#8. Chop Down a Tree
Planting a tree is a comforting way to know that something will be around for years after your death, and that in some small way, you made a difference in the world. Killing a tree does the exact same thing, and can provide better sight lines for the property you'll leave your children.
"Oh. There were just more trees behind it. I really should have checked that before -- sorry tree."
#7. Throw a Hula-Hoop Around a Giraffe's Neck
Cracked readers will know that the giraffe is the most hilarious of mammals, and that using their necks as the focal point of a fantastic new, Harry Potter
-esque sport is a great idea, and one they really should have had themselves already.
"Hey! Hey you fucking giraffe. That's cheating. Put that neck back up."
#6. Visit Times Square for Christmas Eve
Midnight at Times Square on Christmas Eve is a magical time because of how deserted it is, unlike the sadly predictable festivities on New Year's Eve. Avoid the crowds! Avoid your family!
"3, 2, 1, Merry Christmas everybody! Every ... homeless ... body. Man you guys are sad. You're making me sad."
#5. Learn to Listen to the Piano
Playing the piano is hard, and is these days something that's typically only done by people with Asian parents. Listening to the piano is far more achievable goal, and ultimately more enjoyable, as it can often be done while drinking, or while watching football on mute. Or, for that matter, while watching football with the sound on really loud.
Many pianos have an option that lets them play themselves on mute.
#4. Cause an Eclipse
Witnessing an eclipse is also on a lot of bucket lists, but isn't that a bit humdrum? It starts, all the birds go insane, and then a couple minutes later it's over, and all the birds are like, "Whoa. I don't remember a thing. Did I do anything stupid? Did we ... did we sleep together?" But if witnessing an eclipse is lame (it is), causing one is not lame (it's not). Obviously, recreating a full eclipse is still in the realm of science fiction, but thanks to the magic of geometry, you can recreate your own smaller eclipse to enjoy with your friends and family, with the help of a crane and a largish object, like a bear.
Feel free to reuse your skybungeeing crane.
#3. Put a Tattoo On Someone Else
Getting your own tattoo sucks. It hurts, and then halfway through you panic and run off, and you're stuck with half a Pikachu tattoo for the rest of your life. That's been our experience anyway. But giving someone else a tattoo? Someone who doesn't want it? That's just crazy enough to work
. Or just crazy. Anyways, you're going to need a bunch of leather straps and one of those basements from the Saw
movies, as well as access to a lonely rural highway to pick up drifters. Have fun!
The one with the blood shot himself after seeing his tacky barbed wire armband. The other one is begging to not get a Chinese character which means "Wok" printed on his lower back.
#2. Solve a Murder
Here we're imagining taking a trip to a British manor for a weekend hosted by a reclusive host. Arriving at the home, you meet your fellow guests, a bizarre group of wealthy socialites and lost souls. Soon the festivities are interrupted by a murder, which you then solve with the help of your date, Christian Bale.
"No, we can't both play Colonel Mustard. Because. Because I said so. Stop crying."
#1. Race Around the World
Every bucket list in the world contains a half dozen entries about exotic destinations that the listee wants to visit, under the assumption that seeing the Eiffel Tower is some kind of immense character defining experience. But there's nothing special about the Eiffel Tower at all -- getting a really good taco provides about the same level of spiritual enlightenment. If you haven't figured it out yet, what really counts in life are the experiences. It's the story you had at the Eiffel Tower ("Christan Bale and I got caricatures!") that makes the whole trip worthwhile. And the best way to combine travel with a guaranteed experience is to turn it into a race. Find (and then anger) an eccentric millionaire ...
This one will do.
... and wait how long it takes for him to challenge you to a race around the world. To keep things interesting, insist on using only homemade methods of transportation, the crazier the better, a condition the eccentric millionaire is sure to agree to.
He's got like 30 of them.
Then, using the money and technical know-how that Christian Bale possesses, build your own round-the-world capable flying contraption ...
"What do you mean this 80-year-old comic isn't a "blueprint"? Just make it work. STOP CRYING."
... and have the adventure of a lifetime! (Here "lifetime" refers to both your natural lifespan, or the length of time it takes Christian Bale to realize the gun you have trained on him isn't loaded, whichever is shorter.) ___________________
For more from Chris, check out The 7 Most Impossible Rock Stars to Deal With and The 25 Most Baffling Toys From Around the World.
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