How Can You Top Wonderwall?
For the tone deaf and the illiterate, there’s some good news and some bads news. The good news is there will be a new Oasis album. The bad news is that it might not have any lyrics.
Songwriter Noel Gallagher explained his writer’s block to reporters:
Wow. What a crushing blow. An Oasis album without lyrics. That’s like having diarrhea without vomiting. Like being anally raped without getting fisted first. Like someone running over your dog without setting your cat on fire. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but let’s be reasonable people. Noel’s written about being young, being a rock star, and living in the city. I mean, what else is there?
Can you name one song in rock history —JUST ONE— that ISN’T about those things? Oh, you can? Lots? Well, sure YOU can, but what if you were a stoned, mildly retarded, douchebag from Manchester? What about then? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Still, always the humanitarian, I thought I’d give Noel some ideas for new songs:
- Sing something about an old not famous guy who lives in the country.
- Write a song about being so unsightly and annoying that you have to get your no talent, only mildly better looking brother to sing lead.
- Steal lyrics off of George Harrison’s tombstone now that he no longer has new lyrics to poach from.
- Write Blur an apology letter for all the hateful stupid shit you spouted and set it to music using the three chords you know.
- Examine the Zen inquiry: if a band no one cares about anymore releases an album no one buys does it make sound?
October 31st, 2007 at 4:28 pm
Wow, I thought no one else in the world had as much overflowing buttloads of seething viscuous hatred as I had for this band and it’s members! Thanks for taking my feelings and putting them into words!
October 31st, 2007 at 5:50 pm
Thanks. Yeah, I feel the same. But what do I have to do to get a flame war going here? Hey Oasis fans, I also banged your mom.
October 31st, 2007 at 6:29 pm
His right eye is so bored it’s trying to escape his face.
October 31st, 2007 at 7:44 pm
You’d think they’d bow out once they realised their fanbase have grown up and mostly working in IT.
October 31st, 2007 at 8:47 pm
Wow, their career is dead. I write the meanest thing i can and the response is either a) who cares, or b) yeah, i agree.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:01 pm
I grew up with them. I’m working in IT, go figure.
November 1st, 2007 at 8:19 am
Well SOMEONE has to keep things interesting.
Oasis RULES, you stupid piece of dick! That band speaks to me, (I was also a youth and have heard of big cities), and you better watch what you say. This band represents me and my friends, (I like to do crystal meth and hit my brother with a tamborine, and I don’t have any friends), and if you say anymore dumb shit about them, I’m just gonna have to forget the lyrics of a song and pass out on stage.
November 1st, 2007 at 9:34 am
Hehe, love it. Does anyone have a link to that video with clips of all the songs Oasis has ripped off?
No serious Oasis-loving comments yet? That’s progress at least.
November 1st, 2007 at 11:24 am
That’s it O’Brien, it’s ON!
Where were you when they were getting high? Right there! With them! Getting high! ‘Cos, you’re high and stuff if you like them. Get it? Yeah, that’s right you heard me.
And I heard that wonderwall was really about the rest stop glory hole where Mama Gallagher earned extra money to buy her boys music lessons, but then she used the money on smack alcohol speedballs instead that she used to call… (wait for it) Champagne Supernovas.
November 1st, 2007 at 12:10 pm
while i grew up on oasis and love them to this day i do not feel the need to start any kind of flame war. everyones entitled to their opinion right? plus you stated yours in a humorous fashion. i suppose i should say something inflammatory since im an oasis fan and all, so i will only point out the fact that you once said you DIDN’T hate my chemical romance. that is all.
November 1st, 2007 at 12:41 pm
For ross^^
i too used to love them. i too work in IT
meh
November 1st, 2007 at 1:38 pm
I hate how dude says “Supernover.” Seriously.
November 1st, 2007 at 2:39 pm
Damn, not bothered !!!
That’s some close Cracked blog reading. I’m so busted! I only don’t HATE My Chemical Romance because I award them some points for trying, but of course I don’t bring any of their crap into my home. I do think Oasis would win in a drunken brawl, but I’m pretty sure the MCR boys could tune their guitars before Noel.
November 1st, 2007 at 5:30 pm
points for trying what? to keep the nations youth a bunch of whining morons in girl pants with bad eyeliner and worse myspace pages all while keeping hot topics in business nationwide ? no but seriously MCR is a terrible. did you read where the frontman whatever his name is said that emo was a pile of shit, and that his band was not emo, had nothing in common with emo bands, and he didnt see the similarity? riiiight. oh and come on noels like 80. he could tune his guitar before they were born.
November 1st, 2007 at 6:00 pm
CAN WE NOT AGREE THAT OASIS IS THE BEST BAND SINCE THE BEATLES?! CAN WE NOT AGREE ON THAT?!!
Also, CAPS LOCK!!!
November 1st, 2007 at 6:03 pm
“he could tune his guitar before they were born.”
Then why doesn’t he….?
MCR- yeah, they suck. But they ain’t any worse than most of what else the current music industry (and it is an industry- factory made “punk” bands and posh curly haired kids who wanna play at being a musician so get daddy to buy them a Gibson- rather than anything artistic) has on offer.
November 1st, 2007 at 8:51 pm
hobolad i agree. mainstream music is basically shit however i dont know where this whole guitar out of tune thing came from anyways. i never noticed oasis having out of tune guitars
November 1st, 2007 at 9:37 pm
hmm, ‘Tropical Storm Noel kills 90 in Carribean’ and ‘Noel Gallagher talks about new album’.
Sounds like a deadly shitstorm to me.
November 1st, 2007 at 10:51 pm
oasis? that’s the best topic you could come up with? no gin blossoms or better than ezra news to report?
November 2nd, 2007 at 9:41 am
No, but stay tuned for some dirt on Dishwalla!
I tuning gtrs thing was just my way of saying oasis has week musicianship. Yes MCR sucks. I just think they suck less than let’s say other shit emo bands bc they’re music is a tiny bit more sophisticated, that’s all. On black parade they tried and failed to be queen. Most bands try and fail to be green day.
Look, let’s just focus all our hate on Noel, can we do that? Since there has yet to be one dude to say Oasis doesn’t suck. Wow.
November 2nd, 2007 at 10:24 am
Dookie was a great album. Chill the fuck out.
November 2nd, 2007 at 11:26 am
i said i was an oasis fan to this day i thought that meant i was saying they dont suck
November 2nd, 2007 at 1:31 pm
that’s true. sorry. I’ve been sick for days. That’s why I’m missing things, writing in sentence fragments and spelling “weak” as “week.”
And Ross, I said most bands just try to be Green Day, which doesn’t necessarily mean Green Day sucks!
P.S. Green Day sucks.
November 2nd, 2007 at 5:22 pm
None of those crappy bands can hold a candle to REO Speedwagon.
November 2nd, 2007 at 7:47 pm
i should however clarify that while i am an oasis fan and dont think they suck that doesnt mean i think they are the greatest band ever. its just catchy british rock.i do think they are better than the garbage they try and pass of as rock on the radio. they are like a guilty pleasure to me. i loved them when i was young and im still a fan. im not going to sit here and claim noel is an amazing lyricist or anything. most oasis lyrics are just throw away lines. he does however pull a line or two out of his ass on occasion thats pretty good though. mostly in the early days. their latest single lord dont slow me down is completely nonsense lyrics but i like the tune. id much rather listen to it on repeat over anything they play on a modern rock station though. thats for sure
November 3rd, 2007 at 7:18 am
Ha. Thanks for that.
November 5th, 2007 at 12:24 am
I suppose I’ll be number 3 (or so) to stand up for Oasis here, although you did do a good job of ripping on them, haha. At any rate, its hard to argue that What’s the Story (Morning Glory), Definitely Maybe, and Don’t Believe the Truth are all great albums. Also, its hard to argue that everything else wasn’t bollocks (although a couple tracks such as Fuckin’ in the Bushes, Acquiesce, Stop Crying Your Heart Out, etc.). Anyway, Don’t Believe the Truth was a really solid album and that came out only a few years ago, so despite the gap between that and their last good album, (Morning Glory) I wouldn’t call them has beens.
November 6th, 2007 at 7:59 am
I would, i’ve made that point 3 or 4 times now, and for the benefit of anyone who didn’t get what I meant by ‘i grew up with them, i’m working in IT, therefore i hate them,’ i’ll explain, or else just bore you to death.
Back when Oasis started in the early 90s it spawned all this great British rock, and it was a great time to be a British teenager. You could wear parka jackets, Ben Sherman suits, lairy sunglasses and base yourself somewhere between a mod and an indie-kid. It was a revival of all things great. Or else you could wear some really bright dungarees and dance in a field whilest off your tits on acid.
Now however, most of the generation that grew up with Oasis are working in front of eye-shredding possibly cancer giving computer monitors. And Oasis are still going.
Oasis were always about being young and cool, and now they are pushing 40. With kids. The American equivelant is being into grunge back in 92′ and finding out less than 2 decades later that none of the bands give a shit about Seattle and that nobody wants to record there any more because ‘the constant rain in the Pacific Northwest makes it a hard place to raise kids.’
November 6th, 2007 at 1:00 pm
I don’t see how their style or age has any relevance with their musical stylings and accomplishments?
November 6th, 2007 at 6:43 pm
Despite my last name, I’m not English, but if I were and celebrating my early 90’s youth there, I’d be a big time Blur fan. Watched Noel in that new VHI The Who documentary and it was the first time i heard him speak and not speak like a complete and utter dumb ass.
Of course, my fine English companions, the whole Blur vs. Oasis things is based in the tension between working class and college boys, no? Oh, I mean “University.”
BTW, Ross to carry your analogy further. In America, the Oasis fans would have been into Nirvana. Personally, I was/am a Soundgarden man.
November 28th, 2007 at 3:17 pm
1. “the whole Blur vs. Oasis things is based in the tension between working class and college boys, no?” No! Oasis are not working class, they wouldn’t know what work is, they are scumbag underclass dole-cheating vermin.
2. “Back when Oasis started in the early 90s it spawned all this great British rock” No, the early 90s spawned all this great British rock, as well as beatles-lite pop monkeys Oasis. How the heck can anyone call Oasis a rock act? They plagiarise pop acts, ergo they are a pop act.
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