#6. The Gwyneth Paltrow
Missionary-style sex for about 15 minutes leading to a moderately satisfying orgasm. Then get People magazine to call it the most incredible sex ever.
#5. The Quentin Tarantino-Means-No
This is actually more of a non-sex act. Just a fun way to tell your lover you're not in the mood.
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"OK, but shouldn't my sex act have something to do with Uma Thurman's feet?"
#4. The Meh-Donna
The Meh-Donna is sex with someone just for bragging rights. You'll go there, but you're really not that excited about it anymore.
Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images Entertainment/GettyÂ
Yeah, I guess.
#3. David Letterman Join Us
While the "David Let a Man Join Us" sounds like a menage a trois, it's actually just code for whatever kind of sex you want, as long as Paul Shaffer watches.
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"I'll just be over here. Don't mind me."
#2. The Michael Boob-Lay
You know what this is. Don't do it. It's silly.
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"I don't get it? Oh. Grow up, guys!"
#1. The Richard Dawkins
Place your female partner on the bed and sit across from her in a chair while wearing a cardigan sweater or smart blazer. Then cross your legs in a dignified manner and wait. When your partner asks why you're not engaging in sex, eloquently explain that while the male orgasm shows tangible proof via a sperm-filled discharge, the female orgasm cannot be visualized and, therefore, does not exist. When she asks you to try intercourse anyway because it feels good, tell her she is delusional. When she asks if you won't at least perform oral, tell her sternly that only fools kneel.
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"Have fun with my disciples hating you, Gladstone."
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