11 Steps To Crashing a Royal Wedding

#5. Dancing

The first dance belongs to the couple, and again, interfering with this is likely to end in gunshot wounds, rather than the bruised kidneys we were going for. Wait for the second dance, and then try to start a waltz battle, using lots of posturing and aggressive chest pounding. Use the significant amount of pants slippage you should now be experiencing as part of your "throw down," by pretending to tangle up your legs in your own trousers only to use that as an entry to some advanced floorwork, which itself leads to more posturing -- now substantially more pantsless and thus more intimidating.

#4. Awkward Jokes About the Production of Male Heirs

Make them.

"Hor hor hor hor hor! Vaginal Sex! Hor hor hor hor hor!"

#3. Make Friends With an Animal

One of the more exotic guests will always brings a tame tiger or llama to these things, so find out where that's being kept penned and introduce yourself with a gift of berries or raw meat. Whisper to them that you're really the same, not meant for this place, not meant for this caged and hunted existence. Who the fuck closes the bar at 8:00pm? Fucking amateur hour that's who.

#2. Assertiveness

When someone asks who specifically you think you are, and you've forgotten your cover story, respond by striking them, open palmed, in the groin. Repeat with the three people nearest to you -- they will have similar questions about your identity. Depending on the level of cultural development in the societies these particular guests originate from, prepare yourself for combat by fisticuffs, swordplay or knife shoes.

#1. Great Escape

Assuming you survive the Assertiveness step above (you should be in OK shape if you were the one with knife shoes) it is now time to get kicked out of this party. The trick to getting kicked out of a party like a gentleman is to do so with a well planed coup de grace -- in this case, a charge down the grand staircase of the palace/Planet Hollywood on the back of a llama, who is tripping over the pants you have put on it, hoping to disguise it as a reverse centaur. Your escape, cut short by a llama spill yards from the exit, will result in a spectacular ejection from the party, and a diplomatic black mark the Kingdom of Siam will not soon erase.

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Chris Bucholz

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