10 Toys from the 80s That Just Didn't Care

Sky Commanders

Sky Commanders were the defenders of the high frontier. Now, what that means is that someone had a whole bunch of action figures, a whole bunch of string and zero fucks to give. They created Sky Commanders, action figures that traveled exclusively by zipline. In order to play with them, you had to clamp strings around your room; from your door knob to your bed, or from every clampable surface to your Vector Command action playset. I'm not one for safety, but letting a kid command the skies near a tapered plastic tower in a room full of tripwires can only lead to one thing: the first true story ever told to an emergency proctologist.

Ram Man

He-Man toys were categorically insane. Moss Man was scented, Mek-a-Neck grew a 10-inch cyber-boner on his neck when you wiggled his waist, and Fisto was named Fisto. Our parents made gay jokes about us while we played with He-Man toys, and Ram Man was the star of all of them. He was the only action figure released in the last 200 years that had zero points of articulation. The only movement he could make was cramming his feet up his own ass and twisting his arms into a curtsy. He was just a vaguely man-shaped lump. Giving your kid Ram Man was just an $8 way of telling him to use his imagination and fuck himself. Ram Man was like a toy some pioneer would find along on the Trail of Tears and say, "Ugh, that is the most depressing thing I've ever seen."

Voltron Vehicle Force

Regular Voltron kicked ass -- five lion robots that merged to form the Defender of the Universe with lion hands and lion feet! Vehicle Force Voltron wasn't quite as great. It was a collection of 15 shitty vehicles that stacked to form a giant fire hydrant with compact cars for roller skates. It was almost impossible how much he sucked in both his forms. It's like the designer had never seen a robot or a vehicle. For instance, he gave Voltron Vehicle Force fists for fists, so two of cars were just fists on wheels. What kind of Voltron union is there where you can design something like this and not get fired? The goddamn idiot made it so Voltron's legs transformed into legs on wheels. That's not clever. That's not fucking anything! If I wanted to see something ugly just break apart and get put on wheels, I'd roadie for Lady Gaga.

Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors

The Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors show was so awesome that logic gave it a free pass to do whatever the hell it wanted. Watch this video and see if you can spot a single person, Saw Boss, narrator, singer or truck-mounted snake giving a fuck:

Mr. T's Water War

Mr. T doesn't do anything simple, sucka. In order to play with his Water War, you hooked his head up to a garden hose. Then, you soaked the Mr. T-brand throwing sponges in water and waited. When a friend, or enemy, walked in front of it, you threw the sponge at Mr. T's head. If you hit him, it sometimes sent the signal for Mr. T to squirt! It was the only toy daring enough to add a 30-step bureaucratic procedure to a water fight.

Looking back, Mr. T's Water War might as well have shot cockroach milk and acid, because there was no chance of it hitting you. And if it did, Mr. T should watch you melt in cockroach milk. For over 20 years, this was the worst celebrity water toy on the market. Today, I'd say it's a toss up between these two:

Seanbaby just won a $50 bet that he couldn't create a context for "Mr. T should watch you melt in cockroach milk." His website is Seanbaby.com. You can follow him on Twitter and face him on Facebook.

Check out more from Seanbaby in What Are Your Top 5 Crime Scene Albums? and Every Women's Magazine Ever.

Recommended For Your Pleasure


  • Rss

More by Seanbaby:

See More
To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!