#5 - #4. Bill Paxton and Bill Pullman
Well, it's easy to see where this one comes from: It's all in the name, isn't it? Bill Last-Name-Starts-With-a-P. Seems like a pretty basic thing to get confused about, though: It's not like they're both middle-of-the-road white guys with dignified crow's feet and sandy hair who frequently star as heroic everymen ...
Hmm, all right. There's more to it than the name. But you can separate by role here, too: Pullman is the boring one. He plays the straight man. Paxton is the crazy guy, playing all the wackier parts that need some white bread stuffed up in 'em. Pullman was the president from Independence Day; Paxton was the panicky Game Over marine from Aliens. So quick: Who played the goofy Han Solo parody in Spaceballs? Paxton, right? Or shit, was it Pullman? You know what? I think it was actually Face from The A-Team:
Now, who played the generic American science-hero in Twister? Pullman, has to be. There was nothing zany about that role, and Paxton is too panicky and sweaty for a respectable hero type. Wait, no, was it Paxton? Scary Movie 4? Now that's all Paxton, baby. Pullman has way too much dignity to star alongside a Wayans brother. Wrong again? Well damn. Here's an easy one: Which one was in that Apollo space movie? Sounds like a serious, dignified flick. Probably Pullman.
OK, you guys are just fucking with us now.
#3 - #1. Guy Fieri and Smash Mouth Are Both Sammy Hagar
Look, if Guy Fieri were a band, he'd be Smash Mouth. Inside all of us, there's a strange little flicker of intelligence dedicated to knowing just and only that fact. If Smash Mouth were a show, it would be Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. If Guy Fieri were a song, he'd be "All Star." They're both chubby white guys in loud shirts with frosted tips and elaborate sunglasses. You know just from looking at them that they're both way into convertibles and chillaxing, and they obviously own hammocks instead of couches. That's the kind of guys they are: It's like they both saw that Rodney Dangerfield movie about college and decided that was it for them -- that's who they're going to be. Forever. They're a vintage kind of bro they just don't make anymore; they're throwbacks to a bygone era. They're bro-backs.
But there was a progenitor to the bro-back who is not often credited. There is Sammy Hagar:
Slightly different hair, but same frosted tips, same posture, same attitude. He's the exact same loudmouthed, perpetually be-sunglassed stocky dude that you can tell at a glance must smell like Bud-sweat and taco shells. Clearly, Guy Fieri and Sammy Smash Mouth were both huge post-Roth Van Halen fans (making them literally the only ones on Earth, including Hagar himself; he knows what he did). It's like they both went to their personal stylist on the same day, sat down in chairs beside one another, and simultaneously said "Just give me the Hagar!" At which point they swiveled to face one another with giant smiles, and have been inseparable ever since.
See that? That's Smash Mouth's new cookbook, featuring Guy Fieri! What? Why is Smash Mouth a cookbook now? Didn't they used to be a band? A band best known for their feel-good brand of chubby Southern Californian rock and roll, and not their kickin' chili recipes? Well not anymore: The band that did "Walkin' on the Sun" just accidentally put out a cookbook, because even Smash Mouth and Fieri have forgotten the fine line that separates them. It's just another side effect of the indefinable bond that links them inexorably together via the Brososphere for all eternity.
Don't laugh. The Brososphere is totally a thing. Everybody knows that. It links all bros into a single hivemind.
Don't believe me? Then explain the name that appears halfway down that Amazon page. Directly after Fieri. Yep. Look who else is in this cookbook: another musician who has absolutely nothing to do with the culinary arts, and therefore has no legitimate reason to be making guest appearances in recipe collections ...
If you read this book while listening to Nickelback, you'd probably create some kind of bro singularity and be instantly compressed into a single particle of supermatter as dense as a billion containers of Extreme Hold Hair Gel. The resulting explosion would be so bright, you'd need a million pairs of red-and-chrome sunglasses just to keep from being blinded, and the deafening shock wave that followed would be louder than all the Hawaiian shirts on Earth.
Buy Robert's stunning, transcendental, orgasmic science fiction novel, Rx: A Tale of Electronegativity, right here. Or buy Robert's other (pretty OK) book, Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead. Follow him on Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook.
For more from Brockway, check out 5 Most Terrifyingly Homoerotic Japanese Music Videos and The 8 Manliest Foreign Movie Posters Ever.