Cracked Columnists

Pedophilia. But, You Know, the Good Kind.

Throughout man's history, there have come times when pressing questions are pushed to the forefront of public consciousness. These are the difficult moral quandaries, the issues of shared culture that can either crystallize or polarize our national population.

Abortion.

Gun control.

Gay rights.

These issues and the reasoned debate surrounding each shape our cultural landscape and define who we are as a people. Thats why, once and for all, I say we must take it upon ourselves to settle the most pressing question of all: Should teachers bang their students?

A seminal discussion about the topic was under way at a conference of debate teams from Edinburgh schools, but sadly the Catholic Church took some time off from declaring pedophilia a sin to shut the debates down.

What, so not only do you take away our right to commit pedophilia, now we cant even talk about it? Way to be a buzzkill, Pope. No wonder MJ never invites you to his ragers anymore.

Well, even the Pope cant stop the flow of free discourse on the Internet (largely because he believes it to be a system of rope nets used to catch demons). Therefore, I propose that we, the people of Cracked, get to the bottom of this sticky, hot, sexy issue.

In honor of the valiant efforts made by Scottish schoolchildren to debate the merits of child molestation in a calm and structured fashion, I shall present both sides of the argument in clear and unbiased language, and then open the floor for further discussion.

ABSTRACT

Increasingly, we have found that the lithe, seductive mistresses flocking our elementary schools have been unable to resist the allure of quivering, hairless boy-loins.

Should we struggle to put this practice to an endperhaps by strapping all teachers into some sort of restraining device while they instructor should we rather accept it as a natural and beautiful form of love, and high five the boys in question?

THE CASE FOR

Our cultures social mores are forever expanding outwards. Less than a century ago, a man cheating on his wife would have been considered taboo, and today we have outgoing and incoming Governors of New York both of whom cop to adultery (although one is blind, so it may have been accidental), as well as a former President whose heartwarming affair made him so popular his wife may now take the office.

Homosexuality, once considered a sin so grave that those committing it were stoned to death, is now the foundation of our fashion industry and greatest resource for determining Americas next top model. Clearly, a trend has been set: one by one, the social taboos considered unbreakable are found to be not really so bad.

One could argue that by recently earmarking pedophilia as a Deadly Social Sin, the Pope himself is actually laying the groundwork for the eventual acceptance by society of pedophilia as an enjoyable and valid form of love between humans.

Provided those humans are a female teacher and male student. Otherwise its just freaky.

THE CASE AGAINST

The belief that children and teachers should be allowed to have sex is narrow-minded and shockingly self-delusional. In case youve forgotten, not all teachers look this good on a bike:

No, in fact most Seventh Grade math teachers are named Mrs. Bassmagy and look like a cross between your Mother and a rather stern Walter Kronkite. I appeal not to your sense of morality, but your sense of decorum. Encouraging our youngsters to settle for this kind of tail is criminal, and lowers the expectations of all involved.

From the students point of view, while it may provide a cheap thrill in the short term, he is destined never to accomplish a similar feat of sexual prowess; short of nailing a supermodel or killing a dinosaur, hes peaked at twelve. And from the teachers point of view, most young boys are woefully inexperienced when it comes to the art of pleasuring a woman.

So unless we institute some kind of sexual training programsay, allowing buxom teachers to instruct our boys in the ways of lovemakingthen the act of allowing buxom teachers to instruct our boys in the ways of lovemaking is obscene and should be condemned by all.

Well, there you have it. An exhaustive look at all sides of the issue. Though I find it hard to believe you could possibly have anything to add, Ive never been one to overlook an opportunity to call someone a master debater.

Thoughts?


When not blogging for Cracked, Michael is on the forefront of sexual deviancy as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!

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