Few of our readers know that Cracked's full legal name is the "Cracked Foundation for Scholastic Achievement," and has been since 2008, when we discovered we couldn't register as a religion because of all the swear words we'd published. This name comes with certain responsibilities though, and according to our lawyers, if we don't do at least one thing a year to actually address scholastic achievement, we will all go to prison. Our lawyers then pointed out that we will not do well in prison,
and made several uncomfortable hand gestures to illustrate this fact. Upon hearing this, we immediately agreed to "address scholastic achievement, and then sprinted from the room before the lawyers could tell us what they meant by "address." Which should make everything that happens next in this article nice and legal. So, with final exams just around the corner for millions of college students, Cracked has slapped together what we believe to be the most exam-tacular preparation tips those spoon-fed ivory tower eggheads will have ever seen. If you are one of those sneering liberal elites, choose to follow this advice to the letter, and don't get seven A's and a handshake from the mayor, we at Cracked promise to all feel just awful.Tip #1: Index Cards
For every subject you're studying, write down key facts and figures on a set of index cards. By carrying these cards around with you, you'll be able to refer to them during spare minutes and other down time, enabling you to study on the bus, on the toilet, or while going to the toilet on the bus.Tip #2: Highlighter
Use a highlighter to color words in your books. This will make it feel like you're actually studying. Actually studying involves reading the words, which is also good, but much more time consuming, and frankly discriminatory against people who don't want to read.Tip #3: Study Group
Try joining a study group to help you prepare for exams. Assign sections of the material to each person in the group, then make that person provide a summary of the key information in that section to the rest of the group. Because the effectiveness of this technique depends on the people involved, finding the right study group is important. An easy trick for this: if you can't tell which one of your study friends is the dumb one, then it's probably you. This is thus an excellent study group for you.
In exam-mad Japan, study groups have complicated rituals.Tip #4: Not Kidding Anyone
It's time to just admit that you're hosed. There is no chance at all that you'll be able to pull this off, and if we're being honest, you'd probably be better off smacking yourself in the crotch with a hammer labeled "Self-Deception" then you would be by studying. With that taken as fact, the smartest thing you could do right now is just give up and stop wasting your time. Congratulations on making a very grown up decision.Tip #5: The Shame
But having come to that very mature decision, you can just picture your dad. And he's not one of the "I'm just disappointed in you" types. FATHER: -angry-
You spent twenty eight thousand dollars to jerk off and play video games? Don't answer me. I don't want to know the truth. I doubt it's better. In fact I think I'm actually being pretty charitable describing your life. Yeah, you honestly can't live through several decades of that. So maybe it's time to buck up and find an alternative solution. Study-Ho!Tip #6: Hot For Teacher (for the right price)
You honestly have very little to lose from at least asking to nail your professor in exchange for a better grade. If the professor isn't agreeable to it, offer to pleasure their spouse, thus freeing up your professor's valuable time for more research. Be sure to bring along a "Sexin' Resume" to further establish your credentials.
Tip #7: Bomb Threats
For the reasons described above (dads, yelling) bomb threats have become nearly ubiquitous on college campuses during exam season. Many authorities won't even delay exams upon receiving a threat now, unless they perceive the threat is in some way credible. So, make your threat credible by blowing up a smaller, less important building earlier in the week. The drama building for example.Tip #8: The Ringer
Browse your local dating website looking for people with pictures that look somewhat like you. Pretending to be someone else, Wink/Whisper/Poke/Diddle them to start a dialog, and over the course of a few private messages, see how smart they are. Eventually work the conversation around to them writing an exam under a false name in exchange for some sort of sexual favor. The success rate of this will depend sharply on how desperate people who look like you are for companionship.Tip #9: Technology
Use computers in some way to cheat. Cell phones and such are usually strictly forbidden during exams, but there are ways to use technology to get an edge. Try wrapping some C4 to a computer monitor, and pushing it into the elevator shaft of your chemistry building. Poof, instant delayed exam.
Tip #10: An Offer They Can't Refuse
After writing your exam, loiter around the exam room, attempting to be the last one to hand it in. When you do, shake the professors hand, thanking her for teaching a good class. Use this opportunity to slip her some cash, or a note threatening her cat's life. "Why did you write this using cut out magazine letters?" she asks. "I clearly know it was you who wrote it." Sprint out of there before she can find any more holes in your plan, and hide under a picnic table until everything blows over.Tip #11: Illness
If you think you actually have a chance to pass this exam, but only if you had more time to study, please refer to the "Not Kidding Anyone" tip above. If you still think that way, consider becoming legally ill prior to the exam in order to obtain a doctor's note. Eating uncooked chicken is a pretty good way to do this, but also consider entering an emergency room by dragging your rear end across the floor - the universal sign of irreversible intestinal distress.
Bucholz has gotten less terrified of human contact! Make him reconsider that by Liking His Facebook page or Following Him On Twitter!