We always knew there was something not right about people eating mushrooms, leaping at gold coins the size of their body and putting on raccoon costumes in order to fly, but with the release of the DSM-VG, psychiatric medicine has finally caught up to the horrors of the virtual world.
Now, doctors can at last get these characters the help they so badly need.
This entry was posted on Monday, March 23rd, 2009 at 3:00 am and is filed under Nintendo, Sega, Video Games, insanity. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
How I Spent My Summer Vacation, By Michael Swaim (Age 24)
The Funniest Comedic Failure in the History of YouTube
Hollywood Gives Up: Keanu Reeves to Play Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde
The 5 Most Likely Ways Humans Will Become Obsolete
Sound and Fury or, The Day Nothing Happened
Gaming News Extravaganza!
The Future of Rhythm Games and The Final (Television Entertainment) Solution: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
Guitar Hero News You Had No Way of Possibly Predicting
5 Lessons American TV Should Learn From Japanese Game Shows
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
October 8th, 2009 at 10:58 am
haha! I was laughing soo much at this article!!
I think SWAIM is the BEST writer on cracked xD
September 22nd, 2009 at 5:41 pm
where’s donkey kong for some form of retardation, or Scorpion/Sub-Zero for sociopathic related murders.
September 20th, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Ash isn’t even a video game character D:
Methinks you’re confusing him with Red.
September 14th, 2009 at 3:17 am
[...] 12 Video Game Characters With Undiagnosed Mental Disorders — I happen to agree with all these diagnoses. Very fitting for the characters. [...]
August 26th, 2009 at 8:36 am
In Zeiten von massenhaft Websitenmüll im Internet eine sehr gut aufgebaute Website, nicht überdimensioniertes Design und sehr gut recher-schierte Hintergrundinformationen.
May 28th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
[...] 12 Video Game Characters With Undiagnosed Mental Disorders | Cracked haha! alright, i’m a major cloud fangirl but really… the guy has quite a bit more problems to work out than just schizoid personality disorder. [...]
May 23rd, 2009 at 9:21 pm
haha! alright, i’m a major cloud fangirl but really… the guy has quite a bit more problems to work out than just schizoid personality disorder.
’s okay though. he’s still badass.
May 19th, 2009 at 4:17 am
I thought it was funny. Poor Link lol.
April 24th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Honey…STFU. I’m sure the nice writer used video games because they’re practically universal among you youngsters who spend all day online.
April 23rd, 2009 at 5:47 pm
[...] This is weird, but awesome! 12 video game characters with severe mental disorders [...]
April 21st, 2009 at 3:24 am
why not crash? he’s fucking retarted!
April 18th, 2009 at 7:40 am
Noooo! Not Ash Ketchum! How will he become a master pokemon trainer without his obsessive compulsive disorder…?!
April 18th, 2009 at 7:26 am
“It wasn’t so much the article that pissed me off as the amount of people who thought it was awesome. The article did piss me off a lot, and I’m still not really sure why.”
It’s amazing how fast people can contradict themselves in a span of five seconds after they type something. Macho Man much, love?
Anyways, this article was really fucking funny! I agree with ’smartaleck’, Spyro is co-dependent with his multi-colored dragonfly friend/protector/whatcamacallit/thing/whatever. XD
And I know I won’t be the first one to joke, but Pikachu is NOT a cat! It’s a pedophile DRESSED as a yellow-talking cat to get nearer to Ash when he takes baths!!@ER!@@#@@#@!!!!
This is pure LULZ. It provides lots of entertainment, both in the article AND comments.
Make a second edition soon! This is too good to just leave it as that now!
April 17th, 2009 at 12:34 am
well. i really predicted will be here. anyway, nice entry.
hope you give us more.
April 7th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Not bad… Seems like raaage needs his own blog.
April 6th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
For 1) Ash isn’t a video game character. But since the game trainers name are simply retarded, and make you wonder who they’re parents were, possibly jewel thieves, Ash is generally collective in them all, so, whatever. Anyway, I think it’s ok.
April 3rd, 2009 at 8:45 pm
I’m sorry I guess I did make a gay joke, my bad. It wasn’t so much the article that pissed me off as the amount of people who thought it was awesome. The article did piss me off a lot, and I’m still not really sure why. I do have anger issues so call it what you will.
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Disregard all of that, I suck cocks.
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:01 pm
well, RAAGE, you also made “lame” gay jokes, calling the writter “SOME FAGGOT.”
And well, if video games are “nothing more than a hobby,” then why DO you get so angry? after all, it really IS just a comedy website.
the inconcruity of comparing video game characters to real life people and diagnosing them with real life disorders is what the joke IS. the funniness lies in the ridiculousness. no one actually thinks that these characters have real-life disorders, because no one thinks of them as being in any way real or deeply characterized enough to HAVE mental disorders.
even the writer doesn’t think they have real disorders. it wouldn’t be nearly as funny if they truly did, like if they were characters in a game that were known in the game to have such disorders. if it said in pokemon that ash had ocd, then the show would be far more disturbing, and having him in this article would be completely unfunny, because the comments would actually be true.
so, to sum up, no one really thinks these characters have these disorders. the ridiculousness of them having the disorders is the source of the humor in this article.
peace out
April 2nd, 2009 at 4:24 pm
I was actually genuinely angry about how much people loved this, though it is an extremely simple thing with some “psychology” mixed in.
My friend saw my comment and then saw what you had to say about me, and directed me back here.
Let’s begin.
RAAAGE seems to be suffering from some deep-seated anger issues, perhaps stemming from an eraly childhood trauma or repressed homosexual urges.
I would recommend 375 mg of STFU and a suppository of “it’s a comedy website, jeez.”
You start out with the whole childhood trauma ordeal. Actually I think of myself as pretty spoiled as I have never had any traumatic experiences, my parents are still together, though I was born when my mom was 16, and I live a happy lower-middle class life. My anger issues are hereditary inherited from my dad’s side. The gay joke is also a pretty lame stretch.
“SOME FAGGOTS THINKING THEY WILL RAKE IN THE HITS ON THEIR SITE IF THEY USE VIDEO GAMES.”
Well, would you prefer they used KITTENS? Is that it? You want them to use KITTENS instead of video games?
Why do you hate America?
This post makes no sense, I never once mentioned a cat of any sort, you are making a sad attempt to be funny. I don’t hate America either, and if this post was about kittens and I loved it, that would still be no reason to hate America.
RAAAGE’s post clearly indicates severe delusions regarding the separation of reality from video games. Likely his delusions stem from too much time staring at a computer or television screen and absentee parenting, causing him to adopt these characters as surrogate guardians. His delusions have led him to believe that these worlds actually exist, and that the story lines have bearing on reality.
Recommend getting out of the house every once in a while. Also, an aggressive course of SSRI in combination with intensive psychotherapy.
I can tell the reality apart from the video game, that was kinda the whole point of my comment, the reason this angered me so much is because the characters were thrown into real-world situations where they don’t belong, if anyone can’t tell the difference between real world and video games, it’s the writer. As I stated earlier I had a fairly decent childhood, so none of my problems come from that. As far as the “getting out of the house every once in a while” goes, I am a college student who takes part in many activities including volleyball, football, and soccer. Video games are nothing more than a hobby and something for me to do with my friends.
http://www.cracked.com/article_16605_8-most-obnoxious-internet-commenters.html
Which one is this guy? I’m gonna go with the Macho Man.
I didn’t read that, but I’m sure it’s about stereotypes of people who comment against what the OP believes, and I would place myself more into something like a “doesn’t care about this article but has to throw in his comment to make himself feel better”, kind of guy. I might check that out to see exactly what the macho man persona consists of.
Thank you and have a brilliant day.
April 1st, 2009 at 4:03 am
omgcoffeeyay:
Actually I think Pikachu is based on the mouse-like relative of the rabbit family called a pika. Which would give them a reason to give him big, rabbit-like ears :B
March 31st, 2009 at 9:52 pm
http://www.cracked.com/article_16605_8-most-obnoxious-internet-commenters.html
Which one is this guy? I’m gonna go with the Macho Man.
RAAAGE Says:
March 23rd, 2009 at 8:56 pm
WOW FUCK YOU GUYS YOU TOOK EVERY SINGLE THING OUT OF FUCKING CONTEXT THIS PISSES ME OFF TO NO EXTENT. NOT FUNNY AT ALL, AND NOT GOOD WRITING. SOME FAGGOTS THINKING THEY WILL RAKE IN THE HITS ON THEIR SITE IF THEY USE VIDEO GAMES. IF THE FACTS HELD TRUE IN THEIR OWN VIDEO GAME WORLDS I WOULDN’T BE PISSED. NOW WHAT IF WE WERE THEIR VIDEO GAMES. SITTING AROUND LIKE JACKASSES ALL DAY WHEN THERE IS INFO ON POKEMON TO BE COLLECTED, PRINCESSES TO BE SAVED, WORLDS TO SAVE, AND VILLAINS TO STOP. WE WOULD ALL BE APATHETIC ASSHOLES. THE KIRBY ONE PISSES ME OFF THE MOST BECAUSE HE SWALLOWS EVERYTHING AND DOESN’T SPIT IT BACK OUT. IF HE DOES SPIT IT BACK OUT, THAT MEANS HE DIDN’T EAT IT AT ALL BUT WAS JUST USING IT TO HELP SPRING GARDENS GET THEIR FOOD BACK FROM DEDEDE. FUCK EVERYONE.
March 31st, 2009 at 9:42 pm
And I found the pikachu-cat thing to be funy and ironic. It was a good way to get people to make funny, outraged coments about something so irrelevant.
March 31st, 2009 at 9:37 pm
Spyro is co-dependent. His mood depends on the color of his dragonfly.
March 29th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
Panzer-Stier Ross:
Squall never whined, he was just withdrawn. You would be too if you were surrounded by the people he was surrounded by. Also, the point of him was he was an angsty loner who gets his mind explored thentransforms into something else, its called characterization… dear God why am I explaining this?
March 29th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
I would have liked to see Jak from Jak & Daxter on here. Now there’s a guy with issues. Multiple personality disorder, homicidal tendencies, dependency on what the psychiatrist would probably describe as a loud orange cat, daddy issues, stalked by a creepy redheaded pedophile….
March 29th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
Awesome, and actually quite accurate.
March 28th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
I want to know what disorder Knuckles the Echidna has. That whole world is screwed up.
Loved this article, had me in stitches.
March 28th, 2009 at 4:45 am
um u spelled bulimia wrong. i hate it when people butcher my hobbies~
March 27th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
Pikachu’s a mouse, dammit! M-O-U-S-E. Am i truly the only one who knows this? derrrrr
March 27th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
Samus Aran, speaking of antisocial disorder, is a definite sociopath. She is a bounty hunter: Someone who hunts and kills men for money. Her adventures, always, lead to the destruction of planet yet she refuses too stop. Most of the problems in the Metroid universe seem to trace back to her: She destroyed the Mother Brain, who, eventually, came in a stronger form and rescued a baby metroid that became the basis for a new breed. This metroid suffered such severe Stockholm Syndrome, despite the torture that she, surely, inflicted upon it that it sacrificed its life for her.
March 26th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
NO NO YOU’RE ALL WRONG! PIKACHU IS A TROLL!
March 26th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
I’ll be honest, I understood the “Pikachu being a cat” thing as more of a “psychiatrist not caring what the hell it is” than a mistake. I can see some analyitical doctor referring to it as “that electric cat thingy over there that won’t shut up”.
Maybe that’s just me though.
March 26th, 2009 at 9:27 am
For the record, Clyde is not one of the Power Ghosts. The correct name is Sue. Guess that you have to be born before 1980 to know that. And, yes, I know how big of a dork I am.
March 26th, 2009 at 8:02 am
[...] 3 - Some videogame characters with undiagnosed medical conditions - Cracked [...]
March 26th, 2009 at 2:58 am
godammit you people are all so stupid! are you blind?? pikachu is a fucking giraffe you blundering nincompoops. go back to noodle school.
March 25th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
what? no crash bandicoot?
March 25th, 2009 at 10:43 am
There is…an ENDLESS horde of video game characters to make fun of in this fashion. Keep it up. This is quite entertaining.
March 25th, 2009 at 7:43 am
This is really funny.
but I would like to point out that Pikachu is a rat or rodent, not a cat.
March 24th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Great article again SWAIM
except the Vega comment. shame.
March 24th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Man, I wanted to laugh at some of this stuff, but… It feels like I’veheard it somewhere before, y’know? Like stuff like this goes without saying, and saying it kills the joke? I dunno. I don’t blame you if you disagree. I’m kind of unsure about it.
March 24th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
For Zangief, I prescribe dance sessions with Gorbachev.
And Pikachu is a “Pika,” which is like a fat little rabbit.
March 24th, 2009 at 2:20 pm
Good article. Will save in Pokeball.
March 24th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Pikachu is definitely a mouse. Rattata = Common Rat.
Raichu =… Fancy Rat? Giant Mouse?
and ooooobviously pokemon has a basis in science. EVERYONE knows that Psychic > Poison. Duh.
March 24th, 2009 at 11:37 am
[...] Cracked.com - The best for lists [...]
March 24th, 2009 at 11:04 am
[...] Cracked names 12 Video Game Characters With Undiagnosed Mental Disorders. [...]
March 24th, 2009 at 10:44 am
I agree with Ambrose, sequel definately needed.
I mean how could you miss out the sadistic, tortoise stomping Mario or Luigi’s inferiority complex
March 24th, 2009 at 7:30 am
Very funny, we need a sequel. Scopophobic Solid Snake? (I better get credit for that!)
March 24th, 2009 at 4:34 am
One of the best things I’ve read on here in awhile…just goes to show what you guys can do when you bother to invest an ounce of thought/creativity into your work.
March 24th, 2009 at 3:55 am
Squall is a badass!?
He’s more of a whiny emo asshole than Cloud. Sure he was more aware of the interest from his female counterparts but that doesn’t make him more of a badass.
He’s just typical of what happens when Japan tries to interpret angst.
March 24th, 2009 at 3:36 am
Abso-fucking-lutely hilarious! Great article!
March 24th, 2009 at 3:26 am
This one is great. Soooo funny in many ways.
March 24th, 2009 at 3:01 am
Cracked columnists with undiagnosed mental disorders:
Swaim–Hebephrenic: Michael has recently opined indelibly through multiple exhibits the course of his ‘career’ a mental pathology that relegates every thought manifested while huffing nitrous oxide as ‘quote’ ‘unquote:’ “funny.” Exhibition of pathology inherent in a multitude of obsessive reactions characteristic of psychotic break such as the latent ‘inflated opinion of self’ mingled with schizoid “writing compulsion while inebriated by ego.’ Treatment consists of brain-damage therapy paired with Clockwork Orange-style film viewing, followed by a strongly voiced recommendation concerning the completion of his Associates Degree at Devry.
March 24th, 2009 at 12:51 am
also, funny article Swaim, keep it up
March 24th, 2009 at 12:49 am
@Nova: As far as FF fans go I think I might be one of the few people to agree with you
March 24th, 2009 at 12:46 am
Maybe Duke Nukem has a phaeochromocytoma?
March 24th, 2009 at 12:21 am
Chuckles @ “jaundiced malingerer” =)
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:23 pm
I’m not gunna be the 18th person to say the Pikachu thing, but I really want to be.
Some of these were hilarious. “I gave him some fruit and sent him on his way” and “Have the shadow monsters kill them both” were the best. Oh, and Cloud’s metrosexual affectation.
…….. fuck it. He’s a rat. A RAT. AN ELECTRIC TALKING GODDAMN RAT.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:23 pm
[...] 12 Video Game Characters With Undiagnosed Mental Disorders | Cracked.com [...]
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:59 pm
That’s a long clip board…
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:41 pm
RAAAGE’s post clearly indicates severe delusions regarding the separation of reality from video games. Likely his delusions stem from too much time staring at a computer or television screen and absentee parenting, causing him to adopt these characters as surrogate guardians. His delusions have led him to believe that these worlds actually exist, and that the story lines have bearing on reality.
Recommend getting out of the house every once in a while. Also, an aggressive course of SSRI in combination with intensive psychotherapy.
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:33 pm
As pointed out, Pikachu is not a cat. It’s an electrified, overgrown rodent.
Cloud really should be in the Gender Identities Ward, along with Vega and 90% of the other FF heroes.
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:14 pm
“THIS PISSES ME OFF TO NO EXTENT”
Really? Not even a little bit?
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:08 pm
“SOME FAGGOTS THINKING THEY WILL RAKE IN THE HITS ON THEIR SITE IF THEY USE VIDEO GAMES.”
Well, would you prefer they used KITTENS? Is that it? You want them to use KITTENS instead of video games?
Why do you hate America?
March 23rd, 2009 at 9:21 pm
RAAAGE seems to be suffering from some deep-seated anger issues, perhaps stemming from an eraly childhood trauma or repressed homosexual urges.
I would recommend 375 mg of STFU and a suppository of “it’s a comedy website, jeez.”
March 23rd, 2009 at 8:56 pm
WOW FUCK YOU GUYS YOU TOOK EVERY SINGLE THING OUT OF FUCKING CONTEXT THIS PISSES ME OFF TO NO EXTENT. NOT FUNNY AT ALL, AND NOT GOOD WRITING. SOME FAGGOTS THINKING THEY WILL RAKE IN THE HITS ON THEIR SITE IF THEY USE VIDEO GAMES. IF THE FACTS HELD TRUE IN THEIR OWN VIDEO GAME WORLDS I WOULDN’T BE PISSED. NOW WHAT IF WE WERE THEIR VIDEO GAMES. SITTING AROUND LIKE JACKASSES ALL DAY WHEN THERE IS INFO ON POKEMON TO BE COLLECTED, PRINCESSES TO BE SAVED, WORLDS TO SAVE, AND VILLAINS TO STOP. WE WOULD ALL BE APATHETIC ASSHOLES. THE KIRBY ONE PISSES ME OFF THE MOST BECAUSE HE SWALLOWS EVERYTHING AND DOESN’T SPIT IT BACK OUT. IF HE DOES SPIT IT BACK OUT, THAT MEANS HE DIDN’T EAT IT AT ALL BUT WAS JUST USING IT TO HELP SPRING GARDENS GET THEIR FOOD BACK FROM DEDEDE. FUCK EVERYONE.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:20 pm
Pikachu is referred to as an “Electric Mouse” in the game, so it’s a really big rodent.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:17 pm
@Tim: Tommy appears briefly in GTA 3.
@ Jamesguz: Get out of the house, man.
There’s a whole world out there.
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:18 pm
Don’t forget Cloud has the self-steem of a 14 year old girl who listens to fall out boy.
He’s also a big time liar. And he may have a possible crush on his nemesis Sephiroth.
Suggested treatment: Have Squall from Final Fantasy 8 teach him how to be a badass motherfucker.
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:09 pm
I always thought Pikachu was a rat. Also, that was irrelevant and the article is great.
—————–
It is a rat.
But the joke was that Ash is crazy and he thinks his house cat is a Pikachu.
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:06 pm
The funny is right here Bob. It wants you to know why you didnt call it back.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:55 pm
To cocbag:
um tommy isnt in gta 3 he is in vice city which isnt a sequal as much as its kinda like an expansion, though you may be right about the price a hospital/jail trip is. but i dont think you have to say it so harshly
funny article anyways swaim.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Swaim, Swaim, Swaim…I have one question to ask. Where is the funny?
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:02 pm
I always thought Pikachu was a rat. Also, that was irrelevant and the article is great.
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:57 pm
You forgot The Milkman.
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Pikachu is not a cat, that’s an insult to cats
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Tommy Vercetti never goes to prostitutes, they’re nurses!
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:38 pm
they fine $100, not 50% in GTA3
you ignorant fuck. go shit on the keyboard and write another fucking crappy article.
best line is: despite promises to fans, patient may need to cease work indefinitely
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:31 pm
Teehee~
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:08 pm
I also think that Zangief is disturbed, He wants everyone’s face in his balls. Oh, and also, rat. Pikachu’s a RAT.
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:52 pm
I always thought there was something wrong with Princess Toadstool, that King Koopa justs want to keep her safe, is there anything wrong with that? Oh! these modern women!
Great article!
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Cloud’s “mental disorder” stems from people treating him like shit from his childhood when all he wanted to be was a hero, his best friend Zack was killed by the very company they worked for, he saw his second love Aerith die at the hand of Sephiroth. It was too easy to take a shot at him. Why not take a shot at Sephiroth? He has mommy issues.
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Just beautiful, great writing and great design
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:41 pm
SWAIM RULES
else needed?
think not.
*eats sandwitch*
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:27 pm
For some reason I laughed the hardest at “yellow talking cat”.
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:23 pm
Hell yeah, Vercetti.
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:22 pm
The diagnosis on Zangief was pricelss. My back is shot and laughing hurts like a bitch (which kind of makes me wonder why I check this site on a dialy basis) and that bit about him constantly fighting Vega from the Gender Identities Ward put me in a considerable amount of pain. It was a good pain…..kind of.
Keep it up.
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:21 pm
I LOVE IT! Oh too funny, thank you for the laugh!
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:18 pm
This is the best thing I’ve read thus far this year.
I LOVE YOU SWAIM!!!
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:15 pm
This was ruined for me as soon as I saw “bulemia” where it should have been “bulimia.” Curse my inherent need for proper spelling.
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Cloud’s an easy target, but I don’t think you’ve got the diagnosis quite right. I mean, the man has disassociative identity issues and/or delusions of grandeur out the wazoo, culminating from disappointment in his own career, a traumatic work-related experience, and the death of his role model.
The bit with his girlfriend, later, didn’t cause further issues as much as they threw extra fuel on the crazy fire.
March 23rd, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Awesome article, made me laugh a lot, especially the Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde one.
March 23rd, 2009 at 1:52 pm
Wow. Just…wow. Awesome article!
The bit about the rupees were for a bigger sack to hold more rupees was classic (and perhaps an analogy for today’s financial climate?). Can just see the confused expression on Link’s face, as if this was the most natural and obvious thing in the world.
March 23rd, 2009 at 1:31 pm
dependent personality disorder = banjo kazooie
March 23rd, 2009 at 1:18 pm
u forgot crash bandicoot
now THAT is messed-up.
March 23rd, 2009 at 1:15 pm
YES! An Ico reference! I salute you, Captain Pedophile!
March 23rd, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Betamaxrules is a dumbass. The trainer in Yellow is Ash. So. Y’know. Fuck you. Also, the trainer you fight after the Indigo League in either Gold or Silver (can’t recall…) is named Ash.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:43 pm
I’m glad that of all the GTA “protagonists” you picked Tommy. Claude was a cypher, and CJ and Niko were both sympathetic despite their behaviour; Tommy Vercetti, on the other hand, was a completely amoral psychopath. Best GTA character ever!
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:41 pm
Actually, Duke Nuke is a good guy. The only problem with him is that he has “Ghost Disorder”, since the sequel of his game never came to the market.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:31 pm
Ash is not a video game character.
The trainer in the games is just the trainer. Different.
And pikachu is a rat, not that it makes much difference.
RAWR FAN WANK
But yeah, awesome. I lol’d.
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Made me lul alot!
Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde one was one of the funniest, and the reference to Vega was hilarious.
Nice work!
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Not to piss on everyone’s parade but wasn’t the anime in Japan based on the game?
March 23rd, 2009 at 12:20 pm
I’ve just bought a computer, and when I switched on the internet Cracked appeared. I have never been happier - March the 23rd will go down in my diary as the day I laughed at comedy. 7 out of 10.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:54 am
disregard my last comment
damn you anonymous internet humorless buzzkills
you’ve infected me
nice, swaim
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:52 am
lynny fails. the whole point of the show was to go with the game.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:50 am
Technically Tourette’s Syndrome is a neurological, not psychological disorder.
Yes… there is a difference.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:35 am
I couldn’t stop laughing the entire time.
But I couldn’t help but notice that “it” (Navi the fairy) wasn’t mentioned at all during link’s file.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:27 am
Ash isn’t a video game character. He got his role in animation.
If you want to talk pokemon, it’s Red.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:25 am
Meh, moderate lolz…
Should have had the protagonist from “Kingpin: Life of Crime” in place of Duke Nukem.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:24 am
That was a great article!!!!!
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:20 am
I can tell that “Someone” is a basement dweller supreme.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:19 am
Lol’d pretty hard at Tommy Vercetti’s suggested treatment.
Also was the Popeye’s syndrome in Cloud’s thing a reference to how his arms looked in FF7?
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:10 am
‘Someone’ is really rubbish.
Good article.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:07 am
It’s a good article except for the Pokemon part.
1.) Ash is not a video game character. He is an anime character. The boy of the Red/Blue/Green/Yellow games was a character named Red (Also appearing at the end of Gold/Silver/Crystal)
2.) Pikachu isn’t a cat. Pikachu is an electric mouse/rodent.
3.) He also doesn’t try to ‘catch them all’. He wanted to try and catch a lot at the beginning of the series, but that’s it.
More research is obviously needed.
March 23rd, 2009 at 11:01 am
awesome. i’m sure many of these character traits were devised at the video game developers’ conference of 1979.
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:41 am
S.W.A.I.M., your articles have been awesome, lately. Keep it up.
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:35 am
Definitely the best article yet!
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:25 am
your best work so far =] more of these please eleven out of ten
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:20 am
Best. Article. Yet.
Keep up the good work.
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:14 am
Oh, I also agree with Liz, a lot of FF characters have issues… using FF7 as an example, Tifa has the same issue as Princess Toadstool (despite being able to kick enormous amounts of ass herself), Yuffie obviously has dad issues, Vincent has a schizoid disease worse than Cloud, Cid has Tourette’s Syndrome that makes him shout out random symbols (like @#$%!), and Barret… well, is there a disease for being a stereotype?
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:10 am
I liked the Cloud one the best, but maybe thats because FF7 is my second favorite game of all time. I also liked the Princess Toadstool and Ashe ones.
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:07 am
This was a classic. 10/10
March 23rd, 2009 at 10:02 am
Loved it.
Cloud was great, pkmn was funny too, and Kirby. Cloud was my fave. I always knew there was something up with his spikey little head. He’s cool and mentally depraved at the same time.
March 23rd, 2009 at 9:56 am
Nice work, mr. swaim. Shocked you didn’t charge Bowser (King Koopa) with child abuse and power abuser.
March 23rd, 2009 at 9:43 am
Dear Lord. Everything makes sense.
March 23rd, 2009 at 9:35 am
Haha, I liked Cloud’s one. And I agree with another commenter - there is a slight schizophrenic affliction in the kid’s mind.
If you’ve played the game or its prequel, you find out…
March 23rd, 2009 at 9:29 am
I really think Part II of this article could easily be “Final Fantasy characters with undiagnosed Mental Disorders”. Cloud is really just scraping the surface. I get the feeling Square doesn’t do character sketches, so much as pull out the DSM.
March 23rd, 2009 at 9:15 am
This article was hilarious and I demand MOAR.
March 23rd, 2009 at 9:07 am
God I love you
March 23rd, 2009 at 9:05 am
All hail Swaim
March 23rd, 2009 at 9:00 am
hahaha yep, spot on
March 23rd, 2009 at 8:59 am
always a pleasure to read a swaim blog - the things reek quality, transcending the word blog, which sounds like a form of toliet paper mulch. Woohoo!
March 23rd, 2009 at 8:57 am
I still want pictures of you being naked, Swaim.
March 23rd, 2009 at 8:52 am
Sonic and Link’s were awesome.
March 23rd, 2009 at 8:29 am
“Recommend moving her to another castle”
That expkains EVERYTHING!
March 23rd, 2009 at 8:27 am
[...] husband’s penis for cheating -Archie always made a lot of sacrifices for Betty (funny pic) -12 video game characters with severe undiagnosed mental disorders -How to be a supervillain: An important how-to [...]
March 23rd, 2009 at 8:15 am
@Mavrickindigo:
I’ve been a fan since I was a little kid (not so much anymore), but I’ve never played Gold/Silver, but if I’m not mistaken isn’t Ash at the very end of Gold/Silver with his level 81 Pikachu?
March 23rd, 2009 at 8:07 am
omg! nice, make more of these!!
March 23rd, 2009 at 8:04 am
@skittle: Ash is an anime character, he does not appear in any of the Pokemon Games, save for “Pokemon Puzzle League”, which uses the anime characters. He first appeared in the anime and is thus an anime character
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:55 am
@Maryjane:
Vega is a spaniard bull fighter that has a serious narcism problem, he was famous in Spain but he was more conerned with his beuaty, Bison funded some of his surgerys and then he started fighting in underground brawls. Bison fully recruited him as one of his “Devas” (officers) but when bison was killed by Gouki (akuma) Vega dissapeared and stayed hidden for a while until Bison cam back in his new cyborg body and recruited Vega again. Play SFIV to find out waht happens to him in between SF2 and SF3. Hope that helps
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:52 am
even chuck norris wanted to have sex with this article.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:47 am
Arrgh that was gooood.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:47 am
Zangief made me LOL IRL. I did a presentation on Bigorexia a couple of maonths back he is suck a perfect example, and the emo reference was funny as well. But Vega’s comment takes the cake hahaha.
BTW your just jealous of his beauty. Bow in pressence of the Claw!
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:43 am
This was an incredible article. Michael Swaim, I still want to have your babies.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:26 am
To Michael from 7:10am this morning
Too bad your honours degree in Psych didnt teach you how to spell honors (or honours north of 49)…or article…or perfect…
To Michael from TAM and what I assume must be land of genius…
Bravo sir. Bravo.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:24 am
i second that, swaim ftw. now where’s my fucking cocaine….
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:23 am
i’d say that kirby should be diagnosed as having pika moreso than bulimia
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:19 am
haha i have ADD and was expecting sonic to be ADHD lol, boo hiss about electro therapy tho, medical marijuana is the cure
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:19 am
I thought I already knew what win looked like, then I saw this article.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:17 am
My confession to you, Mr. Swaim, and this might upset you Swaim’s fanboys out there, but keep reading:
I never liked you. I always thought of you as a random guy who’s good at writing and tries to be funny. Hard. So hard it was pathetic. S.W.A.I.M.? “Slander Without Any Inherent Meaning?” Bwargh. Truthfully, you never made me laugh; not even a crack of grin. I even tried to read your articles after several intakes of sativa. Meh.
Swaim, I’m not being an ignorance hater; I’m being sincere.
However — hold back your shoes and spits, Swaim and the fans, save your strength, and listen to me a little longer — after reading this article, I bursted out with laughters. Fuck, my tummy’s still hurting. And I don’t even play video games that much. This article is one of the funniest articles I have read for so long.
Alright, it is now a good time to bombard me with spiteful comments - and shoes and spits. I’ll gracefully take each and every one of them as a fraternity initiation, as I’m welcoming myself to being Swaim’s fan. May I have a couple more, sir!
Sincerely,
Zach
P.S. I printed this article and put it on my fridge.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:16 am
Despite not ever failing, you have totally redeemed yourself with this article.
Glad to see you used worrisome, that’s an intrinsically funny word right there.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:12 am
Probably the funniest thing I’ve ever read on Cracked.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:10 am
As I’m completing my honers degree in Psychology, this artical was PERFICT! You really captured the disorders.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:10 am
I second SoulPhox.
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:06 am
I love this line
“When I asked what the rupees were for, patient replied that they were to buy a larger sack to hold more rupees”
March 23rd, 2009 at 7:05 am
one of your better ones. the format was done nicely.
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:56 am
I vote Swaim for the winner of the internet. Any seconds?
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:53 am
I loved this
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:49 am
@ Archaon6044 - Play ICO, or read about it somewhere. You will understand who is Yorda.
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:46 am
This was amazing!!!
Do me now
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:44 am
Someone’s majoring in psychology! I’m currently in a course studying this exact same stuff. Just thought I’d share.
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:26 am
Nice work, I especially love the fact that you had an ICO reference
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:20 am
Swaim, there’s no way you could kick more ass! Great work!
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:20 am
and who the hell is Yorda?
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:19 am
lol “Reccomend moving to another Castle”
haha! clever
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:08 am
Yorda can shoot magic missiles? You little bitch, I was beating shadow monsters with a goddamn two-by-four while you just stood there! I’m gonna push you off one of the many softly-lit picturesque cliffs.
March 23rd, 2009 at 6:01 am
Nice work again, Swaim. I’d have to say you’re my favourite writer at Cracked. I enjoyed Wario’s constant and emphatic claim that he’s “a-gonna win.” Now, I go to fail an exam. Cheers.
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:50 am
@Nikacho: the video games existed before the seizure-inducing anime
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:41 am
once again you rock, wicked article
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:37 am
ha ha great article, was really funny! swaim is my fav columnist
@ Nickacho : ash IS a video game charecter, pokemon was a video game first then it became an anime cartoon
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:36 am
What about Jester from SOCOM? He seems to be suffering from Tourette’s and OCD plus suicidal tendencies due to the fact that all he does is run directly into enemy fire and scream “Boo-ya!!!”
Recommended treatment: Either Valium and further combat training, or just say screw the mission and shoot him yourself even through it will mean your own men will kill you. Usually I prefer the latter.
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:11 am
“he seems to do nothing but get into fights with Vega from the gender identities ward”
Awesome!! I laffed so hard man! Yeah Vega used to worry me as a kid because it could literally be anything from man to woman to scary evil fish/snake/alligator/man/woman with eye lasers.
Just out of interest does anyone know on good authority just who and what Vega is/was???
March 23rd, 2009 at 5:01 am
Ah Yorda… she just doesn’t know how to save herself, I guess.
I loved this article. Good job Swaim!
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:44 am
playbahnosh - OMG! you were FIRST!! be sure to pick up all the pussy and/or dick that will be coming your way because you were first to post absolutely nothing of consequence in the comment section of a blog post about video game neuroses. there’s only a 24 hour window on such sexual escapades after being the FIRST!!
that said “also worrisome, at last week’s group therapy session clyde was just eyeballs” is pure gold!
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:35 am
Hilarious! I’m going with metrosexual affectation for the explanation of Cloud’s bulging forearms.
Vega in the Gender Identities Ward - I can totally imagine that.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:31 am
I just wanted to point out what a gaywad Nikacho is for knowing anything at all about Pokemon.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:27 am
That was really funny. Congratulations!
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:21 am
Excellent work, Swaim! My personal highlights were “DSM-VG” and “at last week’s group therapy session Clyde was just eyeballs”.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:17 am
Satoshi [AKA ash] isn’t a video game character. More like an anime character.
March 23rd, 2009 at 4:09 am
…
The one about Ash was, funny.
The whole article was so sarcastic. XD
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:55 am
I think an honorable mention should have been made for the “Blob” from “A boy and his blob”, who appears to have a jellybean addiction/ diabetes?
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:54 am
Superb article. I tend to just glaze over the blog posts, but this one was very good.
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:46 am
Natnie, when I first saw the title of this article I immediately thought Cloud = Schizo.
I mean you’re right, I think his budding homosexuality is the thing he needs to deal with first.
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:38 am
Thank you sir Swaim,
And as the Grandmaster Of Monkey Awesometude, I dub the An Abbot* Of Monkey Awesometude.
*Yes, I’m fully aware of what i’m typing.
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:33 am
I’m gonna be revealing much about myself when i say this but, Pikachu is a mouse, not a cat.
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:28 am
I think being cold is the least of Cloud’s problems. Rather than schizoid I would say shizophrenic.
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:24 am
WHy would they put the M key next to the N?
Stupid Nuther Duckers
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:23 am
I meant Swaim, SWAIM…..with an M………I know how to spell your name I’m just slightly drunk, that’s all…………
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:22 am
Oh, Swain you brighten my day.
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:12 am
We should have a bromance Swaim
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:11 am
omg i loled hard. well written!
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:08 am
Second..:-) Great work Swaim! Personally love Wario and Princess Toadstool .. “Recommend moving to another castle”. HAH!
March 23rd, 2009 at 3:01 am
FIRST!!