Unless of course youre one of the Archie fans who has, according to this article apparently written by Jughead himself, been "clamoring" for such a wild tale of non-threatening coming of age in an increasingly anachronistic version of the 1950s. Except, you know, not so racy.
And despite the potential for confused threesomes between Arch, Veronica, and Blondie (Or is it Dagwood?), I doubt that me and the Clamoring Archie fan in question would get along very well. Mainly because I assume a lot of things about his physical appearance and manner, which kind of makes me a dick.
And what else have the countless Archie fans been clamoring for? The environment, naturally, which is why the Archie prequel issues will be printed entirely on recycled paper. This creates two distinct advantages: Archie and the Gangs raging acne wont be nearly as noticeable through chunks of embedded wood grain, and if you accidentally use the pages to wipe your ass, no harm no foul.
Of course, you run the risk of offending ace Archie writer Batton Lash, who also penned the homoerotic rape fantasy comic Archie Meets the Punisher in 1994, but didnt have sense enough to kill Archie off in a whips and chains malfunction.
Hes The Punisher, Batton. He kills everyone. Yet this gang of Riverdale punks outflanks him? Thats not my Frank Castle. My Frank Castle is still tormented by memories of rooting elbow-deep through Jellybean's entrails looking for a key of Colombian blow.
Hey! Lets do this now!
Batton Lash, I know you read the blog, because the entire plotline of the Archie Goes to a Dance issue was ripped off from my post about Shia LeBouffs arrest. Put no less than three of the above points into the Archie prequels, and all is forgiven.
Although I wont be reading them, so if you do, write and let me know.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael avenges the murder of his family as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!