Hey. Hey buddy.
You've got a ... a thing ...
*clumsily paws at my own face to indicate where you might do the same*
No, you missed it. What is that?
Is it food? A bit of jam? Some bread crumbs?
An entire drumstick?
OK, well ... OK. I don't want to disrespect you. I don't know where you come from, but that seems like a lot of food to have on one's face. Unless you're getting paid for it, like those Japanese ladies who let dudes eat sushi off them. Is that it? Have I interrupted you on the way to a gig?
Holy shit, it's moving!
#10. A Bug
Is that a bug!? It's moving around like it has intent of its own. No food could do that.
Hulton Archive/Getty Images
Some bugs barely could.
Wait. Maybe that was just your cheek moving, understandably flinching as a stranger reached out to touch it.
So what is that?
#9. A Mole
I'm so sorry. That's a mole, isn't it? An unfortunate-looking birthmark that could be mistaken for a bug or an entire drumstick.
Though I bet in some cultures, you would be worshiped.
I feel awful for bringing this up and then going on and on about it at length, way, way past the point where a normal person would have stopped. And oh pickles, I'm still doing it, aren't I? You deserve respect and dignity, and for people to not reach out and touch your face and ...
Oh shit. That's not a birthmark at all.
#8. A Tattoo
Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
OK, I get it now. It's a tattoo. Cool! I guess. Let's try that again. Cool?
Manuel Faba Ortega/iStock/Getty Images
You must have a fun time on job interviews.
Odd that you would get a tattoo so reminiscent of a beetle / an entire drumstick. But then again, I'm one of the least cool people alive, so I'm hardly the best judge of what's fly these days.
It's not a tattoo?
Wait. Hang on. Oh, I see what it is now.
#7. A Religious Headdress
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Oh God, I'm so sorry. That's a head dress or partial face covering of religious significance! I'm so sorry for calling attention to it, and also for shrieking "Oh God," earlier in this apology.
Eyecandy Images/Getty Images
To be fair, the head coverings of my religion are considerably different than yours.
Oh, hang on, no. That was just the shadow falling over your face as you stepped from the light. Quit trying to get away from me. Come on now. Let's solve this together.
#6. The Mark Of The Chosen One
Oh holy crap. It couldn't be. The mark of the chosen one! The sign of the one who will lead us to greatness!
And pay the ultimate price!
Please, chosen one. Allow me to anoint you.