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Lindsay Lohan is apparently still news…

Monday, August 20th, 2007

… so we still write about her here.

Two bits of Lohan news (and the good two bits you might be hoping for) hit the newswire today. First, she wants to go back to making albums (since no one wants to make movies with her anymore). Second, her parents have finally settled their divorce.

CRACKED has obtained this exclusive sneak-peek of what Lohan’s as-yet-unrecorded-and-unreleased album’s track listing looks like:

1. I Am The Cause of My Parents’ Divorce
2. I Am More Than Two Large Breasts; I Also Have a Very Loose Vagina
3. Cocaine (Eric Clapton cover)
4. If You Think This Song Sucks, Imagine Me Singing It While Wearing a Bikini
5. Did I Mention I Have a Lot of Casual Sex?
6. Rock Me Like The Coked-Out Whore I Am
7. I Can’t Get No Satisfaction (Without Illicit Substances)
8. My Mommy Loves Me, But My Daddy Loved Me A Lot More Often, If You Know What I Mean, Wink Wink
9. If You Are A Celebrity and Have a Penis, I Would Like to Engage in Sexual Intercourse With You
10. Stairway to Heaven (Lohantastic Remix)

Posted in Lindsay Lohan, Music | No Comments »

Jenna Bush is off the market

Friday, August 17th, 2007

So, Jenna Bush, first daughter and celebrity muff bearer, is now engaged.

I, for one, am devastated that she’s off the market, and have made this video to prove it:

Posted in Jenna Bush, Video | No Comments »

Thank you, R. Kelly, for continuing the alien madness.

Thursday, August 16th, 2007

So, apparently, R. Kelly is still as fucked up as ever. He’s released a series of sequels no-one has asked for to his already over-long, over-hyped, and over-wrought hip-hopera (his term), “Trapped in the Closet.” And, as the aforelinked article states, he refers to the extended song series as (really) an “alien.”

When your big hit song features a gay priest, lesbian lovers, adultery, and a midget, it’s already a parody of itself. (But that didn’t stop “Weird Al” Yankovic from doing his own version anyway.)

The most bizarre thing about this (d)opus (that’s a portmanteau of “opus” and “dope” — remember, you saw it here first, kids) is that people want to listen to it. The story is, in a word, reallyreallyfuckingstupid. And it’s the same song over and over again. It’s a sequence of now something like two dozen songs, and each one has an identical melody with slight lyric changes.

My friends, we have allowed a probable child predator to profit off “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”

Posted in Music, R. Kelly, Weird Al Yankovic | No Comments »

About the Official Cracked Blog

Tuesday, August 14th, 2007

The Official Cracked Blog is a distant relative of the duck-billed platypus.

The duck-billed platypus, on the other hand, is a wild animal capable of killing small children with its razor-sharp talons. It also breathes fire. And bleeds pain.

Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

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