So here's a fun little quiz for you! The other night I was watching Larry King Live. Why? I'm not sure. It probably had something to do with my testicle clamp being in the shop. Anyway, in less than a minute worth of show, I found no fewer than 10 people or things that pissed me off. I think that's pretty incredible. Here. Why don't you take a look at the clip and see if you can name them all before reading the answers below.
1. Larry King. I hate him. I've always hated him. He simply does not listen to a word that comes out of his guests' mouths. That's worse than being stupid or lazy. It's downright rude. Oh, but he is stupid and lazy. See number 8 below.
2. "Is this the last year of American Idol?" Why are we discussing this on a news show?
3. Simon Cowell. Colossal douchebag who is so easy to make fun of that I will refrain. This was a gimme.
4. Ryan Seacrest (See 3)
5. Randy Jackson (See 3)
6. Paula Abdul (See 3)
7. "Kidding!" Get it? He said the opposite of what he meant. Isn't that the kind of joke 5 year olds tell? "The teacher said you were in trouble" "Really?" "No. . . Kidding!"
8. Larry King isn't sure if Simon is joking. Really? Really?! Where's the confusion? Was it when he threw his hands up and shouted "kidding!" Seriously, what is wrong with you?
9. At least two more years of American Idol? Why? Why? No one has had a sustainable career coming off that show. Let me rephrase that. No man has had a sustainable career coming off that show. It is not designed to create rock stars or even pop stars. It is designed to pad the resumes of people destined to do local theater. Clay Aiken is in Spamalot now. Spamalot and he should count himself lucky that Eric Idle deigned to have him in his production. In 5 years, it's all about Carnival Cruises, opening up for Kathy Lee Gifford. And don't get me started on Daughtry. Is that his name? I refuse to even look that up. I promise you his next record tanks. Guaranteed. Yeah, there are some Idol women with pop careers now right? That blonde chick. And the other one? I'm not sure. I'm not a 14 year old girl.
10. Stop complaining you whiny bitch. Everyone hates their job. Everyone. But yours is easy and you get paid millions of dollars to do it. You think I like picking up Lex Friedman's tasteful collection of macs, chapeaus, and other assorted fine head gear from the local haberdashery? No? Did I actually WANT to go to Jack O'Brien's "come as your favorite Star Wars CGI character" costume party? Of course, not. (And Jack, Darth Maul is NOT a CGI character and if by "scary" you meant "willing to experiment sexually" then yes you looked very, very "scary.") But it's my job. And Simon, you have a job too. One that will keep you in tight, black, man-breast hugging shirts forever so shut up and stop whining about it.
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