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12 Video Game Characters With Undiagnosed Mental Disorders

We always knew there was something not right about people eating mushrooms, leaping at gold coins the size of their body and putting on raccoon costumes in order to fly, but with the release of the DSM-VG, psychiatric medicine has finally caught up to the horrors of the virtual world.

Now, doctors can at last get these characters the help they so badly need.


When not Photoshopping, Michael serves as head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!

Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim

This entry was posted on Monday, March 23rd, 2009 at 3:00 am and is filed under Nintendo, Sega, Video Games, insanity. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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193 Responses to “12 Video Game Characters With Undiagnosed Mental Disorders”

  1. skittle_muffins Says:

    haha! I was laughing soo much at this article!!

    I think SWAIM is the BEST writer on cracked xD

  2. profopro Says:

    where’s donkey kong for some form of retardation, or Scorpion/Sub-Zero for sociopathic related murders.

  3. Gadget Says:

    Ash isn’t even a video game character D:

    Methinks you’re confusing him with Red.

  4. Cracked.com = PrOn and Real Crack? at Aigoo-ChamnaNET Says:

    [...] 12 Video Game Characters With Undiagnosed Mental Disorders — I happen to agree with all these diagnoses. Very fitting for the characters. [...]

  5. great west health insurance Says:

    In Zeiten von massenhaft Websitenmüll im Internet eine sehr gut aufgebaute Website, nicht überdimensioniertes Design und sehr gut recher-schierte Hintergrundinformationen.

  6. Disorder Center » Schizoid Personality Disorder - PTypes - Schizoid Personality Disorder Criteria Says:

    [...] 12 Video Game Characters With Undiagnosed Mental Disorders | Cracked haha! alright, i’m a major cloud fangirl but really… the guy has quite a bit more problems to work out than just schizoid personality disorder. [...]

  7. lady Says:

    haha! alright, i’m a major cloud fangirl but really… the guy has quite a bit more problems to work out than just schizoid personality disorder.

    ’s okay though. he’s still badass.

  8. Sarah Says:

    I thought it was funny. Poor Link lol.

  9. RAAAGE's Mom Says:

    Honey…STFU. I’m sure the nice writer used video games because they’re practically universal among you youngsters who spend all day online.

  10. Links | Caution Awesome Says:

    [...] This is weird, but awesome! 12 video game characters with severe mental disorders [...]

  11. waterv Says:

    why not crash? he’s fucking retarted!

  12. dahwang12 Says:

    Noooo! Not Ash Ketchum! How will he become a master pokemon trainer without his obsessive compulsive disorder…?!

  13. Andrea Belen Says:

    “It wasn’t so much the article that pissed me off as the amount of people who thought it was awesome. The article did piss me off a lot, and I’m still not really sure why.”

    It’s amazing how fast people can contradict themselves in a span of five seconds after they type something. Macho Man much, love?

    Anyways, this article was really fucking funny! I agree with ’smartaleck’, Spyro is co-dependent with his multi-colored dragonfly friend/protector/whatcamacallit/thing/whatever. XD

    And I know I won’t be the first one to joke, but Pikachu is NOT a cat! It’s a pedophile DRESSED as a yellow-talking cat to get nearer to Ash when he takes baths!!@ER!@@#@@#@!!!!

    This is pure LULZ. It provides lots of entertainment, both in the article AND comments. ;)

    Make a second edition soon! This is too good to just leave it as that now!

  14. Joma Says:

    well. i really predicted will be here. anyway, nice entry. :)
    hope you give us more. :D

  15. Jeremy Says:

    Not bad… Seems like raaage needs his own blog.

  16. dottio Says:

    For 1) Ash isn’t a video game character. But since the game trainers name are simply retarded, and make you wonder who they’re parents were, possibly jewel thieves, Ash is generally collective in them all, so, whatever. Anyway, I think it’s ok.

  17. RAAAGE Says:

    I’m sorry I guess I did make a gay joke, my bad. It wasn’t so much the article that pissed me off as the amount of people who thought it was awesome. The article did piss me off a lot, and I’m still not really sure why. I do have anger issues so call it what you will.

  18. RAAAGE Says:

    Disregard all of that, I suck cocks.

  19. rayray Says:

    well, RAAGE, you also made “lame” gay jokes, calling the writter “SOME FAGGOT.”

    And well, if video games are “nothing more than a hobby,” then why DO you get so angry? after all, it really IS just a comedy website.

    the inconcruity of comparing video game characters to real life people and diagnosing them with real life disorders is what the joke IS. the funniness lies in the ridiculousness. no one actually thinks that these characters have real-life disorders, because no one thinks of them as being in any way real or deeply characterized enough to HAVE mental disorders.

    even the writer doesn’t think they have real disorders. it wouldn’t be nearly as funny if they truly did, like if they were characters in a game that were known in the game to have such disorders. if it said in pokemon that ash had ocd, then the show would be far more disturbing, and having him in this article would be completely unfunny, because the comments would actually be true.

    so, to sum up, no one really thinks these characters have these disorders. the ridiculousness of them having the disorders is the source of the humor in this article.

    peace out

  20. RAAAGE Says:

    I was actually genuinely angry about how much people loved this, though it is an extremely simple thing with some “psychology” mixed in.

    My friend saw my comment and then saw what you had to say about me, and directed me back here.

    Let’s begin.

    RAAAGE seems to be suffering from some deep-seated anger issues, perhaps stemming from an eraly childhood trauma or repressed homosexual urges.

    I would recommend 375 mg of STFU and a suppository of “it’s a comedy website, jeez.”

    You start out with the whole childhood trauma ordeal. Actually I think of myself as pretty spoiled as I have never had any traumatic experiences, my parents are still together, though I was born when my mom was 16, and I live a happy lower-middle class life. My anger issues are hereditary inherited from my dad’s side. The gay joke is also a pretty lame stretch.

    “SOME FAGGOTS THINKING THEY WILL RAKE IN THE HITS ON THEIR SITE IF THEY USE VIDEO GAMES.”

    Well, would you prefer they used KITTENS? Is that it? You want them to use KITTENS instead of video games?

    Why do you hate America?

    This post makes no sense, I never once mentioned a cat of any sort, you are making a sad attempt to be funny. I don’t hate America either, and if this post was about kittens and I loved it, that would still be no reason to hate America.

    RAAAGE’s post clearly indicates severe delusions regarding the separation of reality from video games. Likely his delusions stem from too much time staring at a computer or television screen and absentee parenting, causing him to adopt these characters as surrogate guardians. His delusions have led him to believe that these worlds actually exist, and that the story lines have bearing on reality.

    Recommend getting out of the house every once in a while. Also, an aggressive course of SSRI in combination with intensive psychotherapy.

    I can tell the reality apart from the video game, that was kinda the whole point of my comment, the reason this angered me so much is because the characters were thrown into real-world situations where they don’t belong, if anyone can’t tell the difference between real world and video games, it’s the writer. As I stated earlier I had a fairly decent childhood, so none of my problems come from that. As far as the “getting out of the house every once in a while” goes, I am a college student who takes part in many activities including volleyball, football, and soccer. Video games are nothing more than a hobby and something for me to do with my friends.

    http://www.cracked.com/article_16605_8-most-obnoxious-internet-commenters.html

    Which one is this guy? I’m gonna go with the Macho Man.

    I didn’t read that, but I’m sure it’s about stereotypes of people who comment against what the OP believes, and I would place myself more into something like a “doesn’t care about this article but has to throw in his comment to make himself feel better”, kind of guy. I might check that out to see exactly what the macho man persona consists of.

    Thank you and have a brilliant day.

  21. Jess Says:

    omgcoffeeyay:

    Actually I think Pikachu is based on the mouse-like relative of the rabbit family called a pika. Which would give them a reason to give him big, rabbit-like ears :B

  22. smartaleck Says:

    http://www.cracked.com/article_16605_8-most-obnoxious-internet-commenters.html

    Which one is this guy? I’m gonna go with the Macho Man.

    RAAAGE Says:
    March 23rd, 2009 at 8:56 pm
    WOW FUCK YOU GUYS YOU TOOK EVERY SINGLE THING OUT OF FUCKING CONTEXT THIS PISSES ME OFF TO NO EXTENT. NOT FUNNY AT ALL, AND NOT GOOD WRITING. SOME FAGGOTS THINKING THEY WILL RAKE IN THE HITS ON THEIR SITE IF THEY USE VIDEO GAMES. IF THE FACTS HELD TRUE IN THEIR OWN VIDEO GAME WORLDS I WOULDN’T BE PISSED. NOW WHAT IF WE WERE THEIR VIDEO GAMES. SITTING AROUND LIKE JACKASSES ALL DAY WHEN THERE IS INFO ON POKEMON TO BE COLLECTED, PRINCESSES TO BE SAVED, WORLDS TO SAVE, AND VILLAINS TO STOP. WE WOULD ALL BE APATHETIC ASSHOLES. THE KIRBY ONE PISSES ME OFF THE MOST BECAUSE HE SWALLOWS EVERYTHING AND DOESN’T SPIT IT BACK OUT. IF HE DOES SPIT IT BACK OUT, THAT MEANS HE DIDN’T EAT IT AT ALL BUT WAS JUST USING IT TO HELP SPRING GARDENS GET THEIR FOOD BACK FROM DEDEDE. FUCK EVERYONE.

  23. smartaleck Says:

    And I found the pikachu-cat thing to be funy and ironic. It was a good way to get people to make funny, outraged coments about something so irrelevant.

  24. smartaleck Says:

    Spyro is co-dependent. His mood depends on the color of his dragonfly.

  25. David Says:

    Panzer-Stier Ross:

    Squall never whined, he was just withdrawn. You would be too if you were surrounded by the people he was surrounded by. Also, the point of him was he was an angsty loner who gets his mind explored thentransforms into something else, its called characterization… dear God why am I explaining this?

  26. Sunie Says:

    I would have liked to see Jak from Jak & Daxter on here. Now there’s a guy with issues. Multiple personality disorder, homicidal tendencies, dependency on what the psychiatrist would probably describe as a loud orange cat, daddy issues, stalked by a creepy redheaded pedophile….

  27. SickBoy Says:

    Awesome, and actually quite accurate.

  28. noirakita Says:

    I want to know what disorder Knuckles the Echidna has. That whole world is screwed up.

    Loved this article, had me in stitches.

  29. certified anorexic Says:

    um u spelled bulimia wrong. i hate it when people butcher my hobbies~

  30. omgcoffeeyay Says:

    Pikachu’s a mouse, dammit! M-O-U-S-E. Am i truly the only one who knows this? derrrrr

  31. masterofcomedy Says:

    Samus Aran, speaking of antisocial disorder, is a definite sociopath. She is a bounty hunter: Someone who hunts and kills men for money. Her adventures, always, lead to the destruction of planet yet she refuses too stop. Most of the problems in the Metroid universe seem to trace back to her: She destroyed the Mother Brain, who, eventually, came in a stronger form and rescued a baby metroid that became the basis for a new breed. This metroid suffered such severe Stockholm Syndrome, despite the torture that she, surely, inflicted upon it that it sacrificed its life for her.

  32. xD Says:

    NO NO YOU’RE ALL WRONG! PIKACHU IS A TROLL!

  33. Scary Dream Says:

    I’ll be honest, I understood the “Pikachu being a cat” thing as more of a “psychiatrist not caring what the hell it is” than a mistake. I can see some analyitical doctor referring to it as “that electric cat thingy over there that won’t shut up”.

    Maybe that’s just me though.

  34. Joe_Chemo Says:

    For the record, Clyde is not one of the Power Ghosts. The correct name is Sue. Guess that you have to be born before 1980 to know that. And, yes, I know how big of a dork I am.

  35. WEBTHUMP! Thursday 26 March 2009 | Hecklerspray Says:

    [...] 3 - Some videogame characters with undiagnosed medical conditions - Cracked [...]

  36. wurrble! Says:

    godammit you people are all so stupid! are you blind?? pikachu is a fucking giraffe you blundering nincompoops. go back to noodle school.

  37. mojo_iv Says:

    what? no crash bandicoot?

  38. Jackal Says:

    There is…an ENDLESS horde of video game characters to make fun of in this fashion. Keep it up. This is quite entertaining.

  39. KT Says:

    This is really funny.

    but I would like to point out that Pikachu is a rat or rodent, not a cat.

  40. cakeNpie Says:

    Great article again SWAIM
    except the Vega comment. shame.

  41. RJ Says:

    Man, I wanted to laugh at some of this stuff, but… It feels like I’veheard it somewhere before, y’know? Like stuff like this goes without saying, and saying it kills the joke? I dunno. I don’t blame you if you disagree. I’m kind of unsure about it.

  42. lol_alf Says:

    For Zangief, I prescribe dance sessions with Gorbachev.
    And Pikachu is a “Pika,” which is like a fat little rabbit.

  43. Billy Says:

    Good article. Will save in Pokeball.

  44. Carlucchi Mama Says:

    Pikachu is definitely a mouse. Rattata = Common Rat.

    Raichu =… Fancy Rat? Giant Mouse?

    and ooooobviously pokemon has a basis in science. EVERYONE knows that Psychic > Poison. Duh.

  45. Frank’s Links - Madoff pays back money… sort of | The Mtn. Locker Room Says:

    [...] Cracked.com -  The best for lists [...]

  46. The Great Geek Manual » Geek Media Round-Up: March 24, 2009 Says:

    [...] Cracked names 12 Video Game Characters With Undiagnosed Mental Disorders. [...]

  47. CaptainTom Says:

    I agree with Ambrose, sequel definately needed.
    I mean how could you miss out the sadistic, tortoise stomping Mario or Luigi’s inferiority complex

  48. AmbroseKalifornia Says:

    Very funny, we need a sequel. Scopophobic Solid Snake? (I better get credit for that!)

  49. JJF Says:

    One of the best things I’ve read on here in awhile…just goes to show what you guys can do when you bother to invest an ounce of thought/creativity into your work.

  50. Panzer-Stier Ross Says:

    Squall is a badass!?

    He’s more of a whiny emo asshole than Cloud. Sure he was more aware of the interest from his female counterparts but that doesn’t make him more of a badass.

    He’s just typical of what happens when Japan tries to interpret angst.

  51. Andrew Says:

    Abso-fucking-lutely hilarious! Great article!

  52. dahwang12 Says:

    This one is great. Soooo funny in many ways.

  53. gypsycourtship Says:

    Cracked columnists with undiagnosed mental disorders:

    Swaim–Hebephrenic: Michael has recently opined indelibly through multiple exhibits the course of his ‘career’ a mental pathology that relegates every thought manifested while huffing nitrous oxide as ‘quote’ ‘unquote:’ “funny.” Exhibition of pathology inherent in a multitude of obsessive reactions characteristic of psychotic break such as the latent ‘inflated opinion of self’ mingled with schizoid “writing compulsion while inebriated by ego.’ Treatment consists of brain-damage therapy paired with Clockwork Orange-style film viewing, followed by a strongly voiced recommendation concerning the completion of his Associates Degree at Devry.

  54. Toothpaste Says:

    also, funny article Swaim, keep it up

  55. Toothpaste Says:

    @Nova: As far as FF fans go I think I might be one of the few people to agree with you

  56. Synchronium Says:

    Maybe Duke Nukem has a phaeochromocytoma?

  57. Jay Says:

    Chuckles @ “jaundiced malingerer” =)

  58. Elle Says:

    I’m not gunna be the 18th person to say the Pikachu thing, but I really want to be.
    Some of these were hilarious. “I gave him some fruit and sent him on his way” and “Have the shadow monsters kill them both” were the best. Oh, and Cloud’s metrosexual affectation.

    …….. fuck it. He’s a rat. A RAT. AN ELECTRIC TALKING GODDAMN RAT.

  59. Video Game Stuff « Paul Muses Says:

    [...] 12 Video Game Characters With Undiagnosed Mental Disorders | Cracked.com [...]

  60. Yacazuma Says:

    That’s a long clip board…

  61. emetophobia Says:

    RAAAGE’s post clearly indicates severe delusions regarding the separation of reality from video games. Likely his delusions stem from too much time staring at a computer or television screen and absentee parenting, causing him to adopt these characters as surrogate guardians. His delusions have led him to believe that these worlds actually exist, and that the story lines have bearing on reality.

    Recommend getting out of the house every once in a while. Also, an aggressive course of SSRI in combination with intensive psychotherapy.

  62. Shoop le Woop Says:

    As pointed out, Pikachu is not a cat. It’s an electrified, overgrown rodent.

    Cloud really should be in the Gender Identities Ward, along with Vega and 90% of the other FF heroes.

  63. Mat The W Says:

    “THIS PISSES ME OFF TO NO EXTENT”

    Really? Not even a little bit?

  64. Nattie Says:

    “SOME FAGGOTS THINKING THEY WILL RAKE IN THE HITS ON THEIR SITE IF THEY USE VIDEO GAMES.”

    Well, would you prefer they used KITTENS? Is that it? You want them to use KITTENS instead of video games?

    Why do you hate America?

  65. Ze Goggles Says:

    RAAAGE seems to be suffering from some deep-seated anger issues, perhaps stemming from an eraly childhood trauma or repressed homosexual urges.

    I would recommend 375 mg of STFU and a suppository of “it’s a comedy website, jeez.”

  66. RAAAGE Says:

    WOW FUCK YOU GUYS YOU TOOK EVERY SINGLE THING OUT OF FUCKING CONTEXT THIS PISSES ME OFF TO NO EXTENT. NOT FUNNY AT ALL, AND NOT GOOD WRITING. SOME FAGGOTS THINKING THEY WILL RAKE IN THE HITS ON THEIR SITE IF THEY USE VIDEO GAMES. IF THE FACTS HELD TRUE IN THEIR OWN VIDEO GAME WORLDS I WOULDN’T BE PISSED. NOW WHAT IF WE WERE THEIR VIDEO GAMES. SITTING AROUND LIKE JACKASSES ALL DAY WHEN THERE IS INFO ON POKEMON TO BE COLLECTED, PRINCESSES TO BE SAVED, WORLDS TO SAVE, AND VILLAINS TO STOP. WE WOULD ALL BE APATHETIC ASSHOLES. THE KIRBY ONE PISSES ME OFF THE MOST BECAUSE HE SWALLOWS EVERYTHING AND DOESN’T SPIT IT BACK OUT. IF HE DOES SPIT IT BACK OUT, THAT MEANS HE DIDN’T EAT IT AT ALL BUT WAS JUST USING IT TO HELP SPRING GARDENS GET THEIR FOOD BACK FROM DEDEDE. FUCK EVERYONE.

  67. Astrolounge Says:

    Pikachu is referred to as an “Electric Mouse” in the game, so it’s a really big rodent.

  68. Code Says:

    @Tim: Tommy appears briefly in GTA 3.

    @ Jamesguz: Get out of the house, man.
    There’s a whole world out there.

  69. Nova Says:

    Don’t forget Cloud has the self-steem of a 14 year old girl who listens to fall out boy.

    He’s also a big time liar. And he may have a possible crush on his nemesis Sephiroth.

    Suggested treatment: Have Squall from Final Fantasy 8 teach him how to be a badass motherfucker.

  70. hot buns, abs like a rock, huge guns, and I got a huge cock Says:

    I always thought Pikachu was a rat. Also, that was irrelevant and the article is great.
    —————–

    It is a rat.

    But the joke was that Ash is crazy and he thinks his house cat is a Pikachu.

  71. Diceman Says:

    The funny is right here Bob. It wants you to know why you didnt call it back.

  72. Tim Says:

    To cocbag:

    um tommy isnt in gta 3 he is in vice city which isnt a sequal as much as its kinda like an expansion, though you may be right about the price a hospital/jail trip is. but i dont think you have to say it so harshly

    funny article anyways swaim.

  73. Bob Says:

    Swaim, Swaim, Swaim…I have one question to ask. Where is the funny?

  74. Stan Lestrange Says:

    I always thought Pikachu was a rat. Also, that was irrelevant and the article is great.

  75. Ian Says:

    You forgot The Milkman.

  76. lyonkyng Says:

    Pikachu is not a cat, that’s an insult to cats

  77. Lorelei Says:

    Tommy Vercetti never goes to prostitutes, they’re nurses!

  78. cocbag Says:

    they fine $100, not 50% in GTA3
    you ignorant fuck. go shit on the keyboard and write another fucking crappy article.

    best line is: despite promises to fans, patient may need to cease work indefinitely

  79. Marluxia Kyoshu Says:

    Teehee~

  80. UndeadMonkey Says:

    I also think that Zangief is disturbed, He wants everyone’s face in his balls. Oh, and also, rat. Pikachu’s a RAT.

  81. Zai Says:

    I always thought there was something wrong with Princess Toadstool, that King Koopa justs want to keep her safe, is there anything wrong with that? Oh! these modern women!

    Great article!

  82. Jamesguz Says:

    Cloud’s “mental disorder” stems from people treating him like shit from his childhood when all he wanted to be was a hero, his best friend Zack was killed by the very company they worked for, he saw his second love Aerith die at the hand of Sephiroth. It was too easy to take a shot at him. Why not take a shot at Sephiroth? He has mommy issues.

  83. Carlitos Says:

    Just beautiful, great writing and great design

  84. das_w00tman Says:

    SWAIM RULES
    else needed?
    think not.
    *eats sandwitch*

  85. Mariam67 Says:

    For some reason I laughed the hardest at “yellow talking cat”.

  86. Nosferatu5 Says:

    Hell yeah, Vercetti.

  87. Infractor Says:

    The diagnosis on Zangief was pricelss. My back is shot and laughing hurts like a bitch (which kind of makes me wonder why I check this site on a dialy basis) and that bit about him constantly fighting Vega from the Gender Identities Ward put me in a considerable amount of pain. It was a good pain…..kind of.

    Keep it up.

  88. Aimee Says:

    I LOVE IT! Oh too funny, thank you for the laugh!

  89. halcyon Says:

    This is the best thing I’ve read thus far this year.

    I LOVE YOU SWAIM!!!

  90. Ashlee Says:

    This was ruined for me as soon as I saw “bulemia” where it should have been “bulimia.” Curse my inherent need for proper spelling.

  91. Steam Lizard Says:

    Cloud’s an easy target, but I don’t think you’ve got the diagnosis quite right. I mean, the man has disassociative identity issues and/or delusions of grandeur out the wazoo, culminating from disappointment in his own career, a traumatic work-related experience, and the death of his role model.

    The bit with his girlfriend, later, didn’t cause further issues as much as they threw extra fuel on the crazy fire.

  92. ArcticMonkey Says:

    Awesome article, made me laugh a lot, especially the Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde one.

  93. jmac74 Says:

    Wow. Just…wow. Awesome article!

    The bit about the rupees were for a bigger sack to hold more rupees was classic (and perhaps an analogy for today’s financial climate?). Can just see the confused expression on Link’s face, as if this was the most natural and obvious thing in the world.

  94. andrew Says:

    dependent personality disorder = banjo kazooie

  95. nanakashima Says:

    u forgot crash bandicoot
    now THAT is messed-up.

  96. Craiggy Poo Says:

    YES! An Ico reference! I salute you, Captain Pedophile!

  97. Poop Says:

    Betamaxrules is a dumbass. The trainer in Yellow is Ash. So. Y’know. Fuck you. Also, the trainer you fight after the Indigo League in either Gold or Silver (can’t recall…) is named Ash.

  98. Craig Says:

    I’m glad that of all the GTA “protagonists” you picked Tommy. Claude was a cypher, and CJ and Niko were both sympathetic despite their behaviour; Tommy Vercetti, on the other hand, was a completely amoral psychopath. Best GTA character ever!

  99. Biz Says:

    Actually, Duke Nuke is a good guy. The only problem with him is that he has “Ghost Disorder”, since the sequel of his game never came to the market.

  100. betamaxrules Says:

    Ash is not a video game character.
    The trainer in the games is just the trainer. Different.
    And pikachu is a rat, not that it makes much difference.
    RAWR FAN WANK

    But yeah, awesome. I lol’d.

  101. Evey Says:

    Made me lul alot!
    Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde one was one of the funniest, and the reference to Vega was hilarious.
    Nice work!

  102. Panzer-Stier Ross Says:

    Not to piss on everyone’s parade but wasn’t the anime in Japan based on the game?

  103. fantastic Says:

    I’ve just bought a computer, and when I switched on the internet Cracked appeared. I have never been happier - March the 23rd will go down in my diary as the day I laughed at comedy. 7 out of 10.

  104. ........ Says:

    disregard my last comment
    damn you anonymous internet humorless buzzkills
    you’ve infected me

    nice, swaim

  105. ........ Says:

    lynny fails. the whole point of the show was to go with the game.

  106. Stan Says:

    Technically Tourette’s Syndrome is a neurological, not psychological disorder.

    Yes… there is a difference.

  107. ddude28 Says:

    I couldn’t stop laughing the entire time.

    But I couldn’t help but notice that “it” (Navi the fairy) wasn’t mentioned at all during link’s file.

  108. Lynny Says:

    Ash isn’t a video game character. He got his role in animation.

    If you want to talk pokemon, it’s Red.

  109. noxteryn Says:

    Meh, moderate lolz…

    Should have had the protagonist from “Kingpin: Life of Crime” in place of Duke Nukem.

  110. Danjer047 Says:

    That was a great article!!!!!

  111. Yasmin Says:

    I can tell that “Someone” is a basement dweller supreme.

  112. PhilipwithoneL Says:

    Lol’d pretty hard at Tommy Vercetti’s suggested treatment.
    Also was the Popeye’s syndrome in Cloud’s thing a reference to how his arms looked in FF7?

  113. Andy Says:

    ‘Someone’ is really rubbish.

    Good article.

  114. Someone Says:

    It’s a good article except for the Pokemon part.

    1.) Ash is not a video game character. He is an anime character. The boy of the Red/Blue/Green/Yellow games was a character named Red (Also appearing at the end of Gold/Silver/Crystal)

    2.) Pikachu isn’t a cat. Pikachu is an electric mouse/rodent.

    3.) He also doesn’t try to ‘catch them all’. He wanted to try and catch a lot at the beginning of the series, but that’s it.

    More research is obviously needed.

  115. Pedro Sanchez Says:

    awesome. i’m sure many of these character traits were devised at the video game developers’ conference of 1979.

  116. Jessica Says:

    S.W.A.I.M., your articles have been awesome, lately. Keep it up.

  117. Trish Says:

    Definitely the best article yet!

  118. tom Says:

    your best work so far =] more of these please eleven out of ten

  119. Dunbar Says:

    Best. Article. Yet.

    Keep up the good work.

  120. David Says:

    Oh, I also agree with Liz, a lot of FF characters have issues… using FF7 as an example, Tifa has the same issue as Princess Toadstool (despite being able to kick enormous amounts of ass herself), Yuffie obviously has dad issues, Vincent has a schizoid disease worse than Cloud, Cid has Tourette’s Syndrome that makes him shout out random symbols (like @#$%!), and Barret… well, is there a disease for being a stereotype?

  121. David Says:

    I liked the Cloud one the best, but maybe thats because FF7 is my second favorite game of all time. I also liked the Princess Toadstool and Ashe ones.

  122. voidsoul22 Says:

    This was a classic. 10/10

  123. RD Says:

    Loved it.

    Cloud was great, pkmn was funny too, and Kirby. Cloud was my fave. I always knew there was something up with his spikey little head. He’s cool and mentally depraved at the same time.

  124. Enabsflow Says:

    Nice work, mr. swaim. Shocked you didn’t charge Bowser (King Koopa) with child abuse and power abuser.

  125. ala5150 Says:

    Dear Lord. Everything makes sense.

  126. Vinnie Says:

    Haha, I liked Cloud’s one. And I agree with another commenter - there is a slight schizophrenic affliction in the kid’s mind. :P If you’ve played the game or its prequel, you find out…

  127. Liz Says:

    I really think Part II of this article could easily be “Final Fantasy characters with undiagnosed Mental Disorders”. Cloud is really just scraping the surface. I get the feeling Square doesn’t do character sketches, so much as pull out the DSM.

  128. Anonymouse Says:

    This article was hilarious and I demand MOAR.

  129. Im_a_Vandal Says:

    God I love you

  130. DoyleRules Says:

    All hail Swaim

  131. painmakeyourway Says:

    hahaha yep, spot on

  132. elspeth Says:

    always a pleasure to read a swaim blog - the things reek quality, transcending the word blog, which sounds like a form of toliet paper mulch. Woohoo!

  133. ~~ Says:

    I still want pictures of you being naked, Swaim.

  134. Pistolero Says:

    Sonic and Link’s were awesome.

  135. Viergacht Says:

    “Recommend moving her to another castle”
    That expkains EVERYTHING!

  136. The March 23 Hot Link Orgy | Blog of Hilarity Says:

    [...] husband’s penis for cheating -Archie always made a lot of sacrifices for Betty (funny pic) -12 video game characters with severe undiagnosed mental disorders -How to be a supervillain: An important how-to [...]

  137. Matt Says:

    @Mavrickindigo:

    I’ve been a fan since I was a little kid (not so much anymore), but I’ve never played Gold/Silver, but if I’m not mistaken isn’t Ash at the very end of Gold/Silver with his level 81 Pikachu?

  138. Jill~ Says:

    omg! nice, make more of these!!

  139. Mavrickindigo Says:

    @skittle: Ash is an anime character, he does not appear in any of the Pokemon Games, save for “Pokemon Puzzle League”, which uses the anime characters. He first appeared in the anime and is thus an anime character

  140. DrOoo Says:

    @Maryjane:

    Vega is a spaniard bull fighter that has a serious narcism problem, he was famous in Spain but he was more conerned with his beuaty, Bison funded some of his surgerys and then he started fighting in underground brawls. Bison fully recruited him as one of his “Devas” (officers) but when bison was killed by Gouki (akuma) Vega dissapeared and stayed hidden for a while until Bison cam back in his new cyborg body and recruited Vega again. Play SFIV to find out waht happens to him in between SF2 and SF3. Hope that helps :)

  141. nesh Says:

    even chuck norris wanted to have sex with this article.

  142. Larwick Says:

    Arrgh that was gooood.

  143. DrOoo Says:

    Zangief made me LOL IRL. I did a presentation on Bigorexia a couple of maonths back he is suck a perfect example, and the emo reference was funny as well. But Vega’s comment takes the cake hahaha.

    BTW your just jealous of his beauty. Bow in pressence of the Claw!

  144. Dorkus Malorkus Says:

    This was an incredible article. Michael Swaim, I still want to have your babies.

  145. Phil Says:

    To Michael from 7:10am this morning
    Too bad your honours degree in Psych didnt teach you how to spell honors (or honours north of 49)…or article…or perfect…

    To Michael from TAM and what I assume must be land of genius…
    Bravo sir. Bravo.

  146. george clinton Says:

    i second that, swaim ftw. now where’s my fucking cocaine….

  147. KatyaDahl Says:

    i’d say that kirby should be diagnosed as having pika moreso than bulimia

  148. lol Says:

    haha i have ADD and was expecting sonic to be ADHD lol, boo hiss about electro therapy tho, medical marijuana is the cure

  149. shane Says:

    I thought I already knew what win looked like, then I saw this article.

  150. Zach Says:

    My confession to you, Mr. Swaim, and this might upset you Swaim’s fanboys out there, but keep reading:

    I never liked you. I always thought of you as a random guy who’s good at writing and tries to be funny. Hard. So hard it was pathetic. S.W.A.I.M.? “Slander Without Any Inherent Meaning?” Bwargh. Truthfully, you never made me laugh; not even a crack of grin. I even tried to read your articles after several intakes of sativa. Meh.

    Swaim, I’m not being an ignorance hater; I’m being sincere.

    However — hold back your shoes and spits, Swaim and the fans, save your strength, and listen to me a little longer — after reading this article, I bursted out with laughters. Fuck, my tummy’s still hurting. And I don’t even play video games that much. This article is one of the funniest articles I have read for so long.

    Alright, it is now a good time to bombard me with spiteful comments - and shoes and spits. I’ll gracefully take each and every one of them as a fraternity initiation, as I’m welcoming myself to being Swaim’s fan. May I have a couple more, sir!

    Sincerely,
    Zach

    P.S. I printed this article and put it on my fridge.

  151. Swaimfan Says:

    Despite not ever failing, you have totally redeemed yourself with this article.

    Glad to see you used worrisome, that’s an intrinsically funny word right there.

  152. Patrick Says:

    Probably the funniest thing I’ve ever read on Cracked.

  153. Michael Says:

    As I’m completing my honers degree in Psychology, this artical was PERFICT! You really captured the disorders.

  154. Robert Brockway Says:

    I second SoulPhox.

  155. TaquitoSensei Says:

    I love this line
    “When I asked what the rupees were for, patient replied that they were to buy a larger sack to hold more rupees”

  156. Johnangel13 Says:

    one of your better ones. the format was done nicely.

  157. SoulPhox Says:

    I vote Swaim for the winner of the internet. Any seconds?

  158. soupcan Says:

    I loved this

  159. Lazy Garfield Says:

    @ Archaon6044 - Play ICO, or read about it somewhere. You will understand who is Yorda.

  160. Tiffany Says:

    This was amazing!!!
    Do me now

  161. ShaKha Says:

    Someone’s majoring in psychology! I’m currently in a course studying this exact same stuff. Just thought I’d share.

  162. Nick Says:

    Nice work, I especially love the fact that you had an ICO reference

  163. Tony Says:

    Swaim, there’s no way you could kick more ass! Great work!

  164. Archaon6044 Says:

    and who the hell is Yorda?

  165. Archaon6044 Says:

    lol “Reccomend moving to another Castle”
    haha! clever

  166. Maggie Says:

    Yorda can shoot magic missiles? You little bitch, I was beating shadow monsters with a goddamn two-by-four while you just stood there! I’m gonna push you off one of the many softly-lit picturesque cliffs.

  167. Terry from Niagara Says:

    Nice work again, Swaim. I’d have to say you’re my favourite writer at Cracked. I enjoyed Wario’s constant and emphatic claim that he’s “a-gonna win.” Now, I go to fail an exam. Cheers.

  168. Eric Says:

    @Nikacho: the video games existed before the seizure-inducing anime

  169. shannon Says:

    once again you rock, wicked article

  170. skittle_muffins Says:

    ha ha great article, was really funny! swaim is my fav columnist

    :D

    @ Nickacho : ash IS a video game charecter, pokemon was a video game first then it became an anime cartoon

  171. Sateriel Says:

    What about Jester from SOCOM? He seems to be suffering from Tourette’s and OCD plus suicidal tendencies due to the fact that all he does is run directly into enemy fire and scream “Boo-ya!!!”

    Recommended treatment: Either Valium and further combat training, or just say screw the mission and shoot him yourself even through it will mean your own men will kill you. Usually I prefer the latter.

  172. Maryjane69 Says:

    “he seems to do nothing but get into fights with Vega from the gender identities ward”

    Awesome!! I laffed so hard man! Yeah Vega used to worry me as a kid because it could literally be anything from man to woman to scary evil fish/snake/alligator/man/woman with eye lasers.

    Just out of interest does anyone know on good authority just who and what Vega is/was???

  173. Moro Says:

    Ah Yorda… she just doesn’t know how to save herself, I guess.

    I loved this article. Good job Swaim!

  174. vynsane Says:

    playbahnosh - OMG! you were FIRST!! be sure to pick up all the pussy and/or dick that will be coming your way because you were first to post absolutely nothing of consequence in the comment section of a blog post about video game neuroses. there’s only a 24 hour window on such sexual escapades after being the FIRST!!

    that said “also worrisome, at last week’s group therapy session clyde was just eyeballs” is pure gold!

  175. Sefiroto Says:

    Hilarious! I’m going with metrosexual affectation for the explanation of Cloud’s bulging forearms.

    Vega in the Gender Identities Ward - I can totally imagine that.

  176. anaughtybear Says:

    I just wanted to point out what a gaywad Nikacho is for knowing anything at all about Pokemon.

  177. Barloq Says:

    That was really funny. Congratulations!

  178. Ciansy Says:

    Excellent work, Swaim! My personal highlights were “DSM-VG” and “at last week’s group therapy session Clyde was just eyeballs”.

  179. Nikacho Says:

    Satoshi [AKA ash] isn’t a video game character. More like an anime character.

  180. German_Panda Says:

    The one about Ash was, funny.

    The whole article was so sarcastic. XD

  181. BuckleAU Says:

    I think an honorable mention should have been made for the “Blob” from “A boy and his blob”, who appears to have a jellybean addiction/ diabetes?

  182. BuckleAU Says:

    Superb article. I tend to just glaze over the blog posts, but this one was very good.

  183. Panzer-Stier Ross Says:

    Natnie, when I first saw the title of this article I immediately thought Cloud = Schizo.

    I mean you’re right, I think his budding homosexuality is the thing he needs to deal with first.

  184. H8Monster Says:

    Thank you sir Swaim,

    And as the Grandmaster Of Monkey Awesometude, I dub the An Abbot* Of Monkey Awesometude.

    *Yes, I’m fully aware of what i’m typing.

  185. NoWhere_Man Says:

    I’m gonna be revealing much about myself when i say this but, Pikachu is a mouse, not a cat.

  186. Natnie Says:

    I think being cold is the least of Cloud’s problems. Rather than schizoid I would say shizophrenic.

  187. Christine Says:

    WHy would they put the M key next to the N?

    Stupid Nuther Duckers

  188. Christine Says:

    I meant Swaim, SWAIM…..with an M………I know how to spell your name I’m just slightly drunk, that’s all…………

  189. Christine Says:

    Oh, Swain you brighten my day.

  190. GeorgieMikey Says:

    We should have a bromance Swaim

  191. zy Says:

    omg i loled hard. well written!

  192. divechaz Says:

    Second..:-) Great work Swaim! Personally love Wario and Princess Toadstool .. “Recommend moving to another castle”. HAH!

  193. Playbahnosh Says:

    FIRST!!

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