15 Real Sex Toys That Will Give You Nightmares

#7. Butt Locks


You'll notice very quickly that this looks almost exactly like a trailer hitch. And then you'll think of what this article is about and be horrified, even though your mind hasn't fully worked out the logistics yet. You just know that a trailer hitch sex toy is probably wrong in some way. And you'd be right. You'd be right.

What's that? You expect more from me? Well, since you insist -- yes, you loop the round part over your junk, spin that sucker back and then the hitch goes in your hiney. All of this presumably happens while you are conscious and not in an Eli Roth film.

Fun Website Quote: Most Popular.

#6. This Thing


At first glance, this appears to be little more than the rubber embodiment of nightmares and puckered anus molded into tiki form. Who wouldn't be turned on by such a thing? The answer is "everyone." Everyone should be disgusted by this, because gross. Seriously. It'd be like humping a Pokemon character that has a penis for a tail. Don't do that.

Fun Website Quote: We can make this item in all of the following Jelly Colors: Bubble Gum Pearl

#5. Permanent Plug/Showerhead


Tired of the way your cavernous, merciless ass always destroys butt plugs? Aren't we all. Thankfully, this aluminum plug is meant to withstand your asstruction, but it doesn't even end there. Read the description and you'll learn two horrible facts:

1. You can remove the center and, through a series of curious muscle contractions, crap through this thing.

2. You can then attach a shower hose to clean yourself out and possibly explode your insides.

If this doesn't amuse you in any way, you can also make use of this terrifying thing that was purposely modeled after a medieval torture device:

Fun Website Quote: Insertable Length: 4.5 in

#4. Latex Vac Bed


The closest you'll ever get to being frozen in carbonite like Han Solo while Boba Fett watches and masturbates, this thing is a bed with two sheets of thick latex that can be vacuum sealed around you. Finally, the sexual thrill of being a supermarket pork chop can be yours.

Because the makers of sex toys are responsible, they recommend ensuring that the person in the bed can breathe before you seal them in, because they're so going to die if you don't.

Fun Website Quote: Never use this device for self-bondage.

#3. Bunny Hood


I don't know what sexual fetish this represents, beyond an unwholesome infatuation with bunnies, which is the sort of shit that gets people from Florida on the news. But if you're in the mood to maybe costume some characters in your Saw knockoff, or get people to leave your dinner party early, it may be a multipurpose sort of thing. I bet the inside always smells like teardrops and mischief.

Fun Website Quote: This animal face hood is hand crafted from premium garment leather by highly skilled seamstresses.

#2. Artificial Hymen


I read the description for this about three times in a row. It's like watching that scene in Ghost Rider 2 when Nick Cage is riding his motorcycle and trying to fight off becoming the Ghost Rider -- it just stuns you with its insanity, and you're suddenly enraptured.

If you can't tell from the wooden box, this is a fake hymen. The broken English on the site assures me that this is some kind of cellulose vagina plug that will quickly dissolve and leave you airtight once it's in place. Plus it lets you know that if you act shy and lay in a position that makes it hard for the man to get in, you'll really sell the lie. And they named it after Joan of Arc. So there's that.

Fun Website Quote: Implantation must act fast to avoid sticky fingers in the lead up.

#1. Anal Ring Toss


And finally we come to the entry that we felt we couldn't show you in any non-illustrated format, both because the images of it are too horrible and I figured everyone would rather see my party-robot doing this to Gladstone. I like to imagine that the sales pitch in the 80s toy commercial went something like this: "Hey kids, tired of all those old, boring party games? Does pin the tail on the donkey make you wonky? Is bobbing for apples appalling? Are lawn darts giving you long farts? That last one didn't make sense, and it doesn't need to, thanks to anal ring toss! Just jam the plastic rod up someone else's ass and throw rings at it. That's literally the entire point of this thing! Throwing rings at a plastic rod jammed in someone else's ass! Get yours today!"

Fun Website Quote: You score when your yellow ring successfully lands around the scoring pole in the goalie's bum.

For more from Ian, check out 18 More of the World's Most Disturbing Sex Toys and The 25 Most Disturbing Sex Toys.

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Ian Fortey

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