14 Things Even An Idiot Like You Can Do To Save The World

I've regularly given advice here on Cracked that has inadvertently made the world a worse place. Also sometimes advertently. Sometimes very advertently.

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"PUT DOWN THE WORD PROCESSOR. NO ONE ELSE NEEDS TO DIE."

And that's bad. I feel bad about that. As I understand it, that's all I'm required to do in this situation, but I want to do more. So, using an elaborate series of lies, I assembled a crack team of kind people and drilled them for information on how to make the world a better place. Although a lot of their advice was the same -- "Who are you? Why won't you let us go?" -- they did provide a few useful insights. After trying their guidance out for myself and smoothing over some of the impractical bits, I'm happy to report my results to you here.

#14. Be Nice To People

Seems easy enough. Just be a little bit nicer and more understanding to every single person who crosses your path. Yeah, a lot of them won't appreciate it, and many will perceive you as weak and spit in your hair.

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But many won't! They'll thank you generously and stroke your hair in kindness, and the world will be marginally better.

#13. Recycle Your Lightbulbs

Modern CFL lightbulbs contain a small portion of mercury, which is highly toxic. Even in small amounts it's capable of doing significant damage to the environment.

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Please, please stop dumping them at the playground.

So make sure to recycle all of your old CFLs. Also, try to remind everyone you know to do the same, to the point of annoying them a little bit. That's a common theme I discovered in how the world really gets better. The hard work of kind, irritating people.

#12. Compost The Dead

As opposed to lightbulbs, our bodies are full of valuable nutrients and cool bones that can be helpful to the environment. It's wasteful to lock those up in a little wooden box when we die, and most environmentalists and priests agree that we should instead request that our bodies be ground into a paste and spread over farms instead.

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"I literally told you the exact opposite of that."

If that's too much of a long play for you, you can speed up the process by asking around your neighborhood to see if anyone has any dead bodies that need mulching. A great way to get to know your neighbors (present and passed) while greening up everyone's lawns.

#11. Wear A Sweater

We spend a ridiculous amount of energy heating our houses in the winter, when all we really need to do is to heat ourselves. Put on a sweater! A planet will thank you. Probably this one.

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"Looks great on you!" -Mars

Likewise, in the summer when your A/C gets too cool, don't open the doors of your house to let in some heat. That's wasteful. Just put on a sweater.

#10. Collect All The Dry Tinder From Your Land

If you're in one of the parts of the world experiencing a record drought right now, you're probably aware that wildfire risks have never been higher.

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You might not be aware, actually. It's kind of an outside-person problem.

By collecting any dry tinder from the back corners of the massive plot of land that you -- and indeed all Cracked readers -- own, you'll do your part to protect your neighborhood, the most important part of the world.

#9. Stop Going To The Bathroom In Your Yard

Much like your corpse, your poop contains valuable nutrients that can enrich plants and grasses, which is why we've all been trained from birth to poop in the yard. But human feces also contain pathogens that can spread disease. Many also find its odor distasteful.

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Like, for example, this albino.

Consider going to the bathroom in the bathroom instead. Failing that, consider using the garbage can, an open manhole, or train your body to fire your waste directly into space.

#8. Pile All Your Dry Tinder Around The Homes Of The Wicked

Do you know anyone evil? Anyone who schemes and plots and spies on their neighbors' yard-bathroom activities? That's exactly the kind of anti-civil behavior the new and better world we're trying to forge cannot tolerate, and all will clap and rejoice when those traitors perish in the flames.

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You can't spell "mob justice" without "justice."

As an added bonus, this kind of community-based retribution can help bring people together. When gathered around the righteousness-pyre, take the time to get to know the people complicit in your world-bettering. This will not only help forge a community spirit, it will let you all establish mutual alibis in case the world-betterment-refusing authorities come knocking.

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Chris Bucholz

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