A Bucket List is a list of things that someone intends to do before they die, the missed experiences that this person imagines will help flesh out and define their life. Its name is derived from the phrase "kicking the bucket," a euphemism for dying, though why it wasn't derived from our preferred euphemism for death -- "going tits up" -- is a mystery. "Tits Miscellanea.
" There, that's it. That's what it could have been. Missed opportunity, universe. Obviously, Cracked readers' lifestyles carry a great deal of risk. Just reading this site's comments section is enough to dangerously raise your blood pressure, and we've also got a special font which will make your monitor explode that we're waiting for the right time to use. Poised seconds from death at all times, Cracked readers are a natural audience for great bucket list ideas. We've tried to help you with that a bit below, avoiding the old standbys, and instead opting for more unique Cracked-esque experiences. Hopefully this will provide you doomed folk a unique and satisfying winter to your existence, or at least some amusing eulogy fodder.
Everyone puts skydiving on their bucket lists, to the point that it's now mentioned in a lot of skydiving advertising. But resist the sway of the powerful skydiving industry, and instead consider skybungeeing. Skybungeeing is an open concept sport which combines all the best parts of skydiving and bungee jumping in ways that aren't completely standardized yet. Does it mean jumping out of a plane with a bungee cord, and bouncing around a bit and then getting dragged along the ground in a bloody smear of a landing? Or does it mean strapping a plane to the ground and trying to take off and having the plane smack back into the ground?
This is the third way to go.
Any way you go, you'll probably make the news.
#15. Make The News
Speaking of which: Making the news will appeal to your primitive need to be popular and important, to fool yourself for a moment that you actually matter in the world. This should be easy; the 24-hour news cycle is constantly hungry for new material, and anyone even remotely newsworthy is bound to get bit of coverage. Whether you're newsworthy for some kind of legitimate feat or something better defined as a "spree" we'll leave up to you.
"Witnesses report the suspect was aggressively pantsless."
#14. Touch Christian Bale's Face
Batman is the patron saint of Cracked, given our shared commitment to avenging our parents' deaths. And, as the most recent and successful actor to have played the Caped Crusader, Bale is the kind of person whose face you would probably like to explore with your hands.
Your hands to start, that is ...
Anyone so beautiful must be kind, so we imagine Christian Bale would have no problem agreeing to such an arrangement. Failing that, we also imagine him to be very trusting, and not inclined to look too closely at falsified Make-A-Wish credentials.
#13. Drive Around with Christian Bale
After touching his face, we'd like to imagine that Bale would complement you for "not making it weird." Shortly after, he'd invite you to accompany him for a car ride in one of the many exotic sports cars he owns. Playful games of Peek-a-boo should wait until the car is safely parked.
This is the one we're thinking of.
Experiencing the thrill of the open road with a high powered sports car is a great treat, although remember to not disturb his concentration to0 much, and only touch Mr. Bale's face minimally while he's driving.
#12. Get On To and Then Kicked Off a Game Show
If you have ever seen a game show, you can tell there's not a pretty high bar to leap to get on them -- any idiot in an "Give Me Ugly Babies, Drew Carey" shirt seems to get a crack at the prize. But no one ever gets kicked off
a game show, and isn't that ultimately a better story? Climb on the Wheel of Fortune and yell at it, scream at it for being so stupid, and then run around on it like it's a treadmill. That's a story which will definitely make it into your eulogy, what with all the great parallels between death/life/treadmills and also escaping the clutches of Sajak/Satan.
"And in their final battle, the Sajak leaped on to the wheel to chase him, but the Sajak was thrown off, and fell to the earth, and cried."
#11. Knock Over a Bunch Of Motorcycles at a Biker Bar
Life on a sitcom looks like a lot of fun, what with all the wacky misunderstandings, and unreasonably hot wives. This classic pratfall is a great way to sitcom up your life. This could be another fun thing to do with Christian Bale on your day together, perhaps while he waits in the Batmobile with the Batengine running.
"Just be cool. Be cool Christian Bale. This is going to work. Stop crying."
#10. Cheat at a Marathon
Completing a marathon is a great accomplishment, and not to be diminished, except we are going to do that a little bit, so there. Because really, finishing a marathon only requires physical fitness and massive amounts of hard work. Treachery, the prince of human activities
, doesn't enter the equation at all! So for the treacherous among you, try cheating at a marathon. This can be as simple as skipping part of the route, but for those feeling particularly treacherous, look into installing a Wheel of Fortune like device underneath the starting line, which will keep the legitimate competitors "spinning their wheels" for several hours while you slowly amble towards victory.
Dick Dastardly, Cracked's other patron saint.
#9. Eat Something Really Fancy
Eating a really expensive meal is a fine goal, a way to treat an often neglected sense. (For sense-satisfaction completionists, also consider adding "Smell Something Really Fancy" to your bucket lists). The fanciest meals are French, due to the general fanciness of the French culture, but don't neglect simpler dishes prepared with high-quality ingredients. A really good steak is of course a thing of beauty, and even something as simple as a BLT with a couple slices of penguin meat instead of the bacon will show you what flavor is at its most majestic.
Imagine the construction of this sandwich narrated by the soothing tones of Morgan Freeman, and you'll see what we mean.