As a rule, none of the Cracked bloggers talk at great length about themselves. Sure we add a few touches here and there to make certain articles funnier or more relatable, but these items are almost always exaggerated, if not outright fictions. For example, reading many of Dan’s posts, you wouldn’t picture him as an elderly Chinese woman, which he most assuredly is. This policy was put in place long ago by our editors, partly to keep the blog relevant to as wide an audience as possible, and also partly due to a healthy fear of the stalkers and readers with lurking-themed criminal records who realistically make up the bulk of said audience.
As a consequence, most of our regular readers won’t be aware of the fact that I’m Canadian, and Cracked.com’s official “Overseas Correspondent.” The reason I don’t talk about it much is because it honestly isn’t that amusing. It turns out that all of the funny Canadian jokes have already been told, and in retrospect, they weren’t that funny to begin with, e.g, we all say “aboot,” we’re all unfailingly polite, and we all live in igloos, hur hur hur. Also, we unnecessarily add ‘U’s to perfectly good words like colour, neighbour and couck-sucker.
I bring up my shameful northern heritage today because it’s Canada Day, our nation’s birthday. Canada Day is just like your Independence Day, except it’s about 3 days earlier, and we never had a movie made about it where Bill Pullman plays the President. (Nice one, Hollywood.) So, because I’ve been drunk all weekend and don’t know what else is going on in the world, and also to further Americo-Canadio relations on the Internet, here I present several facts about our country, which as far as I know, are basically correct:
___
Canada became a country in 1867 when we filled in the proper forms with the British government.
Our national animal is the beaver. It was chosen as a symbol of our country’s glory for its ability to soar majestically over the landscape on its wide tail.
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police is Canada’s national police force, which along with providing basic local law enforcement duties, also fulfills similar roles to all those American agencies with the letters, like the FBI, DEA and TGI Friday’s.
Due to the tilt of the Earth’s axis, and our northern latitude, during the winter months Canada actually travels backwards in time several days.
The Canadian accent is actually much milder than most Americans imagine, and many Canadians live and work amongst Americans undetected, constantly gathering hair samples.
Yes, hockey is still quite a big deal up here. You should really give it a chance sometime. It’s fast paced and hard-hitting and oh fuck it… I can’t do it any more. Hockey sucks. We admit it.
You can not catch HIV from sitting on a Canadian.
Re: hockey. I’m not kidding. This past season I watched almost no hockey, and it was great. You know what’s better than watching hockey for three hours? Fucking anything.
Canada is a constitutional monarchy, which technically means we have to obey the Queen if she orders us to do something. It’s mainly a symbolic thing however, as she rarely exercises the privilege - the last time being in 1978 when she ordered us to execute Gordon Lightfoot.
Measured by landmass, Canada is the second most obese country in the world, after Russia.
The name Canada is derived from the native word ‘Kanata,’ meaning ‘village.’ This name was chosen over the protests of early explorer John Shortcock, who wanting to name it after his wife, lobbied strongly for the name “Mrs. Shortcockland.”
The thing is we’re just no good at sports that involve balls. Football, baseball, soccer, golf, you name it, we suck at it. Anything involving something vaguely spherical in fact. Hot Air Ballooning? Don’t even fucking talk to me about Hot Air Ballooning.
Canada is the home of many great inventions, like the electric light bulb, the television, the telephone, and intellectual property theft.
Canada has the world’s largest coastline.
Canada has the world’s highest percentage of schoolchildren who know which country has the world’s largest coastline.
Last 5 posts by Chris Bucholz
- The American Recession as Explained by a Canadian - December 2nd, 2008
- The 20 Stupidest GI Joe Vehicles Ever - November 25th, 2008
- How To Train An Army of Animals To Do Your Bidding - November 18th, 2008
- Everything I need to know I learned from He-Man - November 11th, 2008
- Campaign 2008: The Year in Pictures - November 4th, 2008
December 4th, 2008 at 12:05 am
Americans, Canadians, Mexicans, can’t we at least the three of us agree that HOLLYWOOD SUCKS!!
November 27th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Americans, Canadians, can’t we at least both agree that Mexico sucks?
November 25th, 2008 at 11:48 am
I mostly grew up in central Ohio. We moved to saskatchewan when I was 13. Everything was great in school until it got out that I was an American. Shit hit the fan, except the word “hate-crime” didn’t apply because I was white. I got sick of it and dropped out and moved to a bigger city in the hopes of blending in. Most of my friends are natives since we can relate to the fact that white Canadians are total dicks to everyone that doesn’t happen to be a white Canadian. I will soon be back in the USA.
November 17th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
The United Nations’ ranking of Canada as “the best country in which to live”, while suggesting we should be more impressed with ourselves, does not feed a national braggart complex. We continue to be surprised when year after year, the same positive verdict comes in.
Haha.
November 11th, 2008 at 1:35 am
actually dude, canada has a very famous football player, owen hargreaves, he plays for manchester united ( biggest football club in the world) and hes a pretty awesome player also
November 6th, 2008 at 12:14 am
Wow I’m only learning this now that Cracked has a Canuck in there midst! Bitchen!!
I can totally relate with someone now and not feel like im slowly being “Americanized” by the genius that is Cracked.com, Anyways Cheers to the Article and cheers for being a fellow Canadian Chris.
November 4th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Are you telling a bunch pork-pies and a bag of trout? We are not gay nor footie hooligans and you probably are all sixes and sevens if you think that we are like the british stereotypes shown on the teli. I dare say, I was rather offended by your comment, and I must admit that you are a bit of a berk . We are regular people, quite like you honestly, that enjoy a cup of tea from time to time,bish bash bosh , bob’s your uncle. Please, bare in mind that religion is rather edgy and I’d advise you to not mock it, my cockle, that was quite cheeky of you. and taking the piss with your own country might make people throw a wobbley (if they are turkish). Your comment was not about Canada at all actually, just a load of wibble.
November 4th, 2008 at 3:12 pm
@wiki399
England Sux ! u guys are either gay (ur not but that’s the way ur portrayed on the media =D) or u are football hooligans who drink beer all the time. OR ur high-class posh pple that drink lagar and eat butterscotch scrumpets and scones and drink tea …. btw, I’m from Turkey ( kinda sux, but where I live in Turkey has absolutley nooothing to do whatesover (idealistic and look -wise) and looks nothing alike the other parts in my country and Turkey was built in the 1200s, beat that ! =D) [soz for the grammar, I'm an ignorant Turkish islamic terrorist and I have 10 wives and they all wear black stuff that cover their faces] but I would love to go to Canada, sounds like a gr8 cuntry, giggidy, the hotness is killing me hear, and pple SMELL! well whatever, praise Allah (lol)
October 27th, 2008 at 2:49 am
[...] Now for Fifteen Reasons Canada is better than your country, click here. [...]
October 22nd, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Canadians, let ourselves, inferior racist selfish Québécois, separate from you and we promise in exchange to never ever again let Celine Dion or the poutine get out of our boundaries AND we will forget about Réné Lesvesque…
I love Quebec Bashing, because it’s funny to look how people can get so retarded and actually believe what their drunken uncle told them when they where 5…
Oh yes! When Canada is around, there will always be some Québécois to attract attention on themselves. We believe that in Canada, there is the province of Québec and his suburban… and New Found Land…
October 17th, 2008 at 8:45 am
K i just want to comment because someone said that they felt compelled to comment on the “awesomeness” of our country.
Canada is decidedly superior in many ways to the United States but we suffer from the inescabability of our being less-than.
We’re a back water; a well educated, morally better grounded Mississippi.
And commenting on someone’s disparagement of our doughnut chain, Tim Horton’s doughnuts might be rivaled by Krispy Kremes but they never came up with Timbits did they? (Krispybits being copyrighted by Burger King to horrific consequences.)
We are the True North Strong and Free, but just the fact that we had to give directions begs the question, north of what?
October 14th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Still, with the ever-looming threat of an all out grizzly bear invasion, I’d keep my distance from Canada.
Eh.
October 14th, 2008 at 10:59 am
[...] (Image shamelessly stolen from here.) [...]
October 14th, 2008 at 10:47 am
[...] as it pains me to bring up my secret shame yet again, events of the day have forced my hand. Today is Election Day in Canada, where all* [...]
October 14th, 2008 at 8:00 am
[...] as it pains me to bring up my secret shame yet again, events of the day have forced my hand. Today is Election Day in Canada, where all* [...]
October 10th, 2008 at 1:01 am
Having lived in Canada for a few years, [Richmond, B.C.], I’ve never heard one Canadian say ‘aboot’. It’s been said by a rather well-known Cdn actor that Canada is like America - without the guns. I’d have to agree. To me, physically speaking, there isn’t much of a diff between Canadians and Americans, except maybe that Canadians tend to be more calm.
September 26th, 2008 at 12:07 am
Both countries might suck in alot of the same ways, but the USA isn’t sucking the couck, now is it?
September 13th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
As a born-and-bred Canadian, I am legally bound to declaring the sheer awesomeness of our country. However, there are a few things that I would like to say.
We Canadians can be just as impolite as anyone else. Everywhere I go, there are people pissing me off. Leaving supermarket merchandise on the wrong shelves, flaunting their idiocy in public places, liberally employing the only adjective that they know. There is no national level of politeness. There are decent people and total assholes on both sides of the border.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that we are on the same level as America. I like the whole ‘true north, strong and free’ thing. The crisp air, the wide stretches of unpopulated land, the accent.
I’m just saying that…oh, how can I put this…both countries suck in a lot of the same ways.
Now for my legal duty. All hail Canada and the Queen!
September 13th, 2008 at 7:50 am
Also, Captain Canuck up there is a million times cooler than Captain America.
Captain America got his powers from being a drug-tester guinea pig during WWII.
Captain Canuck has superpowers because he exercises, eats his veggies, and has a clean and sharp mind. Now tell me that ain’t awesome.
September 9th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Not to be a dick, but technically we don’t add a U in those words, Americans take them out (we use British spelling), but thankfully we aren’t stupid and fully agree with you that “aluminium” is retarded.
PS: If all the world played hockey and ate Tim horton’s donuts, there would be no war (but lots of deaths as a result of fist fights and heart attacks
September 5th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
Im with Christopher Norton! Tim Horton’s sucks. The only reason anyone goes there is because it’s turned into a Religion, just like Apple computers and Nintendo Wii. Dunkin’ Donuts is waaaaay better.
August 31st, 2008 at 7:27 am
Good read, but Canada still isn’t better than my country. I didn’t know a few of the facts mentioned but I think that Greenland has the longest coastline, not 100% sure though.
P.S My Country is infinatly better than Canada and the USA combined because we have HISTORY LONGER THAN 300 YEARS. Before you ask, yes I am from Europe…England to be precise.
Just incase there are any idiots reading, EUROPE IS NOT A COUNTRY!
August 29th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
[...] 15 Reasons Canada is better than your country [nw] :: Cracked – and take that the rest of the world [...]
August 29th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
The British had the whole U thing and the Consitutional monarchy, before Canada was even born.
We also had shameful northern heritage.
August 28th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
[...] while back I posted 15 reasons why Canada is better than your country, a thoughtful and well researched article that enumerated 15 reasons why Canada is better than your [...]
August 27th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Thank you so much for stating hockey sucks. That’s the worst thing about this country… that and all the Oxy Contin addiction in the small towns.
When the NHL (National Hockey League) went on strike, it was like having a year long party with your friends who would normally watch hockey on a Saturday night. It seemed like the country was invaded by our neighbouring country: New Funnensburgh. It’s like scandilly clad strippers were cruising on parade floats, giving out free candies and coupons for any kind of beer except Lakeport. Trumpets of freedom roared and angelic large breasted women dressed as nurses felated you on the streets and gave out free Subway sandwiches afterwards. Our IQ went up a couple points. The idea of “Heaven” was faintly off in the distance but it was approaching with such speed as if to say “Yes humanity! You’re on the right track! We’re coming”
Then WHOOPS! The fucking strike ended and hockey returned with the diarhea spewing vultures of unpleasantry.
August 26th, 2008 at 9:16 am
couck-sucker… hahaha…
…Blame Canada..
August 26th, 2008 at 8:03 am
[...] while back I posted 15 reasons why Canada is better than your country, a thoughtful and well researched article that enumerated 15 reasons why Canada is better than your [...]
August 15th, 2008 at 1:52 am
hockey is actually amazing
personal opinion?
americans love simplicity because the vast majority of them are dim-witted
Baseball? Boring as fuck, but easy to follow.
Football? it’s like a new game every 20 seconds
Basketball? That shit is like clockwork. You pretty much know someone’s going to score almost every fucking play
You guys are just dim witted and cant keep concentrated on a true, fast paced sport.
August 2nd, 2008 at 12:00 am
Hey Canadians don’t add “U” to words that don’t need it Americans take “U” off of words that don’t need it. Being an American/Canadian (Dual citizenship, born in America raised in Canada) who lives in Canada, i don’t hear many canadian jokes though i am interested in hearing some. Anyone wanna email me some? my email is btchmara@rogers.com include what country you are from cuz i wanna know what different countries think about my country.
July 29th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
You forgot to mention how much better Canadian beer is.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:50 am
I love making fun of canada (I think i’m allowed to say that because I am canadian) , your right the good international jokes are gone but I love the ones that only canadians can get. Hockey is shit, In edmonton they had that funeral thing when the strike was on god was it stupid, I almost had my throat slit when I freaked out and started celebrating as the mourners passed me.
July 17th, 2008 at 2:03 am
YEA GO CANADA
July 15th, 2008 at 8:00 am
[...] the grand, almost two week old tradition of inventing interesting facts about whichever country is a year older that particular day, to [...]
July 14th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
If I had $1000000, we wouldn’t have to eat Kraft Dinner…………………….But we would eat craft dinner!
Of course we would, we’d just eat more!
July 13th, 2008 at 2:50 am
Oh, Rietzey, don’t you be dissing my Canucks. I will smack you. I will. I am 5′0″, but I will smack you.
July 11th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Everyone freaked? Did you round up all of us and ask each and every person living down here? Because I’m fairly certain that the only people who freaked were the rednecks who haven’t figured out that most popular country music from the last 15 years or so isn’t written by the people who sing it (its like wrestling, but with less man-on-man action and more man-on- action), and *shock* many of them don’t share their audience’s ideals.
Seeing as (and this was mentioned earlier) The Daily Show and The Colbert Report consistantly win awards for doing nothing but taking the piss out of our government, to say nothing of 30 odd years of SNL…
July 9th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Yeah I’m late, I know…
Canadian bacon is called back bacon in Canada, much like french fries are “pommes frites” in France and what Europeans called “American Gravy” is called ketchup in the States. Okay, maybe the last one isn’t technically true but it is called that sometimes.
The main difference between Canada and the States is that Canadians don’t take themselves too seriously. We can take the piss out of our Prime Minister and our Queen, but when three Country Western chicks said they did not like the President being from their home state of Texas, every one freaked. Wasn’t that the oh-so valued Freedom of Speech those girls exercised?
July 9th, 2008 at 4:38 am
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July 6th, 2008 at 9:20 am
Guys, I’m sorry I’m so late! I’m finally awake after last week’s International Freedom Festival between Windsor, Ontario and Detroit, Michigan. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Windsor-Detroit_International_Freedom_Festival) It’s a festival that’s been going on for almost fifty years, where the people of both nations can come together to celebrate along the world’s longest unprotected border in the spirit of respectful reciprocity. Plus, there’s booze, carny rides and fireworks!
Sure, there’s the odd argument that breaks out over how one side refers to “grade five” while the other calls it “fifth grade”, or some mild confusion over where the “bathrooms” versus the “washrooms” are… but mostly it’s just a bunch of people all government run casino and enjoying the strippers from Quebec.
And in the end, isn’t that what it’s all “aboot”?
July 4th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
And just to throw this in there if no one clued in on the joke, the reason why they said “overseas” is because a long time ago when it was not that long ago, a then haired brittany spears said that she like being famous because she could visit lots of overseas places ….like Canada
HAHAHAHAHHAHA
July 4th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
why the fuck do people care about this debate, its a chunk of fucking land in between to oceans , honestly people this argument could possibly go on forever. Its stupid because theres nice people in both countries, and then theres assholes too. What people should care about is how much their govenments are fucking them over. moral of the story is that every country is basically the same, you get your idiots and half ways sane people. In conclusion get a fucking life, Im moving to France. XD (and yes I have a life, and I had to comment on this stupid arguement…)
PS) its funny that *glendoor42* wrote “casnadian”. honestly I laughed
and yes canada is fucking freezing in the winter, but look at the map its not fucking siberia its on the US border, and americans dont all talk like texans. And what the fuck is “bucholz”? :S
July 4th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
The definative Terrence and Phillip, I mean.
July 4th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
And BTW I thought the Casnadian national anthem was “Shut your fucking face uncle fucker”
July 4th, 2008 at 7:53 am
Happy America Day, Americans! May your day be lawsuit free.
July 4th, 2008 at 6:36 am
Bucholz? That means Book-wood, right?
July 4th, 2008 at 1:25 am
I don’t care what anyone says, I LOVE CANADA! This does not mean I hate America, I would just rather live in Canada than the U.S.
I love hockey and Timmy ho’s. I love the fact that weed in Canada is not a schedule 1 drug. I just love it. However I could do with a shorter winter. And a different Prime Minister, Stephen Harper sucks balls. Other than that though, it’s superfantastic.
And one thing to clarify about the bacon. Ham is ham, then there is pemeal bacon (which is different I swear) and then there is regular bacon. I hope that clears it up.
July 4th, 2008 at 12:28 am
@ JustAnotherCanuck, Dude,don’t tell me about wildlife, I had a five foot alligator take up residence in my pool last year and believe it or not most of the USA is still very rural.
AND BTW HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!! USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA USA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 3rd, 2008 at 11:24 pm
And one more reason is that
Canada has so many big beautiful women at *Plusmeet.c om*
July 3rd, 2008 at 10:40 pm
Wisconsin.
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Which state is Canada in?
July 3rd, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Christopher Norton, its Tim Hortons muffins that suck. Donuts rule.
coffee’s a bit weak too, but at least they put the cream and sugar in for me (ahem, Starbucks)
July 3rd, 2008 at 5:46 pm
JT very funny.
Why are people so lame here? Both countries need each other. We can argue which needs the other more later. So maybe Canada IS just America’s Hat. On the other hand, Maybe America is just Canada’s unsightly midriff. So its all how you see it. Either way Krispy Kream rocks and we do have decent beer here, just not the mass produced stuff.
July 3rd, 2008 at 4:51 pm
Glendoor42:
Though trapping fur and then trading it would be much easier, we Canadians still have wild life in our country, meaning that we must trap the animal first, remove its hide, and then trade.
Somewhat the equivalent of an American buying a Big Mac, and then trading the wrapper for some fries. (Don’t ask me why they would do that. I’m Canadian, and have no idea.)
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:55 pm
“my french is atrocious, so i didnt try very hard, just enough to say “yeah, i dont speak french… im visiting from the US” and i swear as soon as visitor came out of my mouth, they switched to english and were just as nice as could be!”
Hah…you must have not strayed far from the tourist area of Crescent or old port. I’ve lived up here for three years and you are hated simply for speaking English. It’s comparative to how blacks hate the whites down in New Orleans. The government is even more corrupt than the U.S. (well…in Quebec). The roads and drivers are the worst i’ve seen in North America…and I’ve driven through it all. Booze is three times as expensive as the U.S.
However, if you like hot, materialistic women or queer men, Montreal is amazing.
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:36 pm
I loved this. I have never heard of you before until my american friend forwarded me this link on my facebook wall. and thank you. I spent most of my canada day weekend inebriated …. saw some pretty banging fireworks on ash bridges bay though.
cheers.
July 3rd, 2008 at 1:44 pm
Where is this “Canada” you speak of, and can you get there from the US?
July 3rd, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I live in Southern California so Im pretty fuckin happy, but I did have the misfortune for living in Detroit for awhile (Michigan has some beatiful spot, but we all know detroit blows). The best thing about Detroit was Windsor, im sure there are more Canadianesque places to go, but that place was my sanctuary during my stint in Detroit.
I really like how the waitress at the bar handled a puking incident, they put cardboard over the puke, thats it, no air freshener, no effort to clean it whatsover, just some fucking cardboard… sweeet.
July 3rd, 2008 at 11:56 am
Well JT , thanks for representing. Let me give you a piece of advice.
If you show up and find yourself in a fair fight, you have planned piss poorly.
July 3rd, 2008 at 11:29 am
JT, I’ll tell you the same thing as I told a friend whom I had beaten in SoulCalibur with 28 consecutive ring-outs; a cheap victory is still a victory.
I guess we should have warned you about the old woman, though. She’s kind of like Cheung from Remo Williams.
July 3rd, 2008 at 11:24 am
Americans and Canadians behaving in such a manner is rather like siamese twins playing the “Stop touching me game”…
Who knows One fine day our Flag may support “The Bald Beaver”!!!
Can’t We All Just Get Along…
LMFCAO
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:59 am
alright, im from the US and… yeah… i went to canada(well, Montreal) for about 6 weeks last year, and i have to say… the US is kinda crappy.
Poutine rocks. Tim Hortons sucks. the city, the people, the education system, etc… makes me wish that i had a better tolerance for cold, cause i’d have moved up there by now.
but what really got me was how quickly people up there warm up to you when they realize that you’re just a visitor. my french is atrocious, so i didnt try very hard, just enough to say “yeah, i dont speak french… im visiting from the US” and i swear as soon as visitor came out of my mouth, they switched to english and were just as nice as could be!
i wont say anything about the beer there vs here, cause honestly i havent found a single brand of beer that doesnt make me want to vomit immediately upon smelling, letting alone tasting it.
and for the sports… hockey isnt that great, but honestly, i think id rather watch hockey than baseball, wrestling, car racing, etc.
and for the record, yes, our president is a freaking retard in a suit… we’re working on that, k?
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:37 am
Bullshit Kingmonkey +1. I wouldn’t call Canada fooling me with trickery then hitting me in the throat area as”‘handing me my ass”. I call it cheap… Canada fights cheap.
Besides, that old woman was strong. Jesus she was strong…
July 3rd, 2008 at 9:27 am
There are some awesome beers out of Québec. If you’re adventurous, try Maudite (MOE-DEET phonetically, it means Damned and is a swear word in French Canadian) or Fin du Monde (FAIN DU MOANED phonetically, which translates as End of the World).
These are the only reasons we keep Québec in the country. Plus, if Québec seceded, we’d have no one left to make fun of except the Newfies, and really, that’s been done to death already. Just kidding Newfies, we love your alcoholic contribution, too. (Ever try Newfie Screech? Wonder why it’s called Screech?)
UPDATE: I was in the parking lot yesterday afternoon, and Canada totally handed JT his ass!
July 3rd, 2008 at 8:38 am
The only casnadian beer I like is made by Unibrou.
July 3rd, 2008 at 4:58 am
Hockey doesn’t suck! : O It’s our national sport, and if you don’t like it then you can GET OUT
and go to the US or something. You could maybe find some company there with some of the sexy exciting links posted above.
July 3rd, 2008 at 4:32 am
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July 3rd, 2008 at 4:22 am
And one more reason is that Canada has so many big beautiful women at *Plusmeet.c om*
July 3rd, 2008 at 3:33 am
hot air ballooning?? don’t even fuckin talk about hot air ballooning. haha i literally laughed at loud and almost spilled my arrogant bastard ale
July 3rd, 2008 at 2:35 am
This article was weak.
July 3rd, 2008 at 1:51 am
Please don’t associate the Vancouver Canucks with Canada. They are the poorest excuse for a hockey team outside of Tampa Bay and will forever be etched in hockey fans’ minds as the team with “those male Swedish twins that danced for a bunch of dudes at a bachelor party.” For that matter, we tend to distance ourselves from Nickelback and their related copycat bands, too.
It’s also worth noting that a lot of Canadians call “Canadian bacon” back bacon.
Just as mass-produced American beer is little more than watered-down horse piss, the same can be said for Molson Canadian and it’s cheap brethren. Our microbreweries are great though.
And seriously - Tim Horton’s has been shit ever since they stopped baking their donuts fresh and having 30 min drive-thru lineups.
July 3rd, 2008 at 12:49 am
lmao @ the canucks they did just as good as the leafs did last year so keep braggin dickhead
July 3rd, 2008 at 12:43 am
I just realized that the comments were funnier than the actual blog. That’s kinda sad, but entertaining. Oh, and JT and Canada are really onto something! If all warring countries could solve their problems with a schoolyard brawl, the world would be a funnier place!
July 3rd, 2008 at 12:39 am
Canada owns, and so does hockey. Except for the Toronto Maple Leafs. They can die.
Go Canucks. The Canucks are from Vancouver, you idiots.
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:30 pm
Well Bucholz if nothing else your article sparked some pretty interesting dialogue and hey Merideth, yes liking corner gas does make you hopelessly uncool but just do like the rest of us canucks and DENY it lol.
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:51 pm
umm…you DO know that there’s nothing incorrect about using ‘u’ in certain words, right? It’s the British way of spelling things, but of course, fabulously independent America had to go change the orthography of basic words like ‘flavour’, ‘colour’, ‘humour’ and the like, to…well God knows what was the real purpose behind it, but hell, they even changed the word ‘yoghurt’…*shakes head*
I live in a Commonwealth country (i.e.: we were once under British rule), and I’ll just say that if you spell your words without that ‘u’, teachers maul you for it.
(but the word couck-sucker tickles my fancy :P)
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:07 pm
If you say Hockey isn’t that great, then you might as well paint the puck blue. Or is it Bleu? I would just like to say, I’m from Quebec and you Canadians are so nice.
Aha, I moved to Ottawa, so now I’m Canadian too!
(That was Separatist humour.)
You forgot our coloUrful money.
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:35 pm
U’s are required in all of those words.
I remember when I firsh learnt HTML, for ages I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t set the colour of my text and pages. After hours of trying I realized that i had to write not colour.
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:33 pm
@ Kerry, you seem like a very level headed extremely nice and polite well adjusted individual. Thank you for your very kind words and one last question,
WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON CRACKED.COM?????
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Hehe, you also forgot the fact that we didn’t even have our own constitution until 1982 (or was it ‘83?)
Seriously, for the longest time we technically had no rights.
W00t for Canada btw <3
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:29 pm
living in the united states must be like living above a wild party and below a bowling alley.
July 2nd, 2008 at 7:28 pm
I agree with Christopher Norton..Tim Horton’s donuts suck. I still like the coffee though.
Happy (belated) Canada Day all!
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:57 pm
beautiful. apologetic arrogance rules. you live in the only country with a proper, internationally recognised logo, add margaret attwood, a keen sense of irony and maple syrup that’s enough for me. keep posting - those of us who insist on the occasional ‘U’ are enjoying it, and there’s more of us out here than you think, you americocentric dullards. (mind you, most of us aren’t armed - keen sense of irony only goes so far…)
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Hey smarts Canadian Bacon comes from the Loin and Ham is from the Ass or Thigh. Though I would like to think canada just jacked ham and gave it a different name the Loin tends to be leaner… Kinda like the loins of most canadian males Eh.
There are many different forms of bacon though that all just smoked pork. American Bacon (the real stuff) comes from the fattiest parts on the flank and side (commonly called the belly) taste much better then all the other B.S. Bacons. This is proven because the best tasting shit is the most unhealthy, except for Tim Hortons which is unhealthy and taste like shit.
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:34 pm
you forgot our most famous hero.. Wolverine. He is Canadian.
July 2nd, 2008 at 5:41 pm
except about the part about toronto being the most multi-cultural city. That’s true.
July 2nd, 2008 at 5:40 pm
also, yes i was just joking yesterday… Don’t worry, i really love you!
July 2nd, 2008 at 5:33 pm
btw, i am canadian.
Their bacon is really ham, but you will not be able to convince them that they are wrong aboot that. Their other word for it? Peameal. I am not making that up.
“Their outward polite appearance hides a seething hatred of Americans, followed by another layer of politeness that feels terrible about the whole “hating” thing followed by sponge cake and a tasty cream filling.”
it’s true, the inside bit at least… Us canadians don’t much like to “hate”.
July 2nd, 2008 at 5:07 pm
ummm since when is bacon ham???? Isn’t it that stuff that comes in crispy strips???
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:51 pm
I live 5 minutes away from Canada
so I don’t even feel like it’s a completely different country
it’s just……there
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:47 pm
My Canada day was spent at home with my family. I spent a couple of hours weed eating the yard that day( big yard) because I felt like it. I heard the fireworks in the evening. Iam sure the emotion and sentiment were as strong as ever at all the events across Canadas 3600 miles from east to west. I however chose to not be in the crowd.
I love my country and would die to protect it. I would never want to protect it in vain, but out of necessity, soley because I would much rather live out my life in this magnificent country.
If a visitor comes to my country they will be overwhelmingly welcomed, there will however always be a jerk out there somewhere. Hopefully you will not meet him or her.
We Canadians are as good as most and dont have to justify who we are to anyone. Sometimes we try because we want to or because we are not too overconfident. Being too overconfident would make us more unapproachable and less open minded. My country does not act unilaterally in war unless directly attacked or allies are directly attacked. We prefer to support the U.N
I have travelled in the U.S A. and my family was always welcomed. The U.S.A. and Canada are both stronger because of eachother. We need to always respect each others sovereignty in every way.
your Canadian friend and ally
July 2nd, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Captain Canuck is WIN
July 2nd, 2008 at 3:40 pm
Tim Hortons is the worste fast food I have ever had… It alone will be responsible for me never venturing into Canada again. I don’t know what the hell you call that crap they put on their sandwich but in America old ladys put it on bread and call it Cat Food. The coffee is about as good as the crap I can get in a gas station.
July 2nd, 2008 at 3:13 pm
Aren’t yaks in tibet?
July 2nd, 2008 at 3:05 pm
There is no Colour without you. There is no Humour without you. There is no Valour without you.
Also, while we did not have slavery, Canada still didn’t treat minorities very well. Black people were still segregated for a time and some Chinese immigrants, after paying a “special” Head Tax to live in Canada were hired to help build the Canadian Pacific Railway. Some of these men, and children, were sent into dug out caves in rock walls alone and with a phial of nitroglycerine.
Quote from wikipedia
“Many thousands of navvies, a short form of navigational engineers, worked on the railway. Many were European immigrants. In British Columbia, the CPR hired workers from China, nicknamed coolies. A navvy received between $1 and $2.50 per day, but had to pay for his own food, clothing, transportation to the job site, mail, and medical care. After two and a half months of back-breaking labour, they could net as little as $16. Chinese navvies in British Columbia made only between $0.75 and $1.25 a day, not including expenses, leaving barely anything to send home. They did the most dangerous construction jobs, such as working with explosives. The families of the Chinese who were killed received no compensation, or even notification of loss of life. Many of the men who survived did not have enough money to return to their families in China. Many spent years in lonely, sad and often poor condition. Yet the Chinese were hard working and played a key role in building the western stretch of the railway; even some boys as young as 12 years old served as tea-boys.”
Mind you, this was over a hundred years ago, but, 60 years later, after the bombing of Pearl Harbour, the Canadian government, led by William Lyon Mackenzie King, decided to round up all Japanese immigrants and citizens, even those born in Canada, and placed in internment camps for the remainder of the war. A true blight on our history. A good thing those times have changed.
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:55 pm
five iron frenzy was the greatest band in the universe
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Right on Terry.
Five Iron Frenzy know what’s up.
Or knew.
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:45 pm
good article first on cracked that a ctually made me laugh out loud
i am canadian and hate hockey AND tim hortons… so there
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Welcome to Canada, it’s the Maple Leaf State
Canada, oh Canada it’s great
The people are nice and they speak French too
If you don’t like it, man, you sniff glue
The Great White North, their kilts are plaid
Hosers take off, it’s not half bad
I want to be where yaks can run free
Where Royal Mounties can arrest me
Let’s go to Canada, let’s leave today
Canada, oh, Canada, I Sil Vous Plait
They’ve got trees, and mooses, and sled dogs
Lots of lumber, and lumberjacks, and logs
We all think it’s kind of a drag
That you have to go there to get milk in a bag
They say “eh?” instead of “what?” or “duh?”
That’s the mighty power of Canada
I want to be where lemmings run into the sea
Where the marmosets can attack me
Let’s go to Canada, let’s leave today
Canada, oh, Canada, I Sil Vous Plait
Please, please, explain to me
How this all has come to be
We forgot to mention something here
Did we say that William Shatner is a native citizen?
And Slurpees made from venison, That’s deer
Let’s go to Canada, let’s leave today
Canada, oh, Canada, I Sil Vous Plait
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:03 pm
“You know what’s better than watching hockey for three hours?”
It’s certainly not watching baseball for five hours. For fuck’s sake, how can you say Hockey is boring when you’re Canadian? Would you rather watch baseball? Five hours of NOTHING.
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:01 pm
LOL….I still love America. And I like to meet American rich men and beautiful women on hot millionaire&hottie dating site ____MeetingRich.c o m___
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:46 pm
I think Canada is fantastic, although I was kind of looking for more reasons that are directly related to how we’re greater than America.
For example, in Canada we’re racist towards Natives instead of Blacks.
Now you know.
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Yeah, except it wasnt white and then they burned down York (Toronto). Wait…. do you think you yanks could do that again?
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:33 pm
(I’m Canadian) Firstly Hockey is great. Way better than that shitty American sport Baseball, which is now mostly played by poor people from the Caribbean. But i do agree, the adding of “u” to a lot of words is very annoying. Also I never once heard someone say “aboot.” Also although you didn’t mention this but pronouncing the letter “Z” as Zed is fucking ridiculous.
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:25 pm
True, Pip, but I doubt it would play out the same way if we tried nowadays. America’s United States would sue us into submission. Say what you will in America’s defense, but you must admit, you motherfuckers are crazy litigious!
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:19 pm
I’m suprised no one’s mentioned that Canada’s already kicked the US’s ass. Something about torching the White House? Americans learned their lesson back then!
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Canada was pretty kick ass 50 years ago, so much so that few people realize. Sadly though we’ve almost become a parody of ourselves since then, in a way equivalent to the US in all their ego-driven fragilty. At least Canada and the US are both failures in our own ways together, like a disowned stripper daughter and her impressionable younger sister.
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Canadians who live outside of major cities tend to, in my experience, talk exactly like all of the stereotypes and end every sentence or phrase with “eh(?)”. I love Canadians, though. Typically down to earth with a good sense of humor, much like my fellow Minnesotans. By all accounts, Canada is a fine place to live so I can’t really knock on it other than in jest. And hockey isn’t that bad.
July 2nd, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Being it’s was “Canada’s” birthfay I was content, mostly, to let “Canada” and “Canadians” to have there fun with the United States. Make fun of our spellings, say we are stupid and fat and point out that our President is retarded.
And while Tim Horton Doughnut are fine indeed, if you people think for one minute that they compare to God’s own manna ie Krispy Kreme, you people are fucking delusional.
July 2nd, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Oh God, why do people care about minor spelling differences? Perhaps these same Canadians who bitch and moan about American English also think that French Canadians should conform to the French standard? (I doubt it.) The bottom line is this: languages evolve, and they do so unevenly; furthermore, there are both eloquent speaking Canadians and Americans…
So get over it!
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:50 am
For a moment I forgot what month we were on, I thought I was cruising the archives and my brain was searching for the American National day….I should know that!… and I just realized that I haven’t prepared for this weekend-will you Casnadians send me your extra fireworks? oh, and happy that day
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:38 am
Hey Kari,
As a former Manager at Tim Horton’s I’d like to point out that it is actually ‘Donuts’ at Tim Horton’s.
I’d also like to point out that Hockey is WAY better then Lacrosse and I hate my life…
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:28 am
the American beer vs. Canadian Beer arguement is just wrong.
neither side can win….
because Britain and Ireland brew most of the world’s beers so you can’t have good beer unless we tell you that you can have good beer!
Finally Britain’s plan to take over the world through discontent caused by bad beer in North America is near completion.
MWHAHAHAHA!
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:17 am
That was A Canadian. You can’t catch AIDS-free Gary; he lives in Pembroke.
July 2nd, 2008 at 11:11 am
“You can not catch HIV from sitting on a Canadian.”
That’s a fucking lie and you know it.
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:56 am
Hockey “sucks” ? How daaaaaaare you!. Treason charges for j00 should you ever return to the land of the obese.
July 2nd, 2008 at 10:13 am
You finally had the nerve to show you bitch face, huh Canada? We’ll I’ll be in the school parking lot waiting for you.
I will fight your old women (over the age of 70) and your young children (under the age of 5). Send them to me one at a time for a beating they will never forget. Also, bring a couple of bottles of Crown. I have a drinking problem..
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:49 am
Ponder Beauregard Chambers… no equivalent? I guess you don’t watch Colbert, Jon Stewart, Saturday Night Live, Mad TV, and the like. Hell, I love Royal Canadian Air Farce, but don’t suggest for a minute that it’s unique to Canada. American’s have a wonderful ability to parody themselves. As to the better educated claim, I’d think that someone as wonderfully educated as yourself would understand the pointlessness of making a claim and providing zero supporting evidence.
Also, Tim Hortons is adequate, and Hockey is moronic. I always laugh at how violent it is. For such a peace loving country, I find it interesting.
And, before you comment PBC, I am a Canadian. I love this country. But some Canadians, you in particular, have a ridiculous sense of smug superiority.
July 2nd, 2008 at 9:11 am
Tim Horton’s is the absolute best.
Hockey is a vastly UNDER-rated game
Canadians are better educated overall, than their American counterparts
“Royal Canadian Air Farce” and “The Rick Mercer Report” have no equal American equivalents (Canadians can actually laugh at themselves, Americans don’t seem to have the same ability)
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:17 am
Happy “birthfay” Canada!
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:16 am
Dear JT,
I didn’t know this as yesterday was my 141st birthfay and all, but I hear you were calling me out. You think you’re tough? Fine, we’ll settle this once and for all, man-to-country.
Meet me at 3 o’clock in the school parking lot.
Yours truly,
Canada
P.S. Knock off the Casnadia shit, kingmonkey. Or should I say Kisingmonikey? Not funny when someone makes fun of your name, is it?
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:13 am
Karl: “Thou mead appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours!”
Motherfucker, thou didst not just say that. Oh, it be on now.
July 2nd, 2008 at 7:22 am
Attention Americans! You may be right about aluminum (aluminium to me, filthy English pigdog that I am), but you’ll never be right about ’sulfur’. NEVER!!!
Oh, and happy Canada Day, Mr. Bucholz. O Canada, etc etc.
July 2nd, 2008 at 7:08 am
“Detroit is actually north of Canada.” In the arctic circle? I was not aware, though it IS pretty fucking cold. I will admit to two things: Mass-produced American beer IS quite extraordinarily shitty (though many microbrews are awesome), but that causes me to drink beer from Germany, England, Ireland, the Czech Republic and Japan long before I turn to Canadian beer. And while Celine Dion, Nickleback, Bryan Adams and all but about three songs from Rush suck; Triumph was pretty good (for about four years). And if you call ham Canadian bacon, what the fuck do you call real bacon? Ham?
As to whoever said “At least our country isn’t run by a retarded President,” touche. I got nothin’ for that.
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:10 am
meh.
i like canada, but.. rather pointless article. i think i fell asleep a little while reading. since when does a “funny” wiki entry qualify here?
July 2nd, 2008 at 5:52 am
Can’ we show some northern hemisphere pride and just make fun of Australia. I mean for christ’s sake they eat vega-mite. Fucking Vegamite man
July 2nd, 2008 at 5:45 am
A puck is like a two dimensional ball
July 2nd, 2008 at 3:51 am
Nickleback is popular here???
First i’ve heard of it lol
July 2nd, 2008 at 3:36 am
“Hey, Canada. Thanks for Nickleback.
Assholes.”
The funny thing about Nickleback is that, despite having originated in Canada, they weren’t actually popular here until after they had exported themselves to the States.
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:11 am
I don’t know where people are getting the idea that pot is legal in canada but it’s not.
The feds made a move to start decriminalization for possession of an ounce or less a few years back but quickly put a stop to it so if u do come up thinking u can light up anywhere u better be careful lol
July 2nd, 2008 at 2:00 am
Hilarious!
I definitely plan on moving to Canada after college.
You… can smoke… weed… anywhere!!!
*salivates*
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:56 am
Soon we shall be the North American Union, and all will be swell.
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:41 am
It just occured to me that insulting another’s beer must be the oldest cross cultural jab still in use.
“Thou mead appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours!”
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:34 am
I’m all for Canada, might even move up there if the next election or two goes the wrong way, but what the fuck is up with Canada day?
I mean, isn’t it a little emasculating to hold your main national holiday 4 days before your southern neighbor’s, especially when your neighbor is commemerating kicking out the largest empire in the wolrd, an unprecidented act of national pride, and you’re commerorating…what again? The first official reach around from the crown? The invention of Poutine? You guys need a PR firm to come up with a good reason for this holiday stat or the rest of the world is gonna call have to shenanigans.
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:14 am
Things I learned while living in Canada:
1. Fabulous sense of humo(u)r. Why is it that so many comedians are from Up North? (Yeah, I know. Humo(u)r is subjective. But how can you argue the funny that is SCTV and even a bunch of SNL alums? (Not all, but certainly a goodly number, there.)
2. Never say “napkin” when you really want a serviette. Never. Especially if you are female. Either way, you’ll get funny looks.
3. It was mentioned in the article that Canadians’ accents aren’t as heavy as we make them out to be. The farther North, the heavier the accent. Especially in the Northwest. It’s a charming one, though. (Not going to mention Quebec (pronounced K’bec if you’re a Canadian). After all, they want their own country, anyway. Give it to ‘em, I say. Or not. Meh. None of my business, anyway.
4. It’s totally effin’ awesome to drive on a road marked with metres (meters) instead of miles–the number is bigger, and it looks like you’re going a LOT faster, legally. (And yeah–I might make “vroom vroom” noises when I drive, too. So what?)
5. How can you argue with the neatness of a country that uses such colo(u)rful money and calls their dollar coins “loonies?”
6. Happy Canada Day! Sure. Might be America Lite. It’s still an awesome country. Moose and bear taste good. So does Canadian bacon, whatever it is. Smarties, well. M & M’s taste better than those. And most Americans are going to argue what they are and why the hell am I comparing a tart candy that comes in rolls to M & M’s? Let them keep guessing. Did I say Happy Canada Day? Oh, yeah. Canada–you rock. (Even if Nickelback sucks. Rush is awesome, at least. And Neil Young.)
July 2nd, 2008 at 1:03 am
Too bad i have to drive 10 hours to get to the nearest location.
July 2nd, 2008 at 12:57 am
I’m Canadian, and I must say that Krispy Kreme donuts are far superior to timmies. period.
July 1st, 2008 at 11:51 pm
where did all these casnadians come from? There just pouring out of the woodwork I swear.
July 1st, 2008 at 11:43 pm
Collecting hair AND semen samples. …Wait, am I the only one doing that?
July 1st, 2008 at 11:41 pm
nice guardian picture. id say thats about the best thing to come out of canada (minus that whole legal weed thing…bastards..). congrats on the largest coastline thing too.
July 1st, 2008 at 11:37 pm
and milk in bags, damnit.
July 1st, 2008 at 11:35 pm
personally, i like canada because it is where i was born, not because of anything in particular that canada has to say for itself.
July 1st, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Canadian’s don’t add U’s to everything. American’s just take them out. Fucking couck-sucking americans…
July 1st, 2008 at 11:24 pm
I lived in Canada for a while. Nice place, kind of boring (New Brunswick is, at least). It’s much more exciting here in Israel.
I gained quite a bit of weight there, too. We didn’t have McDonalds at Ari’el and I find that it’s tasty in a weird way.
So yes: Lots of ocean, lots of peanut butter, and lots of fat people. Good times, good times.
July 1st, 2008 at 11:09 pm
Christopher Norton, your shitting yourself. Tim Hortons are the greatest donuts in the world, and i would know, because i once found my self in Canada, with little nourishment besides a bag of moose jerky, Tim Hortons, and the ever-abundant snow.
July 1st, 2008 at 11:06 pm
Who exactly fucking cares about how you spell “color/colour” anyways? While I may think it looks pretentious and stupid with the ‘u’ in there, it doesn’t make me hate entire countries or shake with fury when I see you spell it that way. Maybe I’m just too tolerant of differences for my own good!
Furthermore: complaining about spell-check? Are you fucking monkeys? How about… I don’t know… right click after the first time you type it and select “Add to Dictionary”?
Cracked.com never does fail to provide the ever-entertaining “America vs. People With Inferiority Complexes From Other Countries” debate in virtually every article released. This section seems to be a pretty decisive shift in the scoreboard towards the PWICFOC side of the tilt; what with shots like “If Canada is your hat then your face liek sucks!”… Wow.. I mean… I think it’s time to run up the white flag, guys. Just think, once we’ve surrendered, we can become part of the mob and pick a new country to compare everyone against! I was thinking we could all switch to France-hating (I know we already do, but officially, I mean).
July 1st, 2008 at 11:04 pm
I know for a fact that canoeman, despite being a smack-talking Canadian that owns a canoe that hasn’t been wet in a few years, could float that canoe in the amount of Budweiser he’s drunk over the years - and he’s picking on American beer!
July 1st, 2008 at 11:01 pm
In Canada, aluminium/aluminum, curb/kerb, tire/tyre are all more or less interchangeable. The only main ones you need to get right are colour, honour, neighbour, etc.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:56 pm
At least we don’t have a retarded president running our country.
(We have a Prime Minister with his head up his ass instead)
July 1st, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Hey, screw you guys. Celine Dion and Bryan Adams may be bullshit and all, but Canada gave us Nardwuar. And Sloane.
So lay off the Canucks, at least for today. Happy Canada Day, mo’fos.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:50 pm
Happy Canada Day….we’d have probably called our America Day, but our forefathers decided that Independence Day was much cooler. Or it was, before it was stolen for that crazy-ass movie. To the person who kept spelling it “aluminium”, YOU…ARE…WRONG!!! Only a complete facist douchbag would insist that the rest of the world pronounce it “alyoomineeum”. We don’t have the kind of free time you do. The same thing goes for adding all the extraneous “u”s to everything. I’m not a big sports fan, so hockey, football, and baseball all suck to high hell. Oh, and on a last note: Beer sucks no matter where it’s from! It all taste like moldy bread and the smell of cat piss! If you’re really so hung up on getting drunk, go for hard liquor, baby! Anyway, everyone enjoy their respective Independence Days! ^_^
July 1st, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Canada better not ignore me Lux, cause I will rain shock and awe (those are my fists) all over its ass. Canada is in for a major ass whooping by me and it cant duck it forever. Canada is always trying to get out of a fight, well not this time Mister. It’s time to pay the piper for Celine Dion, Bryan Adams, Canadian Bacon (It’s fucking HAM you psychos) and my alcohol addiction to Crown Royal. Canada will pay for this bullshit once and for all.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Top work, JT, deciding to resort to violence in the true American way.
Unfortunately for your rumble aspirations, most other Western societies have long since evolved beyond that. So i am confident that Canada will graciously ignore your offer of a fight.
July 1st, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Or is it a canoue?
July 1st, 2008 at 9:41 pm
American beer is like making love in a canoe…..It’s fucking close to water!!!
July 1st, 2008 at 9:32 pm
@Amieeke Don’t you have to trap the fur before you can trade it?
July 1st, 2008 at 9:28 pm
This was pretty funny, but really man….
If you’re gonna follow the “The Top (Number) Most/Least (Adjective) (Noun) Ever” model of blogging, you have, repeat HAVE to NUMBER THE LIST!
You can’t troll for the lowest common denominator and then pull the rug out on us by making us exert EFFORT in reading.
or at least BULLETS or something!!
July 1st, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Refusal to utilise the Queen’s English can result in suspension from Commonwealth. Instead of having supercool parties with countries like Australia, New Zealand, Namibia and Swaziland you will have to hang out with Fiji, Zimbabwe and the Federation of Rhodesia and Nyasaland - at least two of these countries will attempt a coup at some point during THAT particular party
You’re already on a slippery slope, Canada! Time to start putting those ‘u’s back where they belong.
July 1st, 2008 at 9:26 pm
Dear JT:
You Americans will never be able to take over Canada. We’ve spaced our cities out so cleverly you’ll never find them all. Also, you don’t trap fur, you trade fur.
Take off, eh.
July 1st, 2008 at 9:24 pm
everyone need to stop getting all mad over nothing and just calm the f down… also Canada is THE best place on earth (imo)
July 1st, 2008 at 8:48 pm
It’s the chump americans that dropped the ‘u’ from words, making writing with the spell check on in other countries a festival of fighting with the computer just to spell colour right. And don’t get me started on the whole ‘Z’ instead of ‘S’ thing, also it’s ‘zed’ not ‘zee’ ARGH!! now i need to lay down
July 1st, 2008 at 8:47 pm
argh… didn’t know my typing would convert to smileys ! Won’t be doing that again !
July 1st, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Happy Confederation Day!
For many people in Québec, though, it’s Moving Day ’cause the law stipulates apartment leases are one year long beginning July 1 and ending June 30. Good luck finding a truck for moving if you decide to not renew your lease ! It’s madness.
Anyway, had to get it off my chest
Article is funny, but I tend to think that whichever sport you settle down in front of the TV to watch is dreadfully boring no matter which it is. And hockey… eesh… the season, then the series, it’s just all too interminable… Does the league really need to have so many teams?! The only thought that comes to me when hockey is back on: *sobs* Someone kill me, please.
About the additional U in words’ spelling… I’m Canadian and I don’t spell it like that. Colour just doesn’t seem very phonetically correct in my brain probably because I’m French-speaking and I naturally recognize OU as the French OU, which sounds like OO - but I’m working on it, promise
Thanks for the entertainment.
-ibm
July 1st, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Well, what about Triumph? They’re pretty awesome too!
July 1st, 2008 at 8:17 pm
wow!! I thought a blogger to the U.,S was actually going to stand up for his country but I guess not…..obviuosly youb dont have the ‘balls” . Why dont you take your hockey hatin ass down to the U.S then you can really continue to talk down about canada, to build up your LOW self esteem…pathetic
July 1st, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Enjoyable article, Chris. Though I don’t know why you’re down on Hockey. It’s more fun to play than to watch, I admit, but it’s still a good sport.
July 1st, 2008 at 7:58 pm
“The only thing that sucks about Canada is Captain Canuck… what the hell does he even do?”
Has poutine for breakfast, KD and beer for lunch and beaver at night? (My superhero fantasy is a big “fuck you” to real abilities.)
Bucholz, you rapscallion, you. You forgot the HIV exception of East Vancouver.
And speaking of San Francisco… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8LKeWXXX18
July 1st, 2008 at 7:54 pm
[...] 15-reasons-canada-is-better-than-your-country/ [...]
July 1st, 2008 at 7:53 pm
Its true, we canadians are slowly taking over your country, but unlike the mexicans we look like you, except not so fat.
we are taking your jobs, fucking your women, but no way were drinking your shitty piss water beer.
soon when were ready. and the time is right were gonna all rise up, and ……… go get another beer from the fridge, and go sit down again and talk amongst ourselves, about how fucked you are and how were so smart……..eh. so watch it eh……..or else……..
July 1st, 2008 at 7:50 pm
I don’t understand, do you mean fucking anything or fucking anything, cause there is a big difference
July 1st, 2008 at 7:23 pm
It’s a pretty shitty article, yeah, but I think it’s funny how all the Americans start off with how Canada and the US are mostly equal (which I agree with), then begin insulting Canada. It’s like, “You Canadians think you’re so great, but us Americans do, too.” Touché! Well-substantiated. Yes, we are lesser because you dislike our beer, and you are lesser because we dislike your beer.
And, yes, hockey is boring, but so is every other fucking sport. At least you don’t have to pause every thirty seconds in hockey, though. Football and baseball are like, for obese people who can’t handle more than half a minute of straight “action”.
July 1st, 2008 at 7:10 pm
You forgot to mention the bagged milk thing
July 1st, 2008 at 7:04 pm
I live in Detroit, which is actually north of Canada. You know that Journey song where they yodel about “South Detroit”? That’s actually Windsor, Ontario. Here’s a few other facts:
Their beer is much better.
Their bacon is really ham, but you will not be able to convince them that they are wrong aboot that. Their other word for it? Peameal. I am not making that up.
If Don Cherry were elected Prime Minister or Grand Poobah or Earl or whatever the hell it is they elect people up there, I would move north in a heartbeat.
Their outward polite appearance hides a seething hatred of Americans, followed by another layer of politeness that feels terrible about the whole “hating” thing followed by sponge cake and a tasty cream filling.
July 1st, 2008 at 7:01 pm
I loves Kraft Dinner, hockey, the word eh and Tim Horton’s. Canada forever!
July 1st, 2008 at 7:00 pm
You guys may suck at sports but you Canadians are damn good at Lacrosse. Of course the Late Great George Carlin described the sport as a “Faggot college activity.” Still one of the better sports out there in my opinion.
July 1st, 2008 at 6:46 pm
To commenters: please don’t make fun of the USA; I’m a very sensitive man.
July 1st, 2008 at 6:46 pm
Marge: “It took the kids 20 minutes to find Canada on a map today”
Homer: “Oh Marge, anyone could miss Canada, all tucked away down there”
July 1st, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Two words for you: Celine Fucking Dion.
July 1st, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Canada are you going to accept my challenge to a fight, or are you going to run and hide behind your mommy the Queen of England? I got shit to do so hit me up on Twitter if we are going to rumble..
July 1st, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Canadians, either spell it ‘colour’ like the friggin’ language maintains, or bow down to your American oppressors, who constantly berate you at any given opportunity, and skip the ‘u’.
It’s colour, not color.
It’s our language you bastards speak, I’m sick of Microsoft Word telling me I’m spelling my own words wrong. Go speak Spanish then.
July 1st, 2008 at 6:02 pm
canada your “free” healthcare sucks and you know it.
July 1st, 2008 at 5:41 pm
I could do with out the timmy’s and hockey but I love the weed!
July 1st, 2008 at 5:37 pm
It’s hard to make out from where i’m standing… But what does that make Mexico? America’s wang? America’s the-less-talked-about-the-better tail?
July 1st, 2008 at 5:34 pm
We’re not wearing a hat, that’s a colostomy bag. Stop looking at our ass.
July 1st, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Yeah, Chris you are right on about hockey. The TSN (Toronto Sports Network) hockey panel annoys the hell out of me. And is there anything better than having an 82 year old woman as your overlord? I think not.
July 1st, 2008 at 5:07 pm
That’s a beautiful hat you’re wearing, America. Shame about your face.
July 1st, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Happy birthday, Canada. It’s such a great county that it’s almost never on the news round here (and the news round here isn’t interested in anything, unless it’s bloody, russian, has our name in it). Hooray!
July 1st, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Canada’a best sports may be hockey, curling, bobsled and skiing, none of which involve balls, but we’re also pretty good at lacrosse up here.
July 1st, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Happy Canada Day, baby. I love a country where civil disobedience is considered a perfectly reasonable way of expressing your opinion, and we found it absolutely hilarious when a crazy lady tried to break into the Prime Minister’s house.
Also, hockey does not suck. And I’m a Canucks fan, and we had a crappy season . . . I mean, a really crappy season. I mean . . . a really, really, really . . . *sobs*
But I still don’t think hockey sucks! It’s frustrating. It makes you feels trong homicidal urges towards Gary Bettman (but really, that would be justifiable homicide). It makes you quite used to seeing referees using a shovel to scrape blood off the ice. It makes you hold burning horrific hatred for Mike Keenan (again, perfectly logical). And . . . it’s wonderful, so there!
And “A” - you forgot Wolverine!
So. Happy Canada Day, even you Americans.
July 1st, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Hey JT, about that Hot American Lovin, f it’s anything like most American rock it’ll be 2 minutes long and a little on the whiney side.
HIYOOOOOO!
July 1st, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Reason No.16: Legalized prostitution!
Reason No.17: Government sanctioned injection sites!
Reason No.18: Age of consent…14!!!
Happy Canada Day, you fellow canuckleheads! Let’s show these American pussies how to legally shoot up with underage prostitutes!
July 1st, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Al MacInnis ? Chris Pronger? Who the hell are these people you are talking about, famous Canadian fur trappers?
Jesus, you Canadians are going to be easy to beat up. After I’m done giving your country a beating that will go down in infamy. I plan to mate with your hottest women. So make sure the two of them are ready for some Hot American lovin !!!
July 1st, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Were this man’s views on hockey made public here in Canada, he would be executed in the typical Canadian fashion, which is to block an Al MacInnis slapshot and then be stepped on by Chris Pronger. Fortunately for him, I am the only other Canadian with internet access, and am naturally too passively polite to act on the situation.
Also I am a Torontonian, and am used to hockey sucking hardcore in my city. If this statement reaches Montreal or Calgary then I feel sorry for you, hoser.
July 1st, 2008 at 4:28 pm
i guess canadians put u’s in things because they know how to fecking spell words in proper english..not the semi retarded ‘american’ english.
July 1st, 2008 at 4:26 pm
Hey if Canada has to apologise for Nickleback America should at least apologise for the entire 80s.
July 1st, 2008 at 4:19 pm
But for the record, we are very sorry about Nickleback. So very, very sorry!!! Trust me, I’d like to beat them even worse than any of you.
July 1st, 2008 at 4:18 pm
fark canadian beer must be bad if americans think its shit
July 1st, 2008 at 4:16 pm
If Canada is “America’s hat” then it wouldn’t be the first time anyone’s hated a douchebag with a really cool hat! Any “American” that says Canadian beer sucks must have the alcohol tolerance of a girl scout!
July 1st, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Man I would near about give up one of my children for Canada or Casnadia to have been named Mrs. Shortcockland.
Happy Mrs.Shortcockland Day guys!!!!!!!!!
July 1st, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Canada….canada..can…a..da. Nope, sorry—never heard of it.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:42 pm
If I had a time machine I would go back in time to somehow stop Canadian Independence thus hopefully stopping Nickelback from making Photograph, which as we all know is the worst collection of sound ever shat upon a sound medium.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:26 pm
as a person who lives 20 minutes from canada, im gonna have to say canadians are only good for beer and fights at hockey games when toronto comes down to buffalo to play, you silly canadian.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:14 pm
BingoThreat: That may be. But I wasnt in the fight that time. Now I’m pissed and challenge all of Canada to Fisticuffs. I will beat your country like it owes me money.
This time…………..Its personal.
July 1st, 2008 at 3:06 pm
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=meLpuF9UMvk
July 1st, 2008 at 3:00 pm
I hope a hockey player beats the shit out of you…
July 1st, 2008 at 2:56 pm
JT: obviously you don’t know what happened when canada and the u.s. fought before. You guys lost.
July 1st, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Canada sucks ass!!!
July 1st, 2008 at 2:46 pm
I’m Canadian and I drop the U… its fucking retarded to make me move my finger one more time for shit like “color”.
Also, as a real Canadian, I would like to point out that America can totally have Toronto, we fucking hate that place. Ever been to Lester B. Pearson airport? Avoid it.
And come on Bucholz, playoff hockey, if no other hockey during the year, is exciting as hell to watch. I just wish we had a modern day Ron Hextall in the league.
July 1st, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Canada is America’s hat.
July 1st, 2008 at 2:35 pm
HA! I’m a hot air balloon pilot!
July 1st, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Hey, Canada. Thanks for Nickleback.
Assholes.
July 1st, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Happy Canada day to all of our fellow Canadians!