On some level, you know that when your grandma was young she probably got drunk and had sex with three guys in the back of an El Camino in the parking lot of a Dairy Queen. Yet if you saw a photo of it, you'd never quite think of her the same way. Well, famous people manage their image way more carefully than your grandma, so it really freaks us out to see them as they actually are (I would know -- because of that book I wrote, I can't leave the house without my famous "penis spider" costume). Well, hang on to your asses, because ...
13This Was "Macho Man" Randy Savage
Celebrities age weird. Did you know that Samuel L. Jackson is 64 years old? Or that William Shatner is 82? You just kind of put it out of your mind -- the idea of Samuel L. Jackson lining up for Senior Citizen's Night at Golden Corral Buffet just doesn't register. Even more so when said celebrity made his living as a real-world cartoon character:
Not pictured: OOOOOHHH YEAAAHHH!
Sure, you are vaguely aware that "Macho Man" Randy Savage had been doing that bit for a long time (he won his first belt in the WWF way back in 1986), so you had to know that even though he looked exactly the same in those Slim Jim commercials, there was an aging man under those sunglasses. But then when he passed away a couple of years ago, pics started to emerge of the man without the hat, wig, and beard dye. And he looked like your uncle:
"OK, you can have one beer, but you'd better not tell your dad I let you have it."
And then you almost feel silly -- did we actually think that ridiculous costume was just what he looked like? But it's hard to picture him as anything other than Macho Man -- that was all we knew. Even if, not too many years before Macho Man was born, Randy Poffo (yes, that's his real name) was a mild-mannered baseball player who looked like this:
"OOOHHHH ... yeah?"
So let me ask you this: If you could go back in time to meet that outfielder for the Cincinnati Reds at age 19 and show him this picture ...
... and say, "This is you ... FROM THE FUTURE!" do you think he'd be surprised? Do you think you'd be surprised at a picture of yourself from 10 years from now? Because it might be just as different. For example ...
12Osama bin Laden Is Somewhere in This Photo
Tell us that isn't the 1960s-est goddamned photo you've ever seen (even if it was taken in 1971). It's a big family in mod clothes, piled on a convertible pink Caddie in a fashionable shopping district in Europe.
Hmmm ... who's that boy near the end?
It's the dude from That '70s Show!
Why, that would be the 15-year-old face of unspeakable evil. That photo depicts a gathering of the bin Laden family on a shopping trip to Sweden. Just eight years after that photo was taken, Osama would join Muslim guerrillas in fighting the Soviet army in Afghanistan. About 10 years after that, he would form al-Qaida; about 12 years after that, at age 44, the 9/11 attacks would occur.
This is my point -- you teenagers and 20-somethings out there, that is how little you will recognize yourself by the time you hit your 40s. From rich, teenage high school soccer fan on a shopping trip in Europe to murderous crazy person chuckling on video at the thought of 3,000 people burning to death, doomed to be hunted like a dog by the most powerful military on earth.
All of you will become terrorists, is what I'm saying.
And while we're doing the "Who could have guessed where they'd end up?" thing ...