10 Real Survival Guides for One Very Fake Apocalypse

#5. The Complete Idiot's Guide to New Millennium Predictions by The New Age Collective & Lisa Lenard

I'm confused. You mean those other guides were for people who weren't complete idiots?

#4. How to Profit from the Y2K Recession by John Mauldin

The most obvious way to make money from Y2K was to write a terrible book in the late nineties about how to survive Y2K. The main problem I had with this one is that it wasn't even published until well into 1999. Assuming you read this the day it came out and put together a business plan and found investors the next day, you'd maybe be up and running for a week before your company's computers tore you apart for their Y2K Robosports. Society was literally months away from collapsing and this asshole wanted us to weasel money out of the paranoid? What needless villainy. That's like Grand Moff Tarkin calling the people of Alderaan and taking pre-orders on discount rape whistles.

#3. Countdown to y2k - The Coming Storm by The Inspirational Network

This was a guide that knew exactly what its viewers wanted-- graphic detail on all the ways the future was going to rip the eyes from your burning skull. It didn't care about helping you get ready for Y2K, it only wanted you to know you weren't. You have to watch this VHS set for four actual hours before it gets to anything remotely resembling advice, and I can sum it all up for you right here: practice shrieking into a tape recorder every day until you can convince the flesh eating crows that you're one of them.

#2. Spiritual Survival During the Y2K Crisis by Steve Farrar

We may not know the mysteries of God's plan, but we know that part of it involves flaking every time He says He'll show up with an apocalypse. That's why an actual Biblical end of times is going to really shake everyone's faith.

I can't believe anyone believes anything preachers say after they've changed date of the rapture a dozen times. And I'm no stranger to blind faith in the supernatural. I've watched Robocop 3 every year since I was 17, hoping my birthday wish that it didn't suck would some day come true. By any standards that's insane, but not insane like the people who read these books and I can prove it. I bought Spiritual Survival During the Y2K Crisis last year at a Thrift Store and here is the bookmark that was left inside it:

It's a story with a lot of action and plot twists, but I have to say the ending was a little sad.

#1. 2000 Time Bomb by Dr. Jack & Rexella Van Impe

Even before he knew what a computer did, Dr. Jack Van Impe was pretty sure human civilization was ending in the year 2000. But holy crap, once he found out that these flimsy computer chips controlled everything from the missiles we launch to the toast we eat, he-- hold on, I think Jack might still not know what computers do. He knows they have something to do with airplanes which are a lot like eagles, which is exactly how Jesus would fly and that's why we're going to die in Y2K. You know what? I'll let him explain it:

Seanbaby invented being funny on the Internet at Seanbaby.com. Follow him on Twitter.

To see more from his library, enjoy 4 Unintentionally Hilarious Guides to Depressing Situations or The Worst Board Game of All Time.

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