up An Escalator

I feel kind of bad about posting this. On the one hand, it’s kind of mean-spirited to laugh at an old person falling up an escalator, but on the other hand, you know, people falling down is funny. Kurt Vonnegut once said that he thought people falling down was the funniest thing in the world, and he was a “Humanist” so I think that means it’s okay to laugh at. Then again, guess how Vonnegut died earlier this year?

Yup - falling down.

At any rate, I’m really only posting this to demonstrate how FULLY it’s possible to fall down. Not in terms of extreme heights or speeds (we’ve all seen videos of people face planting harder than this), but in terms of THOROUGHNESS. I’ve never seen a more drawn-out fall in my entire life. It takes an eternity.

Did he think it was going DOWN instead of up? If so, why was he trying to get on? That would’ve put him right where he wanted before he even stepped onto the escalator. Maybe there’s no point in diagramming a SICK 360°. Bottom line? It’s funny when people fall down. End of story.

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If you’re an 18 to 34-year-old male like me (and if our advertisers ask, you definitely are), you’ve most likely gone through periods in your life convinced that all the good women are taken, and that the rest of your life will be a long, slow succession of painful rejections, unsatisfying lap-dances, hung-over regrets over the unreliability of beer goggles, and lonely nights at home with the ladies of Vivid Video (who while attractive and friendly, may not actually like you for you).

But wait—take your head out of that oven, for I bring you news of a great joy for all people: there are still excellent women to be found:

An Australian barmaid who entertained patrons by crushing beer cans between her bare breasts and hanging spoons off her nipples has been fined, police said Wednesday. Luana De Faveri, 31, was fined 1,000 dollars (900 US dollars) after pleading guilty to two breaches of the Liquor Control Act. Another barmaid who helped hang spoons on De Faveri’s nipples was fined 500 dollars while the bar manager was fined 1,000 dollars for failing to stop the pair.

So two brave souls dare to show that girls—how should I put this—just want to have fun, and how are they rewarded? Fines and public embarrassment. Australia, I’m sorry, but the global goodwill you generated with Crocodile Dundee may have just evaporated.

But I know what you’re thinking: sure, there are perfect girls with beer-crushing breasts halfway around the world, but what about here in the Good Ol’ U. S. of A.? Is there any woman here who can replenish our faith in the fairer sex? Yes, there is:

Tiffany Sutton, 24, pleaded guilty to aggravated assault… after she repeatedly stabbed her lover during an alcohol- and drug-fueled sexual tryst. According to police, the victim agreed to be tied up during sex but became alarmed and asked to be untied when Sutton pulled out a knife and said she liked to drink blood. … When he escaped, she chased him with a pickax. … prison records show Sutton thought she was a vampire for the first several weeks she was in jail.

… I know, it’s great that your ex has been able to move on and see new people, isn’t it? She really has gotten back on her feet.

But in case you fear that all single girls out there think they’re vampires and want to drink your blood, you can take comfort in the fact that a short look at Craigslist turned up:

• a girl who thinks she’s a werewolf and wants to urinate on your leg;
• a girl who thinks she’s Dr. Frankenstein and wants to hook electrical clamps to your nipples;
• a girl who thinks she’s Dick Cheney and wants to hook electrical clamps to your nipples; and
• a girl who thinks she likes you and wants to talk about your feelings.

On second thought, maybe you should stick with porn.

So it seems Bob Dylan just did a car commercial. And not just any car commercial, but an ad for a gas-guzzling 2008 Cadillac SUV.

I think that’s awesome. I mean, it’s just like when he went electric at the Newport Jazz festival. But instead of being bold and brave and experimental, it’s shameless and crass and whorey.

This is just the kind of spirit-shattering news I’ve been waiting for to catalyze a mass suicide of any and all remaining hippies. I thought the last of the patchouli-drenched, cannabis-lovin’ herd would have killed themselves after Dennis Hopper started doing retirement ads, but apparently some are still kicking.

So, although possibly not true, I thought I’d share a few more facts to help guide the razor blade across the wrists of anyone still remaining in that tie-dyed community:

• For his services, Bob Dylan was paid —not in money— but with the tears of baby seals collected during their slaughter
• When the commercial shoot was over, Dylan kept driving aimlessly just to watch the ozone die.
• One of the conditions of Dylan’s contract was that the car’s CD player had to come equipped with an advance copy of Britney’s new Blackout album
• Although cut from the final take, in an earlier version Dylan looked at the camera and said, “And the Cadillac’s great for offroading over Abbie Hoffman’s grave!”
• Dylan wanted to write a new verse for Blowin’ in the Wind that goes “How many roads must a man walk down before he realizes he should be drivin’ a kick-ass SUV,” but Ford convinced him it was in poor taste.

Awesome Video Of The Day

Unicorn Cove School of Metaphysics

Yes… The Unicorn Cove School of Metaphysics. A magical wonderland where you can sit around someone’s one-bedroom apartment, practicing the lost arts of fake-swordplay, kickboxing and playing Magic the Gathering while surrounded by belly dancing goth chicks. It might not be an accredited, degree-granting university, but it’s got a YouTube commercial with a really epic theme song. What more do you want?

Located in Westbrook, Maine, the Unicorn Cove School seeks to “bring about positivity and light, and to educate in the matters of the metaphysical, the spiritual, the paranormal and the mystical.” To that end, they offer courses in Psychic Development, Beginning Mysticism, Energy Work and HULA DANCING. They also have a program called the Unicorn Rangers Psychic Police Department. You know - just in case you’re ready to leave the dull worlds of rational thought and normal human interaction completely behind.

And I thought I was hot shit with my fancy liberal arts degree. All this time I could’ve been a Psychic Unicorn Cop!

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In case you don’t live in the best part of America: the best part of America is currently aflame. Yet, though tongues of searing death lap feverishly at my windows, I blog on, intrepid as ever. As the only CRACKED blogger with the ability to report from within the firewall, I figured I should shed a little light on the subject. Or as much light as can be shed, considering the impenetrable, unbroken sheet of ash that rains down on our very heads.

First of all, a debt of gratitude is owed to the general SoCal population, who have donated so much food, water, and other goods to the relief effort that not only are the 500k and climbing evacuees well-fed, they are in fact unpleasantly full and lethargic, and wish to be left alone on the couch to watch Nascar while they digest.

Are you paying attention Africa? Catch on fire and the food will start pouring in. It just goes to show you that people are basically altruistic after all, and anyone who says otherwise is a fuckface who deserves to die in a fire.

And I hate to be the guy who brings Global Climate Change into every discussion, but they did warn us. Those of you reading from the Mississippi delta (AKA “The third best part of America”) should watch out as well. Please note that the above sources aren’t totally credible, as they are the first things that came up on Google. I hope you’ll forgive me if my research is lacking this week: I’M ON FIRE.

Okay, maybe not directly, but my life has without question been impacted by the disaster. For one, my fiancee’s parents stayed here overnight, forcing me to sleep on the floor in the living room. Secondly, the play I’m producing had to take a one-day break from rehearsing because our space got shut down. I’m telling you, it’s like Hell. Thankfully, the parents have relocated to a friend’s empty condo, so we’ve got our bed back. Your prayers, it seems, were fruitful.

In the meantime, I feel it’s my civic duty to draw this readership’s attention to a startling and disturbing fact. If you look below (click this link for a better view), you’ll notice something utterly shocking: the fire WON’T GO INTO MEXICO.

If you know anyone with FEMA or you are President of the United States (I know you read my blog Mr. Bush; I got your last cookie bouqet), I urge you to strike a deal with our neighbors to the South, either to allow our evacuees to head to Tecate or to give us the secret of their awesome firefighting prowess. My only guess is that it’s got something to do with their fine, zesty beer. Also possibly a water sombrero of some sort.

Soldier on, Southern California. My thoughts and dry goods are with you.

… dead tired of coming up with names for albums, that is.

The former Beatle, Wing, walrus, and guy who made a one-legged woman cry told reporters recently that the title for his new CD, Memory Almost Full, was inspired by an error message on his cellphone:

“It seemed symbolic of our lives today,” the 65-year-old said Monday. “Your messages are always full. And your mind is full. And it doesn’t matter if you’re my age or 20. I think that we all need to delete stuff every so often.”

In keeping with this naming strategy, here are my predictions for Paul’s next ten albums:

• Permanent Fatal Error
• Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery
• The Number You Have Reached Has Been Disconnected or Is No Longer in Service
• Remove Label Before Placing in Microwave
• If More Than the Amount Used for Brushing is Swallowed, Contact a Poison Control Center Immediately
• Silica Gel: Do Not Eat
• Phenylketonurics: Contains Phenylalanine
• Processed in a Facility Which Handles Peanuts
• The Coffee You Are About to Enjoy is Very Hot
• Do Not Resuscitate

Did you ever watch two really great, (though unrelated), movies and think “These would be even better if, instead, they were just one movie?” Of course not. You’re not an idiot. Also, you probably don’t work for Hollywood.
Due to the success(?) of the latest Halloween as well as the success (!?) of 2003’s Freddy vs. Jason, Paramount and Newline are teaming up to develop not only
Freddy vs Michael Myers, but also Freddy vs Jason vs Michael Myers.

These movies will hopefully clear up the unanswered questions left by Freddy vs Jason, (specifically, “Why did this movie get made?”). Nothing says “We haven’t bled these franchises dry yet” quite like having Mike Myers resurrect Jason for no fucking reason. Why not go all in and have the whole thing take place on Wolfman’s birthday?
After the jump, you’ll notice a few similarly inappropriate movie posters to distract you while I complain.
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