Charles Johnson, Pirate Hookers and The Crunchiest Cereal Ever: The (Friday) Nooner!
Awesome Video Of The Day
The Infamous “Charles Johnson” Video
What a week, huh? In just five short days, I’ve managed to find something bad to say about college students who play beer pong, women with long fingernails, game show contestants and pretty much everyone who lives in Germany. I’m spent.
For that reason, I refuse to say a single negative word about “The Infamous ‘Charles Johnson’ Video.” How could I? It’s just kids being kids, right? Children doing what we’ve all done at some point in our lives: having fun with a video camera. Uttering nonsensical words, screaming like idiots and making explosion sounds while jumping on their beds. It’s beautiful in a way. Like watching a young fawn take its first steps on shaky little legs.
One day these fawns’ legs will be less shaky, though. These two boys will grow more and more confident until one day, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not the day after that, but one day they will no longer be boys at all.
They will be all grown up and completely, 100% retarded.
Sexy Halloween 2007
Sexy Costume #1: Captain Hooker
After a week of beating around the bush, I’m relieved to finally get down to brass tacks and bring out the most direct, no-nonsense “sexy” Halloween costume of 2007. “Sexy Spider”? “Sexy Mouse”? Enough. Just be a pirate hooker, okay?
I’ll even start you off with some pirate-related innuendos for you to use:
It doesn’t get any easier than that. All you have to do now is be your charming self.
Sure To Attract Guys Dressed Up Like: Dracula, Pee Wee Herman, Hitler
Sexy Factor (out of 10): 10
Wild Card
Great - Some Guy Who Isn’t Me Just Made A Billion Dollars
Thomas Edison once said that “Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.” Well guess what, Edison? Some dude just invented a bowl that can keep your cereal crunchy and he probably never broke a sweat. That’s all you need these days to make a fortune: oddly-shaped plastic. Just look at the spork, or those things they stick in pizzas to keep the box from falling into the cheese. Piece of cake!
A bowl that keeps cereal crunchy? Pfft. I could’ve thought of that. Now this guy beat us all to the punch, and now him and his fancy little plastic bowl are going to be hanging out with the spork guy, the plastic-pizza-box-thing guy and a whole bunch of other billionaires on a Carribean beach somewhere for the rest of his life. They’ll be riding jet skis and drinking diamond juice out of human skulls and laughing, laughing at all the miserable saps who can’t come up with any good ideas of their own.
But my day will come… yes… someday I’ll show them all. All it takes is an idea… just one good idea…
Shit. Anyone have any ideas? Let’s brainstorm.
October 19th, 2007 at 12:21 pm
Oh, OH! Cereal bowl that keeps your cereal SOGGY. For people who love cereal, but hate themselves.
A cereal bowl that keeps pizza boxes away from cheese…Talking spork.
Is anyone writing this down?
October 19th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
Thanks for the great comments - you are just as bright as any of the forementioned none of whom I saw when I was last in the Carribean. This was sadly due to the fact that I was selling a system that stops people from stealing shopping carts http://www.gray-matter.co.uk
I’m sure you know that necessity is the mother of invention - you have to quit your job and get close to starving and then in desperation you start thinking. Well it worked for me - thanks again. Inventor/ risk taker - eatmecrunchy!
October 19th, 2007 at 12:50 pm
Holy shit!!! The inventor of EatMyCrunchy just left me a comment!
What do you think of a “go-to-sleep call” service (as opposed to a wake-up call) where you get a call around 10:30 and a prerecorded message from Morgan Freeman gently lulls you to sleep?
P.S. Do NOT steal this idea from me. You’re already rich.
October 20th, 2007 at 12:54 am
“You’ve worked hard all day. Look at that bed. It’s so comfortable and it’s just for you. Go ahead, now, go ahead and lay your head down on that pillow. You’ve earned it. That’s right. Hope can drive a man insane, Andy.”
I’ll be expecting half a bil for my part in this invention, by the way.
October 20th, 2007 at 10:40 am
How about, just to get started, knocking off an existing invention? The Foon could easily siphon away a few fast bucks from people who love the functionality of the Spork, but hate paying for the expensive brand name.
October 20th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
I think the Spork people would sue our pants off. To make it legal, you have to give it some sort of added functionality.
Foon = no go
ELECTRIC Foon = ???
November 6th, 2007 at 3:02 am
‘Foon’as a name is taken I’m afraid. It is a cross between a funnel and a spitoon. I have also trademarked the names “funtoon” and “the spitnel” just in case Foon is not a goer.