#6. Brad Pitting
Much like tea-bagging or pegging, Brad Pitting is a sex act that ends in "ing." But that's about it. In order to engage in Brad Pitting, you have to rely on your flawless features and physique coupled with your selfless devotion to your partner and 900 kids to spontaneously induce orgasm. So basically you have to be Brad Pitt. Not very helpful. Sorry. Moving on.
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#5. Rip Torn
Violent. Filthy. And illegal in most states.
#4. Dinklaging Peter
This is basically just oral sex. But with a little person. That's it. So, yeah, even though it's named after the popular Game of Thrones star, no one has to get disemboweled or beheaded in the performance of this act. You just dinklage some peter. Important: This sex act is not to be confused with Petering Some Dinklage, which is fucking while beheading and disemboweling your partner.
#3. Daniel Toshing
Daniel Toshing is all the rage with the kids today, but it's highly dependent on porn as foreplay. It seems without good video fodder this sex act has nothing to offer. First watch selected clips with your partner until she's entertained by media that has nothing to do with your abilities. Then proceed to have sex with her in a way that adds little value beyond the porn you've just watched. But if you really want to excel at Daniel Toshing your partner, be sure to wish gang rape on her after she complains about your lackluster performance.
Stu Forster/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
This is what came up when I searched Daniel Tosh in our Getty library. That's OK. I don't really need to see Tosh that badly.
#2. The Tie That Amanda Bynes
This sex act involves a group of friends getting your partner to seek professional help, because murdered vagina jokes are too easy.
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Joke deleted due to decency.
#1. Going Full-On Shyamalan
I know what you're thinking. This is a sex act with a big twist ending. Some shocker. Well, that sounds more like The Crying Game than The Sixth Sense. No. Going Full-On Shyamalan is a sex act where you pull out all the stops during your very first intercourse, giving your partner a deep craving for more sex that is never, ever anywhere as good.
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"I like it, but what if just before I turn you off sex, in a big twist, I'm suddenly good at sex again?!"
Watch the penultimate Hate by Numbers. That means second to last. Gladstone's about to put the show on indefinite sabbatical.