As a writer, I like to think I have my finger on the pulse of the people, and if there's one thing people are tired of these days, it's sex, right? I mean, seriously, YAWN. Your junk goes in their fun spot and you moan and repeat and count to 10 until it's all over. (At least this is how Adam Tod Brown explained sex to me. I'm not sure. I've never kissed a girl.) Anyway, I know the world is tired of sex, but y'know what it can't get enough of? CELEBRITIES!
That got me thinking. Is there a way to combine sex and celebrities? I mean besides a sex tape. What if, I wondered, I wrote a book laying out all-new sexy, sexy, sex positions and named those positions after a bunch of famous people? I mean, we need some new sex positions. Reverse Cowgirl, 69, Doggy Style ... it's all old school, but we here at Cracked are hip! That's why I was able to convince Jack O'Brien to personally fund my new book: The Big Book of Celebrity Sex Positions.
Here's a sampling. Enjoy!
#12. The Channing Tatum
This sexy move is sure to please. After all, what's sexier than channing some tatum, if you know what I mean? Oh, you don't know what I mean? Well, the Channing Tatum is a sex act for two people. Prior to intercourse, have everyone you know tell your partner that you're the next big thing. Then have sex with her in a manner that will leave her unable to remember anything about your performance.
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Close your eyes for five seconds. Still remember what he looks like?
#11. Nicki Minaj a Trois
The Nicki Minaj a Trois sounds like a sex act made for a threesome, but it's not. Actually, it's a form of masturbation. All you need to perform the Nicki Minaj a Trois is a Banana Republic changing room. Take to the changing stand and visualize yourself in the three mirrors. Then proceed to masturbate over how insanely wonderful you think you are. Of course, achieving orgasm will require you to ignore and even be dismissive of others more impressive than you, but with determination your fake eyelashes will be covered in sexual discharge in no time!
Someone's on their way to an orgasm!
#10. Stephen Hawking
Wanna try Stephen Hawking? First get a tracheotomy. Then buy one of those cool devices you can hold to your throat that provides the gift of speech for people with tracheotomies. Then talk your partner off in a cool robot voice. Only the truly impressive and brilliant linguist is able to induce orgasm via Stephen Hawking. See also, Hawking Off, p. 24.
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You're welcome, Professor Hawking.
#9. A Zooeyjob
Basically just a beej with a ukelele.
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#8. Oh, in Wilson
Just like it sounds like, the "Oh, in Wilson" is named after perennial cutesy nice guy Owen Wilson. In this act, it's important to surprise your partner with a sudden entry. Also, for the purposes of the act, you refer to your partner as "Wilson" upon entering to make the pun work. Note: Only the moment of penetration is a surprise, not the act of sex itself, as that would be kind of rapey and more appropriately referred to as the Fatty Arbuckle.
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"So this entry's not really about me? Just a pun. Hey, how about one about 'Ben Fill-Her'?!"
#7. Pulling a Judd Apatow
The Judd Apatow takes a lot of planning. First get your Jewish guy friends together. Then film them having sex with your wife.
What are friends for?