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13 Useful Keyboard Shortcuts For the Insane Workplace

Whoops: F7

On many word processors, this key launches Spell Check, but in our content management system, it's Save and Publish. This has caused more than a few problems for us, and we're definitely going to look in to carrekting this some day.

Fire Alarm: Alt-=

Enough fires have broken out at the Cracked offices that we've got pretty rigorous fire-monitoring programs in place, including keyboard shortcuts on all computers which Cracked staffers are taught to hit as soon as they detect smoke. This causes a warning to flash across all computers in the building warning us of the danger, who is reporting it, and a note reminding the immature that whoever smelt it may not necessarily have dealt it.

Swordfish: Ctrl-Alt-Insert

Lets any Cracked user hack into any Cracked computer. Very useful for tomfoolery, as well as for clearing the popup Fire Alarm warning from the mainframe, so as to better ignore it; our typical response, given management's policy that all evacuations count as unpaid leave.

A Second, Smarter Opinion: Alt-Shift-L

Immediately cuts and pastes whatever we're working on in to an email to our legal counsel, with the subject line: "Holy Shit Tammy, please say we can do this."

Learn Kung Fu: NumLock-ScrollLock-7

Our number one IT request for 5 years running is for them to implement a feature like in the Matrix, where we could learn skills with the help of a comfortable chair and a zip drive. This has turned out to be just shy of completely impossible, and while the job ticket remains open, the only workaround IT has implemented so far is a shortcut key which plays an animated gif of a penguin slapping another penguin.

The reason we need Kung Fu skills so badly is because of the number of times the social order breaks down around here; as it often does, for example, during one of our many uncontrolled fires. With all of the doors locked to discourage truancy, things can get a little bit like the more troubling scenes from Titanic around here, what with the screams and the pushing and the weeping Irish families. It turns out that some knowledge about self-defense comes in handy when attacking people unprovoked.

The Bat Signal: Ctrl-Tab-Backslash

Thanks to an unhealthy interest in all things Batman, and three thousand dollars left to us by a wealthy uncle, the Cracked office purchased the original Bat Signal from the 1960's television show at auction. And, because we are either the cause of, or the victims of most crimes in our area, all staffers have the ability to turn it on, by pressing Ctrl-Tab-Backslash on their terminal. Batman, to date, has not arrived to assist us, although one time Val Kilmer did come by to drop off his resume and some pitches he'd been working on (they were just ok.) Thankfully though, the fire department knows what it means, and will typically get around to us in ten minutes or so - longer if they're trying to teach us a lesson, which I'm hoping they're not today.

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Check out more from Bucholz in How to Abuse Your Customers And Pass It Off As 'Marketing' and 8 Ways To Control Your Dreams: Plan Ahead, Bring a Machete.

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Chris Bucholz

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