So here’s a fun little quiz for you! The other night I was watching Larry King Live. Why? I’m not sure. It probably had something to do with my testicle clamp being in the shop. Anyway, in less than a minute worth of show, I found no fewer than 10 people or things that pissed me off. I think that’s pretty incredible. Here. Why don’t you take a look at the clip and see if you can name them all before reading the answers below.
1. Larry King. I hate him. I’ve always hated him. He simply does not listen to a word that comes out of his guests’ mouths. That’s worse than being stupid or lazy. It’s downright rude. Oh, but he is stupid and lazy. See number 8 below.
2. “Is this the last year of American Idol?” Why are we discussing this on a news show?
3. Simon Cowell. Colossal douchebag who is so easy to make fun of that I will refrain. This was a gimme.
4. Ryan Seacrest (See 3)
5. Randy Jackson (See 3)
6. Paula Abdul (See 3)
7. “Kidding!” Get it? He said the opposite of what he meant. Isn’t that the kind of joke 5 year olds tell? “The teacher said you were in trouble” “Really?” “No. . . Kidding!”
8. Larry King isn’t sure if Simon is joking. Really? Really?! Where’s the confusion? Was it when he threw his hands up and shouted “kidding!” Seriously, what is wrong with you?
9. At least two more years of American Idol? Why? Why? No one has had a sustainable career coming off that show. Let me rephrase that. No man has had a sustainable career coming off that show. It is not designed to create rock stars or even pop stars. It is designed to pad the resumes of people destined to do local theater. Clay Aiken is in Spamalot now. Spamalot and he should count himself lucky that Eric Idle deigned to have him in his production. In 5 years, it’s all about Carnival Cruises, opening up for Kathy Lee Gifford. And don’t get me started on Daughtry. Is that his name? I refuse to even look that up. I promise you his next record tanks. Guaranteed. Yeah, there are some Idol women with pop careers now right? That blonde chick. And the other one? I’m not sure. I’m not a 14 year old girl.
10. Stop complaining you whiny bitch. Everyone hates their job. Everyone. But yours is easy and you get paid millions of dollars to do it. You think I like picking up Lex Friedman’s tasteful collection of macs, chapeaus, and other assorted fine head gear from the local haberdashery? No? Did I actually WANT to go to Jack O’Brien’s “come as your favorite Star Wars CGI character” costume party? Of course, not. (And Jack, Darth Maul is NOT a CGI character and if by “scary” you meant “willing to experiment sexually” then yes you looked very, very “scary.”) But it’s my job. And Simon, you have a job too. One that will keep you in tight, black, man-breast hugging shirts forever so shut up and stop whining about it.
Show some love?
This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 9th, 2008 at 3:00 pm and is filed under American Idol, Larry King, News. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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March 28th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Is this the first bare-bones of HBN?! Wow, i have discovered an amazing artifact!
November 4th, 2008 at 3:05 am
Now I hate Simon Cowell even more. I didn’t read the article first, as per suggestion, and I actually thought that they weren’t going to make another one of these shitfests. Goddamnit, now I have to turn to heroin to console myself.
Fuck you, Simon Cowell. Goddamn beaver.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:26 am
hmm it looks like hate by numbers was born here.
June 19th, 2008 at 9:09 am
Sorry, I just want to correct my spelling error:
I think they should make some shows featuring sexy big beauty @ P l u s M e e t . c o m_____,
where many sexy big boobs women, big booty women and big manful guys mingle and seek fun, friends, romance&love together!
June 19th, 2008 at 9:08 am
I think they should ake some shows featuring
sexy big beauties @ P l u s M e e t . c o m_____,
where many sexy big boobs women, big booty women and big manful guys mingle and seek fun, friends, romance&love together!
May 9th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
[...] Cracked - 10 Things That Pissed Me Off About CNN The Other Night [...]
April 25th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
I don’t want to call racist here, but I will. Gladtone=RACIST. There– it is on the table I can’t take it back. But despite that fact, I agree with this article. But it will never go away, like king, because people like having softballs lobbed into their retina as much as king enjoys lobbing them.
April 19th, 2008 at 5:54 am
Proof that King is a mental midget….did you see that interview with Paul & Ringo? King: What makes Paul such a good bass player” Ringo: “His playing is very melodic” King: “What does that mean?” Ringo: “Umm…it means it’s melodic” I tuned in briefly to hear what these guys had to say and was sorry as hell I wasted those three minutes. embarrasing. King is a piece of shit….someone on this earth explain how he continues to have his own show or why guests show up on it. Please?
April 13th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
Not to get off the vital subject of who called whom a bad name in this endless string, but:
Well done.
The thing I hate most about CNN (other than its omnipresence at the airport on every screen) is that nobody has skinned everyone who works and speaks for CNN and worn them as a pullover sweater. Yet. But as someone said in this string: “never say never”.
April 13th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Probably hot lesbian monkey sex, Vicki and can I watch?
April 13th, 2008 at 2:25 am
I just found this girl on a free and hot celeb dating club’RichMatchMaki ng.c om…………But I am curious about what kinds of relationships she was looking for.
April 12th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
I was going to go, but some Teabag Ninja slashed my tires the morning of the audition. Also, I’ve never heard defenseless dogs referred to as “promiscuous teenage girls.”
April 11th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
Oh, before I forget to ask…
Gladstone, did you audtion for that Maine PSA that was on craigslist ? If so, how’d it go ? Can we look forward to a video of it soon. It would dovetail rather nicely with that STD dating website.
I thought that given his obsession with promiscuous teenage girls, Swaim might have been a natural but seeing as you showed an interest… http://maine.craigslist.org/tlg/636566487.html
April 11th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
No biggie. The word “dork” is traditionally used to describe a guy. I’m not technically proficient enough to be considered and nerd and I don’t know of any other synonyms that are used specifically for women. Can “dweeb” be considered gender non-specific ? Does any one know of any words that might solve this dilemma ?
April 11th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
ah, sorry lbh.
April 11th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
@lbh It was the cut head of the Roadrunner or Wile E. humping the Roadrunner. I went gruesome.
She’s a She Gladstone.
April 11th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
What kind of middle aged dork knows the FTW abbreviation? Very impressive, sir.
April 11th, 2008 at 7:20 pm
I wouldn’t say “bad”. Although a little gruesome, that kinda rocks. Then again, I’m a middle aged dork.
April 11th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
C. and I was incredibly drunk when I got B and it really made sense at the time.
The tattoo on my right shoulder was done after much thought and it is still as bad. It’s
Wile E. Coyote holding the severed head of the Roadrunner and it says “NEVER SAY NEVER”
around it.
April 11th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
A. Tattoo of retarded, inbred male of indeterminate age
B. Tattoo of musical instrument that creates a really bad visual pun
I still say “A.” FTW.
April 11th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
@ lbh, Banjo boy was from Georgia hence that would not make much sense as it has been pointed out in this comment section that I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee.
April 11th, 2008 at 11:54 am
I like the idea of Simon, but I don’t actually watch the show.
I can’t stand to watch American news in general, though. I used to have CNN on in the background all the time during middle school, but now it’s Animal Planet and TCM and BBC.
Because, you see, CNN is very irksome.
April 11th, 2008 at 7:51 am
@glendoor: A banjo? Should’ve gotten a tattoo of Banjo Boy (ala Deliverence). Now THAT would have been cool ! Silly redneck.
As for me…this silly yankee is proud to be from the great state of Taxachusetts. Well, sort of.
April 11th, 2008 at 12:00 am
@ Gladstone, well you said the other day that you wanted a flame war with someone else besides you and I stepped right up to the plate for you buddy.
@ kingmonkey +1, Thanks for defending my sexuality and Mrs. glendoor42 says stop wearing her underware and please send it back.
@ Oleo, You completely missed the point, I don’t care what you call me, I really don’t, but if you are going to insult me , do better than a fifth grade insult of calling me gay. That you outed me as the biggest American Idol fan in the world came the closest to pissing me off
but know that everyone knows I’m cool with it.
April 10th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Ahh…me thinks you meant: ‘boobies’ there my friend.
April 10th, 2008 at 10:31 pm
Nice: http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=23&sku=E-CD00318
April 10th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=37&sku=E-CD00420
Sidetrack: Some should write up a Cracked Pres. Bush article…yes? Or the stupidity for anyone that voted for him for the 2nd. Term. Or…let’s bash the US for a bit (NOT the whole US…just those that break the Constitution by not being: accepting, judgemental…knowing that the country (with Big Brother or not), is not (and has never been) the ‘Land of Acceptance’ (immigrants…yes…for cheap labor). Or when Editors on here (for example) decide to edit even ONE comment from somebody in what is supposed to be an ‘open forum’ (uhhhh….yeah). So…someone should do such a write-up. It won’t be me though. I’m too busy sniffing bicycle seats at the school playground (mmmm….and let’s just wait until that recess bell)!
April 10th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
Send Larry King this for his next Birthday (if he lives that long):
http://neilsnotes.com/index.php?page=15&catid=24&sku=CD00428
April 10th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
The only thing better than reading this article was reading all the comments afterward.
A’s, all around!
(Professor Brothers joke, anyone?)
April 10th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Wow, this shit is damn funny. Good work.
April 10th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Everyone that’s angry about that episode of Larry The Cable Guy’s talk show is just mad and jealous because they don’t have the hairstyle prowess of ANY one of those people! Yes, even Randy Jackson, and you know it.
April 10th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
I really think you guys should find an outlet for all this negative energy. May I suggest clicking DIGG on this piece? It really it wonderfully cathartic. You’ve just GOT to try it. I’m telling you. You’ll feel like a million bucks.
April 10th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
Ok, ok…although it’s plain to read that I DID get at Glendoor’s ire, (you can’t debate that) I probably shouldn’t have called him gay. Glendoor, please except my most mature apologies. I just made an assumption about Alabama. I will, from now on, be on my best behavior while posting comments about random blogs on a website known for sophomoric and “5th grade” humor.
April 10th, 2008 at 3:16 pm
No we can’t get along! You just shut up, Stiffen, I hate you with the fiery passion of a thousand exploding suns!
Or do I? It’s so hard to tell, when I’m so easily swayed by the internet. All this negativity… wow.
By the way, Oleo, Glendoor’s definitely not gay; his wife confirmed that when we were in bed recently.
April 10th, 2008 at 3:09 pm
ZING!
April 10th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
*cries* Can’t we all just GET ALONG…????
April 10th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Well Oleo, the day I worry about some shitheads attempt insult me on a comment section is the I eat the business end of my pistol. That day is a long time coming.
That being said, you could have done a lot better to raise my ire than calling me a flaming queen. THAT’s a statement straight out of the fifth grade bratty-ass, nyah-nyah-na-boo-boo
handbook. Next time try harder and more mature if possible.
As far as chickenshit goes speak for yourself. There is not a thing I have ever written in these pages that I would not gladly say to face to face the person in question. In many cases I would much more prefer it. But this being the internet you’ll just have to take my word for that. Pissant.
April 10th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Pish posh, Larry King is awesome. Who doesn’t like dinosaurs?
April 10th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
I’ve never met Glendoor42, but I’m pretty sure he could physically kill me. Just a hunch.
April 10th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Well, it’s obvious Glendoor is such a flaming queen his anus is literally a dead rubber band from all the bottoming he does for his uncles tree-trunk dick. I can tell this not from his gay ass statement about being proud that his home state has dominated his favorite show (it’s obvious it is) but from his bratty-ass, nyah-nyah-na-boo-boo, ‘you can’t tell me what to do’ reply. Jesus Christ, I could practically smell his dirty diaper when reading his reply. What a fucking baby. That being said, they both should shut the fuck up. The blog was about a fucking comedy writer going batshit insane for a minute about the things he hates. You either agree with him on that or not. Everyone knows Simon Cowell is the spawn of the gay devil, but Gladstone’s just funnier about it than you and me. And you can agree with ME on that or not, but either way, the motherfucker gets to do it for his god damn job! So take your horse shit, smarmy remarks towards others, (the ones you only do on these websites, because it’s so much easier to bring the smack down when no one knows just how chicken shit you really are (why do you think I’m writing this?)) and lose them in Glendoor’s giant, stretched out colon.
There. Now Glendoor can’t get mad because this is a “public forum” and I can say what I want and AdamRich can’t get mad because I didn’t say what state I’m from.
April 10th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Larry King is the worst of the worst, if it weren’t for the fact that every PR rep worth their weight in dirt (not like expensive potting soil, but just regular dirt) knows you can bring a client who broke the law to Larry King so he can’t softball them oppertunities to lie their asses off. Remember when he asked Paris Hilton if she ever did drugs and she said “No, never” well anybody with a computer can look up clips of her smoking pot and hanging out on a boat with cocain spilled all over
April 10th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Hello from Michigan! I’m sitting here in my ice-fishing shanty/deer hunting shack playing Euchre with my ridiculously-bearded friends. We eat the best pasties and drive over the Mackinac Bridge 112 times a day. During the Summer (all two months of it) we go down to Detroit where we buy crack on the streets and shoot people cause they be wearing our colors.
Michigan would like to thank you, kingmonkey, and all your hardworking ilk for the beer and for keeping the polar bears from our doorsteps. And we also thank you for not invading our great land over the frozen Great Lakes with your hockey teams and Mounties.
April 10th, 2008 at 11:39 am
I am from Tennessee, but very much enjoy Alabama, and hope to attend college at UA, so i would say, it is a great state, unlike Virgina, where i guess everyone is named after people who are from shows that i am not old enough to have a clue about. So i would cast my vote for Glendoor, give a thumbs down to the giant asshole AdamRich, and beg for maple syrup from kingmonkey.
April 10th, 2008 at 11:39 am
My family watches American Idol so I normally have to listen to it… and I HATE it when Simon whines about how hard it is, or says, “Why am I sitting here?!?!” because one of the singers sucked. Excuse me? You’re getting paid 10 million dollars just to sit on your butt two nights a week and tell people they suck. If you don’t want the job, I’ll take it. I’ll even procure a fake British accent, since apparently “the jerk” on everyone reality show with judges has to be British.
April 10th, 2008 at 11:13 am
I’m proud to hail from the great state of Ontario! Big ups to my homeboys workin’ hard on the ice ranges of the vast northern beer ranches, riding their moose, and keeping the beaver out of Tim Hortons.
April 10th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Diggs and a flame war? My cup overflows!
April 10th, 2008 at 11:07 am
You know what I hate AdamRich? Eight is Enough, that was one of the stupidest show ever on television.
If you are really Adam Rich( which I doubt) the child star who’s career got so bad he had to have a friend fake an article about his death to get some more of the spotlight , your a sad person and I hope the tire business is treating you well.
If you just picked the name Adam Rich because you’re a massive Eight is Enough fan then you’re are a massive retard.
If your parents named you Adam Rich , then you should just go slap them in the face, right now , because they are massive tools for naming you that.
You know what else I hate AdamRich, people who are so fucking full of themselves that they think that they speak for the entire human race when they comment in a forum section
of a humor site. NO ONE cares where I’m from jackass, that is just not true. I can name ten people right off hand the give a shit where I’m from.
You know what else I hate AdamRich people who don’t realize that this is a public forum and I can comment( and do ) about any fucking thing I want to and their is not a Goddamn thing you can do about it. TOUGH SHIT ON YOU.
And it’s Alabama and what funny about it is whether you care or not you will always remember that glendoor42 is from Alabama. I’m so Goddamn proud of being from Alabama that I have a banjo tattooed on my knee.
April 10th, 2008 at 10:32 am
You know What I HATE, glendoor42, people who have to reference their fucking states in every goddamn sentence. No one CARES what state your from, or how GREAT it is, that’s not even the topic of the article. Oh and I don’t watch the show, but just a stab….texas? Fucking hate state lovers. Big ups to VA! WOOT! Thhhhpppp!
April 10th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Gladstone I’ve always thought you were a faggot but I do agree with your sentiments on American idol.
April 10th, 2008 at 10:07 am
Larry is the King interview softballer in a land of ultra solft downy fresh softballs.
April 10th, 2008 at 8:19 am
I’m with ya on everything, except I actually like Simon Cowell. He’s brutally honest and doesn’t give a rat’s ass about what any of the dye-job party favours’ on Idol think. Paula and Randy Bring absolutely nothing to that show.
Uh….not that I watch it.
April 10th, 2008 at 7:36 am
I have to disagree with some of the earlier comments. I liked Gladstone when he sucked.
…
That reads a lot gayer than it did in my head.
April 10th, 2008 at 7:31 am
You’re fired.
April 10th, 2008 at 12:57 am
Good job on not taking the overused “Ryan Seacrest is a closeted queer” jab. It gets old. Although better it be Larry King and “American Idol” than “The View” with guests the judges from “America’s Next Top Model”
April 10th, 2008 at 12:19 am
Idol is a popularity contest. the only people who take it seriously are lame brains who watch and the “talented” contenders
April 9th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
The Larry King interview with Paris Hilton was pathetic. She left herself wide open (as usual, zing) for so many double-entendre laced hilarities, and Larry King just sat there with a blank expression like the elderly monkey in braces that he is.
April 9th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
I would have disguised as… er… however the name of the guy who plays Anakin is pronounced. See, his acting is so awful that i thought he was computer generated.
April 9th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
GMan. Fixed. Thanks.
April 9th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
I like that flying robot octopus thing in Empire Strikes back. The probe thing on Hoth. It is not really CGI though. But as I was not invited to the party I guess it does not matter.
April 9th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
Oops, I got the Paris interview wrong…that was Letterman. Heh heh heh.
April 9th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
awesome Gladstone.
Also ‘Paul Abdul’?
April 9th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
Clay Aiken on Carnival Cruises? Hardly. Not with the songs like this one.
Don’t count him out yet.
http://www.myspace.com/clayaiken
April 9th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Larry King sucks, although did he not kick Paris Hilton’s ass in an interview?
The only “American Idol” who has enjoyed any kind of long term success was the first, Kelly Clarkson. And as much as I hate to admit it I actually like some of her material.
April 9th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
And small, unsatisfying sex it was, i am sure. Next time you should dress up as Larry King’s dog, according to Glendoor he has a massive staff of sexual justice in his old man church pants.
April 9th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
Robb, if you’re only 18, then technically I am old enough to be your dad, as i’m over 30, but trust me i’m not your Dad. I didn’t start having lots of unsafe, promiscuous sex until I became an internet rock star on Cracked.com. Prior to that, the only sex I got was by dressing up as O’Brien’s dog.
April 9th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
Everyone messes with my father, Mr. Gladstone, and its not very nice, but i must say, if i am going to stick up for him, i should get a job with Cracked, i mean, just to make sure his elderly eyes don’t glance over anything on his printing press. Oh, and i got a present to make up for you abandoning me for 18 years, its a sonic ear, so you can hear the TV with out getting up to turn the volume and throwing your hip out of place.
April 9th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
I wil definately help with a website about things I hate. 99% of my conversations are me ranting about everything.
April 9th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Another funny post Gladstone. Parker is right, you have been getting funnier but I still like your old stuff. Everyone who appears on Larry King sucks even if they were awesome before.
April 9th, 2008 at 5:59 pm
I rarely agree with anyone with the absolute veracity that I am now agreeing with Gladstone.
Every. Single. One. Of those people in that video I have prayed nightly to Hephaestus that they would all die in unthinkably hot fires.
Kudos, Gladstone. You’ve made an ally.
April 9th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
This post was better than usual, Gladstone. I thought it was awesome.
April 9th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Thanks(?) Parker. About when did I stop sucking and what old post sucked most?
Just curious is all.
April 9th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
Alright, Darby is not stupid. I’m not saying that Swaim didn’t try to rape her, and I’m not saying I didn’t film it.
But she is very intelligent, especially for such a little puppy.
April 9th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
I used to hate Gladstone’s posts but now I think they are awesome. Thanks for bringing a little humor into the world. I think the Beatles are a cliche.
April 9th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
I’ll admit that #2 is a little off, KM.
April 9th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
I was watching CNN until they explained that Larry King was next and those “judges” were guests. I hate all those people too.
April 9th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
Wait! Larry King is a news program?! Since when?
April 9th, 2008 at 3:39 pm
It’s double comment day, today at Gladstone’s blog.
Thanks. I was just amazed that I hated EVERYONE in the clip. That usually doesn’t happen unless I’m watching a snuff film of Swaim trying to rape O’Brien’s stupid dog.
April 9th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
I do like the article. It clearly states things that I’ve been unable to clearly state, but really wanted to state in a clear, humorous manor.
April 9th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
RAAARGH! I agree! I hate things too! Let’s start a new website where we rant about things we hate. Stupid scientists! Why can’t they make healthy food taste good?
April 9th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
I don’t like American Idol either, though my great state has dominated the competition.
April 9th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
I don’t like Larry King eitherbut he must have a dick the size of a fire hose cause he flat gets the ladies. Oh yeah, FIRST!!!!!!