Have you ever paid attention to Google's autocomplete feature? If you have, you've probably noticed how fond it is of feeding you maniac queries that seem less like valid suggestions and more like something a coked-up True Detective character might scream at the unforgiving skies. Surely no one ever searches for "I accidentally slept with my mom" or "Wolves are taking all our women," but that doesn't stop Google from dropping such serial-killery lines on its users like there's no tomorrow. It's time we stop taking this lying down and go on offense. Come, friends -- let's see what questions this autocomplete creature thinks we want to ask ... and find ourselves some goddamned answers.
12"Does it help w ...?"
See, this is exactly what I'm talking about. In the middle of perfectly valid queries about medication and its effects, autocomplete busts out an alternative approach and innocently suggests that people look into treating open wounds by eschewing disinfectants and Band-Aids. Instead, why not jam your hound all up in that wound? Heh, that joke would be better if those words rhymed. Stupid English.
Rafael Utrera / EyeEm/EyeEm/Getty Images
"Yo, Rusty! Come here, boy; it's hygiene time!"
To be fair, dogs do lick their own wounds and will totally lick yours if you let them. I'm generously choosing to assume this is because they want to help, instead of surreptitiously trying to find out what your interiors taste like. But while dog saliva does have certain antibacterial properties, and some people totally let dogs lick their wounds because of this, I'd like to offer a counterpoint: Holy screaming shitnozzles, please don't ever do that. Your dog was also just licking his crusty sack.
Sure, you might be fine. Then again, you might also get meningitis. Or acute renal failure. Or a nasty-ass infection that requires several surgical interventions. Or you might just straight-up die.
What I'm saying is: Invest in Bactine. At least that way you can be sure your first-aid kit hasn't just spent 15 minutes gargling poop before making contact with your bloodstream.
11"Aren't you r ...?"
This is a golem:
Transit Film/Elite Entertainment
This is a Richard Simmons:
Harry Langdon/Archive Photos/Getty Images
Is this ... a hair thing? Are you making snide commentary of my hair, Google? I'll Google the exact location of your face and punch you right in it; see if I don't.
Though, to answer your question (which, in all fairness, probably makes an appearance because it's a quote from Dustin Hoffman's character in Stranger Than Fiction), no, I'm not relieved that I'm not a golem. I think I'd rather enjoy being one. And now, thanks to their unexpected autocomplete link, I suspect that Richard Simmons might secretly be one, and now I'm kind of jealous of that perma-permed spandex fuck. Not for any physical reason. I like not being made of turkey jerky and sequins, but if he's an emotionless killing automaton, I want in. See what you've done to me, Google? Hope you feel bad about yourself.