A New Beatles Album You Won't Buy (But I Will)
If there's anything classic rock nerds lust after more than a night with Chrissie Hynde, its the oft-heard promise of NEW BEATLES TRACKS.
Most of them...okay, us...would gladly shell out for a box set of recordings of John Lennon slowly decomposing, as long as it had some light harpsichord and a message of universal love.
But all good things must end, and the ever-diminishing pool of unreleased, re-mastered, and pre-un-de-recorded tracks of the boys improvising into a shitty 8-track means that every new Beatles track is inevitably scraped from an even deeper, heretofore unexplored part of the barrel. Tupac they aint.
This weeks scrapings are a few recordings of the Beatles playing at a club in Germany. The quality is dubious, and its reputed to be Ringos first performance with the band.
For those who havent heard about Ringos arduous journey towards adequacy, his first performance probably looked like an orangutan flailing at a particularly stubborn coconut.
Have we gotten to this point? Is there really an appreciable market for what is likely the third most regrettable moment of the Beatles existence (the second being Lennons assassination and the first being that bitch Heather Mills scamming Paulie out of his Yesterday money)?
Does it really take a lawsuit from Apple Records to keep the hordes of decrepit Beatles fans from bursting down the door in an attempt to get their grubby hands on a slice of the one decade when their opinions were relevant?
The answer to all of these questions is of course an emphatic yes. I will be the first in line to buy not only the album, but also the accompanying coffee table book detailing its creation. Hooray capitalism!
Also, hey, how was your Easter? My delicious-ham to violent-family-meltdown ratio was up this year...truly, the Lord moves in all of us.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael harasses the estate of George Martin as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
Beatles? I'll never understand people. Solar Fragment is better.
ReplyIf you look really close at the Chrissie Hynde / Derek Smalls picture there you can almost see the cucumber.
ReplyThat kind of upset me too, there Brentin. I think you and I need to get a life.
ReplyMy fever broke on Easter monday... when I had called in sick... and still worked from home to meet the client's deadline. I drank a lot of Buckley's Cough Mixture.
ReplyI spent my Easter crying over the fact I knew Lex Friedman's smiling face wouldn't be greeting me on Monday morning...
ReplyDoes Chrissie Hynde have breasts? Does she store them away for special occasions?
ReplyRod Stewart wants his clothes back though.
My Easter Sunday involved me having one chocolate egg, then going out drinking.
I almost got into 2 fights somehow, one was a delayed fight from almost a month ago that in some wierd passage of time way has finally caught up to me, and the other was just some asshole in McDonalds who was pissing everyone off.
On an even manlier note I stubbed out two candles with my bare hands. Then drank a shot composed of Jack Daniels and Jager.
Also, why is blog-time EST, while comment section time is PST? it is confusing.
ReplyNot to rub salt in anyone's wounds, but I gotta go with the group consensus here. That doesn't mean she doesn't kick ass though.
ReplyYES, MY EASTER WAS PLEASANT AS WELL. I AM ENJOYING THIS CONVERSATION THOROUGHLY.
ReplyI'm sorry. I regret writing that, Overlord Swaim.
Replyglendoor42:
ReplyI watched Spinal Tap again for the umpteenth time, and I agree - she looks like Harry Shearer/Derek Small. If the moustache was there, the resemblance would be uncanny.
Swaim has a thing for masculine women.
Well if you think that a chick that looks like Harry Shearer in drag are hot, that's your business and if that is the case you might want to reconsider your sexual orientation,......
Reply.........but I'll shut up.
I clearly recall captioning that photo "shut up."
ReplyShe does have some abnormally broad shoulders.....
ReplyIf you say so, to me she kind of looks like Derek Smalls from Spinal Tap without the mustache.
ReplyThe hottest dude you've ever seen.
ReplyOh yeah, Chrissie Hynde looks like a dude in that picture.
ReplyThe Easter Bunny and I got into a disagreement this year. That fucking bunny was told if brought Easter grass into my house one more time there would be a reckoning.
ReplyEaster grass is like sand and cockroaches, it gets everywhere and is almost impossible to get rid of the fucking shit. I'm tired of picking up Easter grass up to a year after the bunny's
visit. I told him that I bet some of the grass I find has probably been here since my kids still believed in him (That kind of hurt his feelings, made him feel old).
Well he brought the goddamn grass and I so I shot him. I made a casserole with him for tonight and my family will not know the difference seeing how he tastes like chicken.
But on I happy note I will not have to pick up Easter grass again.
My Easter contained going to church. And rolling coloured eggs. And going to visit relatives. And is still managed to put obscene our of PC-ing between them
Reply.
Everytime I think of Heather Mills my face gets angry. But it's like you anticipated that and put a picture of Chrissie Hynde up there so I wouldn't get so angry I'd kill people.
ReplyI love you, CRACKED.