Cracked Columnists

2 New Shirts for 'Mario Bros.' and 'The Shining' Fans

No time to waste, friend. It's summer, it's too danged hot, and you need as many shirts on hand as possible. Don't fear lower-back sweat knocking out more of your laundry stockpile. We've literally got you covered.

If you're a video game character, get ready to die. Because you're either a hero who's respawning time and again (and who knows if you rematerialize as the real you?) or a villain under constant assault by superhuman immortal assholes. It's an Edge of Tomorrow-style nightmare, but instead of hanging out with Emily Blunt's Linda Hamilton impression, you're stuck with your fellow grunts. And that struggle's worth celebrating, which is why we're printing this new design by Michael Tate as fast as our T-shirt war machine can. It's Mario Bros. as combat, and wearing it will help you meet your own Light Brigade of fellow troopas.

Yes, it's a tawdry hotel fling between a man and a pianist. Yes, they could have closed the door instead of showing off that this is a modern Muppets special where you see their legs. But come on. It's 2014/1921. And it's time we celebrated whatever makes a man and his man-operated dog happy. So get yourself this mashup from Cracked member SomerOf84. And also please put your kitchen knife down ... TBH, sort of an overreaction to a picture on a website.

Our History + Comics + Money Contest Ends Soon

We've got a whole forum thread where we're asking you to take your favorite historical figure and find their equivalent superhero. The best example is Tesla-as-Thor, the worst example is Grover Cleveland-as-Multiple Man, and your entry's probably somewhere in between. But maybe you've got something even better than Nikola Tesla wielding Mjolnir. We think you just might. So we're keeping our design contest going through Friday. Post your idea before the end of the week, and if it's good enough you'll get $500, a real printed T-shirt idea, and a feature in this space.

Our Weekly Dose of Shirt Envy

Like we said at the top: summer. Heat. Sweating. You need to lay in T-shirts like the sweat flood zone sandbags they can be. We search the Internet weekly for its best new shirts, and these are our favorite recent picks. If they don't get you through the nightmare that can be August weather, nothing will.


Available at Society6


Available at Threadless


Available at Glennz Tees


Available at Teepublic


Available at Society6

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