Cracked Columnists

2 New Shirts for 'Star Wars' and 'Led Zeppelin' Fans

This is the most exciting time to like Star Wars since the Burger King glasses. Whether you're hopeful about the new and apparently charitable movies, or just hoping they get the Bill Murray lounge singer treatment, there's always some new online news to get all celebratory-Ewok about. And yet as good as the new movies might be, our new pair of Star Wars shirts looks back to a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, when Jimmy Carter was president and George Lucas movies were "from the director of American Graffiti and a weird dystopian thing and that's it."

Some bands launch themselves to stratospheric fame with an album or an epic tour. In Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes' case, it only took one unforgettable bar show on that night some drunk got his furry forearm cut off. Show everyone you know your way around a wretched hive of scum and villainy and impress kloo horn fans with this shirt design from Jesus A. Rodriguez and Joon Kim. It'll feel like 1977 all over again, which is great, because apparently that was the best year to have tickets to a thing in the history of years.

One benefit to running a Galactic Empire: no frivolous lawsuits against the government. That's good for Emperor Palpatine, because once he finished retrieving nauseous Darth Vader and started plotting Death Star II, he didn't have to face the families of every lost crew member of his 120-kilometer-wide superweapon in a class action lawsuit. Either way, this design from longtime Dispensary shirt designer Sulaco suggests a handy sign that, while not a solution to the Empire's design flaw, certainly absolves them legally if Mrs. Stormtrooper ever brings her negligence suit to Sith Court.

Was Our Original Trilogy Better?

We're confident you'll love our new Star Wars shirts, but like J.J. Abrams at 3 a.m. in his Tunisian Will Smith trailer, we still lie awake wondering if we can ever top our original trilogy.

Because what other shirt brings together The Dark Knight Rises and Wayne's World? Or brings to life the image of "Darth Vader noodling"?

And how can we ever top the cutest-ever rendering of sci-fi's most iconic robotic comedy duo? In black AND in pink?

Or what about our tourist shirt for a moisture-farming paradise, where there's always a gorgeous double sunset at the end of the day? Shit. We need to work harder. Our new stuff can't merely be OK just because we've got your goodwill from crushing it at Star Trek.

You Can Still Celebrate Your Hero

Our latest design contest isn't over till Friday, and we want to give you our money. Even better, our theme is simply "Portrait of an Icon." Take your favorite real or fictional hero and make the coolest design of them you can. Then post it to our forums, win our money, get featured in this space, and be the creator of the all-time greatest T-shirt tribute to [your hero here].

Our Memorial Day Sale

Everyone else is doing it, so we thought, what the hell, let's jump on the bandwagon. Now, for your convenience, we're offering 10 percent off all purchases through Friday, May 30 with promo code MEMORIALWEEK. And, if you spend $49 or more, you can get 15 percent off with promo code BIGSPENDER.

Our Weekly Dose of Envy

So the Star Wars expanded universe has been consigned to the dustbin of "Hey stop caring about it k thx." Apparently there are only so many stories the guy who produces everything he can get his bad robot hands on can tackle. And maybe that makes sense in Jedi storytelling. But in the world of T-shirts, we want to expand your universe as much as we possibly can. Of all the new gems the Internet's produced this week, these are the five we'd give the equivalent of a standalone Boba Fett movie.

5)


Available at TeeFury

4)


Available at Design By Humans

3)


Available at GlennzTees

2)


Available at Six Dollar Shirts

1)


Available at Shirtoid

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