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Previously, I've done my best to explain the story behind some simply baffling stock photo genres. Now we enter round two, because stock photos will never stop being ridiculous and/or confusing.

Boxing Is Serious Business ...

... because the big merger is happening during the big fight.

... because I didn't know I'd be boxing today.

Boxing Is Serious Business Casual ...

... because it's Friday and we have such a cool boss!

... because I knew I'd be boxing today.

... because it's any day of the week and I've sort of checked out at work lately.

Hey, What's That All the Way Over Right in Front of Me?

... I don't know, because these binoculars made the very nearby thing look way too big.

... It's my computer! And I know that because I'm holding it, not because of these binoculars.

... My computer, and I only know that because of these binoculars. Thank God for these binoculars.

... Anything, thanks to the power of imagination! Cherish humanity's ability to imagine!

This Is the Saddest Poop I've Ever Had ...

... because I forgot that one is supposed to take off one's pants and underpants before pooping.

... because this morning I ate my beloved childhood pet, so now I am pooping it out.

... because I was on the toilet, pooping, then I punched some glue, and then suddenly I became pensive. I have since finished pooping, and I can't use my hands for wiping because they're stuck to my face. How will I wipe the poop from my butt without the use of these hands of mine? Oh, bother.

In My Professional Medical Opinion, I'll Catch That Rabbit if It's the Last Thing I Do ...

... because it killed my family.

... and you should seek a second opinion.

Now Let's Poison This Rabbit ...

... because I already took the time to catch it. Might as well do something, ya know?

... because I'm a bad doctor.

... because I'm a good doctor but a bad person.

"Bark Bark Click Bark Woof!"

... because I have your television pointer, human. Fear me, for I am speaking, yet I am many dogs.

... because I am a human in an unbelievably lifelike dog costume and, yes, I'm watching TV right now. I work all day, let me watch a fucking second of goddamn anything.

... because I'm the main character of 2015's Look Who's Talking on Other Channels. I'm played by Willem Dafoe, so hi, I'm Willem Dafoe, and I'm in this seriously unbelievably lifelike dog costume. Be sure to see me and a female cast member as Metch and Twong, two lazy dogs who are pretty dumb, even for dogs. One prefers wagging and the other prefers panting, and by the end we realize that neither of those things matters in the long run due to the futility of life, especially if you're a dog. Don't check it out if you get bummed easily. Definitely check it out if you want to see some seriously revolutionary costuming going on.

... because I'm just sitting here, waiting for Barking Bad to come back.

This Desk Gives the Absolute Best Blowjobs ...

... because it's from Ikea, and the Swedish are a famously blowjobby people.

... because it just does. Leave me alone, I'm about to cum.

This Desk Is Mediocre at Cunnilingus ...

... I mean, you're doing fine, desk. Promise.

... Seriously, good effort.

... Don't worry about it, desk, I'm just tired. It feels good, I'm just ... tired.

... because it's just a desk.

Pregnant Women Keep Themselves Busy With One or More Balloons ...

... because this balloon shall be my baby until my true baby is born. Sure, I may be crazy, but at least I'm crazy.

... because I'm sensitive about my weight and I just saw the movie Up.

... because this way I can practice for the baby coming by taking care of the balloon! I just wanna be a good mom!

... because this way I can practice for the baby coming by popping a balloon! I wanna pop my baby!

Women and Children Love Not Quite Biting into Uncomfortably Large Pieces of Watermelon ...

... because once the watermelon is cut into normal-sized pieces, they will actually bite the watermelon. They're just practicing right now, before it's cut, because what if they mess up and everyone sees? Won't that be embarrassing?

... because this is no way to eat a watermelon, and that fact really amuses them. They're just a bunch of jokesters, jokin' around.

... because women and children can do what they want, I guess, but adult men don't mess around when eating watermelon. They cut that shit into smaller pieces and straight up bite into it, yo.

One Way or Another, I Will Fuck This Computer ...

... because you'll see. You'll all see.

One Way or Another, I Will Fuck This Human ...

... 01100010011001010110001101100001011101010111001101100101 011110010110111101110101001001110110110001101100 011100110110010101100101. 010110010110111101110101001001110110110001101100 010000010100110001001100 011100110110010101100101.

This Other Thing Also Involving Watermelons ...

... because.

Find Cody Johnston on social networking sites like Twitter and Tumblr by Googling for it, or by clicking on the words "Twitter" and "Tumblr" earlier in this sentence.

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